Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

lzy, i guess you can look at it from whichever way you want to, but to me, grneyz was just putting us all down, trying to make herself look like a hero. I, too, have been in the situation she is in. I attended classes on "giving the elderly back their dignity". hey, that is fine, but, we are not talking about her. or her situation, she doesnt have full time care giver duties, and she is judging those of us who do? Yes, i attacked her and will continue to do so. I had difficult patients, in fact was in charge of all alzheimers patients, but going there for an hour or so, is so much much different than being with it all the time. You are entitled to your opinion, however, as much as i am to mine, but i dont appreciate the comment about being like our mothers that is just wrong.

I can identify with most of the comments in all of the previous entries. Our situations although varied are mostly identical at some point or another. Why the attack on grneyed? she was only trying to help lift our spirits. Some of you attacked her like you were your mothers...hmm.

I live in VA.

Donna, Cindi is right about not giving her, her way, but.....If my mom ask to come with me, I can't refuse her, I couldn't hurt her feelings. So, I do the same thing. I cancel whatever I have planned and do something with her to appease her. We do alot of appeasing.

Hey, I counted my doctor appoints for the year, so far, I have 25. Cindi, I think you got me beat for this month.

Love you girls,

Marylynne

Donna,
I think we should all meet up somewhere and have a meeting...caregivers unite!
Anyways, donna giving your mom her ways when she acts up is only gonna reinforce her to continue doing it. I say go out with the gf and get nails done next time! She will be okay...hire someone if you need to...
Took Mom to her dentist today. She had her bottom denture aligned (?)...and she has a sore on her gum now so they squeezed her in. This makes the 11th medical/dr/pt appt this month! Anyone else gone more this month? Laughing..what else can I do!

Hugs
Cindi...and yes, I am in CA

my dear friends, and my new friend Toni, I thank you all for standing up for and agreeing with me on the "thriving lives" of our parents. It meant a lot to me.
Another wonderful day for me. was going to get my nails done this morning with a friend, when i told her that i was going with friend, she had a fit. Said, i want to go too. I called my friend back and told her that i could not go today. I could not take her with me, because, she would have a ringtailed hissy about me spending money to have my nails done. Sooooo, i took her out to the mall, to big lots, to petsmart to get crap for her aquarium.Then to my favorite of all, wally world. She says that i walk too fast, i feel like i am moving at a snails pace. Just more of my impatience, i guess. She started telling me a story in the car on the way back, and it didnt make any sense at all. I said, I dont know what you are talking about, and she said, you are trying to make me think i am losing my mind, and i know what i am talking about. I said, no, probably me losing my mind cause i sure as heck dont know what you are talking about. then she sulled up and wouldnt talk to me the rest of the trip. been home for about 30 minutes and i am enjoying the silence. Judy, i am so sorry that you are missing out on so much of your sons, the same with marylynne and cindi. i know cindi must live in california, marylynne in louisiana, i am in oklahoma, where are the rest of u? love you all, and very much appreciate the input from you all. Donna

grn eyed, That was it thriving lives, our parents didn't have to do what we do. They didn't do dr appts every week for their parents, or take care of their parents. Lives are longer now and we feel obligated, but what about the obligation to our own families that we planned, I have two sons and I planned to spend quality time with them. We are missing out on what is supposed to be, Husband, children and ourselves. My mother did wrong by not taking care of herself and now she cannot properly care for my father, she chose to stop driving but did she think about what would happen if she stopped. Some things happen accidently which lead to long term care, alot is expense if the homes for the ederly didn't cost so much maybe some of us would have a normal life, believe me our parents don't want to live with us as much as we don't want to live with them.
I will be proud one day to say I took care of my Dad, my mother on the other hand dissappoints me. Like everyone's Mother here. When you have to quit your job and you can't do things with you child you will think differently. Judy

