My father who is 87 years old, has Parkinson’s Disease and some degree of cognitive decline has been living with me, my husband and son for about 5 months now. Prior to his move here, he was living with his common law wife of 13 years. He often called me or one of my sisters begging us to come and get him because “she’s killing me”. My husband and I drove out to get him twice and both times he refused to go. I flew out to visit every two months before he came to us. When I visited I sometimes saw behaviours that were concerning to me. My father rarely left the bedroom then and was often quite anxiety ridden (hence the calls to us, I guess). I remember on one particular occasion, my father coming out of his room in a very anxious agitated state. My father’s common law wife told him to go back to bed. He did. I asked her what are we going to do and her response was “I think he’s going to drive himself crazy”. I was concerned. My sisters and I were told by his common law wife that he was being evaluated. She felt he was not doing well mentally. I asked about the results but was told Dad was forgetful but “as expected for someone with his stage of Parkinson’s Disease”.
I should have pushed harder for details, I know. Other things would occur that to me were not appropriate, but were explained away by Dads CL wife. She wouldn’t bring his meds to him for example; she said he needed to do things for himself. I tried to be understanding, after all he does need to do what he can do for himself. Over time, Dad's state of mind was very depressed and anxious every time I visited and he had begun calling my other sisters asking them to come and get him. Eventually my sisters arranged to go and pick him up, at his request. They called me a couple days before to tell me he was coming. To be honest, I didn’t think he would come, but amazingly he did.
Since Dad has lived here he has gone from constant demands to go to the ER or call 911, anxious demands for extra meds (which he didn’t get), from a person that bore no resemblance to my Dad to someone who is much more peaceful. My Dad has been slowly re-emerging. Dad has maintained constant contact with his CL wife since he’s been here and I’ve been providing her with regular updates and pictures. He loves her and I want to respect that, but she also is very upset with my sisters and I for what she sees as conspiring to take my Dad away from her.
She’s coming to visit soon staying for a week and she and my Dad have suggested that I take her visit as an opportunity to go visit my sisters out of town. It seems like a nice offer on the face of it. My Dad though has an appointment during her visit so I asked if his CL wife will take him and attend the appointment with him? He asked me not to leave until after the appointment. I don’t know what to think. I feel like crying constantly the last few days. I’m not sure if it’s reasonable but I feel angry with my Dad too. Any input would be wonderful. Thank you.
Does Dad have a will? If not may be a good time to have one drawn up if he has any assets. Some states recognize, any money or property obtained before a marriage the spouse can't claim. Only assets procured during the marriage. She should be left something but maybe not everything. That's up to Dad.
I guess the visit was not so great.
If he gave her $60k and has credit card debt, that would be very poor judgment on his part.
Perhaps they are separating legally, or divorcing.
A woman who has spent many years with a man deserves to be treated better than this.
Yet in certain areas regarding his health she has shown negligence
That does not show her to be a caring person for him. And back to the withdrawal of money. Those 2 issues would bother me greatly. If you were to state on this post that she has been a source of true help to him it would be different. It just doesn't seem as that is the case. I hope you find some resolutions for him and his children's feelings of well being.
Did your father have his own bedroom when he was living with his partner? If so, why?
Why did she tell him to go back to bed?
What is his stage of Parkinson's?
You say that she feels he's not doing well mentally. You say that she wants him to do things for himself as much as possible. On the one hand, doctors will advise patients with Parkinson's to continue to live life as they normally would as much as possible, and many times, it's the patients who insist on doing things themselves even when they shouldn't be. It's hard to take those things away from them because they often feel useless. On the other hand, it's not good to forget to take medication or to take medication multiple times.
You say your father's partner is very upset with your sisters and you for what she sees as conspiring to take your father away from her. You took your father away from her. It's not something that she alone sees. It's the fact.
Many times, family members can be in denial. They can even blame the caregiver for the deteriorating state of their loved ones. Depression and anxiety come with Parkinson's. It would be good for the three of you to see a family therapist together.
I don't know why your father wants you to go away while she visits. He might want to tell her he wants to stay with you. He might want to tell her he wants to go with her. But whatever the case, it's your father's decision.
