My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Guess it happens often. Yesterday was just "One of those Days" all day and into the night. I applaud you for being brave and seeking help from the counselor. It is best to tell them as much as you know of what is going on with you...even suicide thoughts...also that you wouldn't cause you have a child. The rubber band thing is a good idea. Taking classes is good, taking off once a week is good (that is what I do). I agree with you about cooking for your parents. Marylynne, hope you don't take this negatively. But, it is not only your mother's fault that you are feeling like this...it is your fault too. If there is to be blame that is...We need to learn how to take better care of ourselves and set our boundaries because it is not just with our parents that we have this problem it resonates in every relationship we have and all people we are in contact with especially those close to us. Really glad you are reaching out to someone who can hopefully help.
BTW welcome and thank you for sharing your story and thoughts. Yes, it is easiest if you never bring your parents into your home especially if they are negative etc. In my case I kept her out as long as I could then I jumped in and decided to take her in full knowing how she can be. It is very tough. We have had our share of arguments the last one being the biggest. But, I have to tell you I feel like I am doing right by her and my best for her. I am truly giving of myself big time and being loving. Not that I don't detest her, resent sometimes can't stand and want to be free...I do. But all in all she hears me now sometimes. She sees what she does when she hurts me and for her that is growth. Only YOU know what you can do can take etc. Only You know in your heart if what you are doing is the right thing and the best thing that YOU can do. We are here to talk candidly about our feelings, and our struggles.
Judy, big hugs to you and your family. I know sometimes the mother's can seem and maybe are such hypocrites. But on some level I really do believe your mother is sad. I know it is in kind of a sick way...I know my mother will be that way too. But when you are together for 47 years it counts for a little something even if the only way you knew to be with them was unhealthy. Put it this way you know for sure she will no longer have Dad to yell at and she will miss that...and then ultimately him. Can't believe about the money spending restriction but then again you know how self centered our mother's can be. Mine probably will do something similar. May your beloved father rest in peace and may the memories carry you throughout life. Know that you were the best thing that was there for him in his hours of need. Rest assure with that knowledge of your gift of love to him.
Donna, hope you are doing alright dear.
Miak, Maria, Austin...thinking bout you too. Many times all we can do is take a minute at a time huh? There is some prayer about a minute someday I will find it and share it with you. On a parting note. I saw my counselor earlier this week. Hadn't seen her cause she had broken her wrist and hip but was advised to see her cause of this upcoming surgery. She is teaching me affirming what and how we want things to be despite the fact that they are not that way. The more we affirm the positive the more positive comes to us. The more we affirm the negative well negativity will come to us. This just might be a strong positive tool especially for us. Today will be a Mother day. Opthalmologist, dermatologist, and Green Thumb the local nursery. Maybe lunch too..hope she treats! Hehe...
Have hubby's car cause my car needs work on it. Sister and Dad will come with us as I take her around. Concerned about my daughter, Jenna cause she told me last night that she feels the effects of my son's death and it has made her more critical of people and feeling isolated. She is going to seek counseling. She didn't want to tell me what was going on with her cause she said I have too much on my plate already. I told her I only have one child alive and I want to know what is going on with her. It pains me to know that she is struggling that way. Funny, three years since his passing and this year is when we have seen the repercussions of his passing. My sister having an emotional/mental breakdown, his girlfriend and mother of my grandkids trying to take her life two times and breaking down...and now my daughter confiding that she doesn't make friends (except with two boys) because she cant relate to the superificialness of girls her age. She longs to be with people of heart. But at that age hard to find cause they themselves are still finding themselves in this world...heck I am still finding my place here!!! It is continuous. I am concerned about her...husband feels she will be alright. I hope he is right. Hate to see the mistakes I made in child rearing and the craziness of the family I grew up with affecting her...but I think it is. I tried to not carry on the chaos and craziness to affect her...but ...
Anyways I am rambling on...didn't sleep well..it's about 6 am here
Sending out Love to all of you.
Cindi
Have a fun and safe time!!!!!!!!!
Hugs
Cindi
Cindi-- I so agree with what you said about how you are the only one who can decide what is the right thing to do in a situation like taking a parent in to live with you. You are the only who knows what your limits are. Everyone has different experiences-- how they were brought up, what there relationship with their parents was/is now.
When I was nine, my mother's father came to live with us for a short time before he died of cancer. Although it was never explicitly stated to me and my sister that children were to take in their parents when they became too old and feeble to care for themselves, I know that's what my mother thinks. So, I guess you could say I was raised to think that, although it was not outright stated.
