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Firstly, your phrasing sounds like quiet anger / frustration. Equating an adult male to a child 'toilet training' sounds extremely derogatory to me. You may not have intended it to sound like this. Certainly, I understand your frustration.
I recommend disposal underwear. And I never refer to them as 'diapers.' They are for adults and they are disposal underwear.
* It is important that you understand how the stroke affected your spouse in terms of his mental / cognitive abilities. When the brain chemistry changes, 'training' or re-directing / directing is not always possible. - It is important to understand what he can do and emphasize these areas (so he feels better, encouraged - as he is certainly frustrated, too (if not also embarrassed).
* Speak to medical professionals - social worker, rehab (ask for referrals), join a support group. * Try to deal with your own emotions with others and not take it out on him. I am not saying that you are, however, it would support both of you if you can get the support (emotional / psychological) you need, to support him.
* And get caregiver(s) or help as you need it. Don't try to manage this all by yourself (if you can afford 2 hours a week, several times a week - do what is needed to keep yourself as together as you can.
* Google stroke and abilities or words like that and see what comes up. Use the word of the type of stroke he had in your search.
That's going to be a tough one, as once someone becomes incontinent it seldom if ever gets better but only worse. There are a multitude of medications out there to try and help with bladder spasms but they don't always work as in the case of my late husband who was severely incontinent after developing vascular dementia. He too had had a massive stroke at the age of 48, but thankfully didn't become incontinent until he was around 68. His urologist also tried putting Botox in his bladder as that has been shown to help with incontinence, but it didn't help my husband. As a last resort his urologist put in a supra pubic catheter(permanent)which for us was a Godsend, at it allowed us both to sleep through the night(verses getting up every hour on the hour to pee as I had to help him)and I only had to empty his catheter bag twice a day. It's hard any way you slice it. The one who will need to be "toilet trained" is you, as you're the one who will be helping change his diapers and cleaning him up, holding the plastic urinal for him if need be, getting him to the bathroom in time and the like. I do hope you think long and hard before you bring him home, and if you do you have plenty of help lined up to assist you in his care. Wishing you both the very best.
The realistic option might be to toilet on a schedule in the hope that you/he will be successful at least some of the time. So for example - into the bathroom when he gets up, before and after meals, and as often in between as works for you. He has to be willing to sit long enough for something to happen, perhaps if you place him on the commode while you help him shave, wash up and get dressed after breakfast you might be lucky enough to establish a successful routine.
Looks like this is your first post. You may need to keep your partner where they are. I say this because you do not mention how much damage the stroke caused. If he is a two person assist, I would not even attempt to bring him home.
I have an idea that this is your problem, the board and care will no longer care for him because its a 2 person assist. So how do you think you can? May be time to place ur partner in Long-term care. If paying for it is a problem, then apply for Medicaid.
We have a friend of the family who had a stroke last year. He too became incontinent. Or, so it appeared. He is 84 years old. Initially, the stroke left him unable to do anything. He has partly recovered from the stroke with the help of physical therapy in the Nursing Home, and is now able to wheel his chair in the bathroom and go without assistance. He can also eat without help. He remains partly paralyzed on one side, is not able to speak in sentences, or read. He has a very difficult time understanding during conversations. He is not expected to recover to any additional extent. His family has been very surprised at how well he is doing. I hope that your husband can get to a better level of mobility as well. There is a lot of really good advice posted for you on this site. I know that you are speaking candidly because this new situation is very challenging. I would not bring your husband home if you can not physically care for him. If you do bring him home, you will need about 10-12 thousand dollars a month for his care full time, and to know how to manage his care when the caregivers can’t make it. I would reach out to your family doctor for guidance and to get training on how to care for him and to deal with the helplessness you will both feel. Calling Hospice for guidance might be a good idea. It all depends on if he improves enough on his own. Good luck!
Please ask his doctor for a referral to a physical therapist that deals with urinary incontinence. I imagine that one could also help with bowel incontinence issues as well. In the meantime, offer the urinal/toilet every 2-3 hours while he is awake. Use heavy duty (overnight) incontinence diapers/briefs for sleep. An absorbent "doggy" pad under his hips and bottom could help catch any overflow issues.