Hi Marylynne, Judy, Donna, Shari, Tony and anyone else I missed. I agree with Marylynne and Donna, Grn's comments irritated me too. I was reading what you said, Marylynne and you know what? My dad's doctor and many others have said the same thing to me about the reward. I told the dr. I don't think there is any guarantee about that reward. I don't even do it for the dang reward. I do it because I think it is the right thing to do. Also, noone else will do it at least not as much or as good care that I will give and according to the personalities involved (meaning my mom mostly). Actually, maybe I make it too easy. My siblings would have and have put down their foots long ago. That is why my mother was asked to leave my brother's house. Yet, she has no ill feeling toward him. Marylynne, all those things you missed out on hun, the vacations etc...you should have done some of them. That might be why you are so resentful to Mother and even Father. You gave too much and received so little in return. Not that you wanted alot. I learned that when we give too much, when we give over ourselves it is never a good thing for us. Kind of not far to those we are resentful to because they didn't ask for us to give so much. Although they didn't say to stop either! In fact they accepted it all! They even learned to demand it after awhile! And so, here we are all of us in these shoes. But, we had our part in casting the mold. So, maybe it is our turn to take our turn! Take good care of our parents and take care of ourselves too! Hire someone in, ask those siblings for help and if they don't make sure parents know that too...Hah! Get those parents to pay for some help so you can get out. Ask siblings for money to pay for helpers. We need VACATIONS! As I wrote last night my mother is trying to sabotage me and discourage me anytime I want to go. I told her in six months I have gone overnight once with hubby. And, I used saved up caregiving money to pay it! I am going to Lake Tahoe in June from the 22nd and come home evening on the 24th. She is gonna have a sh*t attack! She already is...and I am going to have her pay for it too! If she doesn't like it she can get someone else to do this job for free. How's that? I told her yesterday and I will repeat it as many times as I need to like a broken record. I cannot do what I do if I cannot take time off and even go for weekends etc or on vacation with my husband. She might as well find somewhere to go and also somewhere for my dad cause I cannot do it and I will not do it. They (she) doesn't care if I am beat up spent out and have no soul left as long as she doesn't have to pay more money, or have to endure the inconvience of a caregiver being here. WEll, sorrryyyyyyyyy. I need a life too! At least some life! I mean, hoover dam it...you have me ...I do everything do you want my blood and soul too?! Give me a break. Do these parents have any mercy? Or is it always all about them??? I just don't understand it. I guess there is no understanding narcissitic, self centered people some of whom are even a bit crazy (mentally/emotionally ill) Well I give up understanding, just give me or allow me or heck don't allow me but I am going to take what is my god given right and I will not feel guilty. I owe it..and yes, you mothers owe it to us!
Guess I feel really passionate about this, huh girls?

Love and Hugs to all...even our parents who have no understanding or compassion for our plight...
Cindi

Girls, I'm having trouble doing paragraphs, so if you see a bunch of mumbo, jumbo, thats where I tried to make a paragraph. Anyway, grneyedshewolf made me aggravated. You know, I do see the other side of the coin, I really do, but I know that I would be more like the old lady, sorry I can't remember her name, that gave her opinion, when asked. Didn't ask to be taken any where, unless asked and so on, and so on. It is a privilege to live with caregivers such as us. We take pride in keeping our parents, clean, healthy and fed. I know that in 20 years, my dad still looks the same, even though very disabled. We get them their haircuts, bathe them, cut fingernails, toenails, and other jobs that we don't think are very nice. My dad drools all over the floor, toilet and makes such a mess when he eats, that I makes me sick just to rinse out the rag he uses to wipe his mouth. I have cleaned out dentures full of food that I literally had to run it to the sink without looking at it. Everyone is different and everyone has a different tolerance level to what they can handle. Unfortunately, I have met my level and so has all the other girls. We wouldn't be venting, if we had some kind of regular existence. We are not allowed to have picnic lives. Thats the kind of lives our siblings have. Everyone tells me I will have my just reward in heaven, well I WANT IT NOW. I believe in heaven, I just want to have a chance to have a life with my child and husband. My other child is already grown and tells me that she understands why I couldn't do things that normal mothers did, but it still makes me feel bad. No family vacations, Couldn't go to any over night stays for dance teams, etc. So, if you haven't walked in our shoes, don't state your opinion so strongly. Love to all my friends and new friends.