Another thing in play here, though, I think, is the relationship you have, or had with your parents, and also if you are an only child. I think the only child status does make a difference in how you see your duty. A friend of mine is an only child who lost her mother when she was a teenager. Her dad, now in his seventies, recently had a stroke. My friend and her husband moved her father in with them. He lived on the West Coast and she lives on the East. They even built a "father suite" onto their house to accommodate him. When he did move in, her relationship changed, because he changed. She had always seen him as the strong one-- now he was weak. Because he didn't feel well, he was obstinate, grumpy, difficult to deal with. Still, her sense of duty to him was overwhelming, although he frequently put her at wit's end. "Who else was there to be there for him?" she said.
As I said in my previous post, I was never very close to my parents. I always wished I had the kind of close family that was affectionate and warm, but my parents were the opposite. They were good to me and my sister, but there was never much warmth or affection. "Children should be seen and not heard" kind of parents, who sat silent at the dinner table and never asked about what kind of day you had, or what might be going on in kidworld. :) It's hard to create or forge a bond later in life when they need you, if the bond wasn't there growing up.
Oh my god, you said it best. I took full responsibility for the way I feel. I know my mother is a constant problem, but it is because I never ever set boundaries for myself. I have never set boundaries with any one in my life. So it is me who has to change and unfortunately for them, I want a complete change. It may take years to do it, but like Austin, I want to try to be different.
I have never blamed this on any one else, but me.... My mother and father is just too much for me to handle any more and I would die before I would hurt their feelings and that is the problem. I don't know if I could live with myself either way, and thats what I need to figure out.
Having a bad day already. Hubby left to go to Nascar races. He never cares whether I am falling apart or not. If its about having fun he is there.
Feeling deserted, and stupid.
Love,
Marylynne
Welcome Dani, I like the advice my situation was when you want to help the parent that you are closest too its a package deal you get mom too. Dad had the health problems first. I have done a great job at ignoring what she says and it works, her words just seem to fall apart because I don't play the game.
Took her to the heart doctor today he said she looks better then the last time and still balled her out for not walking regularly. She just wants to keep taking pills and not have surgery.
thanks again for all your heartfelt messages I am doing alot better then I expected but time will tell, oxoxox Judy
You are not stupid, just having a bad day
You are not stupid, just having a bad day & beating up on yourself a bit. You are a warm and caring person who puts others before yourself. There are not many of your kind in this world. :)
Have you ever heard the "well" analogy? We all have a well full of our emotions. If you are the type of person who lets people take from you, and take from you, and they can't or won't give anything back, you may go to the well one day and it's empty. As others have said on this blog, you have to set boundaries. This keeps your well from going dry. As Cindi put it, we all have limits as to what we can do. You have worth, and that worth should be preserved. If you've done all you can do for your parents, but you've reached your limit, it's time to take a different path-- one that will protect yourself. Otherwise, the well runs dry and you're no good to anyone, including your parents. I think what would be a greater harm to your parents is not allowing yourself to be you, a human being that has her limits. If your parents were younger, weren't sick, and could give you rational advice, I bet they would want the best for you. Not trying to preach here. Much luv, Dani
Judy, glad that u are doing ok but don't be surprised if it hits u later.
Cindi, glad that u too are doing ok and glad that your daughter told u her feelings. That is a good step.
Sha, have a wonderful time!
Marylynne, here's hoping that the counselor will help you.
Maria
I think it's okay to be a softee. I mean, I wouldn't want to be known as a hardee, lol, but some might consider me so. I do think that being kind is important to one's self-image. I think most people want to think of themselves as a kind person, not a meanie. Who wants to be a meanie? I bet if you asked the meanies if they thought they were mean, they would say "No way."
