I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
I take care of mom's meds, as far as putting them in the weekly pill box, but have found that sometimes she not getting all of pills out (she almost blind now), so I am going to have to start checking the pill box after she takes her medication to make sure she took her all.
Here is the answers to your to important questions.
We just started the Xanax it is only 1/2 of .25
She fell and broke her hip two years ago in her home and that is when she came to our house. Her short term memory has declined. She doesnt remember taking her medicine or that her homemaker was here for the day. In fact over Christmas she did not know her own grandson.
She never knows what time of day it is. She thinks it is morning after every nap.
She will not get out in the winter time because of the cold. My husband and I took her out shopping one day after Christmas and she was in bed for three days because it took a toll on her.
She has a daily routine that she has done for years even when she was at home. It seems that when it is broken she gets more confused. We do not go out to eat because most of the foods she can not eat. She chokes easily. All she does is just sit here with us (my husband and I). My daughter lives with us until her husband gets out of the service in July. Which that might change here soon. She is talking of movig out now instead of waiting until July.
The house is quite we do not have much traffic coming through.
She is the type of person that keeps things to herself and it is very hard to get it out of her. I have tried over the years. She has been this way ever since I was little.
She knows she is loved around here. Otherwise she would not stay with us. Believe me she would let us know that. She can stand her ground. She is little but very might.
I was talking to my daughter last night about her. I ask if maybe my daughter could get granny involved in puzzles again. This way it would be someone else instead of me all the time.
I need to talk to my son. He does not come around unless it is the holidays. I do believe he needs to be more involved with her. I know every one has their own life but sometimes someone else needs you also.
I am not asking him to do much just come and visit with her once in a while. I do not ask him to sit with her because I always get "Well I do not know what we are doing or Well my sister is right there or I will have to check with my girlfriend" I get tired of the excuses so I do not ask any more. But for mom's sake he needs to help with her by entertaining her. At least I think so.
Thank you again baffled. I always need to see things from someone's view instead of mine all the time.
All you caregivers are in my prayers.
Carol
1) Check that Xanax as to dosage and how often she's taking it. The doctor may have prescribed too much or she may be taking more than prescribed. It's a magical medicine if taken correctly but if too much it can give strange results. Also, there's the possibility the doctor didn't prescribe a strong enough dosage to prevent depression. You probably need to talk to the doctor again to let him know how she's behaving. People don't sleep well if they're depressed and people get depressed when they don't sleep well. It's the old chicken and egg problem.
2) Find any and every excuse you can to get her out of the house for walks, rides, anything, just get her doing something outside the home if only for a few minutes several times a week. Change her daily routine! Do the two of you ever go out to a long lunch? Does she go grocery shopping with you? Does she drive on her own?
3) She may keep things to herself due to feeling that no one cares what's she's thinking or feeling. Try to get her to talk when there's only the two of you around. Don't demand she talk to you, just ease into it by telling her you're concerned and would like to know if there's something you can do to help.
4) Two families under one roof can be difficult some times. Make a point of including her in conversations and activities, it will be worth the effort. The effort has to come from you to make her feel wanted and part of the family.
You didn't say if it's her home, your home, if there's grandchildren around, if it's noisy or usually quiet, her age, her general health, etc. Her immediate surroundings are extremely important. If her behavior changes to the point you notice it and doesn't correct itself after trying the above or anything else you can think of, it's time for a doctor's visit to see if he/she can come up with something to help.
This will be long. I have alot to get off my chest.
I am here to let some stuff out. Yesterday we got bad news about my mother's brother. He has 6 months to live. They thought surgery would do the trick, but they opened him and sew him right back up.
This is a strange relationship between them. They have not really spoke for several years. But of course he is my mother's baby brother. It is only them two left.
I do not know what to expect out of Mom. Last month when we found out from the aunt. Mom wanted to call her brother. Well when I called the Aunt said, "UH UH UH UH UH I really dont know. Can you call back?" I said will 10 minutes be ok. And she said longer if you can. She has never informed us of his illnesses before. We always found out from someone else.
But back to Mom, she ws not sleeping good. So I called the DR. and they suggested a Xanax (sp) at night. Now she is not eating to good either and is sleeping at all hours of the day or at least she is staying in her room. She usually comes out and sits with us and watch tv or whatever. I do not know if she is not feeling well or not. She is not one to talk to anyone. She usually keeps everything inside. So I know she is constantly thinking of him.