Marylynne

Hi Girls, I am back from the casino! Mother made her deposit, and I made a small one too. Mom likes Vegas better but was glad she got out for awhile. Of course she talked a lot on that 3 hour drive to and from. So, today we get into when am I going to go to Lake Tahoe with my husband? Who is going to take care of Dad? How much? Why do I have to go SO much?! If she knew my sister wasn't going to take care of my father at times like this, she would never have moved in. I told her what difference would it have made if she hadn't moved in I still would have had to hire someone to take care of dad! I told her that in nearly 6 months that she has been with us I have taken off once overnight with husband! And, I did not ask for extra money to pay for it. I schrimped my weekly 8 hours/24 hrs total for the month. Yes, one whole day off a month woohoo! I saved it up so I could pay the overnight and not ask her for more money. I told her, remember I told you mom that my sister was probably not going to take care of dad in the long run (when I go out) and I would need you to pay for the extra time I leave. Anyways, she doesn't like me to go and I told her so also I said that if I didn't have my weekly time off and am able to go away sometimes, then I can't do it! I can't take care of dad or her. Because I will go crazy. I told her might as well put dad somewhere and go where she needs to go cause I can't do it. I need my time off! I told her even when you have a job you get one or two weeks vacation! If she didn't have any money it would be different. I know she has enough to help out this way. Anyways, Tony, welcome! Grn, I understand where you are coming from trying to get us (caregivers) to see the other side of the coin. However, it is not our job. I know if we live long enough we will also have our share and our own burdens, experience to live. But, it is not our childrens job or any one else's job unless they are paid to take on their emotional issues, physical issues, mental issues and any other issues they may have. WE are trying to HELP! Do not bite the hand that feeds you. We might just give you to someone else so they can feed you (and get paid and more respect!). So, until you take care of your mom 24/7 and have no life outside of that I would be careful what I say right here. Donna, dear, I know Grn angered you...you know how it is...always someone who tries to show us the other side. But she went too far. This is our place to gripe...for those who don't like it...too bad.

Cindi

I just want to thank you all for such a great welcome! As I stated before I am really glad I found such a great group of ladies to talk to. It's 8:15am and I am getting ready to take my mother to the hospital. She needs a chest x-ray done and a doppler of her right leg. Her right leg has been swollen and her doctor wants to make sure she doesn't have a clot. I will keep you posted.

As for GRNEYEDSHEWOLF--as stated above--if you haven't walked in our shoes then you have no right to make such comments. I would have never in my dreams guessed that I would have to take care of my mother 24/7 let alone have her live with me. I can not even work outside the home because my mother can not be left alone!

dear grneyedshewolf,
you definitely stepped on my toes with the above letter. you have no earthly idea what we go thru with day after day with these ungrateful old people. you have a job, you are being paid. i had a job too, and raised 4 boys on my own, so dont beat your drum too loudly. oh and by the way----i was a home health aide and worked some for hospice as well, but, let me tell you lady, it is not the same as having it 24./7. sorry, but you did make me a little angry with your holier than thou attitude, and i dont need it.

