Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

Smeshque: As I posted, the devil will try to get us down. I think you may feel downtrodden because no one person can DO IT ALL. You were trying to balance work~and getting up such an hour of
"before the rooster crows." And then providing full-time care for your dear mom. Trying to go to school was a good thought~ but one has to be refreshed to absorb was is taught. Perhaps you needed respite. I am praying for you as being a wife, a caregiver and a student may be beyond one person's ability. I only knew one friend out of very many friends that could do something akin to this because she was a type A personality. BIG HUGS ((( ))).

Rosses003 & Frazzled: I believe that your posts will be quite beneficial for our dear friend, Smeshque. Thank you for that!❤❤
Llamalover47

Thank you LL, I appreciate your words and your are right. I am only human so at times I forget that. :) And you are right about the beneficial posts of my Dear friends here, including yours. :)

Thank you Rosses, I did not see your post until just now. It is very much appreciated and encouraging to me, and helpful. And you did make me smile. :)
I am working on those little things that make me smile. It has just been so hard to see them lately. I agree with the nail bed. :)
I am so grateful to have such support and understanding from you all here. I know in my heart what the right thing is to do. And I know I try and do that to the best of my ability. Sometimes this human flesh thinks maybe this will bring me joy or that, and then it just turns out to be a burden. I wonder sometimes where the scripture says there are four things that are never satisfied, one of them being the barren womb. I always wonder if that is why I keep trying to find what to do with myself outside of caregiving, trying to see my purpose as if taking care of my mom is not a precious gift in itself. I think maybe at times my pride hinders my true intent and then when I realize truly what I am meant to do, it is humbling and that hurts my ego I guess you could say.
I will get it figured out with the Lord's help. I truly am grateful for this site and having crossed paths with some wonderful people.
Thank you.

“For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.” 
Psalms 18:28

“For with thee is the fountain of life: in thy light shall we see light.”
Psalms 36:9

I ask myself these questions too. I cared for my grandfather with Alzheimers for 7 years in my twenties, he had a feeding tube and was bedbound.
I am now 32, caring for my grandmother who has chronic asthmatic bronchitis, which developed into pneumonia. My mother is diagnosed with Bipolar and is on Lithium, she has Fibromyalgia as well. Her husband has a heart condition. This past summer I was taking care of them and now I've adopted their dog all while taking care of Grandmother and dealing with the mental and emotional abuses of narcissistic Bipolar women all after a 7 year stretch with little to no sleep. I have very little gas left in the tank, and everyday God gives me a little more to get through. I've never been married or been able to have a family of my own because I'm too busy caretaking. I have had to make relationship, career and life choices I'm not proud of because of my circumstances and obligations.

Nobody asks how I'm doing or if I need help. When I wonder why I realize everyone must see me as a pillar of strength and have faith in my abilities. This is a blessing. I would rather be in a position to help than be helped. Still, sometimes, it's torturous to my soul and excruciatingly painful, alienating, and has robbed me of freedom. However, it is God's will and I trust in the Lord, and I know he is with me. Also,a few years ago my mother told me that my biological father was a gay man who died of AIDS and that she had been lying to me, my entire family, had been lying to me my entire life. So, my name on this site should probably be the caretaking pariah! And STILL I believe I am blessed. STILL I have faith in the Lord and in my bones I know there is nothing more noble or Christlike than easing another person's suffering. My love goes to all of you.

Blessed12345

Who is going to help you once you reach their age? I think that you need to take better care of you or you will end up broke, broken and homeless in your old age.

I do not think that putting others before you in order to put yourself in harms way, is any kind of scripture intent. What it means to me, is do not be selfish, share if you can, include the stranger next to you when you decide to scream or not, or to hoard food or unneeded belongings. Being a martyr is not only dumb but harmful.

What kills me is that no person that i have cared for will be here for me. I have no kids. My husband is 80 and i am 55. i am terrified of the future and want to die sooner than later. I want no life saving measures on my behalf, i have a dnr, and i hope that i develop a life taking illness sooner than later so that i do not wind up in the hands of a nursing home or worse, homeless and old with dementia. Suicide is my health plan.

jennyfrix,

Feeling that interested in suicide as a health plan sounds like you need to seek some help. You are still rather young to be thinking that much about death.

