notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
I liked the analogy you made, "the leopard not changing their spots."
This is exactly what it is with my sister. I must admit, I felt bad even having to dish my own attitude towards her there at that table, when she didn't introduce me. But she does this doormat treatment towards me, every now and again, interesting how it always seems to surface in front of other people. On the way home that day, I thought about it, and after much thought, I was okay w/how I handled the situation. I know this is where it takes some courage on my part to stand up for myself. But with respect to my own dysfunction about this treatment, it comes from both my parents. Since I being the eldest, I was very trained by mother and my father, to always look the other way, somehow succumb to this kind of bad behavior by my sister, who always was domineering since she was a child. Instead of putting my sister in her place, and teaching her to share, and that NO, she couldn't have her own way all of the time. But this was favoritism on my dad's part in some fashion, and plain neglect on mom's part, (she wasn't interested in doing the discipline), too self absorbed.
But oh well, we're adults now!! I'm really trying to catch myself in these old behavior patterns. They don't serve me!
Thanks Emjo for your input! Much Love, Margeaux
Yes, I truly must be on my guard with my sister. She's really cunning about trying to get me back in her graces. HAAH! What graces I ask myself?? Really!
This is a challenging situation, since I knowing what I'm dealing with, on the one hand, as I did that day, thought it was a moment for me to stand my ground in that scenario. But also, be on the lookout as to what my sister's next move is, to try to reel me in.
Margeaux, I think your sis is up to something. She purposely did not introduce you at the party. And that just made her look bad. Wonder what she's up to? Must be something big. Well, when she springs that surprise, remember to tell us! I'm so curious about it.
I live in a modestly small home compared to my mother's home. She has criticized it and knocked it so much because nothing is ever good enough for a NM. My sister's home is quite large too, but she has that home as a result of her divorce, it's not something she bought on her own. My mother has always criticized me for not having a larger home. For many years it bothered me that she saw me as being less than my sister. I have a wonderful husband, we have a home we have built together for 35 years and my mother cannot see that part of it. I have told her if my home is not good enough for you then don't come here. My sister never developed any cooking skills so I am the daughter that cooks Thanks giving and Christmas dinners for my mother and my SISTER. I am still the irresponsible child in my mother's eyes. One Thanksgiving about 4 years ago, my mother came over and was criticizing my in laws and my husband, I finally told her if she didn't like things the way they are...then get out of my house!! She left, Lol!! I am proud of you for taking your power back...it is empowering when we do that and thank you for your support and for sharing, I am enjoying getting to know you better♥!!
I received an email from my long lost brother in Montana. Apparently my sister called him over the weekend telling him what is going on with our paranoid mother. He wanted my version of it. So I told him everything mother has been doing regarding her accusations toward us but mostly toward my sister. I told him to google paranoid personality disorder to get an idea of what caused our mother to be the way she has been, especially when we were growing up. I don't know what my sister expects our brother to do.
jessie, mother and my sister do the same - use things I share against me.. I have had to learn the hard way not to share much, and it doesn't feel natural. It IS terrible when we have to hide from our own parents. I have a friend of many years who is from a "normal" family, and we have talked about our mothers. I will never forget her telling me that all she wanted was to be like her mother. The idea of being like my mother totally scares me - she is the last person I want to be like!
Thursday, my wife will get an MRI done on her knee and we will see the doctor's assistant the following week. So, that is two more weeks until we have some sort of treatment plan.
I hope we both sleep better tonight also.
Emjo, I don't tell my mother much of anything because she will ultimately use it as ammunition against me. I don't even tell her if I have a friend I'm meeting, because she will keep pushing at me to pursue the friend more if it is a man. She uses anything I tell her against me. And forget telling her anything bad -- she'll broadcast it to everyone she knows. I find it's best to just tell her what she needs to know. It's terrible when we have to hide from our own parents. I agree completely about not letting your mother know about your trip. She would probably be upset if you did not end up making the trip all about her. You need some time to grieve with your friend and not worry about your mother. Hugs to you.
