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nothing is more motivational as seeing a way out of this "skip tooth inbred" town I remember when I first came here to a/c that phrase stuck with me and gave me laughter as it was so spot on....beautiful in landscape only! I was close to what I want and I have no need for this place anymore. I found our spot. I can give my brothers the land I wanted and employ them... I kept thinking how can I take care of my crazy bro;s that was my other fear....he has had it in for me ever since mom put me in charge when I was 18, cuz she knew.....I always resented her for taking his side and never sticking up for me......I did not get it till just now as I type....that was her baby, but she knew what was best for the family and I could not figure out how to take care of them without killing us all in the first year so......I have achieved what she wanted me to do.... I finally have a way to help the worst one....make sure he has a place but not near me....he is a hoarder and mentally ill... he cannot be close to me but I love him! he nearly killed us all in the beginning....ergo my last 10 ys of hell....running and hiding from my brother who I fear as he is like me with defects..... and the other is just an ass with no moral or character.... I want them taken care of and if the have a farm boss not me to deal with it will work! and a home and restricted from residential areas. there is not one person who could understand the kind of pressure I was under because of him,,,,,, omg the I had to have him removed from the hospital when dad died as he started a fight with me in front of dads body when I told him how it went and how actually beautiful and easy it was. god blessed me with that! amazing timing and i will tell you all some day!
or if anyone wants it....rent or lease to own ha ha after that sales pitch....oh see now I just solved that problem...gut it and take the stuff to the cave junction house....put cheap crap in then rent.
actually I am taking a vacation first thing I can just get some rest first
when I was starving mom, I could not go near here but wanted to so I paced for two days straight our home Is a mess all I wanted was someone to help me get her to the casino 7 miles away to snuggle comfortably with her I could not do it in this house
I hate this fucking place town state....that's why we came here...DWD, Brittany reminded me, they said no, I am taking the nestegg and leaving my nicely redone home vacant in cracktown.....would jen like a vacation....and watch it when I take her wherever actually I know st lucia is first stop.....my favorite place on earth....I know the owners and he will design stuff for us...so I need to get to him and key west and fla just places I wanted mom to see before....ANSE Chastenet!
the realtor who f'ed this up is on hgtv...also I got my chips.....the farm is mine cuz I sold the owner myself and then told him what it would take to close the deal and he will hold it for us in the non profit till I am ready to deal or ?? watch the show Hawaii life on HG/TV they messed this up and if they don't fix it ???? I need my ducks in a row quick smores baby smores!!
the only thing I need to sign on the dotted line is a dive boat, and I am serious...attorney will need a shopping list of items I need to put into trust/goals
for lack of a better way to explaining things robin Williams probably had that also but with the gift of comedy, mine is the gift of problem solving.... and that is how I fell into my Caregiving coma and deep depression, I couldn't solve this one.....till now so I am cautiously thrilled about my future for the first time, the fear of no children was the kicker and I solved that this morning...I will adopt the girls! if they allow me too of course! and all this will be thiers and we have each other!!!
I am hurt today cause I thought last time I got pissed at everybody here I was too emotional and bad state....I really thought when I came back almost closed on my land. Then when I finally lost it with realtor and said well that is it these people have wasted way too much of my time....put my JOb hat back on and planned this out in an hour....see that is what the doc says why I get what I get, I do have a condition...similar to bipolar mania with defect....my mind works lightning fast that is why I do well and love figuring out how to make this happen. 4 months of research on market of valuable land I am very familiar with felt comfy offering site unseen, if I could get realtor to do job, and a 10 min call and it is mine. then how to guarantee the go fund me balance of 50% solved yesterday. in a couple more phone calls, I just need something to think about....while this is happening and perfect. now I can sit on my porch with laptop on my rocking chair and supenia the f*#@ out of whoever has crossed me on this journey....I am done with lawyers if I had a moment and a decent computer supeonas would have been done long ago.... now I just need to know how to legally record these idiots who are not making epic fails on there own res system that says these calls are recorded for quality assurance....if I could just get a working recording device to go thru the process of what I go thru. I don't have to do a f*#@ing thing....but hand it over to an attorney and go diving! SO FOR THE LAST TIME WILL SOMEONE F*#@ING HELP ME I AM TAKING ON A HUGE CRUISE LINE HAVE ALL THE PROOF I NEED IN HAND AND CANT DO A F*#@ING THING WITH IT CUZ I AM TRYING TO KEEP HER ALIVE LONG TO GET THERE I AM A FORMER CONTRACTS ADMINISTRATOR WHICH IS A LAWYER FOR PURCHASING PART FOR MILITIARY DEFENCE ELECTRONICS....I HAVE SLOWLY COLLECTED ALL STUFF I COULD TO ASSURE I NAIL EVERYONE AND I HAVE IT ALL AND CANT DO A F*#@ING THING WITH IT THE HOSPITAL CRUISE LINE COUNTY SOCIAL SERVICES APS THEY HAVE ALL FAILED ME AND ONCE I HAVE MY HOUSE SECURE THAT IS MY GOAL....GET THIS F*#@ED UP SYSTEM FIXED......MY smore'S RECIPE.....
I JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO SAY GOOD JOB WITHOUT QUESTIONING WHAT I NEED....THAT IS ALL I NEED TO FIX THIS FOR US ALL IT IS WRONG...
Ok guys now that everything is locked up in escrow.....
I am gonna say this for the last time you all do not even know me....but my crazy rants on here...they keep me from actually going crazy... other than that we are strangers.....apparently cuz I did not feel at all what I thought I should of felt from you all when I showed you that I did it. I got my dream house.......
my life is perfect now....I cant give details but most all my major issues with losing mom have been solved by this purchase. I am crazy only when I am left with nothing to do.....
I got my life completely set up more perfect than one could imagine and I can take mom to that house and enjoy her with a nurse at her side...
it took 4 months of battling moneyhungry real estate agents day in and day out.... sed I am done if this phonecall doesn't work I am done, and turned out the agent never even told him bout me cuz I don't want the farm....we have a deal and I have my realtors job.....soon as I am ready and my dream house I will adopt the two daughters of my childhood BFF who they lost to cancer at a very early age.... I was devastated this summer I had been looking for her for a while on the internet and the day I found her death cert I was broken...... so I searched and searched and found the girls I used to call my own and they are now going to be my daughters...adult but mine!!!
move em over and they are set for life....mom me and the girls and a job....
find the flaw in that. that 10 min phonecall gave me everything I ever wanted!
I have someone to call my child and my lifelong dream of building a awesome resort in kona....and my dream house to do it all in, free n clear set up in a non profit fund for us.....
if somebody doesn't help me, the flaw mom dying...ie motivation to keep her with me or not? all decisions are made now..... I tested the starving and this morning she woke up and said you know what I want like usual and I said in unison as usual a hot cup and she said something to eat! I cannot and will not do that to my mom ever... done deal! now I just need to get her there
so bob...can you help me not one freaking person in the whole travel industry connections I have can tell me other than cruise ship how the fuck do I get my mom there before we both die......it almost happened yesterday as I lay alone in a pile crying. look what I did in four months and if she dies before the plan is complete its over.....so will someone just please fucking help me.....
I did everything I was supposed to yesterday when I was collapsing, I called 911, all I wanted was no lights n sirens just someone come up in a care and help me get her in the van to get her to hospital so I can rest and I was told I cant even do that...if I leave her there it is abandonment....if someone is not there to pick her up on the moment they are ready to let her go, I could be charged and been searching for over month for help, went to go to firestation direct even tho I was a danger to myself to drive, got pulled over for speeding, I told him what I was suppose to, was an ass and offered no help. then pounded on the door of the firestation for 5 minutes, whent home and melted down.
I am done
I can do no more.....let the card fall where they may
OK I guess I said that a bit wrong above not quite hospice ready, she said start thinking and explained the options....other than the whole reason we came up here and lost everything...really not much difference.......but I am tired, so tired and I was broken yesterday, completely broken.... I almost gave up. due to others again.... NEVER...this time it was my BFF......that is why I am this way not cause mom, cause I have no one. I wanted so bad to just get mom in the car and over to a hotel and get out of this house so I can put my in a queen. so we could snuggle, and she did not show up or call....she is mad at me cause I cannot tell her whats going on..... I cant tell her cause she will pester me to death with detail request and refuses to understand I just cant talk about it with her cause she will start to cry and then I will and then it will be all over. MY DREAM GONE and just because I wont tell her she Is convinced she cannot help me without nowing the problem..... so I was absolutely worst day of my life.... I really do not have 1 single person to count on....how am I going to do this alone ITS THE ALLLLOOOONNNEEEE when I found her here 3 years ago after 15 ys I thought she was my BFF but I guess she really is still mad about what split us up.... I begged her to come down so I could show her what I got and that she would never have to work again....I would make sure she had a roof over her head. I asked hubby to call so we could plan a big surprise. I was gonna shove her on the plane with us when they dropped me off and just said your going with....First class air, georgeaus spa resort for 3 days.. it was her birthday that day....so I thought perfect....the moment I heard that tone when I said the day...if she could help me sit ma for 48hr so I can get on plane fly, and come back....same day. what your what and what? but it is my bday... and has been distant ever since...then the no show....
I WAS ABSOLUTELY DEVASTED AND COULD NOT EVEN PULL MYSELF OF THE FLOOR...BUT THAT WAS IT...THE TEST I NEEDED. I DIDNT TELL HER A THING.....SAID I NEED YOU AND COULD SHE COME, NO QUESTIONS ASKED AND SHE DID NOT....
DEVASTATED but today relieved cause I have my answer on what to do with ma. If I have to do it alone I go with my gut and yes we are on.......IT is all mine if I want it....and I nearly killed myself....
so the boat shall sail, who wants to come see my farm...that was the only issue. but then
God please help juju, she has done so much help her make this transition as easy and as peaceful as possible for her and her mom!
