Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Deef, hope they get Blanche placed soon, so you can get some rest, and get better.
I made a list of problems, Indio has, for his check up 2 weeks ago. We finally have an appointment with a diabetic specialist this coming Wednesday. I'm trying to get his insurance to pay for a continuous Glucose monitor.

Well, here I am sitting at B's and trying to do this on my smart phone because there is ne internet here! My sister was here for 2 weeks and the decision gas been made to place B in a long term care facility. She is on the list where she did rehab and we visited another facility on Friday.
Sister and husband, B's son, are on tgere way back to Va. I am staying here a few nights this week and have help from 2 others. It's going to be a few long weeks until we get paperwork done. I'm happy a decision has finally been made. I' m ready to get my life back!
She's gotten much worse since rehab and is really a handful. Incontinance has also become an issue. I'm just tired and done with all this.
Jen, sorry about Cleo! I have lost many animals over the years and know how tough it is. I think it's Bobbie with the tonsil issue. I'm suffering with occipital neuralgia. The steroids helped some but I still have headaches and neck pain and stiffness. It takes 6-8 weeks for the pain to go away. If i could get the rest i need, it would help, but that's not going to happen!
Bobbie!!! Sucks to get old doesn't it !!!
Meanwhile, Mame, Austin, Cuz and everyone else, hope you are doing well. I've about had it trying to type on this phone! I'll catch up when i can use a real keyboard.
Love Deef

Bobbie sounds like my Medical group -just went through another health scare because my doc does not have enough brains to think things through -loves to order unnecessary test and keep the results from pt's-I had to actually threaten to go to the head of the med. group if I did not get the results yesterday-do not med with Putnam County seniors -then when she did call me scolded me for be impatient -you tell me I have heart disease and order expensive test two weeks later and then leave me hanging-I don't think so-I am becoming my late mother-anyway I am ok -just age related problems-in other words you are just an old lady-what do you expect-getting my car back from the body shop today after over a week after my accident a few weeks ago-miss that car but the storms would have kept me off the roads anyway-the snow piles are taller then me at this point.

Meanwhile a friend has the same problem and put the food in the bathroom with a hook with a long shank on the door so there is just enough room for the cats to get in for the litter box and food. Old Snuffy obviously does not have dementia!!!

Well, one of the dogs started shoving the baby gate aside to get to the cat food. Of course it couldn't be old Snuffy, he is 15 years old, getting wobbly, and deaf. Sleeps most of the time. Kept trying to beef up the barricade to the cat food, and couldn't catch anyone in the act. UNTIL, last night. When here comes Snuffy wearing the baby gate around his neck. Trying to act like nothing was wrong. He may be getting old, but he is still full of it. My sister and I laughed and laughed.

Thank you cuz, The vet said the same. "You will have good memories eventually. and you were a good pet parent..." "If I had more like you my job would be easier...well not today..."

Thank you every one. Waiting for ashes...put them with pictures.
It is callous, but seriously, The pets we wish would live forever die...and the relatives we wish would give up the ghost...
Whatever...
Deef, What the H*ll is a tonsil stone and can you get your money back from the idiots who didn't catch it?

House is real quiet now...better that way, now, when can we move! God really, when can we move...

His not being here is a relief and a huge change. But I feel like a weight has been lifted, a barrier over come. Literally... Somehow we can move forward...

Thanks everyone for your support, and kind words, it means a lot to me...Jen

So sorry to hear about Cleo. Think about the memories ok? Hugs
meanwhile same at you to. Pets are just as important as people sometimes. Hugs your way also.
luv cuz.
bobbie glad to hear that your problem might be solved. Get better fast ok?
Love you cuz.

Jen, so sorry for your loss of your Cleo. Ow ow.
Meanwhile so sorry for the loss of your cranky kitty too.
Hurts all around.

Mame! Good to see from you and thank you for the kind words about my post.

DEEF!!