Smeshque: You are welcome my dear friend. Hope things are on the upswing for you.❤

Blessed12345,
You have a plate full. I understand your feelings and I believe a lot of us here do. The most important thing that you do for yourself is in what you said, "And STILL I believe I am blessed. STILL I have faith in the Lord and in my bones I know there is nothing more noble or Christlike than easing another person's suffering."
That is what keeps you going through the things you endure through. That is what will continue to get you through. And that is what will be your reward for doing this. Never lose that.
This is a hard job, but can only be done well with the help of the Lord. Only He can help us do this right, as you know.
You will be in my prayers, continue pressing on and growing in grace and knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Jenny,
Cmagnum is correct, You may need some counseling.

Suicide is NEVER a good option. You know I have no one that will be here to take care of me should I be granted to live a long life.I have no children, friends or relatives that would do for me, what I do for my Mom and did for my Dad. I think of that sometimes. But, I know that I am investing in my spiritual life. Seeking First the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and in doing so, I Know with full assurance the Lord will take care of me and put me in the right place at the right time with the right people to take care of me. So this trust I have in HIM, and I do not fear life or what will become of me. That is a true health insurance.
I hope you seek some help, and engage the Lord for help. I will be praying for you.


LL-Things are getting better, thank you for your encouragement, my friend. I hope you have had a nice week.

Jenny: Please seek the help of a counselor who can help your mindset. Dying by your own hand is terrible. Call for help stat if your mind turns this way.

Hi Jennyfrix,

First of all please remember that you are not alone.
Same as you and Smeshque I have nobody that I can count on to care for me when I am older or ill, I’m an only child, no kids, not married and currently a sole caregiver.

The caregiving path is incredibly hard as I am sure you know, to the point where people that are not caregivers normally have no clue about what our life entails, which isolates us.
So, for us caregivers it is very easy to fall deeply into depression, which sounds very similar to what you may be experiencing Jenny.

If we are able to recognize that we are depressed we can get out of the depression hole, which is like a dark tornado that can easily pull and push us down if we don’t find a way to fight it. We need help and even medication to get out of it and we MUST seek it Jenny!

When we look at our future and all we see is darkness and all we want is to be released from the torture life has become or has the full potential to become, we are definitely depressed and we owe it to ourselves to try to find a way out!

Also, it is important to remember that life is really a series of actions and consequences. You said your husband is 80 and you 55, well when you married him you knew there would be a large age gap and likely foresaw that you could end up becoming his caregiver although you may not have guessed that caregiving is as hard as it really is, nobody guesses that. So, what life has become in a way is a result of our choices, and I don’t say this to upset you, but because I think it helps a lot to put things into perspective to then be able to handle life better.

Many of us thought our life would be one way yet it turns into something very different than what we thought it would be, which in my case for example relates to having children, I thought I’d have many children running around! because as an only child I craved a big family, yet life is different and I have had to made peace with that and find excitement towards what my future holds (different than my dreams) .
As a matter of fact and based on experience Jenny those unexpected life turns are the ones that help us realize our PURPOSE..IF we are able to face our reality and free ourselves from regrets and sadness. At least that is what I am experiencing.

You are only 55! so many pages of your life to be written ahead of you Jenny! although you may feel tired and ready to write the last chapter, you still have plenty of opportunities to change your direction in life! Even now, where you are and like you are,. Believe me! If you make the determination to make small changes to your daily life, starting with your thinking which defines who and how we are and ultimately help us find your purpose (other than caregiving) your life WILL change, trust me. It just requires you freeing up your mind a little from sadness and fear.

Life is such a powerful GIFT! it’s a gift that brings with it many others. And we are called to find out which our gifts are, are you loving and patient? Are you good in the kitchen? Do you like science? Are you a good gardener? Maybe have a good eye for beauty? Are you creative?

Which are your gifts Jenny?

Once we start working on identifying our gifts AND using them, we start feeling realized. Content versus depressed! And the good thing is, we ALL have gifts, things that God made us so talented for and that become our calling.

Lastly but most importantly, if you came to this thread is because you believe in God, right? Please allow yourself to feel Him covering you with His immense love!

PRAY, talk to Him with your most honest heart, tell Him you need Him and you want to place in His hands all this unbearable weight life feels like.
Pray for peace in your heart, over anything else.
Pray every day, pray when you feel your strength is failing, pray when you are tempted to think about life in a pessimistic way. Pray always!
Your situation may not change but YOU will! GOD BLESS YOU JENNY!!

