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Having family members or friends who talk to her MAYBE once a month for 15 minutes say things like,

"She's doing remarkably well."
"She's sharp as a tack!"
"She's really the same old 'Mary'!"

Um, try getting her to take her meds properly. Try looking at duplicates, triplicates and quadruplicates of full meds bottles, have the horrifying realization that she's not taking ANY of her meds properly, and hasn't been for G-d knows how long, and then when you question her, she blames the drug store for sending all these pills she doesn't need.

Try telling her not to unlock and open her door in the middle of the night after she insists it's an old boyfriend or family member knocking at her door. Try getting the emergency phone call from her security system company that a burglar alarm has been set off, or worse yet, a medical alarm has been set off and EMS has been dispatched.

Try getting the hysterical phone call from several states away that her dog has gotten loose and is running down the street and she can't get him because she can barely get around even with her walker.

Try hearing from the friend that takes her to the doctor that she filled out the questionnaire before the appointment and says she hasn't been falling (lie), can pay her own bills (lie), can bathe herself (lie).

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant, wasn't it. I feel better!
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Gleoni1411 Jun 2022
You go ahead and rant. I just did the same... I truly understand what you are dealing with. Everyone in my family says he sounds great, he's doing great, he is still active at 98... I want to scream (I live with him) Are you people nuts... They are nuts they are making themselves feel better for not helping. It's just that simple,.... Good luck to you!!!
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She probably is an old battleaxe...they will continue to battle to be the
center of attention and would complain about blood on the floor and expect you to clean it up.
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What bothers me the most is reading about total disrespect many caregivers experience.
Caregiving should not be done for people who do not appreciate it. I am not overly religious, I remain stubbornly agnostic, so I do not believe there is reward for it in afterlife. But, I do believe I can improve my husband’s quality of life as he declines. However, if there is not appreciation, balance, and needs of both are met, then the resentment will leave them with bitterness or destroy them in some ways.
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what bothers me?

sweet, kind daughters totally undeservedly abused/tortured by their mothers. (i know some sons are abused, too; and some fathers are abusive).

but this message goes out to all of you/us - daughters - abused by mothers.

here’s a useful paragraph:

“Mothers can sometimes be jealous of their child—especially their daughters—and may do things to minimize, discourage, or even undermine and/or discredit the child in the eyes of others.”

——
i wish you/us, not only to survive, but with strength of character and self-determination, thrive in spite of your mother's misdeeds.

bundle of joy :)
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bundleofjoy Jun 2022
i want to add something:

if by chance you happen to stumble upon some magic potion that transforms a nasty person into a nice person, pleeeeease send to:

bundle of joy

(the mailman/mailwoman will find me)

i’m patiently awaiting the package 🎁🪄💫
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My sister who is nasty, a bully, does nothing but cause trouble. And I have to let her into my house to visit my mother when instead I want to cut off all contact FOREVER.
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Louise4 Jun 2022
I know exactly how you feel!
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I am so sorry to hear she treats you this way! It is a thankless job¡
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So rare anymore to feel rested, relaxed and not wondering what rotten thing is going to happen today.
Sometimes when I can't sleep, will do a mindful exercise and think about what a totally boring, nothing to do, quiet couple of days would be like. Works every time : )
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tygrlly1 Jun 2022
Yes...I can so relate...Im not sleeping well anymore.... I dream of bad weather so I have an excuse not to visit her and step into the vipers den. I didnt mind the pandemic lockdown ..all her groceries delivered with no drama.
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Ive been caregiver for over 27yrs.Control bothers me.If I'm hired let me do my job...Kids I can handle this..Patient I realize someday I will be in your shoes and need help but you need to allow me to show you I can take care of you.Its gonna look different but that's not bad..ughees..Sending healing love to all.and feel free to Reach out to me.
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Mine is prioritizing my elderly mom over the needs of my husband and family and vIve versa. No matter what I do, I fail someone that I love.
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notrydoyoda Jun 2022
Please stop for you may well end up all alone one day with no husband, no family and a dead mom by trying to love them all equally when you are only one person and no one has called you to die on that cross.
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One of the things I hate the most, is being judged or given patronizing 'advice' by anyone who's never..........done..........this..........a..........day..........of..........their..........life. If you've never done this, you have absolutely no idea. And I've been amazed by the true empathy I've received from those who have been there.
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Littlelove1 Jun 2022
I hear you loud and clear! Been there, done that! Everyone needs to think about how you feel. Not just themselves. Unless they have been in your situation, they don't know the huge responsibilities you have in caring for everyone. If they cannot hear or see what you do, it may be time to explain it all very clearly! All you can do is the best to your ability, without killing yourself!
Stay strong and do not forget to take care of yourself, first!
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The never-ending demands, total ingratitude and being told how that because she’s my mother, only I should be grateful to her. Nothing is ever enough.
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in my case it's my beloved husband of 46 years. I'm thinking it goes with the territory. My sympathies because it's got to be so much harder for you, especially if your MIL is not / was never one of your favorite people.
I am learning though that resentment only hurts yourself. I'm on the watch all the time for when I start to feel bitter. Do whatever you need to avoid this. Meditate, if you're religious read your bible, make sure that you take time to love yourself. Sometimes the patient will just have to wait, while you give yourself a break.
it's not easy. Good luck
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Feeling as though- am I caregiving or being overprotective?