Went to another doctor today to figure out wtf is going on with my throat and neck and ear.
This is the fourth guy. Everyone else said: It's a nerve, it's in your head (no kidding), here's some drugs, etc etc.
This guy said:
It's a tonsil stone. Here's how you get it out.
What a relief to finally know what it's called and how to get rid of it.
Jeez, I have been dealing with this forever.

Jen! thinking of you and hoping that you are strong for yourself.
The pain is so much I know.

lovbob

Oh Jen-I am so sorry! Our fur friends are our best friends! Hugs to you!

Jen so sorry. We just lost one of the old barn cats (he was 17). And he was a cranky, don't touch me sort of cat. But, still miss him. He used to get up on top of the hay stack, and grab my hat, or pull my hair, if I was too slow putting out cat food. I know you were much closer to Cleo, and I bet she had a pampered, well cared for life.

So sorry about Cleo. They are such an important part of our lives. It hurts as much and sometimes more than loosing a human loved one.RIP Cleo

Am reading, can't connect right now. I just had to put my cat CLEO to sleep...She was 14 and three quarters. The vet knew her her whole life. That helped. A lot of pain here now...a lot of pain...Jen

Mame, Deef, good to hear from you two. Hope things get easier.
I've been sick with the flu for a week now. Fever is finally down today, so I'm probably going to live. It's been a long winter, even here in Texas. It's 70 degrees one day and 20 the next. But, not all that much snow, like the north and eastern parts of the country have been hit with. Take care .

God I wish there was no such thing as guilt! All of us have done so much and gone beyond the call of duty... we should never feel guilty! As you said Deef-we all hit our wall at some point and we have to do what we have to do. No judgement here!

Mame, what can I say? Feeling guilty about placing B, but have no choice. Can't do 24/7 anymore. I have my own house and family to take care of. I've been trying to keep up B's house and be there for her, but it's been too long and too much! She's my bil's mother, not mine. She's also not a very nice lady. Selfish, self centered domineering woman. My sister is here for 2 weeks due to my health issue and bil will be here again next weekend. we are trying to get all our ducks in a row so he can give the final go ahead when he gets here. Hate to do it to her, but it's time. I know I'll feel guilty, but I'll get over it. I did more than my duty on this one!
Going to have to find another way to make $$ as our SS is not enough to survive on. I'll figure out something eventually! This past week has been nice as my sister is sleeping at B's, so I have been sleeping in for the first time in 8 years. It feels good to not have to get up and rush out the door 7 days a week. B was able to be alone at night until she got sick, but trying to cover all the hours now is fruitless! She still gets around on her own okay, but thinks there are people walking around in her house all the time, and stealing her stuff. And now she is getting bad with her hygiene and is a bit incontinent. Doesn't want anyone washing her privates either! It's a battle every day with her.
We all hit our wall at some point and have to make difficult decisions in order to save ourselves. I'll be 64 this year and I want to be able to live even just a little bit and do the things I want to do! My future "craft room" has been empty for 2 months but I have not been able to get in there to paint the walls and get everything set up. Hoping the weather will turn soon so I don't have to shovel so much! Got enough snow here to last until June! Should be a good garden year with all of that "nature's fertilizer" we have out there!
Hoping to turn on my laptop more and get to see how all of you are doing. No internet at B's so I'm way out of the loop with everyone.
Snowing here right now and expecting 3-6" from it. More shoveling! At least it covers up the dirty snow.
Hope you all are doing well and hanging in there! If you have tough decisions to make, try not to feel too guilty and all of you give yourselves a big pat on the back for doing the best you can!
Love Deef!

