My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Have a good Sunday everyone...
Cindi
Long week. Sister drama yesterday. But she is ok. Daughter and I spent some time shopping in Santa Barbara (45 minutes north). Hired Maryann, the caregiver for 4 hours and husband and I joined 4 other couples to see an outdoor summer concert kind of thingy. Music under the stars they call it. Have a concert every week different sorts of music. Last night, New Orleans jazz. Was my friend's Diane's birthday so we did a potluck. Should have seen me racing about the kitchen complaining aloud how I take on too much. Raced home from shopping to cook dinner for my parents (mom was complaining she is thin cause I haven't cooked) she always has something to eat sometimes she just doesn't like what we have. Then had to stir fry up some green beans (mom's recipe that Diane and the others love). Thing is everyone else brought one thing, I brought two cause of course I wanted to please Diane. Bringing ribs was not enough you see for little ole me. The ribs are store bought from Vons and you warm them in the oven. Great to take to functions cause they taste good. Like you made them! Was a nice night out except I was itching all over my legs. Turns out I got bitten to death by something, not good seeing I am taking antibiotics for cellulitis (due to insect bite that got infected). Needless to say, I am up around 4 here typing to you girls. Just took a benadryl.
Mother had been giving me trouble the last couple of days over my sister. Luckily for me, I was able to have her see the error of her ways a bit. I tell you, it's all too much you need to be a pyschologist to be able to handle my family (mainly mother and sister). I do believe there is no escape, no permanent one at least from our situation. Unless, we move and pretend we have no mother, father, sister..etc. Even in death our parents will be with us, through our remembrances of them...we will remember their words, thoughts, feelings as we continue to live our lives. I do hope it is easier on us though with them one day being physically gone from us. No matter what, I know we will miss them when they do leave us. I am thinking that it is very hard to love. Look at how hard it is for us...loving our parents, family (soster in my case) yet, we still do love them and make great sacrifices for them all due to love. Not because they deserve it...oh no...many times they do not deserve it. I remember not too long ago, my sister wouldn't help with my parents for 7 months, instead she was out galavating spending money, shopping with her fiancee's money. She didn't give a damn about me and what I was going through. Now, look at her. Fiancee broke off engagement, she is penniless, homeless and has mental issues. My brother along with our imput is working on having her fiancee agree to help sister out for 6 months..etc. She has never lived on her own and has never used her degree for a full time job. She has always lived off of people. She has only been out of parents house for maybe 3 years. Everything went to pot with her and my parents health the year my son died. It will be 3 years in September. Dad got altzheimer's, renal failure was hospitalized and then put in a nursing home for 6 months. Mom lived with brother for 6 months, then senior residence for 16 months before coming here in November. Sister lived with fiancee since Jan 2006. She has claimed to be able to connect with son's spirit since then. We are trying to get her to seek mental attention. Yesterday was another example of her unstableness. It is all too much many times...as you all know. Donna, I agree with Marylynne you are a saint. I will surely lose it if either parents were pooping over themselves and demanded to be taken out and I was out in public restrooms washing them down. What patience, Donna. I applaud you. I also applaud each and every one of you for all you do for your parent/parents. You all know how to love and are so capable of great love beyond all odds. We must remember to not lose ourselves, to Love ourselves too as we go through this, to take care of ourselves and set boundaries. Easy to say so hard to do. I love you all and am so glad I have you here in my life...to help see me through.
God Bless you All...
Cindi
Now after listening to Dr. Phil (you may laugh) he says don't give your power away, so now I don't say anything and I continue my business, it was very difficult at first but after seeing what it does and that it works, I am doing it more often.
Sure she still hits that one nerve I have left and I let her have it but its not everyday and I feel all right and not defeated. You are not a robot that can be programmed to agree with everyone and thing. I don't thing you would feel good at agreeing with something just for the sake of not having a confrontation. Thats just my opinion and it works for me.