You didn’t say when your step mother (for ease of reference) was coming to visit. You said soon.
I am suggesting a different tactic than others mentioned before.
How about asking your sisters to come to your home at the same time as SM?
You could all join together and discuss what the best course of action going forward is for dad. You could all go to the appointment. You could all discuss what dad’s options are going forward. You could ask the doctor very specific questions based on what you understand dad’s condition is and how it will progress.
You could be gracious to your SM, acknowledging her care for your father in the past and ask her what her plans are for his future. You may all agree on what is best. You may not.
of course, it might be helpful if dad is off with his soninlaws when this discussion is held. No matter how much we love one another we still have the basics to consider. SM has cost of living to consider. They have been sharing costs (assumed) for 13 years, so don’t hold back. Talk about the taxes and insurance which is usualy the high ticket items. Maybe you have been covering those items all along. If not, it’s timw to bring them up. Flush out what problems there might be. Come back and let us know how things go.
Your father's condition can vary from day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month. But he has Parkinson's, a disease that steadily worsens.
There will probably always be differences of opinion as to how much care the elderly should be given.
I wouldnt leave my home when his wife comes to visit on his say so. Its your home. You get to decide. Your not the child any more. Your the caregiver and home owner. Basically the one in charge. Dont give your power away to whims. You have a say so.
Would she bundle him up and take him back home? It might be her idea, and it might be his idea. He changed his mind mult times before. You never know. Im not saying she is up to no good. Im just saying dads mind changes with the wind?
Id go to his docs appt so you are up to date on his medical issues. If the wife wants to go, fine. Let her.
I think when people live together, there might be family dynamics you werent aware of. She might want him to do what he can to keep him active for as long as possible. He might want her to wait on him and and foot. A lot of men of that era feel that way. (that was my mom & dad). That might have contributed to his anxiety. Or it might be his illness, and decline.
You get to decide what goes on in your house. If he is peaceful, let her visit. She met him when he was older and has been with him a long time and taken care of him. I wouldnt stress over it. Just let her visit. He seems happy being taken care of by you. Good luck.
But the main reason for my response is regarding your Dad’s medicine. Parkinson’s medicine is very time critical, which you may know now. I don’t know how advanced his PD is, but once you get past the mid range of the disease, a late or missed dose can have devastating effects. I know PD patients that set alarms, so they are not even a minute late on their next dose.
As other posters have mentioned, it would be wise to find out if common law marriages are even recognized in the state in which they presented themselves as husband & wife. more importantly, it would also be beneficial to make sure your dad's legal documents are up to date. The girlfriend may have been very persuasive & have convinced him to do things that may not be in anybody's best interest but hers.
I will leave you with just one example of how things can go completely sideways in a similar situation. We moved a number of years ago into a very well established neighborhood. The couple that lived across the street were retired. He was a retired oil executive & his wife was a retired school teacher & from the looks of things, very comfortable in their retirement. Their 50 something son lived with them because he apparently had some sort of break down a few years before (& not entirely in control of his own faculties either). Long story short, the father died leaving his now invalid wife in the care of his son. He hired a woman several years younger as a live in. She moved in with her teen aged son. The man's mother passed away within a year of her moving in yet she remained to cook & clean for him. I didn't ask questions as she volunteered all that info to me one day while I was in the yard. Fast forward a couple of years but the man shot himself on their patio. He had grown children but the live in caregiver inherited the house but fell behind with the taxes & was forced to sell it to an investor. Even though she sold the house for half of what it was worth, she still managed to walk away with nearly 200K and this was a just a few years ago. I don't know what all she managed to get from him, but she told me he had left her "everything", apparently to the exclusion of his children. So please be careful in your dealings with this woman.
Given all the answers you’ve received which largely go from extreme support and understanding towards you, to extreme support and understanding towards the CL wife, I felt I needed to re-read your post and try to get what YOUR perspective truly is about this situation.
Re-reading your post led me to two questions:
-Why exactly do you say you’re angry at your dad?