It might not be the visit itself as you say, but a combination of smaller things. Slept in to almost 3 today as did my wife, but was not able to get to sleep until late last night. She's not been able to sleep well with the pain in her injured knee. The doctor has ordered a CAT Scan for next week. He expects cartilage damage. She has some special pain meds, but since it contains a narcotic, she's careful to only take it when she really needs it for it knocks her out flat on her back. BTW, this now makes 5 weeks of dealing with this knee before which there was a foot problem, and before that a back problem, and before that carpal tunnel surgery.
Well, it is time for the nebulizer again.
Take care.
Love and hugs to all!
Margeaux~Sounds like your sister may be feeling she has ignored you and good for you for introducing yourself!! My mother has not be officially diagnosed with a personality disorder but I have talked with a couple therapists who have said that is what is sounds like to them. Of course they would have to evaluate her to determine it and as one psychologist told me, she could have a PD plus bi polar. Either way she has a mental problem regardless of the diagnosis be official. We should have more info after we talk with a social worker this week. You are doing a great job standing up for yourself with your sister!!
MissSassy~That is great news about the meds making all the difference!! It must be a load off your mind to have a loving environment for you and the kids!!
Everyone have a day and enjoy the time with your family and friends. We are still in the 90's here but looks like 80's from Tuesday on. Looking forward to some cooler weather!!!!
Margeaux - thanks. They are coping skills which we need when dealing with ill people. Not sure if I will drive yet, but probably - wait and see right now. It is good we have friends and other family who are loving and supportive -don't know what I would do without them. You wrote this about your sister "she employs behavior to make me feel as if I'm a second class citizen". I have epereinced this from my sister and also my mother. Truly I don't think your sister is anything but self-serving and I would be suspicious about her being "nice" to you after slighting you that way That is how narcissists are. They try to get you back in their good books so they can use you again or put you down. I used to think that maybe this time it would work out, but it never has. The put downs always followed sooner or later. The leopard does not change its spots. I would find itvery hard to relieve her for a weekend away after she has treated me like that. I finally told my sister "No more" until we have sorted out the obvious animosity between us. Of course, she claimed she had no animosity and denied ever doing or saying anything hurtful to me. So there it is.
Hope evryone is enjoying some sunshine and a nice weekend. Love , hugs and prayers, Joan
Thanks sharyn - I don't think I will have to lie to mother, just not tell her that I am going to be in edmonton. She communicates mainly by email so I can do that from anywhere. If she pushes it I don't have to answer or can simply say that now is not a good time for me to visit her, which is true. I also feel for my mother, but can't let those feelings get in the way of me looking after myself. I suspect your mum will stay poaranoid as she has been all along. You meniotoined her having to fight everything. Mother is like that. Everything is a battle. She has no thoughts of working things out, or cooperating with people. It is all fighting, winning, and forcing things her way, and putting others down. I think you are right it is a waiting game - I feel that is what I am in too, Wait and watch. Ramble away - that is what we are here for. I hope you get everything done before you go away, and I hope you have a great time.
coulditbeme - we do talk about our own dysfunctionalities here - we are part of the dysfunctional famlies. One of the things that happens when you have a parent with a personality disorder is that you continually wonder if it is you not them. They give you that message. I decided very early in life (preschool) that though I certainly had faults, I was not responsible for all that was being heaped on me, and that mother definitely had problems. This was confirmed later - much later - by professionals. That is not to say it was clear sailing for me by any stretch of the imagination, but somewhere deep inside I knew I was not at fault for everything of which I was accused. Do share your story with us when you are ready.
I was just wondering about some mixed signals by my sister's behavior. While we were at the after reception, we were seated at a big table. Her boyfriends co-workers were seated right next to us. At some point, my sister introduced my sister in law, the caregiver, and mom. I was seated directly across from my sister, and she did not introduce me. I felt slighted by her, not to mention embarrassed with the co-workers, because they looked at me, like wondering, "well who is she."