Went on my friends boat yesterday got home at 12:00 am. Didn't check on Dad but noticed that he didn't get his pill last night. I can't count on her to do anything for him when I am gone. But she runs in and out of his room when I am home. Gave him a shower this morning because he missed the potty and I had to clean the bathroom floor and seat. So I assumed he needed a shower.
Mother's been screaming at the cats all morning. I wish I could put her in the car and drop her off somewhere. Just very tired of it all. OXOXOXO Judy
You take care of you too. And, I do remember reading that you told your mother that, and I laughted out loud.
Love,
Marylynne
I know that it can be very hard for you to hold you mouth. That happens to be my first prayer ever morning. "God, please do watch over what comes out of my mouth, because it cannot be taken back." I was the one that after my mother told me all of her problems, I told her if she would just put that plastic bag over her head and pull the strings tight, that they would all stop.
I could not believe this had come out of my mouth to my mother, but it had. The next day she came out of her room and just looked at me odd and said, "Did you tell me to put a bag over my head." And all I could do was laugh and say yes I did but I just did not feel well and I am sorry. So don't be hard on yourself.
It is very hard for someone that you feel should sheild you from harm, to be the cause of the harm. She is not only your mother, but she is human. She is making her mistakes right now, and it could be the on set of altimers. I have heard that the people can be very mean.
Good Luck, and I will write again as soon as I can. We are moving mother closer to my bed room so I can get off the sofa I have been on for a week, after the hospital stay. I want my BED. LOL So, my husband hopefully will have me up and running agian very soon.
Make sure you take time to take care of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love all the women here,
Susan M. Myers
Thank you for your words of wisdom. My two best friends in the world and my husband also agree with you. They said I should agree with her and know that I have the upper hand because I am playing a mind game. It is just so hard to control my mouth when I am being hurt. She says I have changed since the Hurricane and I have. My feelings do get hurt alot easier now. But, I did tell her do I not have the right to change, to be hurt. Right now, the only thing that belongs to me is my own feelings, and she cannot take that away from me and I told her so.
She is always so busy telling me what she has done in her lifetime, when I have doubled what she has done for her mother. I have both of them living with me and have spent every day doing something for them for half of my life. Sometimes I just have to say so. But, I am the only one who suffers for it. I get violently sick from feeling like I have something wrong, when I know I haven't. She has that much control over me.
I will seek a counselor and please keep counseling me yourself. I can use all the help I can get.
Donna, You are a complete saint. I mean it. You and Cindi have more patience than anyone I know. I love you,
Marylynne
I am back for a while. I just read your comments about your mother. I sounds to me like she is half right. You see when I had a bad marriage, my councoler told me that he was getting everything he wanted, so he did not have a problem, but that I did because I could not get him to see what he was doing to me. Verbale abuse, can do more damage than we think. To me it sounds like you, if you can, try a family councelor. Maybe if she hears it from someone other than you, she will see what she is doing to you. Trust me I know that you cannot ignore it. It is like a knife in your heart!
If nothing else, if she won't go, tell her that she is right, and then do what you know is right. Sooner or later she will figure it out. Her feeling are hurt that she has to depend on anyone. I am very sorry that you are the target of her pain.
I love and will be praying for you and your family,
Susan M. Myers
Today was no better. She would not apologize for what she has done. She started being combative again. She told me that I have a sick mind and I am taking things the wrong way. All of my friends tell me to ignore her, but every time I ignore something she says that bothers me, a little piece of myself goes away.
So today, I said, Mom my health is declining and I am going to let you know it is because of you and Dad. So, if I keep declining you will have to go and I will borrow the money to give you back that you spent on the addition. She said, so I am getting an eviction notice. I said not yet. We have to learn how to live in peace. She said that it is me and not her.
When we got home from the bank she called my brother and asked him to look for a house for her. She told him that I hated him for not helping me and she is disappointed in him for not helping. He told her that he will not feel guilty and that he will not do anything for them. So, I think that brought her down a notch tonite that her fair haired boy, refused to help her again. I'm glad he told her that and he may never talk to me again, since she told him that I hate him. Don't care. Don't care about anything.
