My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Cindi, my heart goes out to you in your day of darkness. No one can really help, but know that i am always here, all of us are, when you need to talk.
On the home front, mom is asking me why she doesnt ever get her checks anymore. I told her that she had them direct deposited, and has done so for several years, she said i have always got my checks. I didnt argue, just left it alone. some day my work will be done and i can have a life outside this house and this aggravation, day after day... i hope. I need to get things done, go to the store, would like to shop for myself, and a lot of other things, but, then there is her. i cannot take her everywhere i go, so i just dont go. 'Don and i are going out for a while tonight, she is going to have a fit, of course. resentment resentment. how i resent her. then there are times when i feel sorry for her that she has no friends, and has no life outside of telling me and my son how sorry we are. DONT EVER MAKE YOUR BLOOD RELATIVES YOUR WHOLE LIFE. you will grow old and they will not be there for you. friends will. luv to all of you. Marylynne missing you and wondering how you are doing. Love, "Donna
God Bless Honey....Love you.
Love to all my friends here.
Sha
sorry to hear this. Unless you want to order a hospital bed and resort to changing diapers..Good for insisting on your mom too. Hard dilemma. I feel for you.
Sha, Donna, Marylynne, Cathy wherever you are, Miak, Maria, Mimi welcome, Austin sending you all hugs today.
As for me I'm in low spirits today is the 3rd anniversary of son's death. Have a candle burning for him all day into night..will take lots of flowers over and pray with family including his kids over gravesite..then out to dinner in his memory places he liked to eat. Went to mass this am that was dedicated to him. I want to eat, drink (but I don't like alcohol much) or find some hunk and have a torrid fling..to get out of these feelings..sad huh?
Send me love girls I need it..
Bye for now
Judy, I have a strong feeling your Dad is headed for a nursing home. When my Dad started falling more frequently we had him evaluated at the hospital and it was determined he was not a good candidate to stay home anymore. It's not an easy thing to do but in the long run, it's for his own good. And for me it was more of a blessing because now my mother had no one to bitch at and belittle. My house was much quieter and less stressful. If he lives home any longer he's bound to hurt himself badly, maybe even break a hip. Once he's in a home maybe Mom will be a little more compliant....let's hope! God Bless honey. I hope everything turns out for the best.
Love to all,
Sha
I told my mom that if he goes in a nursing home she is going to be checked top to bottom, her hearing is going and she totally denies it, her teeth are bad and won't do anything. If she doesn't comply I won't take care of her. Judy
MIMI my dad can't see either that is why we moved in together 6 and a half years ago. Its like hell living with my mother, she verbally abuses my Dad and constantly reminds him of his faults. It doesn't help in the healing process for him and it makes me so aggravated, she is the expert on everything so I have gotten to the point that I don't even say anything if I disagree with the topic. It puts a wall up because she expects me to argue and I refuse.
Austin wishing you luck with hubby I hope he has changed some and can be somewhat of a help not a hindrance.
Cindi sorry you had to blow your top, I do that too sometimes, like last week I did with my oldest son.
Donna don't you love the possession thing my parents are like that. They each pay for their own things.
Dad believes he's dying today he didn't get up til lunchtime. Yeah he finally had a BM on saturday, I had to give him the suppository, words can't describe how it is to have to see your father's private parts. Where was my mother you ask? She yelled at him all day Friday and refused to give him the suppository.
Did get some leisure time yesterday went out on our friends boat, hubby and I we had a beautiful day! Dad said he missed me when I got home, I told him I deserve to go and have fun. School starts tomorrow I have to take my son to school that means up at 6:15am yuck!!!! oxoxoxoxo to all my friends, Judy
I know what you mean I have to park in a conjested spot at the malls so the husband can see people even though I the excersie of walking to keep osteoporis under control- oh I forgot it is all ABOUT HIM- silly me. Thank GOD your hubby understands you need to be there for your Mom. Keep in touch dear lady. I have to get back to cleaning out closets before HE comes back home on Sat. I hired help for next week because medicare will probabaly not give me any help for the first few weeks and I will not be dumped on again. I had a bad fall myself today- if anything happens to me he will up a creek. They are going to send a male aide this time which is good because hubby does not ask aides to do much then expects me to do it all-he will have a hissyfit for sure. Good luck and as Carol says put on the emotioal shield every day-the bible says the armour of God.
I will continue to read your other comments nice to see others have some similar issues and some advice that may help thanks.
Cindi-I am glad you got away for a while.Marlynne hope you are ok- you are on mind and inmy heart.
cindi, glad you got out and sounds like sister is doing a lot better. maybe you will be able to depend on her a little now.
Sharon, glad the biopsy was ok. Judy, good to see that you are doing ok with dad. of course like everyone else here, your mom is another story.
my mother has decided that we need a new a/c. i told her that i was not buying one this late in the year, tha we would wait til next spring, when i was a little better off finanacially. still reeling here over car repairs that soared to nearly $1000. she doesnt want to buy it with her money since it is my house.she talks about it constantly. but yesterday had to take her to a funeral, and day before that took her to walmart, of course. and of course she will want to go somewhere today. i am sick and tired of messing with her. wish there was someone else to take care of her for a while, but no one will because she is so mean and hateful. marylynne thinking of you and hoping you are ok......love to all, Donna
Wasn't sure sister could handle it but she did fine it seems.
WElcome to the new girls here.
Hi and hugs to all of my other friends here.
Marylynne we are thinking and praying for you. It is all too much.
Exhausted going to bed
Cindi
welcome aboard- you are at the right place-I also thought my life sucked until I read what others are going through-one lady lost her home in Katria as well as her family and now had to evactuate the home she and her parents are in-I am ashemed of myself for all my whinning I use to do. Everyone here is so suppotive and warm and feel each others pain- I myself am doing better now because I reaached the point of no return and said enough-I told my best friend from high school-almost 50 yrs. ago-I am going to become the b---- he has always accused me of-he has embarresed me and verbably abused me so much in public-when he comes home from rehab for the 10th time in last few years- I am not going out in public with him if I can avoid it . He said if you don't go to church with me people will think there is a problem-hello duh I found out people were feeling sorry for me and said if he treats her like that in church I wonder how he treats her at home, the physical abuse stopped years ago because he was reported concerning our kids but the verbal abuse continued which is the one same thing almost all of us on this site have to daily basis-I know the slave feeling- husband said he did not understand about his treatment to me in public- the sad part is he really does not get it- which our 18 yr old grand-daughter told him when she was about 4 yrs. old. Anyway I am thrilled you are here all of us give and get much support.
I'm sorry about the loss of your beloved Dad. I'm sure he was a saint. He sounds like my Dad, who is now 87 and in a nursing home with dementia. Mom, 84, lives with me. How lucky can a girl get? She is difficult at times, has a very sharp tongue and is never happy...sound familiar? But on the up side, she is healthy and does do everything for herself. By all means, she shouldn't even be living with me, she's well enough to be on her own, but I have always felt she wanted to live with me because she's so frigging afraid she's going to miss something. I am divorced, my only child, a daughter, is in the Navy. I have 3 useless brothers, so you might as well say I'm an only child. But I'm luckier than many here...at least I get to go out and I go on vacation.
Again, welcome and I hope we can make you feel better when you visit. Good luck with your job. I love animals too. I have to babysit my daughter's 2 cats and a snake while she is away.
Marylynne, if you can read this...the Navy is on the way!!!
I talked to my daughter today and her ship is leaving Monday to provide aide to any hurricane victims. God Bless our Military.
Hope you are all having a good weekend.
Love you all,
Sha
Welcome aboard-you will be happy with this site and find warm supporting people-I am fairly new and before we could figure out why I could not connect I was able to read others postings and stoped feeling sorry for myself at once. I am getting ready to have my husband come home from his latest stay at rehab at a nursing home and have been working hard to get rid of clutter while I am alone. I look forward to connecting with you.
Marylyn -hope you are doing ok and you and your family will be able to get home soon- a group of firemen from this area left to go down there to assist where needed. Everyone have as good a weekend as you can you are all in my heart.
thanks again!!!!
My dad is 95 and has minor problems, mostly with eating and and going to the bathroom. I had to buy adult diapers which he hasn't had to have until now.
When we went on vacation we hired some home health people to come in that my be an option for you so you can get away.
Do you have any children? I have two teenage sons, which will have no fond memories to share about grandma. I am an only child so I am the only one to be the caregiver though I hear siblings don't help anyway. Keep us posted anytime we are here for you excuse our hatefulness at times but we just express how we feel, oxoxoxo judy
I don't think there is anything more stressful in this life than what we are all going through. If I had it to do over again, I would have rethought my choice to move in here. I too knew that if my dad passed away before her, my life would be over- I've read that several times in previous posts. I'm sooo glad I found this forum and know that I'm not alone. I'm lucky in that I have a wonderful, supportive, patient husband who is behind me 100 percent all the time..but it's no good for a marriage either.. I wonder how long we both can stand it...
My biopsy was done Friday and it went very well. It was very painless and I kind of had the feeling that everything was going to turn out OK just by the atmosphere in the room, but I won't know for sure until nSept. 8. Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes.
Marylynne, you might not read this until after the storm but my daughter's ship (and others) has been placed on standby if needed because of the hurricane. Good luck honey, be safe and I'll be praying you are well and don't have damage.
Girls, You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Hope today is a good one...you deserve it.
Love,
Sha
I will be praying for you as you pack up to get in a safer area- I will never complain again about snow and ice storms.
Judy, you and I also have something in common. Aneurysms in the family. I have had migraines since I am a young girl and will not have a cat scan or mri in fear I will have an inoperable one. I don't want to know I'm going to die, just let it happen.
We are preparing here to leave for Hurricane Gustavo. Hurricane Hannah is right behind it. Have to pack up the old people. My mom has been giving me so much trouble. She is all of a sudden getting sick every day around 4:00 p.m. She swears she has a major infection in her body. Took her to the urologist today and she has no infection. After about 6:00 p.m. she perks up and becomes her same old smart ass self.
Austin, my mom would no sooner volunteer to read to children than cut off her right arm. Not only that she would scare them to death with her meaness. I wish my mom was like you are. You are such a nice person and you give back to your community. My mom is so negative and nasty. She just don't know any other way. And, if I hear her say one more time that SHE HAS BEEN TAKING CARE OF MY DADDY 21 YEARS! I will die. She acts like she has carried him on her back for that long. She never takes into consideration all that I helped her with, she did everything on her own. Totally independent and don't drive. Figure that one out.
Austin glad your ultrasound was normal hope that Sha's is the same. Praying for you.
Cindi, me and you and Donna have to hang in there with our horrible mothers. I told my daughter if I disappear for a while, tell my Mom, husband and oldest daughter they have full responsibility for me leaving.
Wish me luck with the storm. Tell it to go West Go West.
Love,
marylynne
I hope you were able to get the results of your Dad's bd. work and things are not bad-it can be scary when you get a call and are not at home to receive it. We do need to lean on God sometimes it helps me to picture him holding me in his hands, how did your sister manage that day with out her caregiver? Tell us how your needle biospy went-I hope you did not have to wait long for the results-our Medical group now tries to get the results soon to us-I got to meet with the radiologist right after the ultersound and even the tech who took me to his office told me the results were within normal limitsthis group has grown so big but is so much more pt. friendly then the hospital across the street from them, I will be thinking of you more around the date of your brothers' death. I was feeling so sick yesterday with headaches and musle and joint pain but had told the husband I would go to see him and I knew if I did not-God forbid- of course even when I told him how I felt he asked me to stop at Walmarts for him-while there I picked up some yarn-I going to start crocheting baby blankets for a pregancy crisis group our church is helping support-they encourage the girls and women not to abort the babies and then help them with supplies and such. Right now it is very painful for me to do needle work-hopefully the doc will put me on some meds to help with the pain I was hoping that with cooler weather it would be better-I might have Lymns disease it is very common here in the north east. I was wondering those who have Moms that are pia's would it be possible for them to go into local schools and read to the younger kids -our senoirs do that and even help kids who are having problems with their reading one on one-maybe if they did something for others they would feel better about themselves- also it might tire them out so they would go to bed ealier and get out of your hair- a win win situation. My husband is planning a slew of MD visits when he comes home-I shot that idea down quick in order for us to get home care help he has to be homebound which does not include unnessarry doc visits. His hearing comes and goes and only last year I took him to a hearing specialist and was told he really did not need a hearing aide and guess what- he hearing was good- so good he could hear me mumble something I did not want him to hear. Now he wants to go through the whole nine yards again -I said not so fast get the reports from last year- and he is going yto do it instead of being a slug except when he wants to do something dangerous. Everything falls on me all of a suden he can't do the bills because he can't see-but let his toast be too light in color and he knows it. Decor what a horror you are going through with all your relatives and do make that appointment for the MRI. Everytime someone running for office stops by or calls I tell them they need to help us caregivers out-one I talked to is going to report that witch from Adult Protective Services that came to my house and gave me such a hard time.
lots of things going on with your family. All the sisters are up there in age. Sad to hear of their declining health, surguries, bleeding internally. Hell as we age. Good idea about getting checked out. Aneurysms scare me. Keep doing your best for dad. Got a phone call from my dad's hemotologist. Had called regarding the results of his blood test. Her calling me makes me anxious. I was out so she is going to call back tomorrow night. I wonder if his protein levels are up and the blood cancer is worse.
Still feeling a bit low but better then earlier.
Take care night
Cindi
Marylynne we are all so sensitive at times I am getting tougher as the years go by and I don't feel bad about it which kinda bothers me.
Sha I am hoping for the best for you.
Donna glad you are getting your wheels back but sorry for the passenger you have to take along.
Cindi Cheer Up we do have some things to be thankful for :)
Well here has been my last couple of days, I have an Aunt my Dad's sister who lives alone is 89 and has bad legs. She has one son, who just a couple of weeks ago had to padlock the basement door so she wouldn't go downstairs because she had just came home from having leg surgery on her veins. My other Aunt, another sister had called her on Sunday three times no answer, so she called the son and he went to check her and she had fallen and couldn't get up. Tuesday night her goes to his mother's feeds her dinner and puts her to bed and goes home, goes to work the next morning for a couple of hours and then goes to check on her, he couldn't rouse her from bed and find the bed full of blood she had a gastrointestinal bleed. She is currently in intensive care. He was planning on putting her in assisted living after the fall but you have to be able to walk so if she recovers she will be going to a nursing home. She liked taking those Goody's headache powders for about 60 years and I know what we have told her that aspirin can erode the stomach lining.
The other thing is a cousin of mine just had surgery for a brain anurisium it was ready to burst, I already lost one cousin from the same thing, they run on my Dad's side thats what his mother died from, so now I am making an appointment for a physical and to get an MRI to see if I have one. Maybe they will find my head empty.
I still can't get Dad to eat that much I told him to tell me when he
I was thinking of you and realized hadn't heard from you and came back here to post something to you. And, here you were! I am praying the needle biopsy shows nothing serious. Sounds like you have been through alot already. Be thinking about you and say a prayer.
Austin, what happend to your ultrasound?
Marylynne, maybe you should move away from that hurricane place...too much turmoil. Hope you will be safe.
LOve to you
Cindi......feeling glum today
Marylynne, your towel story reminded me of my curtain story. Every summer I put lace swags in my bedroom and every year my mother says, "Are those my curtains"? I'm like "No, Ma, those are mine, I had them before you even came to live here." She says, "Are you sure? I think those are mine." Now we have to argue about it because she's so frigging sure they're hers. What a pain in the ass. I think I'll throw them away this year when I take them down.
You mention how you won't be happy even when they are gone but I disagree. You will be sad, but you will also be happy knowing you were there for them all these many years. That alone my dear will allow you to sleep at night. You will miss them, of course, but your conscience will give you comfort and the pain will be less.
Big hug to you honey. And I'll be praying for you with this hurricane. Be safe! Oh, and I'm glad to hear my line "Do you really want to fight" has helped you.
Maria, a big welcome to baby Alma Rose and congrats to you! My grandmother on my Dad's side was Rose Alma!
Cindi, what a week you have been having. I hope sister does OK. So sad your Mom has to be so harsh with her words. My mother can be the same way. I know exactly how you feel. She rarely has a kind word for anybody. Always insulting or critizizing. I get so fed up with her ways I could scream at her.."Why are you such a bitch?" "What the hell has happened in your life to make you so miserable?" But most of the time I just hold my tongue, it's so much easier that way than to fight. You asked about my Dad. Yes, he is living and in a nursing home for the last 2 years. He has dementia and can do nothing for himself...he's total care. He has also lost the ability to correrspond with anyone. Anything he does say is usually nonsense. So sad. He was a saint for putting up with her all those years. Next Thursday will be their 60th wedding anniversary. Getting back to Mom's knee. Her x-rays showed plain old arthritis, so needless to say, she will not be having surgery. She did however go to have her ears checked and will be getting hearing aids. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Good: her TV won't be blareing, Bad: I can't mutter under my breath. :)
Donna, like I said to Cindi, it's just so mean when our mother's say such cruel things. Are they perfect? Far from it. I truly think they just like to bitch, it doesn't matter what. They just like to hear themselves talk and since they have nothing intelligent to say, they bitch. I wish they could use their mouths for good instead of evil.
Judy, I hope Dad is doing OK since his fall. Poor man, but that's how it started with my Dad. He was falling more and more until we had to put him in the hospital to be evaluated and from there it was the nursing home. And as unfeeling as this may sound, it's really the best place for him. We just can't take care of him the way he needs at home.
Austin, you have your hands full, how's your husband today?
I go for my needle biopsy tomorrow...wish me luck. I did speak to my Dr. and she said it was a cyst of "Low suspicion". I take that as a positive thing. I'll keep you all posted.
Love to all...be safe, be sane, have the best day you possibly can.
Sha
Congratulations Grandma! Welcome Alma Rose! Very sweet to have baby named after your mother behalf. Hope your daughter is doing well too.
Marylynne, hard when the heart is aching. I do have a sense that to some degree your friends are right. Probably right about most of us. Maybe we are to learn how to get through all this with our parents and our lives day by day. I often seem to think about the future and about being unstuck. Then along comes another situation in which I feel somewhat the same again, trying to get through it and hoping I make it and how I'll be better and happier when I am it through then along comes something again. Are we to learn how to take care of ourselves and others like our parents without losing ourselves? Are we to learn how to live in the present moment instead of looking to a better future? Are we to turn to God and be spiritual seeking his guidance and strenght to cope and accept what we have chosen? Are we to trust to know when we can no longer be good for ourselves and take care of parents in our homes and get appropriate help? The serenity prayer...something like...Please God help me to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Austin, Hooray for you! We are a constant piece of art in progress...It takes what it takes to make us see and do what we need to do in order to be good to ourselves and take good care of ourselves. I am sorry that your life is still a challenge due to marriage...he is so lucky to have you. Sounds like you work on and set your boundaries and most times that is all we can do. Good for you. Hope things go okay for you once husband is back home. Hope things are okay for him too. The day may come where he is permanently taken care of outside the home. If it comes to that you will still be there for him just differently.
Judy, how are you? Dad? Mom? Everything else? Hope Dad is standing better etc. It is a worry.
Donna,
Glad car is being fixed, know it must be hard on you. Your mom..well....hope today is a smooth day.
Today first day sister will be on her own. Did see her early am and brought doughnuts and hot cocoa, sat on her balcony and we talked. Caregiver can't come, and want sister to be away from mom so gonna leave dad with mom off and on today while taking some time away not the same but better then nothing. Gloomy here kind of like my mood. Getting in a sad place a bit because Sept 3rd will be the 3rd anniversary of son's passing. Having a mass said in his memory at local church, also another mass will be said for him at another church by a friend who is a priest. I wish things had turned out differently. Many people's lives have been affected both negatively and positively by his passing. My sister and my would be daughter in law are examples of being affected negatively. Both have mental health issues. I hope my grand daughters will be okay. I know the will and are affected but I pray they will make it.
I hope we all make it...all of us.
We are lucky to have eachother here.
Love to you all and God Bless you and your families.
Cindi