While I am NOT having to take care of a parent full time I do help with my mother but I also raise a 12 yr old on my own and I do hospice care. I get the patients that no one wants to deal with and even though your parents say things that may hurt your feelings and such know this if it were the other way around and all of a sudden someone else had to wipe you when you have an accident grind your food wash you take ever ounce of dignity that you have away then you might be a little bit bitchy as well....... I know that it is hard what you all do and have to go through but step back and remember that at one time all these parents had thriving lives and one day it was all gone from them and that alone is enough to make anyone bitter

HI everyone!! Toni, welcome to our group. this is as close as it gets to going to a therapist, and we have such closeness here. we know each other by now, and how our parents react, it is nice to be here.. cindi, good luck in your casino visit. Judy, always someone elses fault, never theirs,. usually it is my fault in my moms case. Marylynne, hon, i know it is an unappreciated job. You really do not deserve it. My gosh, just throw him the phone and a baloney sandwich and run. that way, he would have a reason to complain. My mom is on one of her feel sorry for me kicks today. says she has to sit by herself all day every day. well, i am here, but absolutely refuse to sit in there and watch soaps and game shows with her and what i know to talk about, i have already said, so i do my regular chores and play on the computer.it is her fault that she is alone without any friends. She never wanted friends outside of her sisters. they are all gone now, so it is just her. She has alienated the grandkids, so it is just me, and my son who lives here. And, she has almost alienated the two of us as well. i am tired, exhausted and tired of being expected to give up my life for her. ok enough whining for today. love to all of u, donna

dear friends, today, I was scolded by my father for not leaving him a phone when I left the house yesterday for a couple of hours. Before I leave to run errands, I make him a grand lunch, a pistalette santwich heated in the oven, some kind of desert that I baked the day before and some munchies. Two glasses of ice cubes, because he can't get to the refrigerator and a glass of drink and usually the phone. He balled me out for the phone this morning and I told him that I was only human and can forget things. I did not ask for this 20 year position. I could have worked and been retired by now with a pension coming in. How dare they blame you for the smallest things. This is not our job in life, I should be able to come and go as I please, go on vacations when I want, sh--t, go anywhere when I want, but I can't. I feel so unloved and so disrespected over this tiny thing. But, theres 100's of tiny things every day they are so unappreciative about. Thats what its all about appreciation.

Love to all you girls and Toni you and I are the same age. When will this end.

Marylynne

Glad to have you join us Toni, we have alot in common and we are happy to share the troubles that we have. Cindi good luck at the casino $$$$ Marylynne, Donna Shari, Peg and Rondak I hope your week has been better and less stressful.
My mother told me its the dr's. fault that she is crippled, first off she isn't crippled just stiff and I told her the doctor didn't make her. And if she didn't want the surgery she had to clean out her artery then she should have said NO. She would blame Jesus if she could. She should look at those that are worse off then her and think how much better she has it.
Dad is good complains his back hurts have an appt on Tuesday for the therapy doctor. Got grocery shopping to do. OXOXOX judy

Hi Toni and welcome. All of us know exactly what you are going through. We are here whenever you need to vent or just need to know you are not alone. Everyone here is very supportive. Some of us are convinced that we have the same mother! Hang in there and let us know how things are going.

Your friend,
Shari

First I want to say that I am so thankful that I found this great group of ladies. After reading all the posts I just cried. I thought I was the only one going through all of this and now I see I am NOT alone.

I am 46 and my mother officially moved in with us May 2007. She has been living with us on and off after each of her hospital stays but changed her address officially in May.

She is 77 and has a heart condition, osteoporsis, diabetes, history of strokes and mini strokes, stage 4 kidney failure and internal bleeding. I am sure I missed a few other things.

I am home with her 24/7 and at times all I can do is cry. Since this past January she has fallen in our home many times and now has to use a walker ALL of the time. We had to give her our bedroom and my husband made a room for us in our basement. Since she is sick most of the time I always sleep on the couch upstairs so I can hear her if she needs help. I am sure that can not be good for any marriage! My mother does nothing all day long. She gets up goes on the recliner and sleeps-and that makes me so angry at her at times because you have to want to get better to get better and I just think she is giving up.

My kids ages 19 and 24 have been great with our situation and I have already told them that I would NEVER do this to them--they both know to put me in a home! I thank GOD for my husband everyday because he is my rock. He says if he would have to this again he would, I on the other hand have told him and my family that I would not. Like the rest of you I have no life beyond my home. She can not be left alone and my sisters(6 of them) and one brother are of no help. My brother takes her to church but brings her right back--how about keeping her for the day at least! My one sister will take her on a saturday for a few hours and thats it.