Judy, Sha, Donna and Cindi thanks for all your support, I don't know what I would do if I couldn't tell you these things that happen to me.
Desperate need of suggestions on how to handle someone who thinks its not her and its me. Should I just agree with her? Say, Yes, mom it is me.
Love,
marylynne
Then someone put a dish in the dishwasher wrong, you think they killed somebody.
Thats when she said she didn't want to live anymore.
I wish she could have 3 ghosts like scrooge visit her at night and teach her that she has it better then alot of people.
Marylynne sounds like you need to let the addition do what you intended and that is to give you some space. Maybe you need to install an intercom system and if they need you they can call.
When she gets to my nerves I go upstairs to my room.
Take it easy girls, Judy
Here I am at work and so happy to be out of the house. I almost prefer work to being home. At least here I have some peace.
Marylynne, I feel so bad your mother gives you such a hard time. It seems like there is no winning with her. I know that feeling. Sometimes my mother just wants to argue for the sake of having something to talk about. But I have become gifted at cutting her off at the knees. One afternoon after I got home from work, my boyfriend was coming over with some plants he had taken from his garden and was going to plant them for me in my garden. So I mentioned to my mother that Paul was coming by with the plants. She got all in a frigging tizzy. "What kind of plants?, Where is he putting them?, Why didn't you tell me?"
I said, "Are you kidding me?" "Do you really want to argue about plants?" "Seriously Ma, is this something you want to argue about?" Then she made some remark which I can't remember and she let it go. But that is my defense now, "So, Ma, do you really want to argue about this?" Try it, it might work. But it galls me that she can be so domineering and it isn't even her house. It's MY house, damn it! And by the way....she's the one who asked ME if she could come and live with me. I knew from that moment that I was doomed.
Marylynne, I don't know your mother's history but judging by her behavior, it makes me wonder if she has dementia or some other illness that causes her to be so verbly combative.
Donna, how's it going today? Did you end up moving the furniture? I think my mother does hurt when I hurt, but then there are times she might think I'm being ridiculous. She can be a hard woman at times, other times, very soft. It all depends on who's on the other end. When my friend said she had a lump in her breast, my mother bluntly told her she should cut it off. Nice, huh? But last year when I had a cancerous lump removed from my breast, she fell apart in the waiting room.
Judy, hang in there honey...there's not a bridge high enough in my opinion!
Everyone, have a good day!
Love you all,
Sha
Later I went in the room and told her it was such a stupid thing for her to make such a big deal over. She said she had been thinking about me telling her I was going to buy her out of her addition and was very hurt by it. Now this was several weeks ago. She said she was going to a lawyer to have her house put in her name. I told her that was impossible, that the house was in my name and it was my property, that if I did not want her there, I would have to give her the money she put into it, but that was it. She said we'll see about that. She also told me something is wrong with my mind that I want to argue all the time. If my husband would have heard what was going on, he would have thrown her out right then.
I have not gone in her side of the house since this evening, not even to check on them. I can see through the doors if they are in there and they must be staying in the bedrooms. What should I do tomorrow. Stay on my side of the house and don't even check on them. I am not going to take this abuse any more. My husband says I should just ignore her, but it is hard. She is trying to make me believe its me and not her.
I am so sad and disappointed, but kind of knew this wouldn't work. Oh, and she also said that if I died tomorrow she would still stay here on her side of the house. I said, I don't think my husband would go for that idea, he would pay you off and ask you to leave.
Love,
Marylynne
Just for someones reference make sure the company you hire is a participating member of medicare. I hired them because they said they would take my Dad's insurance and now that we are done with the service they want to pass the insurance paperwork to me. I said I don't handle the paperwork so after extensive calls to medicare they said the agency has to file the claim they can't just send me a bill.
Donna I agree that Mom sounds like she is too much to handle. When are you going to draw the line?
