I blocked numbers, now my mom and my nephew are contacting my daughter. Apparently, my nephew installed a few bars in her bathroom and showed her how to use instacart for groceries. Great, he's the hero and I am glad he finally stepped up. But now he contacted my daughter (his cousin) to tell her how my mom supposedly said I pushed her while she was in rehab. I am sickened by this and honestly don't know if he is lying or she is! Then he told my daughter he wishes we could be at peace with each other. What?!? After all that was said and done, I have no desire to have any type of relationship with those who manipulate, lie, or think the worse of me, there is no peace in that. My nephew took vacation days but he will have to go back to work and then who will she be reaching out to? Who will take her to Dr appointments? Not me. I am officially done being the villain. Now they are going through my daughter. Why can't they leave well enough alone. I cannot believe this is my "family" who portray me to be such a terrible person. I would NEVER push my mother and whoever made that lie up, I'll never know. But it's heartbreaking.
Your mother is the one who's lying saying you pushed her at rehab because she may have dementia. Or she may be trying to instigate some trouble, making you the villain and your nephew will go rushing in to defend her. Instigating trouble for trouble's sake is common with elderly people. You are right about the rehab would have done something if you pushed her. That kind of behavior doesn't fly in a care facility.
If you want to cut all ties with your family then that is what you will do. Please have a meeting with them and talk first before you take this action. A lot of the manipulating and lying could be your mother's doing. She may very well have dementia and could seem perfectly fine to everyone. They're not though. Often when the dementia is in its early stages and the person is still highly functional, they will fixate on someone and turn on them for no rhyme or reason. That person becomes as you say the "villain". They usually start by accusing the villain of stealing from them. Then the villain deprives them of food and starts hitting and shoving them. Often when actually with the "villain" they're nice as pie as if nothing ever happened. Especially if there are other people around.
I've been in elder homecare for many years. In those years I have been the dementia "villain" many times. It's always a lie. I've been replaced on some assignments but never fired because an elder with dementia showtimed so well that it was believable. I remember with distinction one client who accused me of the most heinous behavior. She had dementia but seemed very lucid and together. She was still highly functional too and lived alone. Her family had cameras all over the house and I was watched and heard every minute so they knew nothing was going on.
Your situation might be like this too. How about talk to your family and see what's up. Maybe it's not them. Don't become your mother's caregiver if she goes home though. Let your family figure out what to do with her, not you. If your daughter wants to help and have a relationship with her aunt and cousin, don't get between it. That would be her choice not yours.
Your Mom will find someone to do her bidding. My MIL told lies about me, TG the relatives knew she had this problem and ignored the lies.
His Mom took it upon herself to tell his Dad, (her ex), to not contact DH.
It has been hard enough for DH to talk to his Mom. He gets irritable after talking to her, and growls.
Now DH is receiving emails from his Dad...because his toxic Mom decided to give his email to his Dad.
There are ongoing issues, no peace. It spills over to me.
I have had good success, no regrets, cutting of contact in the past.
Sound ridiculous, yeah, so is the idea that I would push her.
I figure if people are going to talk crap, give em' something to talk about!
Tajann, you know that your mom will stoop to low levels. Don't let it take any head space.
She made her choices, now SHE lives with the consequences. You DO NOT have to buy into any if this insanity. You have stepped away, stay there!
You got this, you can do it!
Consider your family to not be your family anymore, which is sad but the healthiest thing for YOU, personally. Talk to your daughter to see if she's on the same page as you and ready to cut ties with the supply-seekers as well. Go from there.
Mother will need to find her own way to appointments and such from now on. She obviously has a voice with which to speak, so she can use it to HELP herself now instead of to cause trouble and angst between others since that audience has left the building. The gig is up, mother. She's capable enough to live alone, so she's capable enough to make calls for an Uber and to place online grocery orders too. Handymen are readily available for hire as well.
Stay far away and allow others to care for her.
Hopefully, your daughter knows you well enough not to be seduced into being one of your mom's "flying monkeys".
When my MIL (falsley) accused my DH of " abuse" (telling her to stop smoking, because she had copd), his daughter was able to maintain a decent relationship with her.
Interestingly, DD could be very directive and managerial with her gma, and gma cooperated with her. So perhaps good for the grands to be managing her right now.
”But It’s Your Family…cutting ties with Toxic Family members and loving yourself in the aftermath.”
REAL EYE OPENER!
After being burned out, it is reasonable to expect feeling raw & delicate for a time 🌱🦋
Moving yourself out of reach of any toxic fumes drifting your way may be needed now.
Then you can re-light & burn brightly once again! 🕯️🕯️🕯️
You know, I think that's how the toxic, needy or vampires work. After snuffing out or sucking dry one avenue of help, they move on to their next 'victim/servant'. I've met some elders that tell their tale of misjustice & abandonment by their own son/daughter/in-laws... They quickly turn on the 'oh help me' act & draw in fresh blood - often niece/nephew, grandkids are next in line. Once those live & learn how it all works, they too abandon & the hunt goes on.
Avoid Mom's *divide & concur* approach to your relationship with your daughter. Agree to disagree for now. In time, she will be snuffed/drained too.
Leave it be. Yes it is hurtful and for me now ten years later it is still hurtful. I have learned to live with it.
No offense to your writing, but this all reads like stuff people do in high school. Drama for drama's sake is draining, useless and immature. Good for you in stepping back from them. They do not have to change. You can change! Move on, and enjoy your life.