I'm reading on here that people are asking what they should be paid to take care of their aging or ill parents.
Am I NUTS to think that it's our responsibility to take care of our parents and family?
I more than gladly took care of my Mom when she was sick and dying, my Brother when he was sick and my husband when he was sick and dying. I hated that I had to, but I did it because I loved them all. My brother is fine. But now I no longer have my Mom and my Husband.
I would gladly do it all over. I wouldn't ask for a red cent to care for any of them or anyone else I care about.
It's supposed to be my Christian duty. But that's just my belief...
I guess im just crazy. ?? ..
But is that the way it's done now? We are supposed to charge our family to care for them???
If so.. what has this world come to?
Quite frankly, I find your post judgmental and unkind to those in situations that you can not fathom.
Getting paid or not has nothing to do with love or Christian duty.
Your obligation is to your children. Their obligation is to THEIR children, NOT TO YOU.
Parents are obligated, after their children are raised, to raise funds to care for themselves as they age. Not to burden the most free time of their own children's lives with their care.
As to Christian duty, it seems each Christian makes up the rules according to his own church's interpretation. As I am a non believer I am obligated not by any idea of a god dispensing rules, so I guess I am out on that one. I believer we have a moral obligation to our children TO BE SURE. And to ourselves to make the best life we can, and to give support we choose to give to those we choose to give it to.
You have made your choices. I honor your right to make your own choices. I am thrilled to hear you were happy in the choices you made and are comforted that you made them. You do not, however, make choices for the rest of the world. You certainly can hold opinions about it, and we appreciate hearing them.
Best out to you.
Don't make me repeat the father eagle carrying his eaglets across the raging waters story. All here are thoroughly bored with it, ha ha.
Who was paying your bills while you were doing all that? Not everyone has an endless amount of free money rolling in like you evidently did. People have to work and be paid to support (and insure) themselves.
Take that silver spoon out of your mouth and observe the real world sometime.
I think the problem here is the unconditional "should".
Should an adult child give up their livelihood, or their marriage, or raising their minor children in order to provide hand's on care for their parents?
What about mentally ill, abusive or abandoning parents?
If the parents has funds to replace the child's wage-earning ability, where is the problem with paying them for care?
We posters are from all over the world, with differing economic means and personal situations.
I could never have cared for my mom myself. I could not afford to give up paid work; I live in a tiny apartment; my mom and I were like oil and water most of the time. Fortunately, mom had the funds to private pay for various levels of care, including nursing home care for 4 1/2 years after a stroke.
I also did not have the medical training to detect when mom was suffering from UTIs, CHF symptoms or depression. She got far better care in the NH than she would have had at my incompetent hands.
It's others judging my opinion that is wrong, when they don't know my story or others stories.
And some people are just not made to be caregivers , that the way they where born , that is just the way life is. Society forcing someone to be a caregiver, that is just not a caregiver type of person, is a recipe for disaster, aging abuse, suicide, you name it
As far as Duty, I do nothing out of duty, I do what I do out of love, if my husband said it is my duty, to cook his meals, that will be the last meal I cook, untill he changes his perspective.
And another thing is people are living a lot longer, for a lot longer unhealthy than they ever use to.
When you decide to face reality that a bag of groceries that used to cost $20 now cost $65, and a gas and electric bill is now $300 a month, perhaps then you'll understand why unpaid caregivers need money to survive.
What the world has come to is that nobody can afford to live anymore. Unless you are super wealthy, which you must be for even posting such a question in the first place.
Verily unto WHOM did anyone say what about that?
Caregiving is a job , if someone quits their previous job to take care of a parent , they should be paid by the parent if possible . There are also some programs where they can be paid , varies by state .
But often that does not totally replace the lost income of the caregiver quitting their previous job .
The caregiver needs to have money to support themselves currently , as well as save for their own retirement .
I only worked part time and took care of my parents for over a decade . My parents refused to pay for or have strangers come in their home . I regret it . It severely reduced my income and retirement savings . I should have asked my parents to pay me what they weren’t willing to have a stranger come to the house and do for them . Why should my finances have suffered when they could afford to pay?
Yes , this is how it is these days . It’s not the 1950’s where one salary could support a household including a spouse , elders and potentially minors still at home .
I remember an article written in Forbes, decade ago, saying that if one gives up their paying job for caregiving, that over the years that person would lose $250,000 to $350,000 in earnings. Earnings included not only salary, but lost of social security and medicare deductions...
lost of health insurance paid by the company... lost of matched 401(k) made by the company.... lost vacation pay... lost sick day pay... lost of company sponsored life insurance... lost of paid education, etc.
I realize not all businesses offer this, mainly large corporations. And it is usually the woman, who had broken through glass ceilings, who is called into caregiving. And once the caregiving is oven, that person cannot find new employment due to physical and mental exhaustion of caregiving.
FloridaTentLady, I don't know how you did all that caregiving on your own. I wasn't hand-ons with my parents, just logistical because I wasn't caregiver material. And even that was unbelievable stressful.
I am Christian as well and NOWHERE in the Bible does it say that children must take on the care of their parents as they age. It does say to "honor your father and mother, so that it will go well with you" but honoring and caring for are 2 totally different things.
And it honestly doesn't say that it's our "Christian duty" either to take on the care of anyone we care about. That is a personal choice we make, and unless someone has walked in our shoes they have no right to judge what we do or don't do.
Now I do however have an issue when a spouse wants to be paid to take care of their spouse, as most of us when taking our vows said in sickness and health till death do us part, so to me that is a given that one will take care of the other out of love and not financial gain.
I took care of my late husband for 24 1/2 years of our 26 year marriage and the thought never crossed my mind that I needed to be paid for doing my wifely duties. That to me is absurd.