Cindi good to hear from you sounds like you are waving the white flag stand your ground don't give in too soon.
Marylynne hope your day has been good.
Thinking of all of you girls, oxoxoxox Judy
When i read about what you felt about your daughters tears in the email, i wonder if our moms ever felt that way about us? what do you think sharon? sorry bout the cat, they are really family members, like it or not, we all love our pets.
Marylynne, i was so afraid that the seperation of the households would not work for you. Now is the time to call your siblings in for a meeting and see what they want to do, maybe it is their turn to take care of mom and dad for a while, or find a decent nursing home for them. It is ruining your life, as my mom ruins mine. still no answer for these mean spirited old witches. damned lawn growing. hotter than hell. gonna call boy to mow, and i dont care how close he gets to the fence or if he picks up bits of paper or limbs. just mow the danged grass. never would be good enough for her anyway. love yougirls, Donna
God Bless honey.
Sha
I have been dealing with craziness the past few days. I have had many meetings about my dad. Therapist, dacotos, financial advisor, and so on. The re-hab wants to keep him for a few more weeks. We have decided to put him in assisted living because he is in no condition to come home. That is all he wants to do, come home. I am heart broken. I feel defeated and so does he. I cry everyday now. My son has tried to be brave, but he is only 9. He cries every night. I am a fixer by nature. In this situation I feel lost.
Yesterday was my husbands 40 birthday. I brought cupcakes to work as a surprise for him( my son and I were a surprise too) It didn't feel right without my dad there to celebrate with us.
Marylynne I want to give you a big hug and make it all go away.
Sorry I'm such a downer right now.
On a funnier note:
My friend colored my hair, HOLY COW!!! I wasn't prepaired for what came out of the towel. I NORMALY have mousy brown hair, I don't ANYMORE. It is a burnt seina now. I think I like it, not sure yet. Not much I can do if I don't. ha,ha\
HELP ME!!!
Love, Cathy
I hope this new day brings the promise of a good day for everyone.
Marylynne and Donna, your mothers and my mother sound like they were cut from the same cloth! I wonder what would happen if they all met one another? Would they have a b*tch session about us? It's kind of fun to think about, gives me something to be amused about and take my mind off other things.
Right now I'm a little worried about my daughter's cat. My daughter has been in the Navy for 3 years and left her cat, "P", in my care. Well, for the last couple of days, P has not been acting well at all. He's not eating. He already had some health issues. We are quite sure he has a tyroid problem because no matter how much he eats, he looks positivley anorexic.(I wish I had that problem) He has also stopped grooming himself and now is loaded with matts. But all in all, he's a good little cat. He's company for my mother too along with my 10 year old Cocker Spaniel, Oliver. I have let my daughter know of his condition and I can tell by her email reply there are tears in her eyes. Knowing that breaks my heart as well. I hate to see my daughter sad. She has been out to sea and is pulling in today. Being out to sea can make you feel so helpless when there is something going on in the family, even if it's a cat.
Sorry I got off the "mother" subject for a while. I know what difficult lives you all lead and a sick cat is the least of your worries. But I feel so close to you all that I want to share everything that goes on in my life, not just about Mom.
Love to all,
Sha
Had a migraine last night that kept me awake all night. When I woke up this morning dad was already starting his shit. I had had enough and started b*tching that I haven't had a life in 20 years and I am damn sick of this. Of course, my mom played the guilt card. I did it for my mother and so on and so on. I told her that is this the kind of life she wants for me, is the same she had. Of course, what she did for her mother don't amount to anything, BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T DRIVE. She did not have to take her to the dr. or pharmacy and she didn't live with her and her father was dead. PLEASE COMPARE SOME OTHER WAY MOM!!!!
I told her there was just no winning with them and I could literally not stand it any more. She said the last 20 years was in the past and she don't know why I keep bringing it up. I told her that its in the past, but its still going on. How long do I have to do this?