Bobbie, I think you are right, you were broke, when it needed to be about you it became about the boat...I hope you are doing better and continue to move forward into healthier and happier places for you in your life...You deserve this!
He's not dead yet, he is not gone yet...but mom called a different number after a week and got an appt on Tues. he is going...And not a second too soon...The other night she was screaming and crying in trying to help him change his Depends for the 8 millionth time..
"JUST STOP TALKING DADDY JUST STOP TALKING LISTEN TO ME! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE I JUST CAN'T!!
"WELL GOD DAMnIT I'LL DO IT!!"
HE THINKS SHE MEANS PULL HIS GOD DAMN PANTS UP...
NO she means all of it, anymore....before it kills her...
She came out and cried in,the bathroom, cried in her recliner..."I have go to find a place for him..." She said from the depths of despair and misery...
I looked in the phone book..."Isn't there some sort of clearinghouse for care giving or something? What about respite care ?"
"They don't have any beds either!" "They have to for emergencies..."
She is getting tense twitchy and BLAM!
"JENNIFER, I KNOW YOU ARE TRYING TO HELP BUT THAT PHONE BOOK IS JUST REALLY!!!!!"
"I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING!!!"
Like I have any control and any fucking say in anything here...!
I put it away and she cried more...we watched TV like it wasn't even in the room...The hydrocodone started looking really good when I went to bed, but I just left it and did crosswords and went to "sleep"...
Tuesday.....then packing up his shit? Right? God I hope so...I can't take anymore...
and as I may or may not have said he just needs it sold on paper cause of legalities and will maintain that portion, cuz he needs it sold I just am amazed the one I was drooling over and dreamed about for so long and 1 phonecall and it is mine!! ( Again, only If I want it.....at the end of couple years is perfect for him too to set up a staff on site to manage as that is why it is not selling no one wants the farmland so we are helping each other and I get whatever I choose to pick , my land pr his I get an awesome design job...I love that shabby chic! k just got excited and to explode it out as never in a million years did I think I would get it that quick, 1 phonecall and done! Anyway. it is a permanent move not a vacation tho....that is for sure....accomodations are set I just need to decide to fly her asap or just wait for cruise and rent an rv till then she has seen Hawaii so much when I worked it....I always wanted to take her to n'awlins and I have always wanted to check out grand canyon, floriday keys....maybe we drive around till September.
ps. Just google Luana farms Captain Cook HI....or Zillow...mls#265662, if i could ever really get the foundation going it would be perfect for our respite place and he is on board...his land is special place and he loves the idea!! so just pray!
if I could give all details I would but my joy is in that I can choose which house I want.....his farm or my land with him doing custom work for me.....I just feel like I accomplished something....all of us in the negotiation know I am not willing to take on the farm I just want the house....he will set the rest up for us when we are ready! It is unbelievable that is all....I had been asking realtor bout the farm part for months...so finally when I had enough to seriously ask...and she just blew me off... then hospice showed up and I made that dog analogy and said I will have that house you just watch, googled the farm called the man and cut a and had a deal to allow me to get ma over there taken care of then address if I really want it or not.... n angel I believe.....within a day my life has changed so much honestly I am leaning to the beach house i want to scuba i got 15 ys to catch up!
just amazed it only took 1 phonecall to know if i could actually get it or not and i could if i have a farmer to sign contract. wow
Cuz, I loved that joke. Read it to the Boat Angel and he said, Yup, sounds like a Southern boy.
OK, Juju! Sure is good to see from you and to catch up on what you are dealing with.
When it was time for my mom to go I fed her baby food even though it took forever. I really had to pay attention to the fact that with Dementia comes swallowing issues so we took extra care to make sure it went down the right pipe.
The Death with Dignity Act in the State of Oregon might not be the answer in end of life for elders. The requirements are that the patient must administer the doses themselves and make the requests for the lethal drugs themselves. I went ahead and read up on it and the .pdf is available for all to read. Just Google Death with Dignity in Oregon.
I don't understand how the Alz organization could get involved because the long range complications are that a Demented person cannot make those decisions and it could lead to abuse down the road where people start offing Granny because she has become a pain in the a**.
Not everyone is as thoughtful and caring as you are Juju and I know what you are going through because I went through it and quite a few people here on this thread alone and many more on this site have gone through it too. Sux doesn't even begin to cover it.
I made my mom comfortable and surrounded her with pretty things that she loved and made sure her tv programs that she liked were on. The last two weeks were brutal but that is what end of life is. Brutal.
I hope you have people to sit with you and to listen to you and to hold you when you cry. I hope you can find the strength to allow you to let Nature take its course, and it will if you let it.
It is so hard to understand that we have to help our moms and or dads to die. We have worked so hard to care for them and keep them healthy that when it comes down to the beginning of the end we need to make ourselves switch gears and help them to die. But, because of the nature of Dementia and the related diseases associated with it, we have to help them to die naturally.