Family coming to help care for mother but never being around and truly attentive.

Fear of feeling hate towards mother.

Fear of feeling anger when she speaks to me. I cannot stand hearing her voice. It sets me up into rage. I always need to step away.

I hate the pressure.

Too much for one person to handle 24/7
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lovingw1f3 May 2022
You shouldn't be feeling this bad. No one says that caregiving is easy but if this is emotionally where you find yourself, you do need to step away. Give yourself the love you deserve ( we all deserve it ) and find a way to relieve yourself of the situation. I sincerely hope that you will be able to find and afford the means to do this.
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My bothers don’t call my mom to me to ask how we are doing. The one’s that live in the area don’t stop by or check on her. They don’t ask if I need a break…nothing.
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hellokarma May 2022
Hi Just Retired,

Here is Hello Karma. I'm wishing you a peaceful Sunday, full of love and happiness! Your brothers - they'll get what they deserve, for all their unkindness towards you. No one gets away with anything, even if it seems like it.

I wish you to find a way to get a break. You deserve all the love, and more, that you are so kindly giving others.
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My mom & I have lived in each other’s periphery my entire life. Her mother raised me and was my mother figure. NOw I’m all she’s got and I’m doing everything in my power to make the right moves. She’s 5weeks in MC. Other than being a “runner” and being delusional we’ve enjoyed some of out time together. But there’s always some lingering resentment sprinkled with a dose of GUILT. Workin on it.
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I don’t want to turn into a bitter person. I’ve tried to remain optimistic but it has not been easy. Caregiving is a thankless job and the toughest thing I have ever had to do and this is my second round of doing it. Also I want to protect my health and sanity and it’s hard to do it under the circumstances.
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lovingw1f3 May 2022
I totally agree with you you Lynn64.
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My siblings!
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angryannie Jun 2022
Yep I’m right with you. Just an example. Whenever I tell my sister about any incident regarding our Dad, as he lives with us, she listens, and patronises me then I don’t hear from her for ages. She’s goes into hiding. It’s like “ oh well, your problem not mine, ThankGod I dodged that bullet” meaning I don’t have to look
after him. So I’ve decided now when or if she calls me, I’ll be GreyRock, no emotion outburst or mention of incidents, no anything”
this is someone who has said” I’m there for you but really she’s not. People and particularly family’s true colours come out when caregiving is on the agenda. My brother is a bit more caring but he’s in the middle of a marriage breakup, so I don’t like to burden him with too much stuff unless it’s important and he’s dads POA. So all I have is this forum.
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The one thing that bothers me most about caregiving is knowing this could be me in a few years. Yes it's hard to face your own future when you are dealing with it every day.

On the up-side, I feel blessed that I still have my own wits and health such that I can do this job each day. I make it a point to care for my loved one as I would want to be cared for myself.
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Feeling bullied into enabling the behavior of siblings, who have in no uncertain terms, chosen to balk at any responsibility beyond evaluating how I do their share. This bullying comes from the siblings themselves, articles directed at caregivers, and society in general, which is made up of more balking siblings, than caregiver siblings.
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VickieTea May 2022
Not everyone can do this job. Not everyone wants to do this job. Not everyone has to do this job. I know it's hard when you don't have enough support from your siblings at the level you expect them to contribute to the job. It's best to step back and look at the task of caring and breaking it down into components. Shopping, cleaning, taking them to the doctors, watching them during what times, etc. Then ask them, your siblings, what task they would like to take on and for those tasks that they don't want to help cover add a costs to it, such as taking Mom to the doctors will cost $140.00 for the medial transportation. House keeping is $25.00 an hour etc. and then. work up the hours and break down the dollars between each sibling and see what happens.
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Inconsistency of the person's mood, behavior, verbal praise or attacks which all change very quickly. In the morning I was a horrible caregiver-hour later in the doctor's exam room I was the best, smartest person. Husband seemed to have meant every word/observation each time.
"Respond, don't react" is the best approach, but there are times when that is hard to do. Especially in light of the years of verbal abuse from my father. It took a long time for me to really speak up for myself and now it can't happen with husband's dementia. No, I can't explain that to him-it won't make sense to him or he'll forget or say it's no big deal.
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I know you meant what you said seriously, but you do still have a sense of humor because the way you expressed yourself made me laugh. You have my sense of humor. You can't expect too much from a person with Alzheimers...it's a mental
disease...they can't help it. Try not to take it in internally. You need some TLC to offset the way you're treated by her so that you can feel good inside.
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Becoming a caregiver instead of a daughter. Now that my mom has passed , I look back , and wonder how I slipped into that role.

