Mom has been in SNF for just over two weeks now.
She used to live with me - has for the past three years. Between four ER visits, a stroke in January, a host of other health problems, and now a suspected fall that has left her with limited mobility, she is receiving in-patient rehab largely at my insistence, as she originally just wanted to come back to my house despite being confined to a wheelchair. She is not keen to accept reality, and insists she is "fine" and "can take care of herself".
Fast forward to last night. We had a family caregiver meeting last week, with the social worker, nurse, physical therapist, etc., and started the "journey" towards her ultimate transition to AL. She wasn't overjoyed initially, but by the end of the meeting, seemed to be warming to the idea, albeit slowly. When my brother visited her a few days later, he reported back to me that she was "smiling and talking about the AL places she wanted to visit". Things seemed positive overall.
Last night, I "checked her out" of the facility to take her to dinner (which is permitted). Things were pleasant. We sat down, ordered dinner, and then she said she is "being kicked out in five days". She then further claims she "does not qualify for skilled nursing or assisted living", because she is "perfectly capable of taking care of herself".
I think she is confusing the end of the Medicare fully covered 21 day period. Just for medication management alone, she definitely qualifies for AL, if not more.
But ... it went south from there. By the end of my meal - which I spent mostly protecting the boundary that she cannot come back to my house because she would be unsafe - she had accused me of ruining her life, making her homeless, destroying her financial plans, etc. etc. She said a flurry of other hateful things, essentially keen to cast me as the "bad guy" enough that she would win leverage over me to take back control of the situation.
The good news is, I stood my ground. I didn't falter. I took her back to the SNF, got her back to her room, gave her a hug and left.
Now, I'm no stranger to tongue lashings from her. But, I am human still, and so, so far from perfect.
I plan to contact the social worker/case worker today - who by the way was the one person at the SNF my mom said she "cannot stand". Odd, since she is a soft spoken and very kind person, from what I observed - on top of having one of the toughest jobs there is, I believe.
Just seeking a little reassurance from my "cheering section", which is how I think of all of you. Reassurance that they are not going to "boot her out" in five days, that is not something that they would do. And, well ... that I'm not the bad guy. Intellectually I know I am not, but, my emotional side took a pretty good beating last night.
Sigh. Thank you for propping me up, again and again.
So - to answer the car question; she has her car. I handed the keys to the nursing staff at the SNF where she was staying, back in May, and they then were the ones to give them to her when she "signed herself out" against medical advice.
Her driver's license has been suspended. I reported her to DMV, and they suspended her license. She still drives, however, as far as I am aware.
Or, at least she did ... six days into living in her new apartment, she fell on her face and gave herself a pretty good black eye. Instead of calling either 911 directly, or me, she called my brother - who at the time was on Day 3 of an active COVID infection (highly symptomatic and definitely contagious). While he at least called 911 to go and get her, my brother decided it was somehow okay to drive her home when she was discharged (I didn't find out about the COVID until after the fact).
So ... guess who has COVID now?!?! Yep. My mother.
I guess she was so unwilling to connect with me, and risk the mirror I might hold up, that she was willing to knowingly expose herself to COVID - despite her numerous co-morbidities.
Of course, the entire scenario, and its many byproducts - she has blamed all squarely upon me.
I have been shaking my head so much, I think I might need acupuncture.
She has to blame her "poor me" circumstances on someone. She doesn't want to admit to herself that she might be responsible for her poor choices. That is a normal reaction for people like her. For you, treat it like a game. Look at her with a sad face (puppy dog eyes) and say "Bummer to be you." (Phrase taken from the parenting class, Love & Logic)
My Mom had COVID at 99 years and 10 months. She was vaccinated and single booster. The MC moved her to isolation, where she got to enjoy the services of having nearly personalized service. (1 nurse, 3 patients). She loved it. In addition, she was blessed with "easy" COVID so she never had any of the horrible symptoms of being sick. She had a slight fever, tested positive for 10 days and never understood all the protocols for isolation or why everyone was making a big deal about it. I hope your Mom has easy COVID too.
As for you, keep those boundaries reinforced. Some day, when you are least likely to expect it, you will be able to use her actions as a reason why you will not participate in her shenanigans.
You are doing good. Keep up the good work.
He had a truly golden opportunity, I think, to get her living situation looked at.
They really deserve each other.
One of the recent texts from my brother read, "maybe it would be good for her to consider assisted living" ... like, um, where the **** has he been all these months, to include when she blacked out from her skyrocketed blood pressure, broke her foot, etc. etc.? He was there with me when we visited assisted living places back in May!!! Good grief.
That's the upshot; my mother controls him, and he doesn't push back on anything.
That pattern may break someday, but, I fear that's a ways away yet. Until then, however, the distance from the situation - physical as well as mental/emotional - has been truly liberating for me.
What would you have said if she had called you and said your brother had covid and couldn't drive her home. Surely you wouldn't have gone and gotten her, right?
Hope everyone here is doing well!
Nothing groundbreaking to report ... my mother is still in her studio apartment. She's been to the hospital twice and also suffered through COVID since she moved in, not quite two months ago. I don't hear much, since she isn't speaking to me, and getting information out of my brother is an exercise in futility.
I did reach out to her via text and asked if she was interested in doing something to celebrate her birthday, which is in a few weeks - she replied "no thanks".
So, there you have it. I'm sad about it in some respects, but, I am much more at peace these days over what I can control, and what I cannot.
Onward! <3