I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
"She's doing remarkably well."
"She's sharp as a tack!"
"She's really the same old 'Mary'!"
Um, try getting her to take her meds properly. Try looking at duplicates, triplicates and quadruplicates of full meds bottles, have the horrifying realization that she's not taking ANY of her meds properly, and hasn't been for G-d knows how long, and then when you question her, she blames the drug store for sending all these pills she doesn't need.
Try telling her not to unlock and open her door in the middle of the night after she insists it's an old boyfriend or family member knocking at her door. Try getting the emergency phone call from her security system company that a burglar alarm has been set off, or worse yet, a medical alarm has been set off and EMS has been dispatched.
Try getting the hysterical phone call from several states away that her dog has gotten loose and is running down the street and she can't get him because she can barely get around even with her walker.
Try hearing from the friend that takes her to the doctor that she filled out the questionnaire before the appointment and says she hasn't been falling (lie), can pay her own bills (lie), can bathe herself (lie).
Sorry, that was a bit of a rant, wasn't it. I feel better!
center of attention and would complain about blood on the floor and expect you to clean it up.
Caregiving should not be done for people who do not appreciate it. I am not overly religious, I remain stubbornly agnostic, so I do not believe there is reward for it in afterlife. But, I do believe I can improve my husband’s quality of life as he declines. However, if there is not appreciation, balance, and needs of both are met, then the resentment will leave them with bitterness or destroy them in some ways.
sweet, kind daughters totally undeservedly abused/tortured by their mothers. (i know some sons are abused, too; and some fathers are abusive).
but this message goes out to all of you/us - daughters - abused by mothers.
here’s a useful paragraph:
“Mothers can sometimes be jealous of their child—especially their daughters—and may do things to minimize, discourage, or even undermine and/or discredit the child in the eyes of others.”
——
i wish you/us, not only to survive, but with strength of character and self-determination, thrive in spite of your mother's misdeeds.
bundle of joy :)
if by chance you happen to stumble upon some magic potion that transforms a nasty person into a nice person, pleeeeease send to:
bundle of joy
(the mailman/mailwoman will find me)
i’m patiently awaiting the package 🎁🪄💫
Sometimes when I can't sleep, will do a mindful exercise and think about what a totally boring, nothing to do, quiet couple of days would be like. Works every time : )
Stay strong and do not forget to take care of yourself, first!
I am learning though that resentment only hurts yourself. I'm on the watch all the time for when I start to feel bitter. Do whatever you need to avoid this. Meditate, if you're religious read your bible, make sure that you take time to love yourself. Sometimes the patient will just have to wait, while you give yourself a break.
it's not easy. Good luck
Family coming to help care for mother but never being around and truly attentive.
Fear of feeling hate towards mother.
Fear of feeling anger when she speaks to me. I cannot stand hearing her voice. It sets me up into rage. I always need to step away.
I hate the pressure.
Too much for one person to handle 24/7
Here is Hello Karma. I'm wishing you a peaceful Sunday, full of love and happiness! Your brothers - they'll get what they deserve, for all their unkindness towards you. No one gets away with anything, even if it seems like it.
I wish you to find a way to get a break. You deserve all the love, and more, that you are so kindly giving others.
after him. So I’ve decided now when or if she calls me, I’ll be GreyRock, no emotion outburst or mention of incidents, no anything”
this is someone who has said” I’m there for you but really she’s not. People and particularly family’s true colours come out when caregiving is on the agenda. My brother is a bit more caring but he’s in the middle of a marriage breakup, so I don’t like to burden him with too much stuff unless it’s important and he’s dads POA. So all I have is this forum.
On the up-side, I feel blessed that I still have my own wits and health such that I can do this job each day. I make it a point to care for my loved one as I would want to be cared for myself.
"Respond, don't react" is the best approach, but there are times when that is hard to do. Especially in light of the years of verbal abuse from my father. It took a long time for me to really speak up for myself and now it can't happen with husband's dementia. No, I can't explain that to him-it won't make sense to him or he'll forget or say it's no big deal.
disease...they can't help it. Try not to take it in internally. You need some TLC to offset the way you're treated by her so that you can feel good inside.
My advise.. don’t … .get the help that’s available…so you can be a daughter…
Her sister noticed lately that she's getting very hard to work with. In fact, so much worse that my SIL just randomly told me at the door of the duplex that she doesn't see how I live with her sister.
Yet, ha,ha,ha, my SIL and I both laugh to each other whenever my wife's dreadful future casting goes into, well I'm sure I'll die first and then your husband. Then, you and my husband can marry. No way, we are each too much alike.
Caregiving for a declining wife mentally and physically is burdensome.
by the way...just as an example among millions of sacrificed daughters:
as far as i know:
mozart went around enjoying playing his music: his sister (very talented as well) was discouraged/prohibited when she was older to continue with music; she should stay home, later take care of elderly parents.
please don't get sacrificed. not ANOTHER daughter.
I hate changing my husband's disgusting poop/diarrhea diapers 12 times a day, but what I hate more than anything is his sense of entitlement. My knees are giving out and I'm having my own medical and mental health challenges, but instead of considering a second caretaker to give me some relief, he has no problem screaming my name constantly even when I'm trying to sleep or work online. He does not care about my feelings or my future of being a widow in my early 40s. Just continues to be difficult, demanding, uncompliant, and expect a free ride from me, his wife, who feels 80 at 41. Edit: He's not an elderly patient with an unexpected illness; he's a 41-year old type 2 diabetic on dialysis who refuses to take care of himself and let himself go blind, unable to walk, in diapers, doing whatever he wants at anyone's expense.
I can understand feeling helpless, but I can't imagine expecting someone to just drop everything for me 24/7, even when they need attention themselves. It is a living hell that I understand too well.
Sorry, he can destroy his own life but, he can only destroy yours if you let him. Stop letting him take you down with him, you matter!
Great big warm hug!