I can think of several reasons but want to understand why you are angry. Is it because you felt he wasn’t giving you a break when he asked you to be with him during the appointment therefore not allowing you to go away?
- What is your opinion about the CL wife aside from her as a caregiver?
Meaning, as a person and as a partner for your dad. And how has been her relationship with you and your sisters? Are you suspicious of her as far as trying to take advantage of your dad in any way? Does she have any financial rights being the CL wife?
I think your answers will enlighten us to be able to give you better founded opinions, although mine remains the same:
Always trust your gut! It applies to every situation.
He needs care giver ..maybe that would help the wife ..
If you decide to leave and something happens you have to be willing to deal with the consequences.
My dad was a full grown man and he made his choices, same as yours. I knew that I helped to the best of my ability and to the extent that he would allow, same as you. In the long run if he would have died, I would have been sad but I couldn't have done more. Once he was with me, that changed, I would have kept her away at all costs. He needs time to regain his manhood and make choices from a position of security and not fear.
If you witnessed her being abusive to your dad, and yes treating him like a child telling him to go back to bed when his daughter is visiting is abuse!
If she would do that in front of you, what does she do when no one is watching?
You don't say how old she is and another poster said she couldn't be that young, they have been together that long, yes she can be that young, he is 87 so 13 years isn't all that long, my dad married a thing that was younger then his youngest daughter and they were together for 20 years.
Have you ever heard of Stockholm syndrome? If not you should do some research. The evil whore my dad married was so abusive and he was to PW that he alienated his entire support system, friends and family alike because of her. When she didn't get her way, it was everyone else that was the problem, she was the loving concerned wifey poo who had his back, bull she had a gun in his back that he knew if he crossed her there was hell to pay. I to got the mystery calls for help only to waste my time when it had all changed by the time I could get there.
She should not be welcomed, let alone left in your house alone. You would not believe the petty damage done to my home when I allowed my dad thing to visit, I was here and she still damaged a bed, let her dog pee on it, ruined my guest towels, used them to polish her boots, then her dog peed on my 4 month old carpet 6 times, never offered to clean it, then the dog barfed in the hallway and she used toilet paper to clean it up to help me out, in her words.
Can you imagine what she could accomplish if she had free rein?
Are you sure he wants the visit or has she pressured him into it?
You see how well he is doing without her, do you want a set back? What if she loads him up and takes him home? What if there is an accident and he ends up dead?
I am not being an alarmist, when I picked my dad up from his situation he was within days of being dead. He was in active heart failure, he had 70# of water weight, his kidneys were shutting down and the toxins from all of this had effected his brain to the point that I was told he needed memory care.
She told you what she was, believe her!
When people have never dealt with evil it is easy to say, oh look she stayed, she's his loving wife and he loves her, you need to accept it and get over all the years of upset, rose colored glasses are great until you look at the devil. Men that have made choices that end them in abusive relationships will 99.9% of the time never admit anything, they will hint and imply but their egos will not allow them to admit that they ended up with an evil, abusive hateful beast. It is shameful and anyone that has ever been there, knows that there is shame in letting yourself get in that situation.
He is telling you that he wants you to intervene by asking you to stay for the appointment. Right now you can't take anything he says at face value, it is still early in the separation and she still has her hooks in him. It took my dad 18 months with no contact to feel safe enough to say she was abusive. We all knew and saw many warning signs but while he was in it, there was no helping him.
From what you have written I think you would be negligent in leaving him alone with her. I don't agree that they need or deserve privacy. It is your house and he is thriving under your care, she can change everything with one private conversation. If they are alone she can exert as much force as she needs to, to get him to bend to her wishes. If you are there you can stop that from happening. As hard as it is, your dad is a vulnerable senior and needs protection just like you would a 3 year old, wanting and getting are two different things.