She shut up for a while and then started all over again this evening. What does she not get, I have a rapid heart beat and am having a nervous breakdown. We also went shopping for school shirts with my 12 year old and she had to ask how much the shirts were to the man. I told her why? Is she paying for them?
I can't stand them any more and the house is not doing a bit of good. She has something negative to say about everything. Not one positive thing. God I hate her, and guess what? Dad told her this morning that I have been wishing her dead. Of course, she doesn't understand anything he says, so it didn't matter, but he turned on me too.
Cindi, Did you feel the Earthquake, was wondering?
Will get back to you soon,
Love,
Marylynne
I was just outside with Mom ann all she did was b*tch about the guy that cuts the grass. She's not happy that he doesn't close the fence right, he doesn't do this, he doesn't do that. Oh, shut up! I had to come in. Thank God I have my girls I can vent to. She's such a pain in the ass sometimes. I really do wish her health would decline so I could stick her in a nursing home and be done with it.
Donna, my dear, with your mother in the state that she's in, a nursing home might be something for you to think about. She's getting worse and you can be doing this day in and day out. It comes to that point that you just can't do it.
Cindi, I go through that shit all the time. Read above about the lawn. Jesus, she's got to complain about EVERYTHING. Not a moment goes by that she doesn't b*tch about something. I can't stand it. I'm ready to throw myself off a bridge. God help me.
Love you girls,
Sha
Wrote a big long letter and it got deleted somehow. So here's what going on real short. Daughter home for a week. Anniversary was on Monday 23rd...went out to a new place for us, expensive but good! Saw "Dark Night" movie. Husband like it...me it was okay. Sis here all the time still. Getting closer to moving into an apartment. Feel bad for her, ex fiancee being impatient with her. Mom having trouble with sister, doesn't like the way she acts. Mom and I take turns on having hard times with sister. Hanging in there too. What are we hanging in there for I wonder? Always hanging in there for things to be better. For me it seems like it isn't better just different. I think I am not going to hang in there anymore. Just accept it is the way it is and I only have now...so my now is it. Had carpet cleaned today. Mom complained that it was done so late. Usually have it done in the am. This time in pm. I like my carpet man he has been cleaning my carpets for many years. Excuse my momentary romantic reverie..(laughing)
Okay back to my reality...
Hugs
hope you all are doing okay
Cindi
I have had some very trying days lately. first of all my mom has been sick. then she is imagining things and doing wierd things. i took her to the doctor yesterday to try to find out what is going on that makes her feel so dizzy and weak.He said living 90 years. He said she is in remarkably good health for her age, and could, and probably would live another 10 years. I am sorry to say this, but my heart fell, cant go another 10 years with this woman.
Yesterday the day started off with a bang. she had wet the bed, and i had to take every thing off the bed, including an egg crate and wash it all. hung egg crate on the clothesline and sprayed it with the water hose, hoping to get rid of the smell. then came in and gave her a bath got her dressed for doctor appt. then, went for appt. had to go by pharmacy, since they changed her medication. came home, fixed her lunch and she ate, then went and laid down on her bed, since i had just got it made up. she went to sleep at about 2pm and didnt awake until around 530.. she got up and made coffee, and asked me how come my son had company so early in the morning? i said, it s evening now. she said, dont try to fool me, i know it is morning, i just got up. i said ok. let it go at that. she kept trying to argue with me about the time of day, and i ignored her. Then at around 9pm she took her night time meds. I asked her if she was going to bed and she said no, she wasnt ready. i said ok. she sat in her recliner and went to sleep. i woke her up and told her to go to bed, she was asleep in the chair, and she said no, i am not ready. i said ok. then about 2 minutes later, my significant other said, donna, you had better do something. i looked and she had taken off her blouse, right in front of him. something she would never have done in the past. I then insisted on her getting ready for bed. went to put her pajamas on, and she had a messy depend, soooooooooo here we go again,. had to bathe her again. get her dressed and put her in the bed. She got up this morning, acting fairly sensible, but as the day has gone on she has become more confused and far out. My son has a friend who has two little kids. they only live 2 houses down. She thinks that the girl wants her to baby sit the kids. I have heard her rave on about it for 2 hours now. I finally told her that there was no way that julie would have her babysit, so just forget it. she got very angry with me and started again about she was not goingh to babysit,.. back to the hatred. she is driving me nuts. i am tired, and my arms and shoulders are sore from lifting her in and out of the bathtub and the bed. God give me strength and patience to handle this. love, donna
I suggest that when anyone has a disagreement with a family member that you don't just think of yourself you think of your children.