There is no easy answer and it's like a big old freight train rumbling down the tracks. It's coming, nothing can stop it and all you can do is make decisions you can live with for the rest of your life.
Hold her hand and tell he you love her and spend all the time you are capable of by her side. Take breaks and remember that there's a big world out there ready for you to join it and I know you are doing that because of the house in Hawai'i.
(I did look that up before the admin removes the link and it's beautiful)
Now I am going to tell you all something I have been keeping to myself. Juju's situation has spurred me to communicate.
When my mom died I lost it. I was all over the map bouncing between grief and euphoria, hope and desolation.
Not knowing that I shouldn't make major decisions in the face of major grief, I went out and bought a major boat. I went from being a caregiver to my mom to being a caregiver to a boat.
Anyone who has read the front end of this thread knows what I was trying to accomplish. I wanted to get a boat and share it with the people who were going through the same hell I was. We all joined in and fantasied about it and had fun doing it, but the fantasy of a large boat and the reality of a large boat are 180 degrees apart.
Juju, the fantasy of a 10 acre transitioning organic farm and the reality of it are 180 degrees apart.
This July will be 5 years that I have had this boat and even though it has led me into interesting areas had I had known then what I know now I never would have done it. I would have bought a ticket to the Bahamas, spent a month there and come back to rebuild my life without the burden of supporting a big boat and the people that I needed to run it.
For the last months I have been seeing a therapist. It has been the best decision I have made because instead of taking anti-depressants and trying to cope that way I fought for and got talking therapy to help me get right. The only drug I take now is an 81mg aspirin. No funny cigarettes, no xanax no nothing. It has taken awhile for the fog to lift and being so sick last year just made it worse. That's the main reason I began the therapy since I truly thought that my life was over and I had to understand how to cope with my own coming freight train.
At the last session, after I described the crazy I went through leading up to and following my mom's death, my decision to get a big boat and the amount of work and energy I had to put into it (energy that I had already given up for my mom) the weeks and weeks I didn't leave my boat and how I cried so hard I thought I would wash the stripes and spots off of the Kitty, my therapist said to me: You had a nervous breakdown.
Old fashioned words to describe a very real and modern caregiving issue.
I had used PTSD and knew I wasn't right and knew I was making insane decisions (a large BOAT for chrissakes) but I really didn't get the impact until this compassionate lady sitting across from me said: Nervous Breakdown.
My nerves just… broke down. I broke. I was broken.
Five years after my mom's death I think I am beginning to heal. I don't know for sure because I will backslide and I know my coping skills are still somewhat shot out but every day I try to get better. It's been so hard. It would have been a lot easier to deal with without that big Cruiser. It just is.
So Juju, I say to you, take care of Juju. Be with your mom and when she leaves you, take care of Juju. Don't take on a farm or a dive boat or any of that. Charter a dive vacation for Juju and look forward to that. Spend a LOT of time considering your next move.
I love your GoFundMe idea and I wish you the best and bet that you could get a great vacation for yourself and a buddy from GoFundMe and when it's over, it's over.
If, after 6 months to a year after your mom is gone and your life is not ruled by the constant stress of 'Is this the moment? If I go to the store will she still be alive when I get back?' and every other crazy stress that caregiving brings, if after that time you still want to farm or run for Miss America, those opportunities will be there and waiting for you.
Boats and Real Estate opportunities are like buses. Miss this one and another will come along. Doesn't always look like that in the moment, but it's true.
As always, when I write about my personal experiences, they are only that. My experiences. Nothing more. If you can take something away that will help you not experience all the bad that I have then it has been worth it to me to reveal things about myself that someone else with better sense would not write about.
last thing to add hospice said...it is time to start thinking about it and advised me on on the DwD act so we got some time still I am so grateful for and yes can enjoy our time now with a new bright future to look forward to makes all the difference.
I meant that last line....with or without alz assn. I don't care for there way of doing things much I would much rather work with compassion n choices for my goals and respite. Make "US , OUR LIVES, AS CAREGIVERS" anyway
I am so happy to have a positive rant for the first time....it always me complaining I hate that I hate hate hate it!
so when I recharge my batteries in a couple weeks we are bringing our story to the media alz org and Brittany fund......see what the can do to promote my go fund me acct I don't have time I am gonna spend every day with mom now... and the owner heard the in a nutshell of what we go thru and agreed to work whatever kind of deal nessecary to try for the house wow!!! so soon get the deal figured out, next I have a reporter and a van to get mom to PDX I guarantee you, my mothers face will be on "good morning America" the forgotten beautiful soul in that whole death with dignity plan" with or without alz, compassion and choices are on board!!
Oh Thank you everyone, I tell you tho things cant be going better...stuff like this is happening on a regular basis... worst day of my life turns in to the best day of my life..... and It was not the worst day cause I know mom is gonna die and I cant stand to see her suffer....