I did tell her about his diagnosis. Maybe I should not but I figure she needs to know. I think she would have figured something out if we did not tell her.
So does anyone know what signs to look for in my mother so she will not go into a depression or worse. I have never been in this type of situation that MOm was not there to help me through it, now I have to help her :(.
I do not know what to do.
I would appreciate any comments or suggestions any one might have.
Thanks
And All you caregivers are in my prayers.
ask your doc if there is a way they can recommend the right one since there are alot of different ones being marketed right not.
when people get older how they digest changes so who knows what food the culprit is?
cheers for being so forthright about this subject - you are a great daughter
I'll experiment and thanks again :)
Thanks :)
all the above suggestions are good & work. I just press my tongue to the roof of my mouth and remember not to breathe through my nose (works believe it or not)
There are a few other options -
1. evaluate & change her diet - her doc or a dietitian can be a good source, or if you care to share with us we can all give you best suggestions. Without knowing what her diet, and meds are, am hesitant to recommend anything
2 there are products out there to cut down on the scent. If you go on line google osteomy supplies
hope this helps,
I found that lemon citrius helps and alot of lysol. I burn a candle at all times. Even when there is no mess to clean up. Your mind will tell you there is.
aplaceformom.com/
Now, on a totally different subject. I have an extremely bad time with "odors". I gag and gag and sometimes throw up so am pretty useless when it comes to cleanups, and it's even bad on bathroom visits. What does anyone do to help with this issue? I know it's not mom's fault that some of her emissions could classify as hazardous material and I make sure to apologize as I gag.
Any ideas?
Thanks!
We moved here two weeks ago, and I've yet to find caregivers; I'm exhausted.
I got some comfort reading the submissions, and plan to return to read more.
Thanks..bethie
Neither my husband or myself qualify for Medicaid. His Medicare will not start until he has been on disability for 2 years. They said his disability is above the income limit. He gets 30% through the VA and 100% through Social Security. I just need to get a job. BUT! He can't be left alone. I'm still researching all of this. I havn't given up yet. I'm not only phsically exausted, I'm mentally worn out. I was terminated from my job exactally 2 days after my surgery in April. They said I would be off work to long and they could not hold my position for me. I live in Arkansas. This is a right to work state. We had a major factory burn down. Jobs in this little town are real scarce. The biggest town from us is 45 miles away. Thats to far to leave him alone.
Speaking of getting involved, it appears Congress is going to take on changes through out the health care system. If caregivers for the elderly at home don't get involved early on, once again they will be totally overlooked and things won't be any better for those who are keeping the elderly at home. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Carol
Cash and Counseling program
Some of you may benefit from this program. There is a list of states below where it is available but the list may be outdated, you might want to check locally to see if this help is available to you. This program allows payments to family members for elderly care.
Cash & Counseling participants may use their Medicaid-provided personal assistance budgets to hire their own personal care aides as well as purchase items or services, including home modifications that help them live independently. By redirecting personal assistance funds from agencies to consumers themselves, Cash & Counseling allows people to hire whomever they want to provide their care and decide for themselves if they would rather hire a home health aide to cook for them, or pay a friend or relative to do it. The services paid for by the state are all part of the elder's authorized Medicaid care plan. What's different is that, in many cases, family members and friends chosen by the elder are providing those services instead of an agency worker.
Today, the grants are available in 12 more states — Alabama, Illinois, Iowa, Kentucky, Michigan, Minnesota, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Vermont, Washington and West Virginia.
According to the Cash and Counseling website, the program was created because, “family caregivers are the backbone of the long-term care system, providing millions of hours of care every year for no compensation and frequently at great cost to their own emotional health. They're burned out and exhausted from juggling work, family responsibilities, and caregiving. In addition, many caregivers have to reduce their work hours or even give up their jobs to take care of their loved ones. By supporting caregivers, we're helping them hang in longer, and, hopefully, relieving some of their stress. Keep in mind, that even with Cash & Counseling support, family caregivers are typically paid lower-than-average wages and, in most cases, are paid for only a small fraction of the hours of service they provide.“
To apply for the program, elders apply through Medicaid. They are assessed in the same way they would be for traditional agency-provided services. If they choose the Cash and Counseling option, they work with the program’s staff to develop an individual budget and care plan.
To learn more about the Cash and Counseling program, visit the website at www.cashandcounseling.org.
Access the Medicaid website at www
Some of you may benefit from this program. There is a list of states below where it is available but the list may be outdated, you might want to check locally to see if this help is available to you. This program allows payments to family members for elderly care.
