The other day, after posting a "rant", I realized that I need a place to write down what is going on. So I'm going to start here. I'm not asking for advice, but all is welcome, without push back.
My mom is 91. She's had a good long life. Had a stroke in June 2013. Was in acute rehab for 2 weeks, then sub acute for 4 more weeks. She developed vascular dementia, i.e., she knows us all, knows the day, date, etc, but thinks that there is a union trying to take over the facility she's in, that there are floods all the time and that the Communists are about to take over (she watches a lot of Fox News.....). We tried her in a lovely AL facility, but she was paranoid and couldn't remember to push the button when she needed help; she fell and we moved her to memory care. She didn't do well there and we added a full time aide. She fell THERE (with two aides in the room!) and ended up with a broken hip. Anyway, post surgery for that (September 2013) we admitted her to a lovely NH. She's done really well there, gained weight, become very mobile with a walker. Great therapists (PT is a sadist, but I think they all are, she's pushed my mom to do stuff none of us would have expected!). Mom was in the hospital for pneumonia in Januray, recovered well and was back up and walking in a few weeks. Fell in June; discovered in hospital that her heart rate was quite low; we ended up doing a pacemaker. Back on her feet in a few weeks. Mom started feeling out of breath in NH a week or so after pacemaker placement. NH dxed pneumonia. Several rounds of antibiotics; chest xrays, etc. We made an appointment to see a pulmonologist, because mom has had pleural effusions in the past. Before appointment happened, she fell in NH, ER via ambulance; blood tests were all out of whack. Long story short, they tapped her chest and the little pocket of bacteria in the bottom of her lung blossomed and sent her into sepsis. She made it through that, is back in NH, after 5 days of being bedbound. No fractures, but she's still in pain. On tramadol. Talked to her this afternoon after second PT session. She said "I'm not in pain, but my legs don't work". Okay, NOT in pain is huge. At least they've got pain meds on a schedule and not PRN, because if you ask her if she's in pain, she says "no". But then she is if she moves.
My POA brother is in Europe for ten days; younger brother is supposed to get back from vacation this evening. Hey, I'm not a hands on caregiver by any stretch, but I'm trying to take care of my mom the best I can. Trying to figure out the next steps. She's got CHF, doesn't seem to be progressing anywhere! Dementia is not of the 'mean" kind, she's just confused about the facts most of the time (asked me the other day if youngest brother had 3 or 4 kids, she was concerned that she couldn't recall 4th kid). NH says not time for Hospice. Hospital says that we are not at palliative care point yet.
Frankly, if this were one of my dogs or cats, I would have put them out of their misery this week. There. I really needed to say that. I don't think that there is any redemption in physical suffering
I'm crying with you reading of the afternoon -
Perhaps it seems that after taking so long, it now comes so fast
As in the past, you, Barb, are getting done what needs to be done
Rest your mind tonight. Hope tomorrow goes easily for hubs.
We're here with you
I've never heard of gravel in a bladder. That must be painful. Without being facetious, but trying to lend a bit of light banter to the topic, did he eat something made in China?
I'm thinking that perhaps they missed a break in the ER. Remember, 4 years ago, my mom fell in AL, got sent to ER and cleared. Broken hip dxed three days later by alert pt who noticed mom was not weight bearing.
So, at this point, if she had a broken hip, pelvis, she wouldn't be able to survive surgery. So morphine is the right choice. Just peed Jeane Gibbs who had something similar, her mom was on hospice with an inoperable broken hip and survived for another 2 happy years. Could it happen for us? Maybe?. Going up very early tomorrow and will be in touch.
I just can't tell you how much I love and appreciate you all. Gnight!
The Dr said inoperable, time for Hospice, can your family manage her at home? She was living with my eldest sister at the time, still recovering from the treatment, so I called her on the phone (she had stayed behind with her brand new Grand baby and the 2 other grandchildren. I told her the Dr said about 3 weeks (prognosis), Maybe! So of course sister said we'll bring her home. Same scenario I'm dealing with here with my FIL, Hospice sets up a hospital room in your home, and you rally the troops, if your going that route. I am one of six close siblings, so we worked like an army together, managing her end of life care, 5 months she lived, with a PIC line in her chest for the heavy dose Morphine (and I mean Heavy!) to be delivered into her, plus a push button, for when the pain was really bad. Urinary Catheter (same as my FIL), bedbound, the whole enchilada!
It is quite amazing how they send you home a patient who is So sick, So dependant, and your are left to Figure it out!
I tell you, just the medication management is a job in itself, and I feel like a scientist figuring out just the right formula to make him comfortable and manageable for us, and Hospice is very helpful in making sure the family gets some rest too, by providing Lorazepam to keep him Calm, and to get a good night's sleep! Heck, I almost want to sneak one of his magical relaxers at the end of some days too!! Lol!
The Hospice team is fantastic, so responsive to our questions and concerns! I know that it helps that I have a medical background, as I don't see how other people could do what we are doing at home to make his end of days as best as possible! The worst part is getting the poop part under control! 3 times today it's been "a mess", so the stool softens are the real tricky part!
While my FIL is not outwardly thankful to us in the day to day care, he did express extreme satisfaction to my daughter today, telling her that we are doing a great job in caring for him, and that he is so glad to be home with us, so there is that!
I'm so sorry about the possibility of a hip/spine fracture for your Mom, and thank God for good pain relievers! It's all about the comfort now! God bless Sweetie!
Hospice suspected mom's behaviors, which had become completely unmanageable, were caused by pain from possibly a broken hip from the fall. We will never know for sure as if you are not going to do the treatment why do the test? It may have confirmed a break but, just additional testing would not be easy for mom. Then the excruciating decision of whether to attempt treatment. Mom passed three weeks after the fall.
My best to you Barbara and Stacey and families too as you are both on this final journey with your folks. Thinking of you both.
It is different for everyone so let each stage happen and don't try and get back to "normal"
It will be a new normal and will take a while to make new memories. Don't be surprised if it takes a year or more.
Sending you love and healing thoughts. Mom will always be with you in spirit so talk to her often.
Perhaps it is a blessing your mother did not suffer for long and passed quickly and peacefully.
We lost our mother last year. She had fallen and fractured her hip (and arm) but at 101, there was nothing to be done for her except morphine and keeping her confined to bed. She lived 3 long months and the rapid decline and the side effects of being bedridden were horrible and we felt helpless, knowing that she would never have chosen this. Prayers for you and your mom.
((((Barb))))
💜Bella
So many deaths this year here! And many of us around about the same amount of time.
I hope you'll stay around on AC. You have valuable insights to share. And perhaps you'll have some questions on your new journey.
Take extra good care of you. *hugs*
SO SORRY for your loss of your dear mother today.
Sending comfort prayers and love to you and your family
during this difficult time!
Love,
from Sendhelp
My Condolences.
Thinking of all the caregivers who have lost their loved ones.
So glad you had the day in the park with your grand baby to help carry you through the magnitude of mom's passing today - as Glad mentioned, so many losses recently and your words and counsel always a shining example
We sit with you in grief
I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad your mom is free of her pain and suffering. My mom passed away in May and my 15-year caregiving journey came to an end at that time. I know I did the best I could for her, so I am at peace with her passing. I hope you can feel the same about your mom. You did your best and I'm sure she knew and appreciated that. {{{{Hugs}}}}
I need to tell you two stories, just so you all remember that life is a comedy that doesn't stop for death.
As my mother's breathing slowed yesterday, starting around noon, my cell phone rang. Ikea, which had promised to arrange a pick up of some recalled dressers wanted to come. In an hour. OmG!. I called my husband who was resting at home from his procedure yesterday. I now have three dressers worth of furniture on my bedroom floor.
Returning to my mom's room, my SIL (who you may recall, was not on board with hospice at all till earlier this week said " why is this taking so long? Pop ( my dad) it's time to come get mom!". I started playing my mom's favorite arias, from La Boheme, Norma, Turondot. We played Glenn Miller, Benny Goodman. Carousel, South Pacific. SIL'S phone and my tablet were blasting out Big Band, American Songbook, Puccini and Broadway by turns. We sent mom out on a cloud of song.
And after she was gone ( it was just SIL and I in the room at the time) and we had a good cry and a hug, we separated and said in unison "Team Mom!" and high fived each other. And of course, that's when my brother and our family friend walked back into the room.
They're going to be telling that story for years.