I know this is long and I am sorry for that. I just want to say thank you for sharing your stories with me and I am glad that I found all of you. Toni

Hi Girls. Hope you are all doing okay. Tomorrow I am taking my mother to an indian gaming casino 3.5 hours away for overnight. Had some rough days with her earlier this week so hoping this will turn out alright. She loves to play slot machines so hope she enjoys herself. I offered to take her. We were going to go to Vegas but she changed her mind. Husband will take care of father and her bird. Been so exhausted lately. Have a good weekend.

Love,
Cindi

Hey girls, Just wanted to run this at you. Mom has backache every day at same time. Today, just because she has been staring at her new teeth all morning, hasn't had a sign of backache. Think it is all mind over matter? Notice everytime something else is bothering her, backache seems to disappear. Am going to keep track of this from now on. Love, Marylynne

cindi, not sure if mom has alzheimers' or if it is senile dementia, doctors cant make a diagnosis at this time. it doesnt matter what it is, she is 'different'. i am always so glad she is in bed, has been going at about 7 in the evening and staying til about 9 in the mornings. should be ashamed of myself, but i dread her getting up and starting her everlasting grumbling and scowling and talking negatively about everyone and everything. all we have here is each other, and tho others would look at our postings and think we were whiny babies, we do understand each other so well. There is a scientific name for the problem we have. it is called caretaker abuse by the elderly. They are unhappy with their lives and do everything that is possible to make us unhappy with ours, altho they know tht we are thier last chance. Now i have youngest son, nephew, and next youngest son pleading with me to puther in a nursing home. it may happen soon. love, donna

Marylynne and Donna: Donna why must we be "good kids" to bad parents or bad mothers (just a thought) I mean where does it say we have to or should do that? It seems like it has been an ongoing history among these mothers that they have never really been very nice, and difficult to please, critical, negative and want to be taken care of. We are the mothers to these mothers. Not right. We have been shortchanged of the proper mothering and nurturing but we are expected by them to take care of them no matter what. WE also expect this from ourselves. Now that our mothers are older, and feeble we feel we have to be there for them while in truth we have ALWAYS been there for them even when they were younger it just has gotten worse. I know when I chose to have my mother live with us that I was choosing over myself (meaning it was not in my best interest). But, I felt somebody had to take care of this woman and she was best taken care of living with me. But, nothing prepared me for this selfless sacrifice. Because it is already difficult to take care of them then they are harder on us or hurt us by their criticism and complaints we just about burst with resentment. I think to myself..why? Maybe I need to speak up more. Maybe things need to be more the way I like them and quit doing things to make it easier on her emotionally yet harder on me. Either way it is hard. I mean if she doesn't like it she can choose to move, right? I won't be unreasonable. I will just not let her be unreasonable. If she is unreasonable I will just tell myself that it is her mental illness that makes it this way and I don't have to succumb to making it easier or better for her and then I'll do what I think is right or fair. Donna does your mother have altzheimer...I mean if she does at least she has an excuse. I will try to get a grip....rolling these things over in my mind. Marylynne, my mother was in a senior residence. It is like apartments for active seniors who have no problems. While she was there my father lived with me due to his altzheimers and to the fact that she said she could not and would not take care of him on her own. They use to fight all the time. She could not grasp the concept of his altzheimer and she would complain, criticize and he would argue back. My sister had to call the police on them once.

Well, tomorrow is another day....Pray I will...I am trying to seek an answer.

Cindi

Dear Cindi and Donna,

I have been where ya'll are since August. I feel like absolutely running away for good. No matter what I do, it will never be enough for the horrible woman. You know, I always knew she was selfish, but just didn't want to admit it, until she lived with me. I'm trying that agreeing with everything she says thing, but its not good for my soul. I feel like I'm giving up a part of me to please everyone. Cindi, you have such a way with words. Everything you write is exactly the way I feel. Every my mom gets out of my site, I wish her dead. I know God is going to punish me, but I can't help it. My father is a different story. He wants to live as long as possible, and I can understand that. No one wants to die. But, why would he want to live in the condition he is in. All he does is eats, sleeps and sh--ts. How can he wake up every morning and still want to go on, when I don't. I don't understand it.

The truth of the matter is, our parents are well satisfied being with us. It gives them a reason to live and go on, when all it does for us is makes us miserable. If we had someone who appreciated it, it would be much easier to handle. Cindi, where was your dad when your mom was in a home. Did he live with you? It seems our dad's, however more disabled, is easier to handle and take care of.

I love you all and hope tomorrow is a better day, although for me, got a feeling tomorrow will be evil. Everytime Mom feels even a little good, she gives me more trouble that day.

Love you,
Marylynne

cindi, i have been exactly where you are for weeks, wondering why i go on? why do i take the mental and verbal abuse? for my health? No, be cause we were raised to think that good kids take care of their elderly parents. My mom gets farther out in space day by day. She will start to tell me something and wants me to fill in the blanks, when i dont know what she is talking about in the first place. then gets mad at me because i dont know. Yesterday evening i was fixing something to eat, and i had some frozen tater tots laid out on the counter. she came in and started peering into the package that contained them, then, to my surprise, took a couple of the frozen tater tots out of the package and started gnawing on them. I said, you do not eat frozen tater tots. She looked at me and defiantly said,"i will if i want to." well, i watched her try to eat them as long as i could stand it, then i said, throw that away, you cannot eat frozen food. Then i got tickled and started laughing. she said, "you treat me like i am crazy". And stormed out. i could not help laughing, it was so nutty. every day is beginning to be an adventure. wondering and waiting for the next thing that happens that makes it my fault that she has dementia, alzheimers, or whatever it is. And i know exactly how you feel about being made to feel that what you do is never good enough, i have the same problem, i swear i have been trying to please this woman alll of my life and win her favor and it has never and never will happen. just get a grip, maybe tomorrow will be better. Donna