You know how the last 13 years have been, you know if your dad has changed since his relationship with her and only you can decide if he is safe with her alone. (Continued)
Many people bail out when the slow decline,mental,healthoverwhelming issues begin.....its very complicated how you will fare with deciding when Husband has to go to a NH...and wife will loose home,money etc. im sure Dad has made sure wife will be ok...but well being and being held by wifey like a prisoner in his own home may be going on as wifey did not bargain for when sickness and health would be a problem anyway no one can take care of a Parkinson situation ...its dangerous on the caretaker wife and abusive to husband being told to go to his room like an unruly child...get in there and deal with the inevitable.THIS IS A SECOND MARRIAGE. IASSUME...…….sounds like any person that cant handle the situation...
Maybe the doctor encouraged her not to "coddle him" and that's why she was making him take care of himself. Maybe she's hoping he will "get better" if he's more actively handling his own business. Remember, she's slowly losing the man she has loved for the past thirteen years. The fella who for all intents and purposes has been her husband is slowly slipping away and now has physically left their home. I say that to remind you that she's probably grieving a dual loss.
It's been my experience with cognititve decline that a good deal of those living with it tend to villainize their primary care-giver. You might want to keep that in the back of your mind. If he is doing that with accusations of "trying to kill him" against her then, you might be next on his list of people to accuse of things.
If they've been together for 13 years you should have a pretty good idea of her personality, so you would be the best judge of whether or not she might be abusing or neglecting him. If she has always been a wonderful caring person then leaving her in your home while you take a break would be a great idea. You can use a respite now and then. Like others have said treat her as a short term respite carer and don't expect her to handle doctor visits, therapy etc.
If, on the other hand, she has always been sketchy and your relationship was already strained before your father was diagnosed, then don't leave her in your home or leave your father alone with her at all.
I agree with those who said to get your father thoroughly checked out before deciding anything. If his cognitive impairment is significant he can't be making this choice alone. If on the other hand he is mentally sound then you have no business telling him what to do or not do and in that case only need to decide what you will allow in your home.
Bless you, I know how hard this can be. I've seen this situation in similar forms many times and it's hard on everyone involved. Do take care of yourself. Take care of you. :)
After 10 years, "common law" becomes WIFE.
I was with my DH 33 years, church married for 32 of them, and I was still the outsider in his family, meaning with his grown children.
First get yourself straight on where "this woman" fits into the family. She is his WIFE, and as such, she has rights too. I really got tired of being looked upon as a concubine at best and a whore at worst.
If it was your mother, how would you be treating her? I think you and your sisters need to have a little reality check with this situation.
"She's killing me", and repeated calls to come get him.
Now, she AND your Dad are making suggestions you leave your home on vacation.
Will leaving include your son? Hubs? Have you had this kind of relationship as the grandparents prior to Dad coming to stay with you? With them staying at your home while you (and family?) go away? In the same breath, Dad asks you not to leave?
Red flags:
Anyone who tells an adult to go back to your room/bed, when you are visiting?
Who appears to have undue influence on your Dad?
Who accuses others of "conspiracy".
Is angry at you that he left......
Can you ask advice from APS, if you have concerns that she may be an inappropriate caregiver? Your Dad is a vulnerable adult with his diagnosis.
Please ask Dad to NOT sign anything she gives him to sign without consulting you or an attorney, his attorney.
Given his condition, Dad probably will sign anything he's asked to by someone who can sweet talk him and under the right conditions of daylight, his mood, and whatever he's told by someone he trusts at that moment. You will never know the facts of the matter until it's too late to do anything about it. I know someone who is convinced he has control of his own finances, while also knowing he does not. And I'm not a family member so have no standing to help him.
Your own negative and resentful un-peaceful attitude about someone your father loves and who loves him, no matter how upset she is now, seems to be a long - standing problem, given that he lives an airplane ride away from you, but you seem to understand this is not going well at all, but that's not un-natural. It's a stressful situation for everyone.
She is frustrated and inexperienced in this journey and might not have the best personality for it, but your animosity must stick out enough to make you look like a porcupine to this woman your father loves. What did you expect from her? Hugs and kisses?
Since this woman he loves knows your attitude toward her, I'm not surprised your visits there went "badly." Of course he was "depressed and anxious" when you visited--he hasn't totally "lost it" yet and he knows his own daughter.