Hello all! I know it has been a while since I have posted. I have been reading back to see what all has been going on! Wow! Lots! I think of you all a lot and pray for you all frequently!
Mom has been in the NH for a whole year now! I can't believe this year has gone by. It was so hard to get through-especially those first few weeks and months. Jen, you took me right back to it when I read your post about staying on top of the aides etc. Things will eventually work out with his schedule and their care of him... It did for mom anyway. And then-just as things were smoothly going along, her main aide quit! So, now I am back to getting all the fill in aides to keep her on the same schedule etc. "Oh no, she said she wanted to stay in bed all day..." Are you kidding me? Ugh. She has picked up every sickness over the year that has gone around the home. So have I. And, because the siblings are miraculously still visiting her-they did too! At one point, with her ward on quarantine, and myself sick, I didn't see her for 2 whole weeks! She was taken care of and is still alive! And, thankfully, doesn't really get how much time has passed and didn't even realize! Thank God for small favors! As much as being sick and not seeing her upset me, it was probably the best thing that could have happened. I was so focused on being there every weekday at lunch and making sure everything was right...and it slapped me in the face that it can all or mostly be alright without me! So, I am only going 3 days a week now. The siblings all go up-they each take a day-and have dinner with her. So, she sees someone every day. Altho resentful they couldn't visit much or help with her when she was here in my home, I am glad they are going to see her-and she is too. It has opened my eyes about what I thought was our perfect family. Guess I had to grow up sometime. They are there for her now....that is good. We keep a notebook on mom's bookcase and we all write in it about what she ate or how she is doing etc. I am the primary caregiver that talks to the RN when mom seems to be coming down with something or if something needs to be changed or done. So, the notebook helps with keeping track of how she is when I am not there. Anyway...mom seems happy and says they love her there :) and her roommate is awesome. And a year has gone by.
Just the other day the LPN giving out the meds-who usually works nights and I don't know very well came in after lunch to give mom her meds. She looks at me and says, "Why is your mom here?" I was taken aback. I just looked at her-and said, "well, she won't walk anymore, hence the lift you all use to get her up and in her wheelchair (that it takes two people to use!)...and it was wrecking my shoulder and back trying to take care of her...and I was doing it all alone for years-not in shifts like you guys here....shall I go on?" She was like-"well, she isn't very sickly and she is so sweet!" I just said, "yea, isn't that lucky." Holy sh*t! Really? Is that your criteria for keeping someone home-killing yourself 24/7/365? Not that sickly? How many meds did you just give her? And how many times has she gotten sick since she got here-but you have a doctor or NP on staff who can just come down to her room and sort it out-as opposed to me trying to get her out to see a Dr??? For a moment I started to spiral into the guilt of a year ago and shook myself out of it when I realized. Then she mentioned all the siblings she sees that visit-like I must have had help when she was here in my home...A, that would be a big NO! Mind you own business and shut the bleep up. Man oh man!
Moving on... Bobbie's post from Feb 13 was emotional for me. I have felt so guilty not being able to find a job and jumping into whatever is next for me and my family.
I have been seeing this awesome counselor who keeps telling me to work on myself for a time. Bobbie's post made me feel like that was not a selfish thing to do. Thank you Bobbie. I don't know what drew me to this site today...or made me read back as far as I did-but it has been helpful in ways you can not imagine. Life after caregiving is not easy. It is not just "getting a life" when caregiving is all you have known for a very long time. And, mom is still alive so I am not done. It is hard to move on. Bobbie, I admire that you can be so open about your choices and what you would have done differently. I so needed to read what you said! I have felt like I am floundering-trying to figure out what to do next-literally waking up in a panic about it. It hasn't helped that my husbands father died unexpectedly and his mother needs a lot of help... I feel I must jump in since my hubby put up with my mom and all her needs for 14 years! It is the least I can do-help him with his mom! But, there are 5 other siblings...and a sister who seems to be taking over as head caregiver. So, I am just offering what help I can-but trying not to get in too deep. Hubby agrees wholeheartedly. He will do what he can too-but I think as primary caregivers-we have done our time.
So, I feel that some guilt has been lifted from what Bobbie said and that I have permission to care for myself, and my hubby and we can make plans for our future. Not buying a boat or any grand plans yet! But someday. I have just been so consumed with taking care of mom-I have had no time to think about what I want... I want to do that now. Unselfishly. Without guilt. I deserve a good life after caregiving. We all do. Here's to hope!
I feel for all of you in the trenches... Thank you for all your raw and honest posts...keep posting...it helped me through to get where I am now! I was so lonely and crazed with it all when I first joined this thread! I am still working through it and obviously still need you! Thanks for being here! Mame

I plan to, literally...Seven years, it feels like we have been in jail. Not Guilty! I figure a week is enough time to see them, meet and greet, settle in get to know him and his issues, they'll learn and his health will change as well...So it is a day by day thing and on them now...He's paying for it!
Taking CLEO in to vet this morning.
God please let's not have to put my kitty down...Just a little more time Please!?

Deef I want some muscle relaxant here too....I just took one of my hydrocodone from surgery last year this time?...The back pain is debilitating...GAH!

Finally colder here too, but sunny and no snow...Gonna be a dangerous dry summer here.

Thanks for all the support everyone...

Hanging in there....here...Jen

Doped up and half asleep but Rip alerted me to your post Jen and I had to comment! Glad to see FP is finally where he needs to be. been struggling with Blanche and my health since New Year's Day. I got the flu that day and she got sick a week later. While I was still recovering she ended up in the ER and sent home with antibiotics, bur a week later I took her back and it had turned to pneumonia. It was the day before our first really big storm, so they admitted her and then she was transferred to a rehab facility at my urging.
There she stayed for 2 1/2 weeks while they supposedly were building her strength back up to go home. In the meantime I was visiting in between storms and when I was home I was shoveling for hours and chopping icicles off the house when it was needed.
I brought her home, but she had very swollen legs from fluid retention. Her shoes wouldn't fit so she came home in the freezing cold in her slippers. The fluid led to much confusion on her part. The social worker at the rehab said it was caused by water on the brain. I said "no shit"!!! We had been telling the nurses on every visit that her legs were very swollen and she had trouble walking because of it. She was given a diuretic the second week she was there and was much more herself for a couple days, but then they let it go again.
Karina and I had a week from hell trying to be at her house 24/7. Just 2 of us wasn't enough to handle all the hours and we were exhausted! I had a headache for almost a week and wasn't sure what was going on until I woke up one morning with a wicked pain on the right side of the back of my head. I had this happen about 18 years ago and knew what it was right away. Occipital neuralgia!
I contacted my sister right away and told her to look up the term on WebMD. it's something that brought me to my knees for almost 8 weeks and the pain was constant. So she and my bil, Blanche's son, drove straight up from Va. and she has been here for a week. we are trying to get things together to place B soon. It's very apparent that it would take at least 4 of us to cover round the clock supervision and now I can't do much except sit around and rest.
As for nursing homes, they are all the same to some degree. there are not enough workers to be able to give the clients the care they get at home. It's a fact of life today. You can be vigilant and show up every day to monitor but it will only help a bit and wear you down even more.
Sooner or later you come to terms with the situation and learn to deal without killing yourself physically and emotionally. I took care of mom for 7 years and now B for almost 2. I did my time and even though I don't want to see her placed, I can't do this anymore! She's gotten meaner than ever and more demanding and now is doing the flip flop with daytime and night time. She's in bed early then up and dressed at midnight thinking it's a new day. No one is getting any sleep when they stay with her. Luckily I've been on doctor's orders to rest and take it easy. I have a course of steroids to help with the swelling on the nerve and muscle relaxants to take at night for the stiffness in my neck and shoulders. It helps some, but the pain is gradually building each day.
I hope you and your mom can keep the NH on their toes, but sometimes it's better to retreat a little and wait and see if things get better. Unfortunately not all the nurses and CNAs in those facilities have caring attitudes. to them it's just a job, and one that very few people want to do. At some point you will run into someone who will listen and keep an eye on FP for your mom. B would just yell at them and wet herself and scream when they tried to do her blood pressure or wash her up. By the time she left there, she had gotten pretty comfortable with the routine. Then she came home and the round of VNA people started and that was putting her over the edge again.
My sister sees what I'm up against and knows I've hit my limit, so we are now in the process of trying to place her somewhere close by. I'll still visit and make sure she is getting proper care and I'll need to check on here house every 2-3 days, but it will be better than being tied down 7 days a week!
So Jen, try to relax and move on with your life a little bit at a time. Feeling guilty is natural after so many years of care giving, but your time is done as is mine, soon, I hope! Take a deep breath and figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life and start to enjoy life again. That's what I plan on doing real soon!
Hello to everyone else out there too! Bobbie!!!!! This is the first time I've turned on my laptop in months. Hope I made sense! This muscle relaxant is kicking my a$$$.