But like I told my Dad they don't call me they call an Aunt in the family for information and I am the one taking care of him, I have no issues with them.
Judy
havent posted in a few days because it has been bad here. Mom is entering stage 2 alzheimers and has become almost unable to walk, paired with the potty accidents, i have stayed pretty busy and tired. Wonder of all wonders, she told my sister in law that she didnt know what she would do if she didnt have me.
Said i worked hard all the time keeping all the house clean and clothes clean and putting up with her. lol. made me feel better anyway, that she finally realizes that i do take care of her, and very well too.
Marylynne, my little sis, hope you are doing ok with the heat and mom and everything. Hope you can make it. I have worried so much about you, with your nerves being so frazzled.
Cindi, miss your uplifting postings. Hope all is going well and sister is moving into apartment soon. so your life can get back to some semblance of "normal".
Sharon, i feel the way you do, will never expect my sons to take care of me in my old age.
Judy, hang in there. It is just a "thing".
Love all of you,
Donna
Hope today is not one of those "bang-your-head-against-the-wall" days.
Marylynne, I agree with Maria, it might do you much good if you had someone from the outside to talk to. I'm here for you anytime you want to vent but sometimes it's good to have an outsider's perspective. I care about you and all my new friends here. :)
Judy, OMG, I know how you feel with the situation between your step siblings and your Dad. It seems like you're in the middle without even trying. That crap happens to me all the time. My oldest brother lost his home to foreclosure and has rented another home. I know everything that happened but my mother doesn't. But she constantly brings it up as if to try to get information from me. I think she's hoping I'll slip up one day and it will come out. But here I am AGAIN....in the middle. If she finds out I knew the whole time...she'll flip! I can hear her now, "Why don't my kids tell me anything?" OK Ma, I'll tell you why....because you b*tch at us like we were children and point out all our shortcomings, so there, how's that? We DON'T want to hear it.
As God as my witness, I'll never do these things to my daughter. I only hope she realises how lucky she is.
Love you all,
Sha
My sister lives in California and only comes here a couple times a year.We never lived in the same house together they are at least 20 years older then me.
So she wanted to apologize to my dad in person.
I guess eveything went well and he can't say anything to my mom. But I am afraid he will slip and say something and the #### will hit the fan and my Aunt will be in big trouble. Along with me because I knew about it too.
Marylynne glad you were able to get out. Tell them to go to their own rooms if they are going to fight.
I guess the fortune cookie means that we are suppose to suck it up.
Cindi thinking about you.
Donna I think about the short years I will have my boys home for time flies when they get to high school.
Be strong girls oxoxoxo Judy
Had a nice time at the dance, but the next morning theres always hell to pay for having a good time. I'm with Sha, What is the secret on how to feel happy when you are so bitter, I too,, do not know how to make it stop. Told hubby that I need a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. Need someone to tell me how to handle all this stress.
Mom ran out of her pain pills, been trying to call pharmacy and dr's. You know how that goes. Going to an Aunt's house to pick up two pills to get her buy. Mom and Dad are fighting this morning. Can't stand it any more. Am having panic attacks when I wake up and when I have to take them to the Dr. and When I have to go to the pharmacy. It's all the things I hate that are making me sick and they just don't understand.
How do you make the know that it is them doing this to us?
Love,
Marylynne