But I do think if you cave often, and don't set your limits, you become a doormat, or a punching bag, that some take advantage of. I don't think most people in this world are kind. I think that most people are out for themselves, and are greedy, and want whatever they can get out of life at the expense of kind people like you. Sorry if this sounds cynical. I guess I am a cynic. Too many negative experiences with people. There was one point in my life where I practically gave up on humanity, but some very kind people (like you) restored my faith. :) Still, I am not a trusting person. Some might consider me a hardnose, but I don't think so. I think of myself as more of a realist. I do try to give people a chance before I judge them, though. Much luv, Dani~
a couple of days ago, i started a list of negative things my mother said and of positive things she said. I gave up after 3 pages of negativity, and only two entries on the positive side, both of them concerning my nephew and my sister in law. she is constantly telling me what my son is doing wrong and that i should make him behave. (the man is 42, i cannot control an adult) today, he was drinking, not my idea of a great thing either, but, what can anyone do to stop someone who is hell bent on self destruction? anyway, she tattled to me all day long on and on and on. if she were another kid tattling, i would sooner or later lose my temper and bust their asses, but, with a mean old woman, what do you do? i did lose it this afternoon, and told her i was tired of the tattling and whining and i didnt want to hear anymore. i went out into the garage to put away some things that didnt sell. when i did this, she told my bf that he needed to do something with ME? i am at the end of my rope and i think it is raveling quickly. lots of good advice dani, but, too late for me. i cant put her in an assisted living place now, she is too nutty. i have to put up with her for financial reasons. If i had known a few years ago what i know now, i would have ran screaming backwards, because unlike marylynne, i am one of those selfish people you talk about, and i want things for me me me!!!! i want freedom of this old witch. but unfortunately, every morning she wakes up. i am now thinking that there will never be a day the rest of my existence (notice i didnt say life, as i dont have one) that i wont have to put up with her. my only hope is that i can ignore her enough to get by. cindi, thinking of u hope the daughter can find comfort in what the counselor says. Marylynne, hang in there, we still gonna run away soon. judy, sounds like you are doing better, glad to hear it. My two sweet marias, miss you both sha, hope the trip is great. think of all of us. love to all, Donna
Marylynne, good for you that you want change for you. And, you are right too bad for them. It can feel like you are alone and husband doesn't care when he goes off and has fun and you can't.
Judy, you are doing fine just as you are. You have set your boundaries when needed. You can't help it that you are a kind person. It's a good thing we just need to make sure we aren't doing it over ourselves.
Maria about my daughter yes, it is a good thing and a first step. I think she has a good head on her shoulders and will be okay. She just has some issues that need to be addressed as many of us do...throughout life actually. But, as a mom we are concerned when we see them struggling with anything.
Austen, Miak, Sha thinking about you all. Hoping Sha is having a good time for all of us!
Hugs
Cindi
Dani, u sound like me. I have always said that I am a bitch and proud of it. Like Judy, I wouldn't say anything after getting hurt. Not anymore. I felt dumb being nice to someone who had hurt me personally but when it comes to my parents or kids, I would speak up. So why couldn't I do it for myself? Now the only friends I have are the ones who know me very good and if other people don't care for me, I am better off without them. By the way, I am not saying that you are a bitch, lol.
Cindy, as parents we will always worry about our kids. We wish we could wrap them up in our arms and never let go. Unfortunally, we can't do that. We have to let them go and live their own lives. That doesn't mean that we won't be there for them when they need us. I thought I was done worrying so much about my children but now it is my grandchildren I worry about. That is the cycle of love I guess.
Everyone have a great day. I hope mine is great since Cowboys are playing today! Win or lose, they are still my team! None of u would like to be with me watching them, I scream too much, lol.
Luv u guys, Maria
I scream alot too when watching a favorite team! Go Dodgers!
Today we are all going out. Husband driving...mom, dad, me and sister to Los Angeles Chinatown where we will have dimsum (favorite thing to eat there) and do some shopping (mom is) maybe for the upcoming holidays.
Tonight she is suppose to go to the Indian Gaming Casino an hour away with brother. Hopefully she can have enough energy for both. She loves to play lotto and slot machines! That is her one happiness. She wants to win big so she can have a house again with servants! laughing...cause she is gonna need to hire servants for what I do...(unpaid servant here)...Should be a nice day I think for us all.
Love to all and enjoy your Sunday.
Cindi
Donna garage sale had one of those earlier this year did pretty good. As for mom let it fly right over your head.
Cindi hope you enjoyed your time out.Maria, GO COWBOYS! haven't watched a game in a long time but they have always been me and my husband's favorite team. To Dani, Austin, Sha, and Marylynne hope you have had a great day ! oxoxoxo Judy
It is so weird when there are no recent postings here. I thought I would break the no posting trend. Even if I don't write I do read like a few have said here and I feel kinda lonely when nothing is here...(ha ha)...
I started my six week food program based on a curves diet yesterday. I survived one day! Today my mother is making some delicious chinese soup that I love and I am dying here. I have only six weeks before surgery so I MUST lose this weight! My gf Diane is also going on it so it helps. Today for the first time in so long I actually walked a mile and a half! I am jazzed and proud of myself. I did have to sit down once for a few minutes. Did the walk with Diane who is my curves routine workout friend. She walks all the time and was shocked when I called her at 6:30 am and said wanna walk?