A good friend of the wife lost her mom to Alzheimer's. She had fell at the assisted living place and broke her hip. They wouldn't do any surgery because of her mental state and her overall health. She was just to weak to come out of the surgery. Her diabetes was just going off the charts as body functions were failing. She was under hospice care for less than a week. Cindy the daughter is under a lot of stress even now after her mothers passing because her sister is bring charges of parental abuse. Her case worker is going to stand up for Cindy so that will help but you gals know what happens with siblings that didn't want to ever help.
Sorry no jokes tonight. I think everyone is froze in position cause it has been super cold around here. 15 below this morning again so hopefully I can get some out next time. Hugs to all.
luvCuz

Jen, you and your mom deserve the rest. Good luck with college. That would be great.

J i would forget the one more chance get on the stick next visit. they should be paying special attention to a new resident. they don't know him and habits and need yet. He is still a living breathing human being and needs to be treated that way He is their guest not some stray dog found on the side of the road. So keep up the pressure remember the squeeky gate!!!!!!!!!!

Um...he is in the nursing home...I feel guilty, tired as Hell, addled, glad, resentful wish he had died it'd be easier...

He has been there for 36 hours and had a fall already, trying to help the guy in the next bed...He has wet the bed three times because they don't check on him enough, they piled up his laundry, somehow thinking "Family is doing laundry"...The nurses, aides, housekeeping, LPN's I just don't know, it is early days yet but MY GOD! we are paying $350.00 A DAY!!!! For this service! They need to get on the stick! No one seems to talk to anyone else and the basics are missed! They have ONE more chance and then I am calling em on this crap!

Glad he is not here, no more arguing, coughing, yelling, stench, meds, moods, pissing off my mom and making her cry...No...anything is better than that. It has been a LONG seven years...

I noted names on doors at nursinghome...Some have been there over two years...Good God save us from that. Please...

Ya should have seen the look on their faces when we said we would be coming by...Daily! Get your shit together people!

Still, this is better. I am thinking of going back to college.

Stay sane and warm and dry where ever you are! Spring coming soon yes?

Hopefully soon, Jen.

Hi Christina, I keep trying to bring up your post but it won't come in?...
Waiting for The Phone Call....packed and ready to go NOW! Jen

We're all on the "Had Enough Bus!"

Another week and waiting to hear from Dr. Woodchuck and see if this admitting gets going!

Used up the apples been in the fridge a month, works for strudel.

Wishing sun shine to the East Coast people! NOT too much, too fast, just enough to start the process of melting the deep freeze!

Have a good week everyone, how ever you come by it! Jen

Tell you what....on a bad day (like today), if anyone broke into the house, I think I'd be more than able to kill them single-handedly, armed with nothing more than a bathroom-size trash bag filled with urine-soaked Poise pads from Mom and my pent up rage and frustration.

Gosh I'd have chased them of wih a used Depends. Once got rid of a local volunteer collecting for a charity by flushing the toilet.

Bahahahaha Jsome! That was awesome!

ROFLMAO!!! Too funny!