But on the flip side of that are the adult children that for whatever reason think they need to give up their good paying jobs to move in and care for their aging parent, and now find themselves without money and struggling to survive.
These children are not married to their parents, and no commitments/vows were made like the in sickness and in health, till death do us part, so often because of their ignorance of not thinking the whole situation through before giving up their jobs and lives, they do seek to be paid in some way to perhaps be able to put gas in their car and buy a few groceries.
And if that is the case then I really can't fault them for wanting to be paid, as that is the least a parent can do if a child has given up their life for them.
Which as a parent and grandparent I must say that I would NEVER, as in NEVER want my children or grandchildren taking on my care unless it's just a few days perhaps after a surgery. Otherwise I have told both of my children that they will never do for me what I had to do for my late husband, and yes I have that in writing.
Our children deserve to have their own lives without the stress of caregiving. And since you yourself have been a caregiver for several family members now, you already know that it is the hardest job there is, hands down.
I don't wish that on the ones I love the very most.
It is a personal choice for each of us to make as we take this journey of life, but like I said already, unless you have walked in someone else's shoes, you have absolutely no right to judge.
"Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you were supposed to do because you brought me into this world, and from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me, like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules."
Mother with dementia needed care 24/7. So did my 3 children.
Please explain how I was supposed to earn a living AND care for my mother 24/7 AND raise my 3 children. If you have no children of your own, I’m certain other parents will back me when I say that raising children is 24/7 some days. Before you suggest that my husband work umpteen jobs, I’d like to add that my first husband died at age 33. (I am fortunate to have since remarried)
I’d really appreciate an answer because too many people have proclaimed such judgemental views as your own without a practical solution. And NO, putting my children up for adoption was NEVER an option. I love my children, and they love me.
Please explain how you would have managed.
Christianity used to include empathy. What has this world come to?
I think you're only asking your "question" here because you want to feel superior to the members of this group who placed 'loved ones' or who had terrible experiences caring for aging parents of spouses.
Sorry, but no one is going to place palms under your feet here. Look for praise elsewhere and don't be so judgmental.
You're not better than someone who places a family member in Long Term Care because you made a different choice. You're also not better because you "wouldn't ask for a red cent". Nothing wrong with getting paid. Caregiving regardless of who it's for is a job and it's hard work. I should know I did is as employment for 25 years. Why shouldn't a person get something for their labor? Should a family caregiver do it for free so the family members who help with all of nothing can get a bigger inheritance when the caregiving over?
I think it's absolutely disgusting when adult children are forced to promise not to put mom or dad in a"home". It's equally as disgusting when adult children make an elderly parent promise not to put the other in one. No one who really loves their family asks this of them. A person who truly loves and respects their family ever wants them to drive themselves into the dirt in order to become a care slave to their bottomless pit of neediness. Would you want one of your kids to give up their lives, jobs, homes, marriages, families, friends and everything else and end up alone in the street because taking care of you at home was a 24/7 - 365 day a year zero paying job?
I'm pretty sure you're not saying yes, my friend.
Those women will work 10-20 years as caregivers as many progressive diseases last that long.
Sure they improve parents quality of life.
How do they improve their own quality of life?
They give up good jobs, careers, potential advances and opportunities for retirement funds.
I feel we are going backwards as even if they rely on their husbands to support them, there will be some who would feel economic hardship.
IMO every woman should strive for equality and independence.
I worked as a young person for group home taking care of 6 mentally and physically disabled adults.
It was well paid job, 5-9pm and some weekends, most employees were part- time students.
But it was not long term job and most did it 3-4 years.
6 residents and 3 staff on each shift and housekeeper. Not 24/7 for decades often alone or with little help.
You should be very grateful that you did not have others who depended on your income for their food, clothing, shelter, medical insurance, etc. as you were caring for your ill and dying family members.
Please don’t look down on people who are caught in the middle of taking care of their parents and their own children.
And if your kid is stuck with caregiving on a long-term basis, he/she will be working until the day of his/her funeral to make up for the income that he/she lost out on because of caregiving. Btw, if the kid had to drop out of the workforce because of caregiving and if it's much longer than desired or expected, he/she will have a tough time getting back into the workforce because of the long caregiver gap.
My mom told me a couple of years ago that I would get the biggest mansion in Heaven one day. If she keeps working me to death, I'll be getting that place in Heaven a lot sooner than she thinks.
Come on, if you are a Christian, how about you read the Bible, and think about it?
It's interesting that many Christian people are taught that 'honoring the father and mother' means becoming slaves to them and literally excusing and even enabling them to be abusive without ever fighting back or saying 'no'. I was conditioned to this for many years by Catholicism.
When I left that for the Jewish faith and way of life, I learned that the 'honoring the father and mother' has another interpretation. That interpretation is that when a person leaves their parents' house (as in they're grown and making their own life) that they live a good and respectable life. A life that honors their parents (who were supposed to do the same) and their name.
No part of that is give up everything and become a care martyr to parents' endless neediness in old age. It's honoring parents to place them in care if they need it.
I had to choose HOW I cared for my family.
Providing care for a relative with disabilty, so they could save themself paying higher weekend rated for aides VS Go to work myself to earn weekend rates, so I could afford to put footwear & school uniforms on my children.
My relative had other options.
My aging folks had other options.
My children did not.
Well said. The relatives and aging parents have other care options. Your children do not. People should think of this in the beginnings of a family care situation.
And there must have been inheritance after the caregiving.
My own mother traded her time to mother her own kids and truly the best years of her life to care for mean, tyrannical parents. Good parents don’t do that. She was a good woman. But she did way too much. No boundaries.
If the care load is light and your relationship good, and money isn’t an issue, you are lucky and more power to you.