My advise.. don’t … .get the help that’s available…so you can be a daughter…
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CarlaCB May 2022
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Killing yourself to do the right thing and no matter what you do someone criticizing while they themselves are not being helpful.
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Loosing my youth… (starting out from a young age… not knowing what was slowly to come after years of caring… trying to ‘help’ caregiving… then gradually, disrespected, mocked, degraded, ignored… not ‘valued’, included or appreciated… being scapegoated by a self-centered, narcissistic family).
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The unneeded anxiety and forboding dark future casting as I'm about to move to retirement income in July which has already meant moving to retirement insurance for both of us. She's heard from our financial advisor how solid my retirement money is and she has an incredible trust fund from her mom which will only stop when she dies. And yet instead of resting in the good, she randomly decides on that very day to unload all of her fearful future castings to our oldest son and me over the meal we were enjoying while eating out at a nice place. We have our wills, our medical POA and living will prepared. We are going to get our Durable POA soon. Our youngest son will be my Durable POA not her. She does have some mild cognitive dissonance.

Her sister noticed lately that she's getting very hard to work with. In fact, so much worse that my SIL just randomly told me at the door of the duplex that she doesn't see how I live with her sister.

Yet, ha,ha,ha, my SIL and I both laugh to each other whenever my wife's dreadful future casting goes into, well I'm sure I'll die first and then your husband. Then, you and my husband can marry. No way, we are each too much alike.

Caregiving for a declining wife mentally and physically is burdensome.
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notrydoyoda May 2022
Today is my 65th birthday. My SIL sent me the most awesome card, as usual, and thanked me for being such a great BIL. I try. However, I don't feel happy. I hope that my wife does not create drama today.
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repeat got copied too.
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i feel like a big ole chump that got stuck in this position in the first place. i see everyone else in the family carrying on with their own lives smiling never having to tend to their own mom. everyone else was just more important than me to not have to help out
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bundleofjoy May 2022
totally understand you. hug!! i hope things change for you! you must not get sacrificed. not 1 MORE daughter sacrificed.

by the way...just as an example among millions of sacrificed daughters:

as far as i know:
mozart went around enjoying playing his music: his sister (very talented as well) was discouraged/prohibited when she was older to continue with music; she should stay home, later take care of elderly parents.

please don't get sacrificed. not ANOTHER daughter.
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I worry about the future progression with my husbands dementia. Will he one day forget who I am? What does the future hold? This is what I struggle with. I try to live one day at a time, but I struggle and worry.
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I agree. Until recently, my father would have walked over my unconscious body. Lately, for whatever reason, he has been saying thank you. But I really hear you. I hope to god that if I do end up depending on other people, I respect them and the work they do to make my life better.
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It's the same for me! I feel you!

I hate changing my husband's disgusting poop/diarrhea diapers 12 times a day, but what I hate more than anything is his sense of entitlement. My knees are giving out and I'm having my own medical and mental health challenges, but instead of considering a second caretaker to give me some relief, he has no problem screaming my name constantly even when I'm trying to sleep or work online. He does not care about my feelings or my future of being a widow in my early 40s. Just continues to be difficult, demanding, uncompliant, and expect a free ride from me, his wife, who feels 80 at 41. Edit: He's not an elderly patient with an unexpected illness; he's a 41-year old type 2 diabetic on dialysis who refuses to take care of himself and let himself go blind, unable to walk, in diapers, doing whatever he wants at anyone's expense.

I can understand feeling helpless, but I can't imagine expecting someone to just drop everything for me 24/7, even when they need attention themselves. It is a living hell that I understand too well.
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Isthisrealyreal May 2022
Sounds like it is time for a facility for your husband. He should have no trouble qualifying for a nursing home.

Sorry, he can destroy his own life but, he can only destroy yours if you let him. Stop letting him take you down with him, you matter!

Great big warm hug!
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