Here is the kicker...I moved her to Oregon because death with dignity act. Brittany Maynard reminded me I have that option...(combined with your story bob n everything else) So that's one of the things I have been busy with. it wasn't the "it's time" it was the method...WE, I as her medical power of attorney, do not qualify due to the Alzheimers. I must take the route I cannot live with my self to take. I would rather put a pillow over her face n end it than slowly starve her to death...it is cruel and unusual punishment.
That is where my pain lies.....I can euthanize my dog but I have to starve my mother to death...I will not be able to be present for that event. I don't know how I can live with myself if I am not! that is my pain....today my only issue now is how to not just give up on my dream and end it all.....I had my first incedent that day they were here evaluating her...she had gotten wedged in a position and I could not move her without possibly skin tears the woman "by law" was not able to assist....I spent most of the day working at it but just couldn't called everyone I knew when I had reach limit and was gonna call fire dept to help my friend finally called back n we got it done but It was seven hours of her stuck and me losing my mind...with the system!!!!! once I had calmed down from frustration all day and realized I could just call firemen the phone rang and I was so grateful...I did not want the light and ambulance out front not that day so somebody is looking out for me.... pray we get our retreat!!!
I step away from 'HUMMINGBIRD HOUSE FOUNDATION" headquarters....BoB..im telling you it was when I went back and read the first 250 post when you were so sick back in October and I missed and worried about you so I just read about you...anyway since being here went from packing ma n dogs in the car and going in the river to this I new I still had it...I was a contracts admin project management by career that poor realtor did not know who she was messing with anyway.......if not cause of the land/farm deal....I will find the land and he is the architect and will help me build my own version.....so today I cannot lose I have ocean front acre ( with scuba access with in a block in escrow I can get and my moms van I can sleep in till I can get situated or the dream house ready to go....I will finally be able to pay someone to care for her and I can take her there and just have the fun we deserve! Please come visit us bobbie if we make it there I want to talk to you about my dive boat next goal!
I step away from 'HUMMINGBIRD HOUSE FOUNDATION" headquarters....BoB..im telling you it was when I went back and read the first 250 post when you were so sick back in October and I missed and worried about you so I just read about you...anyway since being here went from packing ma n dogs in the car and going in the river to this I new I still had it...I was a contracts admin project management by career that poor realtor did not know who she was messing with anyway.......if not cause of the land/farm deal....I will find the land and he is the architect and will help me build my own version.....so today I cannot lose I have ocean front acre ( with scuba access with in a block in escrow I can get and my moms van I can sleep in till I can get situated or the dream house ready to go....I will finally be able to pay someone to care for her and I can take her there and just have the fun we deserve! Please come visit us bobbie if we make it there I want to talk to you about my dive boat next goal!
yes cant wait for a day off, sad that that is the way i will get it! ' but the good news is as i said these dumbs*ts have messed with the wrong girl and because of what my realtor did i just secured the house in my little box my dream house is ours if mom can make it on the cruise ship in September, and i know once we are there....SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTIES IS ON BOB YOU BETTER START ROUTING TOWARD KONA!!!!
THERE IS NO WORST NIGHTMARE TO DEAL WITH THAN OVERWORKED MOMS BDAY 9/28/27.....OPEN HOUSE LAUNCH.
THERE IS NO GREATER FURY THAN A SCORNED 24/7 FURY WITH A COMPUTER!! PRAY THIS WORKS ALL I NEED NOW IS A GO FUND ME ACCT ACCT SET UP AND I GOT TWO YEARS TO GET IT PAID OFF I THINK I AM GONNA FAINT.... I FREAKING DID IT....ONLY THING IN THE WAY IS YOU HAVE TO BE A GENERATIONAL FARMER. I AM NOT BUT ON OF MY DEAREST OLDEST FRIENDS IS...IF WE CAN MAKE IT WORK OMG.....
PRAY FOR US, I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA DO SOMETHING OUR CAREGIVER RESPITE SPOT IS WITH IN REACH....
sorry for caps but was on a roll and was to excited to stop....pray all prayyyyyy!!!!
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees
Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets hi overalls
fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish,
he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes
in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do
something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come and splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)
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when I was starving mom, I could not go near here but wanted to so I paced for two days straight our home Is a mess all I wanted was someone to help me get her to the casino 7 miles away to snuggle comfortably with her I could not do it in this house
I hate this fucking place town state....that's why we came here...DWD, Brittany reminded me, they said no, I am taking the nestegg and leaving my nicely redone home vacant in cracktown.....would jen like a vacation....and watch it when I take her wherever actually I know st lucia is first stop.....my favorite place on earth....I know the owners and he will design stuff for us...so I need to get to him and key west and fla just places I wanted mom to see before....ANSE Chastenet!
robin Williams probably had that also but with the gift of comedy,
mine is the gift of problem solving....
and that is how I fell into my Caregiving coma and deep depression, I couldn't solve this one.....till now so I am cautiously thrilled about my future for the first time, the fear of no children was the kicker and I solved that this morning...I will adopt the girls! if they allow me too of course! and all this will be thiers and we have each other!!!
GOOD JOB JUJU!!!
What is it exactly you want me to do?
I JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO SAY GOOD JOB WITHOUT QUESTIONING WHAT I NEED....THAT IS ALL I NEED TO FIX THIS FOR US ALL IT IS WRONG...
I am gonna say this for the last time you all do not even know me....but my crazy rants on here...they keep me from actually going crazy... other than that we are strangers.....apparently cuz I did not feel at all what I thought I should of felt from you all when I showed you that I did it. I got my dream house.......
my life is perfect now....I cant give details but most all my major issues with losing mom have been solved by this purchase. I am crazy only when I am left with nothing to do.....
I got my life completely set up more perfect than one could imagine and I can take mom to that house and enjoy her with a nurse at her side...
it took 4 months of battling moneyhungry real estate agents day in and day out....
sed I am done if this phonecall doesn't work I am done, and turned out the agent never even told him bout me cuz I don't want the farm....we have a deal and I have my realtors job.....soon as I am ready and my dream house I will adopt the two daughters of my childhood BFF who they lost to cancer at a very early age.... I was devastated this summer I had been looking for her for a while on the internet and the day I found her death cert I was broken......
so I searched and searched and found the girls I used to call my own and they are now going to be my daughters...adult but mine!!!
move em over and they are set for life....mom me and the girls and a job....
find the flaw in that. that 10 min phonecall gave me everything I ever wanted!
I have someone to call my child and my lifelong dream of building a awesome resort in kona....and my dream house to do it all in, free n clear set up in a non profit fund for us.....
if somebody doesn't help me, the flaw mom dying...ie motivation to keep her with me or not? all decisions are made now..... I tested the starving and this morning she woke up and said you know what I want like usual and I said in unison as usual a hot cup and she said something to eat! I cannot and will not do that to my mom ever... done deal! now I just need to get her there
so bob...can you help me not one freaking person in the whole travel industry connections I have can tell me other than cruise ship how the fuck do I get my mom there before we both die......it almost happened yesterday as I lay alone in a pile crying. look what I did in four months and if she dies before the plan is complete its over.....so will someone just please fucking help me.....
I did everything I was supposed to yesterday when I was collapsing, I called 911, all I wanted was no lights n sirens just someone come up in a care and help me get her in the van to get her to hospital so I can rest and I was told I cant even do that...if I leave her there it is abandonment....if someone is not there to pick her up on the moment they are ready to let her go, I could be charged and been searching for over month for help, went to go to firestation direct even tho I was a danger to myself to drive, got pulled over for speeding, I told him what I was suppose to, was an ass and offered no help. then pounded on the door of the firestation for 5 minutes, whent home and melted down.
I am done
I can do no more.....let the card fall where they may
I WAS ABSOLUTELY DEVASTED AND COULD NOT EVEN PULL MYSELF OF THE FLOOR...BUT THAT WAS IT...THE TEST I NEEDED. I DIDNT TELL HER A THING.....SAID I NEED YOU AND COULD SHE COME, NO QUESTIONS ASKED AND SHE DID NOT....
DEVASTATED but today relieved cause I have my answer on what to do with ma. If I have to do it alone I go with my gut and yes we are on.......IT is all mine if I want it....and I nearly killed myself....
so the boat shall sail, who wants to come see my farm...that was the only issue.
but then
Bobbie, I think you are right, you were broke, when it needed to be about you it became about the boat...I hope you are doing better and continue to move forward into healthier and happier places for you in your life...You deserve this!
He's not dead yet, he is not gone yet...but mom called a different number after a week and got an appt on Tues. he is going...And not a second too soon...The other night she was screaming and crying in trying to help him change his Depends for the 8 millionth time..
"JUST STOP TALKING DADDY JUST STOP TALKING LISTEN TO ME! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE I JUST CAN'T!!
"WELL GOD DAMnIT I'LL DO IT!!"
HE THINKS SHE MEANS PULL HIS GOD DAMN PANTS UP...
NO she means all of it, anymore....before it kills her...
She came out and cried in,the bathroom, cried in her recliner..."I have go to find a place for him..." She said from the depths of despair and misery...
I looked in the phone book..."Isn't there some sort of clearinghouse for care giving or something? What about respite care ?"
"They don't have any beds either!"
"They have to for emergencies..."
She is getting tense twitchy and BLAM!
"JENNIFER, I KNOW YOU ARE TRYING TO HELP BUT THAT PHONE BOOK IS JUST REALLY!!!!!"
"I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING!!!"
Like I have any control and any fucking say in anything here...!
I put it away and she cried more...we watched TV like it wasn't even in the room...The hydrocodone started looking really good when I went to bed, but I just left it and did crosswords and went to "sleep"...
Tuesday.....then packing up his shit? Right? God I hope so...I can't take anymore...