Not being sure what teaching you have heard, but God values your life just as much as He does anyone else's. To die daily to myself does NOT equal deselfing. One is listening to His voice and obeying by faith... the other is being like a doormat without self respect or value. (Been there- done that.)
Is it worldly to have boundaries?
Is it worldly to say 'no'?
God has definite boundaries and says 'No'- a LOT.

If you are of His household, then yes - you will be trained and tested. You will not, though, be inflicted any pain without a specific purpose for your soul's good. There will be times and seasons that are tough as nails... and breathing spaces.
He is not an 'angry God'... far from it.
If you are slipping into a depression... it sounds to me like you have de-selfed -thinking that is somehow pleasing in His sight. (How does that speak well of His character and trustworthiness as a Father to His children?!)

So many other gospels twist things around, especially towards women. Golly do they have it wrong. God Most High has no favorites - male or female.
Cry out to Him to teach you Who He really is. Listen for His voice (you know it if you are His) and obey by faith. Be restored by Him- not cast down by lies. You have infinite value, are precious in His sight, and are loved.

We can waste a lot of time doing what we think God wants of us, or what other people tell us we should do... and using our intellect instead of ( not by our senses whatsoever )walking by the obedience of faith in what He tells us to do and then waiting.... and waiting .... (like a maidservant looks to the hand of her mistress) until He instructs us further. It is a lonely, narrow walk - but you are never really 'alone.'

Blessed12345: I am praying that you can find something, someone or some way to take better care of YOU. That is concerning and I do hope and pray to God that you find help soon.

I think that in order to care for others we need to be our best self. When I am tired, I lose my patience easily and don’t deal with stress well. When on an airplane the flight attendant tells passengers that if the oxygen masks drop, put yours on first, THEN help others. You can’t help anyone if you can’t breathe obviously, but you can’t give to the point that you are worn down, exhausted, short on patience, etc. I really don’t think God wants us to do that.

Smeshque: Good; I am glad to hear that things are better for you. ⛪❄🎅⛄

“From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the LORD'S name is to be praised.” 
Psalms 113:3

I applaud your trying to be a good person, regardless of how much you suffer at the hands of being a caregiver. I do not think that putting yourself last is logical or loving at all. If you do not find a balance-all things in moderation is a good one-and since your so bible oriented , use that wisdom. The trouble with the bible versus is how we interpret them, and i feel strongly, based on my own suffering and selflessness, that it is not loving at all to stop loving and caring for your own feelings, health, wealth and well being. It does not score you points with god or man. It just takes your life. A good and healthy type of love is one that has a balance, and one that gives emotional air to all feelings with no judgements ever. Judging the natural feelings of sadness, despair, hopelessness, or anger is not godly or spiritual. Judgement is not loving. Embrace your own pain in your own loving arms just as you would embrace a hurt child, or an injured frightened animal. "does it act like love"? is always my guide. For me and for others. If i cannot love myself -i cannot love others .

Peggy: That's spot on accurate. If we don't take care of self, then we are essentially good to no one.

Jennyfrix, do you KNOW the Lord? The Lord Jesus Christ, son of the living God? Since you're on this believers' thread, we may be tempted to believe you do, but just in case, I want to make sure that you've met Him, asked Him to forgive your sins and become your Lord and Savior.... If you have, or when you do, you can trust Him to guide you, as you read the Bible, especially the New Testament, talk to Him (pray), listen for His leadings, and attend a Bible believing church, in order to learn more about Him and His ways. Not only will you have found the way to be with Him for ever when you die, but He will change you and your circumstances as you let Him, and cooperate with Him. I know this from experience; my life isn't perfect, but it's a WHOLE lot better than it ever was without Him!

Dear Blessed 12345,

Blessed, that, you certainly are! You have received the blessing of understanding the meaning of “love each other as I have loved you”. You have chosen hard over easy, sacrificing over self satisfaction, giving over receiving.

Is it easy? FAR from it! we all can attest to that. Are we able to do it perfectly all the time? Absolutely not, we get tired, very tired, emotionally specially. We don’t always know if what we are doing is the best, we run out of patience and physical and mental strength, but in our heart we know all we do is out of love and our desire to follow Christ’s footsteps, even if very imperfectly.

Of course it is true that in order to be able to accomplish what we want to accomplish we do need to take care of ourselves to the best of our abilities, of course much easier said than done, but we have to try because it is true that if we don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t be able to be there for who we want to take care of.