Today Dad has an appt for an EEG with the neurologist. He had his swallow study done and it was negative. He can swallow fine...a bit delayed but fine. It was done cause the doctor wondered if dad had problems with it because of all clearing of his throat and grunting after meals. A chest xray was done will find out results today. I kind of think that the eeg might not be necessary. Will be there for over an hour. Mom just walked in and said I could have some of the soup...I said I can't! Food program is very strict and the first week is the time when you lose the most weight!
Have a beautiful day...
Hugs
Cindi
so glad that you are pumped up. Keep that pump going.
I, on the other hand, am just trying to figure out, how do I tell the parents I love that I do not want to be around them any more at all. I want to wake up and do what I want to do and not what has to be done for some one else. Yesterday it was the physical therapist, today the nurse. The odd thing, you know that back pain my mom has every day, she don't have it when something else is going on here.
All mind over matter. Its truly her, I can't stand and I really can't stand him either. Counselor, tomorrow.
I think I need a break from everyone and every thing.
Love,
Marylynne
Marylynne,
Forgive me if I give too much advice. It's one of my weaknesses, giving unsolicited advice. :) So it's okay if you tell me to shut up and sit down, and that I don't know what I'm talking about. I won't be offended, really.
It sounds to me like you definitely, definitely need a break from your parents, who have pushed you to the brink. I hope your counselor can help you find some middle ground. If there is a way to work out a few days away from your parents, take it. You need to step back from your problem (your parents) so you can see them in a different way, and find a compromise. I think if you do this, you might be able to be around them some of the time, just not all of the time. You can't let them destroy your life, though.
I know my mom pretty well, but I also know my limits. I would be 100% certifiable if I moved her in with me. Not only would I wind up in the asylum, divorce would be imminent. I am being perfectly serious. And she would not like living with me any better than I would with her. We have nothing in common except that she happens to me by mother. A few examples-- I'm a realist tending toward optimism. She not only sees the glass as "half empty," she's looking to break it. She's a right wing conservative, politically, and I'm a moderate to left wing liberal. Our religious beliefs are different. And, I'm very tolerant of different lifestyles, cultures, religions, etc, but she is not. Heck, we don't even like the same foods. Her taste is very bland. I like spicy Mexican and Oriental cuisine. I could go on and on, but you get the picture-- her moving in with me would be the end of both of us.
You are doing the right thing seeking professional help. Also, please don't put a "guilt trip" on yourself for the way you feel about your parents right now. As a person who is looking at your situation objectively, I'm telling you, you aren't thinking clearly right now. They have driven you to the brink, and you can no longer be objective. Find a way, with the help of your counselor, to step away for awhile, so you can put things in a new, clear light. Much luv, Dani~
One person I have come to trust is myself. Not always, but "when the going gets tough, I get going" kind of attitude.
When my husband was in the hospital-- 21 days in intensive care, and another two weeks afterwards, when he almost died like four times, from waiting for the surgery, from having the surgery (5-hour brain surgery) from the subsequent post surgical hazards of the condition of a brain aneurysm, & from a staph infection that threatened his life again, I felt as though someone had siphoned all the life out of me, and left me to die. Here was my best friend in the universe on death's door, and very little support I had. I won't go into details, but not a lot of anyone came to my assistance. I had to go it alone. But I found a strength within I didin't know I had. Maybe it came from God, then maybe it did not, I don't know.
So, while I don't have my mom living with me like some of you do, I do know the isolation that comes from confronting a dire situation, a life-threatening situation, and feeling like no one, even God, is listening.
No man is an island. I know that. But you can rise up to a level you probably didn't think you were capable of, if you only believe in yourself. And don't forget God. I think he is listening-- at least sometimes, maybe. Much luv, Dani~
I take all advice. It can never hurt. And I appreciate all your thoughts for me. I feel so comforted here.
Donna, I too, feel the closest to you in all ways. Even though you don't have a sick dad living with you, its your mom who is the real problem. I met an old friend tonite and talked with her about an hour, only to find out, that she said I never had any friends because of my mom. It was very hard for me to explain to her that years ago, my mom was my best friend and now I hate her. I think that it's hard for me to understand the feelings I have for her now. It is also hard to hear what other people always thought of you when you have been a caregiver forever. I was hurt in some ways, but knew everything she said was true.
I bought the book that my counselor said to get, which was CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE. I guess I never figured I was the one that was co-dependent. I haven't got too far into the book, but I never felt myself as a controlling person, I always thought I was trying to solve every one's problem so they would be happy.