Jen
k just got excited and to explode it out as never in a million years did I think I would get it that quick, 1 phonecall and done! Anyway. it is a permanent move not a vacation tho....that is for sure....accomodations are set I just need to decide to fly her asap or just wait for cruise and rent an rv till then she has seen Hawaii so much when I worked it....I always wanted to take her to n'awlins and I have always wanted to check out grand canyon, floriday keys....maybe we drive around till September.
n angel I believe.....within a day my life has changed so much honestly I am leaning to the beach house i want to scuba i got 15 ys to catch up!
just amazed it only took 1 phonecall to know if i could actually get it or not and i could if i have a farmer to sign contract. wow
Cuz, I loved that joke. Read it to the Boat Angel and he said, Yup, sounds like a Southern boy.
OK, Juju!
Sure is good to see from you and to catch up on what you are dealing with.
When it was time for my mom to go I fed her baby food even though it took forever. I really had to pay attention to the fact that with Dementia comes swallowing issues so we took extra care to make sure it went down the right pipe.
The Death with Dignity Act in the State of Oregon might not be the answer in end of life for elders.
The requirements are that the patient must administer the doses themselves and make the requests for the lethal drugs themselves.
I went ahead and read up on it and the .pdf is available for all to read. Just Google Death with Dignity in Oregon.
I don't understand how the Alz organization could get involved because the long range complications are that a Demented person cannot make those decisions and it could lead to abuse down the road where people start offing Granny because she has become a pain in the a**.
Not everyone is as thoughtful and caring as you are Juju and I know what you are going through because I went through it and quite a few people here on this thread alone and many more on this site have gone through it too.
Sux doesn't even begin to cover it.
I made my mom comfortable and surrounded her with pretty things that she loved and made sure her tv programs that she liked were on. The last two weeks were brutal but that is what end of life is. Brutal.
I hope you have people to sit with you and to listen to you and to hold you when you cry. I hope you can find the strength to allow you to let Nature take its course, and it will if you let it.
It is so hard to understand that we have to help our moms and or dads to die. We have worked so hard to care for them and keep them healthy that when it comes down to the beginning of the end we need to make ourselves switch gears and help them to die. But, because of the nature of Dementia and the related diseases associated with it, we have to help them to die naturally.
There is no easy answer and it's like a big old freight train rumbling down the tracks.
It's coming, nothing can stop it and all you can do is make decisions you can live with for the rest of your life.
Hold her hand and tell he you love her and spend all the time you are capable of by her side.
Take breaks and remember that there's a big world out there ready for you to join it and I know you are doing that because of the house in Hawai'i.
(I did look that up before the admin removes the link and it's beautiful)
Now I am going to tell you all something I have been keeping to myself. Juju's situation has spurred me to communicate.
When my mom died I lost it. I was all over the map bouncing between grief and euphoria, hope and desolation.
Not knowing that I shouldn't make major decisions in the face of major grief, I went out and bought a major boat.
I went from being a caregiver to my mom to being a caregiver to a boat.
Anyone who has read the front end of this thread knows what I was trying to accomplish. I wanted to get a boat and share it with the people who were going through the same hell I was.
We all joined in and fantasied about it and had fun doing it, but the fantasy of a large boat and the reality of a large boat are 180 degrees apart.
Juju, the fantasy of a 10 acre transitioning organic farm and the reality of it are 180 degrees apart.
This July will be 5 years that I have had this boat and even though it has led me into interesting areas had I had known then what I know now I never would have done it.
I would have bought a ticket to the Bahamas, spent a month there and come back to rebuild my life without the burden of supporting a big boat and the people that I needed to run it.
For the last months I have been seeing a therapist. It has been the best decision I have made because instead of taking anti-depressants and trying to cope that way I fought for and got talking therapy to help me get right.
The only drug I take now is an 81mg aspirin. No funny cigarettes, no xanax no nothing.
It has taken awhile for the fog to lift and being so sick last year just made it worse. That's the main reason I began the therapy since I truly thought that my life was over and I had to understand how to cope with my own coming freight train.
At the last session, after I described the crazy I went through leading up to and following my mom's death, my decision to get a big boat and the amount of work and energy I had to put into it (energy that I had already given up for my mom) the weeks and weeks I didn't leave my boat and how I cried so hard I thought I would wash the stripes and spots off of the Kitty, my therapist said to me:
You had a nervous breakdown.
Old fashioned words to describe a very real and modern caregiving issue.
I had used PTSD and knew I wasn't right and knew I was making insane decisions (a large BOAT for chrissakes) but I really didn't get the impact until this compassionate lady sitting across from me said: Nervous Breakdown.
My nerves just… broke down.
I broke.
I was broken.
Five years after my mom's death I think I am beginning to heal. I don't know for sure because I will backslide and I know my coping skills are still somewhat shot out but every day I try to get better.
It's been so hard.
It would have been a lot easier to deal with without that big Cruiser.
It just is.
So Juju, I say to you, take care of Juju. Be with your mom and when she leaves you, take care of Juju.
Don't take on a farm or a dive boat or any of that.
Charter a dive vacation for Juju and look forward to that. Spend a LOT of time considering your next move.
I love your GoFundMe idea and I wish you the best and bet that you could get a great vacation for yourself and a buddy from GoFundMe and when it's over, it's over.