Hello Everyone. 11:00am and I'm already fed up! It could actually be funny I suppose if it didn't involve me and was written into a comedy act. All I can say is that I have known a person such as my Mother. I have heard about them through my caregiver friends here in regards to your own Mothers. I say Lord have mercy on us all we need it. Why? I want to know why? Why do I take care of, please etc a Mother who is undeserving. At what point do I say enough is enough and we do it all my way or too bad? My brother had mom for 6 months she tried to have her way tried to have him do it her way and in the end she was asked to leave. He gave in as much as he could (he is not very accomodating unlike stupid me). She wants it all her way. She believes her way is the right way...the way it should be. Maybe it makes her more comfortable to have it her way so she can control it. I am so tired of having to handle her emotional/psychological issues. It is wearing me thin. I think I need a session with my counselor. She needs me she should do it my way. Not me trying to please her and never reaching the goal. I am going nuts. Trying to please a person whom there is no pleasing. I feel like a mouse in a maze. Trapped. I need to find a place or level ground where I try to accomodate her, try to please or at least not displease...and then if she is not okay with it, let it go. I don't know how to do it without it affecting me. My Mother is the most critical, and I mean the most critical person I have ever known. She is also highly complaintive. Judgemental, insensitive but highly sensitive herself. I am so glad today I am leaving at 1:00, caregiver is coming over from 1-5pm when husband will come home. Gonna make myself scarce. The irony is that she is so unaware. She does not know what havoc and ill feelings, anger and hurt she causes. How can anyone be that blind and indifferent. But say something to her and it's martyrdom. She acts like she is the only one that can be hurt. Noone can stand her for long not when they get to know her. She calls them bad and doesn't see her part. God, help me. I am with you girls, what will be left of my soul after this is all said and done. After she is gone. Hate to say it but it is true. Times like this when she acts up more I am beside myself don't know what to do, where to turn, where to scream. There is nothing anyone can do for me. Either I accept and cope or I put her out. If I put her out I am the bad guy. How Could I do that to her she would say. My brother is off the hook he only has to handle her finances. It is us, women here who suffer and we are so undeserving of suffering. How much do we take all in the name of love? Who loves us? Not them...not the way they should the way we would deserve after all we go through and put up with, handle..etc. I cleaned her bathroom, dusted and vacuumed her room, set out all her morning pills, did some laundry for her just to be told these words "Cynthia I am surprised didn't you learn how to cook? I thought you knew how to make spareribs and blackbean sauce. You made it too salty. Put way too much blackbeans in it. It even tasted bitter." Then later, she speaks about my sister in law (brothers wife) whom she dislikes...but for some reason was singing praises about her cooking a dish that I gave her the recipe to make. She says "Trina makes reallllllll good curry chicken now. She boils it though don't know why she does that..did you teach her to boil it? Oh yeah it is real good. She makes good salsa too (she likes salsa). Do you make curry chicken using chicken wings? ...(I've only made it like every month but she doesn't remember) So that was the final straw. I felt like you don't like my cooking. I don't know how to cook. Trina whom you dislike cooks a dish better then me even though I gave her the recipe. It was like eat sh*t bit*ch and don't eat my food anymore...cook for yourself. I do all that work for you to hear this BS. She is so undeserving, ungrateful, unappreciative and I am suffering for taking care of her and for what???? I'm not going to get anymore more money then the other siblings who don't do as much (if there is even any money left) I do this out of the goodness and kindness of my heart and all I get is BS and pain. She is nice sometimes but mostly not. The suffering I feel negates any good feelings she gives me..or any good feelings that I feel myself for doing what I do. So, somebody tell me why the he*l do I go on? How much more to take? For what reason? To be a good person??? Hope you all are doing better then me. I have to get out of here. She doesn't even know I am upset...I swear.

Hi Friends: Marylynne, yes it was nice getting away and experiencing something new with husband. I almost (key word almost) felt free...for a few hours anyways. It was physically challenging for me because of the many stairs but I made it okay. Husband thanked me for going with him. Did cost a lot of moola though for the caregiver will just have to do some shifting. Donna glad you had a fairly nice day with planting and mom watching. Glad the promenade went well and that you had help. Peg, hope you are doing okay. Judy thinking of you too wonder how weekend went. Congrats to son and his Eagle Scout award! Rhondak, if you want to take care of your mother as long as possible then I think that house you were thinking of buying is a good idea. My mother lived in a senior residence for active seniors but the assisted living was on the other side of the building. Got to see alot while she was there. My mother lived at the senior residence for 16 months before I brought her to live with me. I hear and read that it is best for them to live in their own residence for as long as they can..then with family as long as they can. So, if you want to take care of mom and can do it then it would be good for her. With the mental illness, and dementia you mentioned I don't know how long you can do it for but any time is good time. She will be taken care of better then anywhere else...But, it is very trying for sure.

My mother made me crazy this am I was a stressed wreck. Trying to get out the door with dad to his hematologist appt. Also, I am trying this new healthie way of eating. Had to go to store and buy all this food and it was just for today not sure if I can afford to eat like this. So was stressed trying to go to excercise, go to market, fix this unsual breakfast for myself, feed dad, bathe dad, and get to doctors by 10:45 all the while mom asking me a hundred questions! I was eating my breakfast in the car!...anyways....calmer pace right now thank god. I had to cancel Las Vegas room reservations cause mom decided not to go. Instead she wants to go to an Indian casino in Temula, CA.. So, made reservation for one night stay. Going to take her Friday. Having hubby take a vacation day to take care of dad. My Mother adores slot machines! She didn't get to go to Vegas last year. She use to go every 6 months. Husband is on phone now gotta go..have a nice day!
Hugs
Cindi

Hey Peg,

Keep your chin up and take comfort in Valentine. She may be what you need, unconditional love, and we are all here for you. Take care and keep posting what happens. You are a true tower of strength. If either of my parents ever hit me, I would have to put them away. You are inspirational.

Love, Marylynne

Rhondak, I don't know if you read any of my postings, but I did just what you are thinking of doing. I bought another home and am in the process of building on an additional apartment to it. The only difference is, I have my mom and dad, so they will both have to stay in the attached apartment. My mom, like yours is 80, pretty healthy, has some mental problems, lots of drama every day, needs to be center of attention and loves to tell my 12 year old what to do and corrects her every chance she gets. She has fought with me so many times since she lives with me, I hide in my room and cry, like a child. I have had my parents for the last two years since Hurricane Katrina, but helped out with my dad 20 years. He is the really ill one.

As an answer to your question, this was the only answer for me, and am hoping with all my heart it is going to work. Can't give you the real answer, haven't tried it out yet. Is she willing to go into the garage apt. in back of the house or is she going to fight with you to stay in the house? My mom fought with me to stay a part of the household, but I told her I needed it for my sanity. The two of them were too much to wake up to in the morning. Still having lots of problems waking up to this bad situation every day and I can't take antidepressants because of a fast heartbeat. Hope I was some help, but really won't know till addition to the house is done.

Actually, am renting the house I have sold so that we can all move together when addition is finished. Figured that if I brought them into the house before it was finished, would have had a hard time getting them to go into their separate space.

I say do it. What do you have to lose.

Love, Marylynne

Ladies, I have a question to pose. I am 35, have a 5 year old son at home who will start school in the fall. My mother has been with us 7 1/2 months and it is bringing me so far down my antidepressants are not working anymore. Here's my question. My mother has been in nursing homes in the past and dreads returning. She is just like your mothers in that she always has some drama/catastrophe in her life and has to be the center of attention. Last week, I felt (as I have many times in the past 7 months) I couldn't take anymore. She actually argued 2 times with my 5 year old son! I was considered the unconsiderable. An assisted living facility. Then, the house three doors down went up for sale. The beauty of that is there is a second, detatched garage with a bathroom that could easily be converted to a mother in law suite. It's more money than my house, but she would be in the backyard and not under my feet and I could still cook/shop/clean for her. My 5 year old would have the same friends, same neighborhood, etc. What do ya'll think? If you had this option, would you do it?

P.S. My mother is 75 and has no chronic disease except dementia (which is controlled well with meds), osteoporosis, OCD, and some mental illness but she is still sharp as a tack. And, the additional house payment would be about the same as what the assisted living would cost. What would you do? Need some insight from others in my spot please.

Peg, You have had it real hard. Things will work themselves out with the legal system stuff. And as for you not knowing what to do with yourself, I understand. My friends constantly ask me, after doing this for 20 years, what would you do if you didn't have them to take care of? The answer is, I DON'T KNOW!!!

Today took mom grocery shopping with me. She hates to go to the grocery, but won't stay home. Tell me girls, why do they insist on slowing us down. She forever, makes me leave wherever I am, because she either don't feel good or can't keep up. SO STAY HOME WHY DON'T YOU!!! She won't. She wants to take the ride.

I'm with you Donna, I know you had a wonderful promenade, but don't you just wish your mother would have stayed home. Luckily you found someone to help you. My daughter was in a festival contest and my mother and aunt came with me. Wound up having to carry 4 folding chairs for blocks on end. Then they both got overcome by the heat and had to get them to the car with the air condition and keep them drinking fluids till I could leave.

I am going to take whoevers advice it was, I can't remember, about agreeing with whatever they say. I think it does make them feel better, if I can only bite my tongue off!

Cindi, sounds like your day was good.

talk to ya'll later.

Marylynne