Well, its been four months since I last posted about my Dad's stroke. He recovered so quickly and so well; I thought, or tricked myself, into thinking everything was going to be okay. Turns out he had cancer and things went downhill very quickly. I did get to see him 3 weeks before he died; I called everyday to speak with my Mother and try to speak with him; and I went back home to be with Mom for a few days after her passed. My older brother has DPOA and is doing a good job of watching over our Mom. Problem for me is that everyone else has been cold and shut off from me because they were harboring resentment that I didn't leave my husband and son in Houston to stay and take care of my parents after Dad's stroke. I only know about this because my middle son actually called me on the phone and told me "people are talking" and "you can do more." I could hardly speak I was so upset and when I mumbled responses to him he said he didn't need my "smart ass comments." He had no idea I was trying not to cry. This is how my son has seen me??? I would have never guessed it. I feel betrayed.
No, my Mom is not an invalid at all but probably experiencing some form of early dementia or Alzheimer's. I call and speak to her each morning since I can't be there with her. She often repeats conversations.
Yesterday, when I called, she told me I was a grandma for the second time. I was shocked. I knew there was another baby coming but no one called me...no one. It cut me to the core. I couldn't even handle the call. I had to say good-bye. I was so hurt. After about 30 minutes, I thought, well I'm gonna call my son. My call went straight to voicemail. I left a very simple message congratulating my son and his wife on their new arrival and said I love you. My Mom called me back and acted like nothing happened asking why I didn't call her back. I told her I was upset. She said I had to mend this and then went on to talk about some other unimportant miscellaneous subject. No empathy - no nothing. It's not the first time she's done this. I don't want to be that daughter that feels her mother's love is toxic...but I think that's where I'm heading. I don't think she just forgot. I've heard her complain to me about my two brothers and then turn around and act like they're saints. I think she is wailing to everyone else in my absence about how I've abandoned the family by moving away. Everyone is against me. Even the adult niece of my mother (whom I haven't seen in 20 years) has called me and made comment about whether or not my Mom is okay to be alone. She's not alone. My brother with the DPOA lives around the corner and is there everyday. My other brother is 10 minutes away. My two adult sons from my first marriage also live nearby and periodically stop by to visit and help. She is not alone. My husband, son and I drive in on weekends as work allows. But that is not enough to satisfy my family. I'm so hurt by their indifference to me. And I am trying very hard to stay calm and not lash out. We're going back for Labor Day weekend to see my new grandson and my grand-daughter and my Mom. After that, I don't know what will happen but I feel my Nola family has slipped away from me. My Dad's last words to my husband were that he didn't want the family fighting and splitting up. We didn't really understand at the time why he would say that but now I think I do. This whole time everyone has been against us because we moved to Houston and I stayed with my husband.
I know this a long post, but I don't have anyone else to talk to. I don't want to stress out my husband because this is hard for him. He has to work to support our family and it often requires us moving around for the best paying job. We always have gone home for Thanksgiving and Christmas and sometime during the spring or summer. I don't feel that we are welcome anymore. It's so sad. I'm so sad.
Long posts are fine. Especially they're fine if it does you good to get it out, but also it helps us get a more detailed picture of the situation.
The first thing I'd say is that if you're right about your mother's possible mental decline, and I'd agree there are signs that want investigating, then it is crucial not to attach too much importance to her words or her attitude. For example: her apparent dismissiveness, her lack of empathy or insight into the impact what she'd said to you might have had. Match that up with her complaints about your brothers, which suddenly swings back into fulsome praise of them. Truly, that does sound as if she is not processing, controlling thoughts and words in the way that you've been used to her doing; and therefore don't place *reliance* on what she says as being a reflection of her real thoughts or feelings about you. *Especially* because they can be so painful, it's important to set conversations like this to one side and separate them from any decisions you need to think through.
You feel excluded, blamed, still torn about the choices you had to make a long time ago.
You are not the only one in your family who probably shares these feelings. You have all experienced difficulties, loss, complicated relationships. Do not imagine that you are the only one who is struggling.
You feel that your family is indifferent to you, that you're becoming an outsider. You know, I doubt that's true. I would expect that it is more that they are concentrating on their everyday, and for a lot of the time that simply doesn't include you because you're not part of the everyday. That's okay. They're not writing you off, they're just preoccupied by what they are dealing with.
How often do you speak to your brothers?
Your son is a whole separate issue. Is this a son from your first marriage?