It does sound like you have a lot, more than most, on your plate and a heavy weight on your shoulders. Is it possible that you may be overlooking some options -which may include outsourcing help- or just potential small changes that could help you lessen a little your daily chores and more importantly allow you to focus some of your time and energy on your own projects and life?

I know based on experience that many times when we are so absolutely involved in a situation, specially a care giving situation we tend to think there’s no other way of doing things than what we are doing because we feel we are doing our best, even if barely making it. But sometimes taking a few steps back we get to realize that there are some choices -small or large parts of out routine- that we could and need to change.
We need some oxygen, and that means anything that allows us to breath in hope and positivism!
Everybody needs that oxygen, and it has different meanings for each one of us. You are so young Blessed, your life is really just starting and you’ve devoted a beyond fair share and number of years to caregiving.

Your heart is without any doubt very generous, but out of human compassion towards yourself I’d encourage you to look for ways and ideas to allow yourself to start building your own life, your future Blessed, along with caring for others.. For example, would you like to have kids? If so it’d be a great idea for you to make some time for socializing, there is nothing wrong with that. Also, (and again, talking based on my personal experience) you may benefit from receiving some therapy, dealing with a mother with a personality disorder, specially narcissism or bipolarism, plus all else you’ve had to face, definitely affects one’s perception of life, of others and of ourselves. It is very important to take care of our mental health, so we can be sure that all the decisions we make are appropriate, well thought out and fair to everybody.

Summarizing, my advice to you is not to put your own life completely in the back burner because as true as it is that serving others and putting others before ourselves is the perfect response to loving each other as He has and will always love us, it is also true that our Lord in His immense generosity is always willing to help us and rejoices with our joy and successes, and He I am sure is always willing to help us so that we don’t wake up one day feeling empty with no dreams realized aside from the great satisfaction of having being loving an generous. I’m sure our Father would sponsor you in any attempt to combine your mission of service with the accomplishment of some of your personal dreams and goals as that would be a perfect and complete way of realizing yourself as a person and as a Christian, I think all can fit as part of God’s plan in your life.

May God keep blessing you every day and may He enlighten and protect you dear Blessed!

Wishing everyone a Happy and Blessed New Year!



We were going to town today, and it was so cloudy, but then the sun shone through at different times as the clouds passed. It was glorious and felt so good on my face, so warm and reviving. It made me think how when our lives get cloudy, we know God is above those clouds, waiting to shine through. And that our clouds will pass and He will shine on us. But, the comfort is knowing that the Lord is always above the clouds. If we look hard enough we can see it. He is always there with His light, just for us, just when we need it. He loves us so much. May we love Him back.


2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
1 John 4:7-8

Keeping On
I've dreamed many a dream that never came true
I've seen them vanish at dawn
But I've realized enough of my dreams, thank, God,
to make me want to dream on

I've prayed many prayers when no answer came
Though I waited patiently long
But answers have come to enough of my prayers
To make me want to keep praying on

I've trusted many a friend that failed
And left me to weep alone
But I've found enough of my friends true blue
To make me keep trusting on

I've sown many seed that fell by the way
For the birds to feed upon
But I've held enough golden sheaves in my hand
To keep me sowing on

I've drained the cup of disappointment and pain
And gone many days without a song
But I've sipped enough nectar from the roses of life
To make me want to live on.

Anonymous

Take Off Those Shoes You Have on For the Ground You Walk On is Holy Ground--

As I come into the presents of the Holy land;
I am reminded of wench I came;
Purest is every grain of soil;
This dirt in which we'd stand;

God has said to us..trust
As you walk
Stop and take off
Take off those shoes you have on for the ground you walk
You walk on is Holy Ground

As I come before the house of God;
At I look upon the doorway;
My hand grasp and turns the knob;
In a thunderous voice My Lord said
Stop Keep thy foot when thou go into the house of God
Put off thy shoes from thy feet: for the place where you stand is holy ground.

As I come into the presents of the Holy land;
Men rage in battles, they have plans;
I am reminded of wench I came;
Purest is every grain of soil and clay water's drain;
This dirt in which I stand in the presents of the Holy One;

God has said to us..trust
As you walk
Stop and take off
Take off those shoes you have on for the ground you walk
You walk on is Holy Ground

12/30/18
written words by James Edward Lee Sr.2018
inspired by Ecclesiastes 5:1-Exodus3:5-Joshua5:15

I want to say so much, but right now I will pray for you that you can get some rest and downtime. I’ll write later. May God give you peace. ❤️

“Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.” 
Luke 6:28

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
Psalms 55:22