There is a very good possibility that "training" him will not be possible depending on what portion of the brain has been effected. Have you talked to a Physical Therapist to determine what help he will need before you bring him home? I also suggest that you have a PT come to your house to let you know what modifications will be necessary to make it safe for your husband to return home. (and if any modifications are needed have them done PRIOR to bringing him home) And if any equipment is necessary to care for him safely get that prior to bringing him home. When I say care for him safely that is not just his safety but yours as well. You can not afford to get hurt while caring for him or there will be 2 that need caregivers.
Incontinence is not something you can 'toilet train' and 'fix', and certainly not as a stroke survivor! You have to use adult incontinence briefs with dh and accompany him to the bathroom every 2 hours to see if he needs to void, then clean him up if necessary. Don't think he has the capability to change this situation but that he's being difficult. Not everything is fixable as we age and disease sets in. If you find yourself unable to meet the demands of his daily care, look into Assisted Living Facilities in your area.
You really cannot toilet train an adult in the way you can a baby. I am uncertain really what you are thinking, or what you have been told you can expect in improvement. I would suggest you and your husband attend an appointment with his MD and ask about this question. For some people dealing with a new colostomy and etc. there are things taught to help them have, say, a daily morning BM. But for the bladder, I cannot see any progress being made. Your MD will have perhaps the best information or the best referral for your question. I wish you luck.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I recommend disposal underwear. And I never refer to them as 'diapers.' They are for adults and they are disposal underwear.
* It is important that you understand how the stroke affected your spouse in terms of his mental / cognitive abilities. When the brain chemistry changes, 'training' or re-directing / directing is not always possible.
- It is important to understand what he can do and emphasize these areas (so he feels better, encouraged - as he is certainly frustrated, too (if not also embarrassed).
* Speak to medical professionals - social worker, rehab (ask for referrals), join a support group.
* Try to deal with your own emotions with others and not take it out on him. I am not saying that you are, however, it would support both of you if you can get the support (emotional / psychological) you need, to support him.
* And get caregiver(s) or help as you need it. Don't try to manage this all by yourself (if you can afford 2 hours a week, several times a week - do what is needed to keep yourself as together as you can.
* Google stroke and abilities or words like that and see what comes up. Use the word of the type of stroke he had in your search.
Gena / Touch Matters
There are a multitude of medications out there to try and help with bladder spasms but they don't always work as in the case of my late husband who was severely incontinent after developing vascular dementia. He too had had a massive stroke at the age of 48, but thankfully didn't become incontinent until he was around 68.
His urologist also tried putting Botox in his bladder as that has been shown to help with incontinence, but it didn't help my husband.
As a last resort his urologist put in a supra pubic catheter(permanent)which for us was a Godsend, at it allowed us both to sleep through the night(verses getting up every hour on the hour to pee as I had to help him)and I only had to empty his catheter bag twice a day.
It's hard any way you slice it. The one who will need to be "toilet trained" is you, as you're the one who will be helping change his diapers and cleaning him up, holding the plastic urinal for him if need be, getting him to the bathroom in time and the like.
I do hope you think long and hard before you bring him home, and if you do you have plenty of help lined up to assist you in his care.
Wishing you both the very best.
Has he had occupational therapy? Did he go to rehab following hospitalization?
Have you asked his doctor or therapists if this is even possible?
If you cannot manage his care you should not bring him home. Ask about nursing home placement.
I have an idea that this is your problem, the board and care will no longer care for him because its a 2 person assist. So how do you think you can? May be time to place ur partner in Long-term care. If paying for it is a problem, then apply for Medicaid.
Have you talked to a Physical Therapist to determine what help he will need before you bring him home?
I also suggest that you have a PT come to your house to let you know what modifications will be necessary to make it safe for your husband to return home. (and if any modifications are needed have them done PRIOR to bringing him home) And if any equipment is necessary to care for him safely get that prior to bringing him home. When I say care for him safely that is not just his safety but yours as well. You can not afford to get hurt while caring for him or there will be 2 that need caregivers.
Best of luck
I would suggest you and your husband attend an appointment with his MD and ask about this question. For some people dealing with a new colostomy and etc. there are things taught to help them have, say, a daily morning BM. But for the bladder, I cannot see any progress being made. Your MD will have perhaps the best information or the best referral for your question.
I wish you luck.
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