I waited about a minute, then I introduced myself! When this happened, my sister started to apologize, and tried to suave it over saying, "oh this is my sister."
This is not the first time my sister done this to me in public. Usually it's not in my nature to display some kind of distaste for someone else's negligence. But this time I'm afraid, I did kind of say something like, 'yeah sure," under my breath.
I've reached a point somewhat w/regards to my controlling sister, and her behavior with regards to me that I've really grown tired of she behaving this way. Then in a few weeks she's going to call me up to come relieve her to take care of mom, so she can have a get away weekend w/her boyfriend.
Last week after this, it was rather interesting, because I received at least 3 phone calls from my sister all in the nature of keeping me informed of things going on w/our mom,. This was rather unusual, because many times my sister in an effort to control, w/make me feel like I have to kind of pull teeth w/her to get certain info, or inform me of something way after the fact. But you see, how she employs behavior to make me feel as if I'm a second class citizen?
Anyway, I somewhat found her calls last week a bit on the suspicious side, wondered if possibly she even felt kind of guilty that day for not making the introduction, and my reaction towards it. Margeaux
Oh!!! I know you have been having quite a time w/your mom!
It's anyone's guess what different people will do once they have ALZ.
Everything you've written about very recently, with the episodes about your mom making accusations, not being able to remember, etc. This situation that you and your sister currently are in reminds me of what my sister was up against w/our aunt last year. We had another ingredient going on in our family. That is that mom is diagnosed w/ALZ. Her sister had congestive heart failure, diabetes, but was never mentally diagnosed. Since their financial asset were intermingled, this made it very convoluted. Since my aunt who already behaved as if she was my mom's parent, and this escalated when mom was diagnosed, we had a real problem on our hands w/our aunt. She had to have had a personality disorder also. But especially last two years of her life, she was exhibiting the same behavior like your mom is doing, especially not trusting the very people who are in her life. Well I remember when you wrote about the neighbor who is balancing her checkbook, so it's good she has someone like this.
My aunt, unfortunately had enlisted in the last few years of her life, a rotten attorney. He ended up improperly filing a reassessment of a property jointly owned by she and our mom. The attorney was supposed to do a transfer of a property into the Living Trust. This of course was done behind my sister's back when my aunt got a wild hair up you know where and while my sister was the POA. But our aunt was supposedly getting it revoked and reassigned to our youngest brother.
Anyway, the reason I'm writing all of this, is that I believe if someone has been super difficult all of their lives, (like our aunt) they're certainly going to up it several notches when they are elderly. These were the key moments during which I had suggested if there was a way for my sister to talk to and elder attorney or Area on the Aging. Certainly, while I think it's wonderful that elders want to remain independent, but for their own good some of them just cannot be in this position.
O.K., Sharynmarie, I know this must be a trying time for you. Hang in there!
My thoughts are with you! Love & Light! Margeaux
I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend's son. This is quite sad, a young person taking their own life.. My heart goes out to you to, since it is stirring up the loss of your Gordie.
Well, don't feel bad about not going to see your mom during the time you are to be there for the funeral. Lately it seems as if different people on this thread are feeling at odds with measures we feel must be taken, IMO they're coping skills. I think it's ultimately important to remember that if we who are the ones who either because of the role we play in our families, or because we sometimes put pressure upon ourselves still must use whatever it takes to make things less stressful. I know I do certain things whenever I go into the den of cobwebs over at mother's house.
O.K. Emjo, you're in my thoughts! Be safe on your drive there to Edmonton.
Much Love, Love & Light! Margeaux
Isn't it good that we do have other friends and family we do feel close to at least?
I have some friends like this, and I'm so thankful!
This thread has now reached 1284 posts since its inception on January 5, 2012. That is an average of slightly more than 140 posts per month. Wow! This is one active thread which is great to see and definitely touching a need.