Cash
Yes, I tried everything. Or at least I think I did! I'll keep trying though. Congrats on you lunch invite. Make a point to relax and have a good time. There is no telling when you will get invited again. I hope you're feeling better. I had surgery in April. I got fired from my job because the surgery was more extensive than we thought. The time off was going to be longer than expected. It was probably better for me anyway. My husband needs 24hr care now. I can only imagine how hard it is for him after being a truck driver for 28 years and only 58 years old. He still has alot of his memory. It is fading though. He has brain damage with his Dementia. I contacted aarp and they are going see if there is any help out there for caregivers. God Bless and have a good time.
Have you tried your office of the aging for low cost aides- we did not qualify but you might be able.
We have never spoken and I see how many people here care so much for you. People who understand. I can't imagine what you are going through, but it seems to me that you have already gone through the most incredible thing in your life and remained strong. You've been so strong for so long and I'm sure you will continue to be that way. My moms accountant, who has decided that now I'm back, is dumping it all on me. She mentioned something some weeks ago that might help you. Or I hope it does. There is a section of the social services that helps more mature people get back into the work force. Might you call them? It might not be the best choice for who am I to give advice? But I hear they offer training and assistance in finding something to do. Do you NEED to work? If not, there are so many worthy organizations that need volunteers. Do it at your own pace. Not the pace of others who don't know what you've gone through.
MindingOurElders,
Forgive me if I implied anything. There are days when I feel just plain mean. I don't know where my mom gave up(she's been sick for years some due to her own actions). She raised my brother and I all on her own. She has been such a light in our life. So strong. Then gave up. I wish I knew what it was. Not only is she my mother, she is my mentor, my best friend and she had to be my father too. This is what upsets me the most, but yet keeps me going the most. What a wonderful person I remember her being at her best.
I'm sitting here searching the internet and these waves of emotions keep coming over me. This is one of those days I can't stop crying. I keep thinking there has to be more to life than this. But What? It's terrible when you feel like your not worth anything anymore. I've lost myself somewhere along the line. My whole life has been about raising kids and taking care of my husbands needs. I love kids. Now I have a kid in my husband. It doesn't feel the same.. When he is not having his episodes of forgetfullness or incontinence, I see my husband as the man he use to be. Then I feel bad for the loss of all the things we had planned when the kids grew up. It's funny how you can feel so alone and yet your not. Lonliness is a problem for me. Family and friends are scarce around here. This may be a little self centered, but I'm only 54. Don't get me wrong. There is no possibility I would ever consider giving up on him. We've been married 29 yrs. Does anyone feel remotley close to this, or am I alone.
I'm not quite yet the authority figure in my mothers life. She is 74 and still very much in her right mind. My caregivers responsibility is my husband who is 58. I am his authority figure. He can not make a decision on his own. Our children, which consist of yours mine and ours do not see the functiong of our daily lives but they are very quick to judge me. Some of them get down right nasty about it. They believe everything he might tell them. Although he forgets what he has said within hours of saying it. I'm sure somedays he doesn't like me very much. Someone has to control his functioning everyday. Like change soiled clothes, take meds, it's time to eat. etc. My last response was meant for marie, but it actually can help me also. Thanks...
"Is it possible that you have become an authority figure in your mothers mind and as teenagers sometimes do, she's rebelling against you. " Truer words were never spoken. No matter how hard one tries to not interfer and 'control' them, leaving decisions up to them and then supporting them, they have this long established pecking order in mind and we're stuck with it. It isn't based on anything we've done since they became elderly, it was established long ago. Strange, how rarely the favored ones step up to the plate and take care of the parent who favors them so much. I've come to believe that if the 'favored' one did take care of that parent, they wouldn't be the favored one very long. (grin)
Is it possible that you have become an authority figure in your mothers mind and as teenagers sometimes do, she's rebelling against you. Most children growing up sometimes have a parent they favor more. I believe it is because they can get away with more and that parent will believe anything they say. Your brother is just that person to your mother. He does not have to be authoritive to her. He isn't around her that much. He only needs to say what she wants to hear and then go on his way. I know you sound like a very loving person. You would not give up on a teen. Mostly out of love. I know you wouldn't even consider giving up on your mother. Bless you for that. Hang in there. No one can promise that it will get better. Just knowing you are doing the right thing is all anyone can ask for. Chin up marie. One day at a time.