If, after 6 months to a year after your mom is gone and your life is not ruled by the constant stress of 'Is this the moment? If I go to the store will she still be alive when I get back?' and every other crazy stress that caregiving brings, if after that time you still want to farm or run for Miss America, those opportunities will be there and waiting for you.
Boats and Real Estate opportunities are like buses. Miss this one and another will come along. Doesn't always look like that in the moment, but it's true.
As always, when I write about my personal experiences, they are only that.
My experiences. Nothing more. If you can take something away that will help you not experience all the bad that I have then it has been worth it to me to reveal things about myself that someone else with better sense would not write about.
lovbob
I am so happy to have a positive rant for the first time....it always me complaining I hate that I hate hate hate it!
I guarantee you, my mothers face will be on "good morning America" the forgotten beautiful soul in that whole death with dignity plan" with or without alz, compassion and choices are on board!!
Here is the kicker...I moved her to Oregon because death with dignity act. Brittany Maynard reminded me I have that option...(combined with your story bob n everything else) So that's one of the things I have been busy with.
it wasn't the "it's time" it was the method...WE, I as her medical power of attorney, do not qualify due to the Alzheimers. I must take the route I cannot live with my self to take. I would rather put a pillow over her face n end it than slowly starve her to death...it is cruel and unusual punishment.
That is where my pain lies.....I can euthanize my dog but I have to starve my mother to death...I will not be able to be present for that event. I don't know how I can live with myself if I am not! that is my pain....today my only issue now is how to not just give up on my dream and end it all.....I had my first incedent that day they were here evaluating her...she had gotten wedged in a position and I could not move her without possibly skin tears the woman "by law" was not able to assist....I spent most of the day working at it but just couldn't called everyone I knew when I had reach limit and was gonna call fire dept to help my friend finally called back n we got it done but It was seven hours of her stuck and me losing my mind...with the system!!!!! once I had calmed down from frustration all day and realized I could just call firemen the phone rang and I was so grateful...I did not want the light and ambulance out front not that day so somebody is looking out for me....
pray we get our retreat!!!
I step away from 'HUMMINGBIRD HOUSE FOUNDATION" headquarters....BoB..im telling you it was when I went back and read the first 250 post when you were so sick back in October and I missed and worried about you so I just read about you...anyway since being here went from packing ma n dogs in the car and going in the river to this I new I still had it...I was a contracts admin project management by career that poor realtor did not know who she was messing with
anyway.......if not cause of the land/farm deal....I will find the land and he is the architect and will help me build my own version.....so today I cannot lose I have ocean front acre ( with scuba access with in a block in escrow I can get and my moms van I can sleep in till I can get situated or the dream house ready to go....I will finally be able to pay someone to care for her and I can take her there and just have the fun we deserve! Please come visit us bobbie if we make it there I want to talk to you about my dive boat next goal!
I step away from 'HUMMINGBIRD HOUSE FOUNDATION" headquarters....BoB..im telling you it was when I went back and read the first 250 post when you were so sick back in October and I missed and worried about you so I just read about you...anyway since being here went from packing ma n dogs in the car and going in the river to this I new I still had it...I was a contracts admin project management by career that poor realtor did not know who she was messing with
anyway.......if not cause of the land/farm deal....I will find the land and he is the architect and will help me build my own version.....so today I cannot lose I have ocean front acre ( with scuba access with in a block in escrow I can get and my moms van I can sleep in till I can get situated or the dream house ready to go....I will finally be able to pay someone to care for her and I can take her there and just have the fun we deserve! Please come visit us bobbie if we make it there I want to talk to you about my dive boat next goal!
but the good news is as i said these dumbs*ts have messed with the wrong girl and because of what my realtor did i just secured the house in my little box my dream house is ours if mom can make it on the cruise ship in September, and i know once we are there....SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTIES IS ON BOB YOU BETTER START ROUTING TOWARD KONA!!!!
THERE IS NO WORST NIGHTMARE TO DEAL WITH THAN OVERWORKED MOMS BDAY 9/28/27.....OPEN HOUSE LAUNCH.
THERE IS NO GREATER FURY THAN A SCORNED 24/7 FURY WITH A COMPUTER!!
PRAY THIS WORKS ALL I NEED NOW IS A GO FUND ME ACCT ACCT SET UP AND I GOT TWO YEARS TO GET IT PAID OFF I THINK I AM GONNA FAINT....
I FREAKING DID IT....ONLY THING IN THE WAY IS YOU HAVE TO BE A GENERATIONAL FARMER. I AM NOT BUT ON OF MY DEAREST OLDEST FRIENDS IS...IF WE CAN MAKE IT WORK OMG.....
PRAY FOR US, I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA DO SOMETHING
OUR CAREGIVER RESPITE SPOT IS WITH IN REACH....
sorry for caps but was on a roll and was to excited to stop....pray all prayyyyyy!!!!
Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls,
followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets hi overalls
fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish,
he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes
in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do
something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come and splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)
luvCuz