Donna, I too, like you pray, but get no answer. I don't know what I believe in any more. If there is a God, which I do believe there is one, I think he lets you figure it out on your own. It's part of the learning experience. I have screamed to God for help and never get an answer.
I love you Donna for being there and being funny. I need funny in my life right now and what comes out your mouth is funny to me because it is the exact same thing I would say.
Love to all, and I never forgot about all of you, even though I do not mention all of you by name. I think of you everyday.
Judy, hope you are hanging in there. Sha, hope your mom went and visit your aunt for you to get a break. Wish my mom had a sister to visit. No body wants her.
Love,
Marylynne
I think when your parents keep you close like mine did it is hard to let go, I tried to move to other cities or states and they were always soon to follow, offering to help but also controlling the situation.
I also believe that prayers do get answered I did alot of praying when my dad was in the hospital but I do believe that sometimes the answer is right there for us to figure out and not in the need of God to figure out.
Cindi good luck on your new way of eating!
Hope everyone is having an awesome day. oxoxoxo Judy
On the flip side, my only sister skatted out of town at the first sign my parents' health was failing. She left me "holding the bag." I very well know why she left, and that was the reason-- not to have to deal with our parents, or their deteriorating health problems. When my dad, in the early stages of Alzheimer's, broke his hip, my sister refused to come to see him, preferring instead to virtually ignore the problem. "It's probably not all that bad," she said. -- you get the picture.
What really makes me upset is that your siblings turn on you, and get greedy for inheritances, and only support you if there is money involved, and don't give one whit about your trials and tribulations, but are ready to stick their hand out if and when there is money to be passed around. She has my mother so hornswagled that she is a messiah and I am the devil that it makes me want to puke.
Yeah, I know. I'm really jaded. You girls, though, restore my faith in humanity. You are a rare breed of kind people that give me hope. Much luv to all, Dani~
Dani...it takes all kinds. Your sister doesn't want to face the reality nor does she want her life affected by it. Many times the caring of parents somehow falls more upon one child. Sometimes the other siblings will help out but it is not much especially in comparison to what we do. It is what it is. Any help is good help so I take what I can get (like the song says). When they won't help you out at all it burns you up. Even when they do help you it burns me up still sometimes. But, hey I have a choice and can decide I won't take care of parents it I really wanted to do that. I know my Mother thinks my brother is a paragon any thing he helps with is much appreciated while with me I am not as appreciated. Sometimes I point it out nicely. Just to have her see what she is doing. May or may not help but it makes me feel better for speaking my truth.
Donna, your mother is just plain nuts. She also is mean spirited. People who don't have some kind of mental and emotional illness do not act or treat people the way she does. I know this cause of my own family of origins high dysfuction. My mother being the most dysfuctional and then my sister. Your mother is making you nuts, Donna. I hate that. It is not for her to cause you chaos and grief by telling your youngest son what you are doing for the oldest and then tell him he should be upset about it. She stirs the pot. You don't need her meddling and causing this havoc in your home and life. She is lucky you take care of her at all let alone making your house and yourself and your family crazy. Why does she have so much power and control? Take it back from her. Don't let her do that to you. As far as a gift for your birthday. If you don't want one tell her. If you could use money instead (which I am sure you can we all can) ask her for money instead so you can choose your own gift or needs. If she doesn't want to do that then fine...tell her no gift at all will do you well. It's about you...not about her. Thank her kindly, but don't accept one you don't want one..that's it. Tell her you would like to go out with your bf and have a peaceful day where she is good to you...
Marylynne, so glad you are getting some help. Yes, we are part of the problem. Interesting to find that out isn't it? I went through 10 years of counseling cause of my crazy family. I still go sometimes. Lately I am going cause of my life change with upcoming surgery and change from eating. Thank you all of you for your well wishes and praise. It is and will be the hardest thing I have ever done. I have been in a weird place. Tonight is my diet meeting and late workout. Had to get that stress test today. Barely made it! But I did it. The other two times I had to be injected with adenosine (sp?) which makes everything race without walking or running threadmill.
Maria, hope today is better sweetie.
Austen..how are things going for you? Is husband in a home now?
Miak...how are you doing?
Wonder what ever happened to Cathy?
Love to all
Cindi
How are you doing? Your family..and lastly your mom?
Going to church everyday helped me with the loss of my son. I also sat on a bench at the beach watching and listening to the ocean. These are my places where I get renewed. What have you been doing for you, Judy? To get over the grief of your Papa. How is your mom acting to you and taking the loss of your dad..and your sons how are they doing?
Thinking of you
Cindi