If you were to change your attitude and look at this woman as a partner in caring for your father--instead of "that woman"--maybe the two of you could co-operate and help him instead of inducing fear in a demented old man.
It's good that he is doing better with you. Not surprising, since you have backup staff of husband and sisters. His partner could well have no one to support and help her. From experience, I can guarantee you would have NO life of your own if you were doing this without help. It's good that he is doing better with you, but try to get a bigger picture of all this, for his welfare.
I agree with others that you should not grab this opportunity for a weeklong holiday for your and your husband (IF she is up to no good, you want to guard the silver service and keep her out of your private papers) but stay in your own home, make his partner feel welcome, give them time alone together, and try to bind old wounds and do what is good for your father, by offering kindness to his partner, who, I can promise you, has her own problems and worries now that her life w/ dad is wreckage. Is there anyone interested in what lies ahead for her? Does she wonder where she will live w/o him? Are there financial issues that terrify her? Does she have any family support? Has she spend her own finances into the basement by paying for things he has needed? A discussion about all this, in a kind, instead of angry way, might well help all of you. But don't go into this with an attitude or it will just turn nasty.
It isn't that I suspect GF of having been an intentionally useless caregiver. She can have had the best possible wishes for him and still have made a mess of it - and can't we all, I'm not getting at her, PD is extremely difficult to manage. But since there has been A Change of Management, and you're it, I'd keep to consistency on that and not hand her more to do than be a guest.
Then there's the question of respite breaks for you, of course. But I should treat that as a separate issue, to be decided.
From what you have written it sounds as though his cognition may be a lot worse than you had previously realized.
Can't begin to assess CL's motives but assume she really can't be young especially as they have been together so long.
Does dad own the house they were living in?
Someone certainly needs to be supervising medications and finances.
Agree that I would not leave the pair of them alone in the house for a week.
I would however give them some private time together. Tell them you are going to X and will be home at Y and if he needs anything you have your cell.
And keep your word so they really do have some privacy.
Remove all drugs his and your families to an out of the way locked cupboard. I would also do the same with any liquor.
When you visited did you feel CL was taking good care of their living conditions. House clean, lawn mowed etc dog poop picked up that kind of thing. Food in the fridge?
Last but most importantly make sure dad gets a full physical and psychiatric evaluation.
It is going to be a rough few weeks but I am sure this will all get sorted out.
Who has POA, is there money for an NH or caretakers ?prepare to decide and ask if wife can handle this...I visited my Dad in NH everyday after his caretaker passed and he had to be admitted only to gasp at the prices
even after some Medicaid kicked in..they only covered three mos of five
leaving me to pay for the first two...as well as taking DAds 1800 per mo.
anyway there was a Parkinsons Patient there that I got to know he was only 65 years old and simply told me his wife could not would not take
care of him in their home....he was a danger to himself, he was not happy
about it but knew his wife needed or wanted to work..so he then told me he had been advised to put his house in a trust...…...I guess so the wife would have something or NH I simply do not know but rather than
complain about wife or common law you should have a discussion as to
who is now
going to supervise or take care of Dad???If wife is overwhelmed or you are not prepared to take him or yo will take him until he becomes too incapacitated...………………..money well I dont know how to answer...you know the deal...………...assets social etc wife is protected to some extent but she needs a roof over her head...does she have money or family or a decent social?
If you feel uneasy about this lady don’t leave your dad nor your house in her hands. Personally, I would not chose the time when she is there to leave town.
Keep in mind that although it will take more effort on your part to be able to show respect for their relationship while never putting in the back burner your natural need to care for your dad, it is worth it. Your dad’s well-being comes first. Your peace of mind as a daughter also comes first. The rest can be handled with intelligence but never sacrificing what really matters.
Best of luck!
Only a few states recognize common law marriages, and each has specific stipulations as to what relationships are included:
Alabama
Colorado
District of Columbia
Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)
Oklahoma (possibly only if created before 11/1/98. Oklahoma’s laws and court decisions may be in conflict about whether common law marriages formed in that state after 11/1/98 will be recognized.)
Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah