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cindy, and all of u, will you please send pix to me. i would love to see thm. and did any of u receive the pics from me? i got a lette from maria and she said she could not open so resent, dont know if it worked second time or not. too tired to write much. luv to all Donna
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Cindi, I understand. After so much pain, we think we can't deal with it anymore and we block anybody trying to get close to us. I am so sorry for your pain and I feel it too. You are the only one who can decide what to do. In my girlfriends cases, their sons weren't married or had children. Mine died as infants so I have very little memories of them. You are right. Where does this pain end? Nobody knows, that is the sad part. Right now my tow granddaughters live in the same house as me. I also think that they might get into trouble when they are older and not much I can do about it. It hurts but they are not mine. Now it is up to my daughter to remember the upbringing I gave her and to raise her children the right way. When we think we don't have the energy or will, something happens and we continue on. I have been there so many times that sometimes I ask God what have I done wrong? One thing I know is that God has never left my side thru all my life. I am not a religious person but I do believe. I am always talking to him, don't matter where I am. If people could read minds, I would be considered nuts, lol. I am here anytime u need me. That is what friends are for. Love, Maria
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Cindi,

Didn't have time to read all of the postings, but will later. I was so excited to see you in person. You are just how I pictured you. You are beautiful. Love you,
Marylynne
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Maria,

thank you for feeling close to me..any love is good love so I'll take what I can get! Well, I think I have closed myself against my grandchildren because my son is gone. They are a reminder to me that my son is not here with me. Strange huh. You would think it would be the opposite that they are the only part I have left of him so I would open myself up more. But, actually it hurts and they are not my son. I see them and all that he is missing out on. I see them and know they will have a hard time without a father and with a mother who has mental/emotional issues. She recently tried to take her life because she was in so much emotional pain..she never dealt with it after son died. She also had a failed relationship recently. It's as if I don't have anymore to give after giving to so many for so long. I feel my grandkids will be troubled and I won't be able to save them...not that it is my job. Couldn't even save their dad. If I see something happen to them it would be like going through the pain of losing my son all over again. Also, as you know it is different when the grandkids are from the son side. The kids are naturally closer to the other grandma. I told their mother that I don't think I am a good grandma. I'm okay...but in many ways I am an abscent grandma. When I have them we have a good time..etc. But you are right I have not opened my heart completely. I think it is because I fear getting hurt and because them remind me of the loss of my son. I'm working through it. I feel a shift...and it's strange because I have enough on my plate besides having to go through this too. But..it is the way it is. I found myself opening up to them in ways I hadn't so it's a good sign...just I hate having to deal and go through ONE more issue, where does it End?! Have worked through so much already. I don't have the energy or will...

Love to you my friend
Cindi... Hugs to you Girls!
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Cindi, I know how hard it must be for you but don't close yourself against your grandchildren. After all, they are part of your son. Every time u see them, u see him too. Is that what is so hard for you? Keep pondering and you will get an answer. Might not be the best or it might be the greatest. I feel close to you because of this. I hope you don't mind. Take care and good luck with the preparations for your surgery. It also seems like u need a breather very soon. God bless, Maria
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Hello dear friends,
I think it is neat that we are exchanging emails..etc. Had my granddaughters over today for a visit. I don't see them often and it is by my choice. I do love them but have some block about getting hurt again by losing one of them or something happening bad. Also, I am so sad about their dad being gone that it is hard for me to open up completely to them. Strange I know. I've been pondering this. Anyways, they were over and we had a tea party, went to their father's grave and put flowers, played outside in their inflatable pool, etc. We had a good time. All went out to eat dinner then we separated. I went to visit sister. Husband took the kids home. My mother complained about the noise level and banging of the front door but I do think she might have liked seeing them. She is not much of a grandmother or great grandmother. They are 5 and 6 almost 7. They are cute girls.
My sister was put on another medication. She wants to get out and get started on her life. Told her she needs to be more stable and the doctors will decide. I feel badly for her for she is on locked down. Nothing much to do there but at least she is safe. Ply...I know you didn't mean wouldn't have to take care or worry about sister. Knowing she is safe is good.

Really tired...Tomorrow have to go to Doctor to start surgery checkoff list.

Hugs
Cindi...Let's hope for a good week.
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Thanks, Marylynne. I don't know about beautiful, I'm just OK. :)
So glad my advice helped you out!
Love,
Sha
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Susan and Sharon,

I saw your pictures and ya'll are both beautiful. I'm working on sending you mine, have to get my husband or daughter to do it for me.

It is so nice to put a face with who you are talking to. I love it. Thanks Sha for that suggestion of "do you really want to argue" it works.

Love,
Marylynne
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Hi Girls,
Sorry it's been a while since I wrote but make no mistake, I have read all of your letters and I'm hearbroken to learn of the horrors of your youth and adulthood with abuse and molestation and having a child taken. How horrobile for you. I can't even imagine how you suffered. Compared to you, my childhood was a walk in the park. I cried for all of you. And the people pleaser in me wants to hug you all and just try to do something nice for you. I think about all of you all the time and hope you are having a better day. My troubles pale in comparison to yours but the emotions are the same. I feel what you feel and you all understand me. Marylynne, I'm glad my suggestion of "Do you really want to argue about this" worked for you. I felt happy that I was of some small help, maybe I made a difference in your life that day. I hope so.
Cindi, Mia, Maria, Donna, Judy, Susan, Marylynne, I love you girls. Thank you for being there to listen, understand and support. (Hope I didn't miss anyone.)

May you have peace this evening.
Love,
Sha
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I did ask if we could put a picture on our profile at least mlv3000. I tried a few ways and could not do it. Sorry, they are good.

love ya,
Susan
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mlv3000,

I have a myspace page. You can be my friend there and see my family and all kinds of things. I will try a jpeg. on this sight, but not sure. I will how ever work on making it so we can see one another.

My html/myspace/blkiedsusan This is my myspace page. I believe I have photos on aol also.

love you all,
Susan
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Good Morning my dear friends,
Marylynne go to kodak easy share and i can send you a picture of me, my email is shadyldy131@aol.com. Thanks for your long letter cindi, and you are right, i shouldnt take care of her. In my letter i only scratched the surface of the things that were done to me as a child, and i remain bitter about them to this day. As for my son who she took, he is the one who is in prison. How this happened was: we lived in tulsa, he went to a very large school there. He came to this small town where my mom lives, and liked it better He came to spend the summer, and when it was time for school to start, he said he was not coming home, was going to stay with granny and go to school here, when i said yes, you are coming home, My mother said, No, he is going to stay here with me. His father said, yes, just leave him here, he will be better off. So with everyone in my life telling me it was the best thing, I walked away. He was 14 at the time. He was given everything that he wanted from that day on, when he grew up and still wanted everything, so he decided to make drugs, which is the reason he is in prison.
My other three sons, who love him because he is their blood kin, say, he does not really feel like a brother to them. shortly after he came to stay with his granny, i divorced their dad, and my other three sons and i struggled because i didnt make a lot of money, but we made it. And became very very close. Sadly, my oldest son did not ever know the closeness that the others did.
Thankfully, this is n the past. I am now pondering on the things you have said, about am i punishing myself for enduring all of this bs, or punishng her? sometimes when i go somewhere and she is having a fit, I think to myself, them paybacks are hell, old lady. but never say it.
Maybe the struggles that i have had have made me a better person. I hope it was not all in vain.

again, thanks, I love each of you. You are all very unique in your own way, and i know very fine people,.Donna
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Cindi, thank you for all the comfort and words you write. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You are very deep in your thoughts and I like that. I like to analyze things except when I am very pissed off. Back when our mothers were our age or somewhere around, everything was supposed to be hush hush. When I wanted to divorce my first husband, my mother kept telling me I couldn't because I was going to leave my daughter without a father. So I had to continue taking his beatings? I don't think so! I did what I had to do in both marriages. First, was to save myself and to have some sanity. Second, was to save my daughters. I am pretty sure my other daughter also got molested or at least he tried, but she can't remember anything. I think that is why she has low self esteem and even if we talk about any molestation, she says she doesn't know. My oldest thinks that it might have happened.At the time I left my second husband, my daughters were 10, 3, and my son was 2 mths old. I have been by myself since then. Not interested in any relationship. Bitter? Maybe. I just don't need all the bullshit that comes with having somebody by your side. I'd rather struggle by myself then have to put with somebody who wants all or some attention while I have to do something else. I date, but I don't commit. There is a big difference. And sorry, I didn't mean for you not to worry about your sister at all. At least for now somebody is taking care of her. Marylynne, I also picture everybody in my head. Maria
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Marylynne, I think we would have to have eachother's email address.

Cindi
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Marylynne,

You can't come back a BITCH!!! Then you wouldn't have learned what you needed to.. We need to learn how to love ourselves and others in the right balance. Saying no to everything would make us a superbitch..that's not the goal!!!

But for now...we better start with saying no..more...(laughing)

Hugs
Cindi
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Marylynne, love you too girlfriend!!!
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Susan,

Glad your mom's surgery went well and she is home recuperating. I am with you...I hope I am as responsible for me as I am for everyone else..

Cindi
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Judy,
good for you. Sounds like you had a very loving dad you are lucky. That is the best we can wish for to change the bad crazy patterns we learned and were affected by as a child and do better and different for our kids

Cindi
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Ply,

good for you a mother who stood up for her child! We needed our moms to be more like you. I am sorry for the abuse your daughter endured.

Cindi
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Marylynne

your mother having the two nervous breakdowns took the focus off of you as a child and put them on her where they have been ever since. You were made to take care of her and not have any wants, needs or feelings cause it would affect her. No wonder you are resentful. Take care of yourself now sweetie...somehow find the balance if you must take care of them..but put yourself and your family first..and to damn with them if they don't like it. It is not up to them...they should be happy if you take care of them at all..

Cindi
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Miak,
Your story also broke my heart. Your mother was crazy Miak. How did you survive what she exposed you to. Your mother taking things out on you and on small animals. Trying to make you eat your pet rabbit. Making you stay in the basement in the dark. Teaching you to slaughter small animals. Heard that is a sign of a killer..sociopath. What ever happened to her? No wonder you want your movie to end in an explosion where the house blows up. I use to work as a child guidance counselor for kids that had emotional problems. The children would use a doll house with doll figures for mom, dad, sister brother etc...the children who had a bad association with home would make things happen to the dollhouse, and the figures. This reminded me of you when you said blow up the house. To me that represents awful bad memories and burn and crash everything to hell...so you can walk away from the nightmare.
On a positive note, glad you have that book to seek comfort from.
Once again I am sorry...I also was made to sit in a dark closet as a child by my half sister who had me crawl out and beg her on my knees to be able to get out. She despised me.

Cindi
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Donna,
You have been through so much pain. Your mother has really not done right by you. Now she is old and helpless and has dementia so it is hard for you to be so unforgiving and you make allowances for her. I know her issues and choices affected you. She was not a good mother, Donna simple as that. She didn't protect you as a child, she didn't believe you, she was mean and unhappy, insecure and took it out on you. She inflated herself by deflating your spirit and still does at times. To not believe and do nothing to a man who sexually abused your daughter in unfathomable to me. But there are mothers who do this like yours. They don't want to know or admit cause that would affect them too greatly. Then she stole your son? How did she do that..whatever happened to him? How very tragic. It is like a death. I don't know why you take care of your Mom, Donna. Are you trying to be a better person and help her even when she doesn't deserve it. Do you love her despite everything? Do you take care of her cause you believe her crap..and feel you don't deserve anything anyways so may as well take care of her..in other words are you blaming yourself and thus punishing yourself by caring for her? You don't owe her anything. You don't have to do as you once told her and take care of her. Things have changed and your health and life are at risk. Take care of her from a nursing home. Noone would think bad of you. Afterall your mother is toxic to you. Does she not realize what she has done to you? My heart breaks for the pain you endured as a child and the pain you endure now as a grown woman. I love you, Donna...and I'm sorry.

Cindi
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Ply,
You are right my sister is in a safe place right now and getting the medical attention she needs..finally. However, I will always have to worry about her I believe this is just a first step to many many more. My sister has a lot of emotional and personality problems that need to be revealed and healed for her to function in this world as a healthy adult. Not sure she can..but praying so. Glad you got loving parents who did their best by you. My daughter is an animal lover like you too. Sounds like that was a good connection between your father, animals and yourself. Good memories of our parents warms the heart.

Cindi
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LaScorpia,
seems like alot of our mothers' had mental/emotional issues and illness. You were robbed of your childhood having to take care of your parents. Set up to take care of others. Funny how we eventually get stronger and stand up for ourselves when there is nothing left almost of us like in your case getting sick. Be sure to take care of you and your needs and wants that is our goal for ourselves in order live a better life. We must be there for ourselves then for our families..somehow finding the balance..and finding ourselves.

Glad you liked the article
Cindi
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Hey Girls,

Do you think there's a way we can exchange pictures to see who we are talking to. I picture all of you in my mind and would love to see you.

If any one knows of a way, let me know.

Marylynne
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Judy, glad the article was mind blowing. Sounds like you did some good for yourself back when you reinvented and redid things in your life. Good for you. We women need to take our power back and heal together as a sisterhood of people pleasing women who don't know what we want or need, etc. I'm in line! I hope my sister sticks with it too, Judy. You are right this is only a first step. Hope all is well...responding to each of you cause I wrote a super long letter last night which was erased.

Hugs
Cindi
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hey cindi,

I said if I ever come back in another life, I am going to be the biggest BITCH that ever lived. I am going to say NO to everybody. NO, I can't do that, NO, I don't want to take you to the doctor, etc. etc.

Marylynne
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Marylynne, made me happy to know that the article moved you and you will keep it to use for the future. I know the tears are hard...recognizing one's deepest hurts is not easy. Thank you for your compliment....you have a way of making people feel good, Marylynne. Just glad I can help...(of course being the little people pleaser..laughing)

Love to you
Cindi
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Sha,
My mother has said she should have drowned as when we were born too...or flush us down the toilet. Also, she has said if she is ever born again she will not have children. Where do these mothers learn this sh*t from? Scary. Thanks, Sha she is on her way...but long way to go..hopefully she will do as they say. Glad the article spoke to you

Cindi
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Cindi,

Your Earley says thing is right on the money. You are so very helpful and I love you.

Marylynne
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