Mom has passed, but it's still not over for me. It seems things have gotten worse.

lefaucon, this may sound a little harsh, especially at this time when you are feeling more than a little fragile, but I think you need to hear it.

You simply are not as powerful as you are giving yourself credit for. Your mother died of Alzeheimer's or its complications. She did not die from something you said or didn't say or something you didn't do. It is the nature of dementia to get worse. People with dementia decline at a rate determined by the disease. We can try to maintain their quality of life as long as they are living but we cannot determine how long that is. You did not push your mother into death faster than the disease did. You don't have that kind of power. The disease brought her to the end of her life. Even she sensed this. The disease was not your fault. Its progress was not your fault. The final decline was not your fault. You could not have stopped the progress of the disease no matter what you had done. You did what you thought was right at the time. Knowing what you know now you wish you had done things differently. That is understandable, and I can understand your deep regret. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not cause your mother's disease or its progression or her death. Even if you had wanted to (and you certainly did not) you just don't have that kind of power.

My husband died Thursday (3 days ago). He was on hospice care but I don't think anyone, including the hospice staff, expected his death quite so soon. He died when it was his time to die. He died on the disease's schedule. It did not consult any of us. I thought I'd have a few more months or at least several more weeks with him. I was wrong. You thought you'd have another 4 or 5 years with your mother. You were wrong. We were both wrong but that doesn't mean we were responsible or that we caused the deaths to be earlier than we expected. To quote Shakespeare, "Death, a necessary end, will come when it will come."

Mourn your mother, certainly! But don't let irrational feelings of guilt get in the way of remembering the good things. Don't get so wound up in feelings about yourself that you lose sight of the center of this event. Make your mourning about your mother, and about your religious beliefs regarding death.

Love to you in this difficult time of loss.

Prayers for both jeannegibbs and lefaucon during this difficult time. Let your faith and happy memories wrap you in their love.

Hugs and prayers to you both for your losses.

lefaucon, jeanne said everything that I was going to say to you. I am so sorry that your mother is gone, but I know that you played no part in deciding when it was her time to cross over. I am glad you were there for her in the end. It means so much to hold their hand as they cross over. I believe the look on her face let you know how things were. She was at peace. She didn't blame you for anything, so please don't blame yourself. There was only so much you could do.

Reading what jeannegibbs and lefaucon said about expecting that you would've had more time --- exactly what I thought about my Mom who passed away on October 31st.

Even though Mom was on hospice and I saw the end coming, I was just not ready for it to happen. I moved back home to take care of my parents in 2008. In my mind, I was going to have several more years with her before any of us went anywhere.

Lefaucon, listen to jeannegibbs, she tells it like it is. Our Moms left this world because their bodies finally wore out. Your Mom knows you love her very much. It's so difficult to be a caregiver at times. Please don't beat yourself up because it sounds as though you went above and beyond for your Mom. It is obvious you are a very compassionate person.

I just needed to share because both of your posts really touched my heart. Jeanne, my condolences and prayers for you and your husband. I have always enjoyed and gotten a lot out of reading your posts.

Lefaucon, first I'm so sorry for your loss - your grief is so clear from your post. I haven't read all the replies yet so forgive if I'm repeating. You are going through the normal stages of grief - being angry at yourself, feeling guilt, the "if only I had done...." is actually a part of grieving itself. Doesn't make it any less searingly painful though, but maybe it can comfort you to know that how you feel is normal and is a stage you will pass through. Also realize we cannot know the mind of God. You feel guilty for your mother's swift decline, but consider how terrible and wrenching a slow decline can be....many of those stories are right here on this website too. For all we know, it was in God's plan for her to go swiftly - everything is not determined by your actions, every event that happens has a million pieces that contribute to it. Please let the burden come off your shoulders and give love and forgiveness to yourself.

Jeanne and Carol I'm sorry for your losses as well - I wish you peace.

Please don't feel guilty. Even though my grandmother is driving me crazy with her trying to make me available at her beck & call, I just can't do it. Too far away & not owning a car makes it difficult to see her. So, at the moment I try my best to help her financially (since it's easy to do online) and I make an effort to tell her I love her everytime we're on the phone. That day may come where she'll want me over but I can't make it...

Amen - anger, guilt, regret can very much be a part of grief. lefaucon you may want to read up on stages of grief
It will get worse for a while, and as you feel your feelings and work them through, it will get better. I think no one is ready for or expects a death to happen when it does. Please donlt torment yourself,, Cry, grieve, miss your mum and so on, but donplt get stuck in guit or anger -lest them pass. Accet that they are part of dealing with your loss. At three months feelings tends to intensify, also 6 months and particularly 9 months, 1 year etc holidays, birthday and so one (((((((hugs))))))

Mom's b day is tomorrow [4th] and her service is the 5th. So I will celebrate by buying her a bday card with a peice of cake with a candle on it by myself and sing to her...Oh ladies......I cannot thank you all enough for all of your wise and comforting counsel. You all told me the truth and how I should properly view the situation and not feel racked with guilt. I do feel better and always copy and paste wise words of comfort onto a Word document so that I can read them whenever I want to. I did not expect so many comforting posts from every body. jeannegibbs, I am sooooo sorry for your loss of your husband 4 days ago. For you to come onto this site and still help us is amazing. You are amazing. I haven't been on this site for one week because of grief, arrangements, and isolation, etc.....
I cannot thank all of you loving ladies enough for your care, compassion, and loving words. May God Bless you all in your trials and tribulations. And may the Lord Bless jeannegibbs with the loss your husband with strength, faith, courage, trust in Him, and enabling you to carry on. God bless all of you!!!!!!

jeannegibbs,

My sincere condolences go out to you on the loss of your husband. Your words impart so much wisdom and kindness on this site.

I am at a loss as to what else to say. Just know that this cyberspace person cares about your loss and is thinking of you at this difficult time.

My sincerest thank you for all of you Dear Ladies who wrote to me above. Yes, emjo, after 3 months the pain, regret, guilt, sadness has gotten worse. Jeannegibbs, what you wrote is amazingly comforting, and all you dear ladies for what you wrote to me. The comfort that I feel even now, after 3 months, I read again and again what u all wrote still gives me the greatest of comfort. I haven't been to this site in 3 months! I am not God and am not in charge of Mom's passing or living.
The pain comes in waves. Some days are ok and some days unbearable. The pain is always there at the surface, it just depends on the degree. There is so much work to do around this house to get it ready for the realtors and appraisers for the sale. Its excruciatingly difficult boxing, donating, wrapping, throwing out of Mom and Dad's things it hurts like crazy. Sis is coming over this weekend to help me put away some of the photos of Mom and Dad and some of their things so that I do not have to turn my head at every which way to see them. That's when my mind loses control and the should of's, could of's, would of's come racking me with guilt and regret. I know what I feel is normal and the details of it all cannot be explained to another human being, I only talk about them with the Lord. He knows all of the mistakes I made. I've learned so much since Mom and Dad's passing. About life, about myself, about others. How I must change, what I must change, and the shortness of life and how precious it is and all the mistakes I've made in the past. I learn something new everyday, like a lightbulb goes off in my head. I just wish that stupid wish--I wish I knew these things before Mom and Dad passed-don't we all? I guess pain, trials and tribulations are good educators. Too bad I couldn't learn them, know them, put them into practice while Mom and Dad were alive. And yes, I did more than sis and bro did. They both told me that they could never do what I did and I guess I don't give myself enough credit and remember all the great things that I did for Mom and Dad. But you know me, I always think that I could of done more/better. Then I remember that I am not perfect, no one is, and there is no such thing as a perfect caregiver.
It's not over yet. Tons of things that need to be done and it may take the rest of the year and into next year what with the house, me looking for an apt, a job [at my age it's practically impossible], and adjusting to a new life as if I was a twentysomething. Missing my home and moving will be excruciatingly painful.
I thank the Lord for all of you and your loving advice and council. I haven't written for a long time because of all the work to do around here, and the pain kept me from even going on my computer. I don't go on the computer as much I used to--now, only about 2-3x a week, even that.
Please write to me? I need to talk to other dear ladies such as yourselves who truly understand what I am going through will you?
Please write......all of you to me?
Love you all,
lefaucon

I am truly sorry for the losses of leafucon, Jeannegibbs. I lost my Dad this past Feb 19th, his mind and body were worn out, he was tired and he deserved to rest in peace as he did not live his last 3 years in peace. Leafucon, you cannot hold yourself prisoner to guilt for what you have no control over. You were there and you were blessed to be there in the end. I hope that you will be able to forgive yourself and live knowing that you did your best.
My hard times are now with my Mom, her dementia yet knowing that the love of her life (67 yrs) has passed. In her clarity, she said she feels like someone had broken into her home and stole the love of her life. I feel guilty that I cannot be with her or visit her everyday, I am tired and I have to take care of myself, my family, my job but I cannot do or be everything to everyone all the time.
Again, my heart goes out to you and those who have lost a loved one.
I chose to celebrate my Dad's 97 years of Life, I miss him but I know he is at peace...Mom is not.
Please take care of yourself.

lefaucon I am feeling terribly sad and quite emotional for you about your Mom's last days and how you feel.
To all of you who have had a loss as well.
I am dreading the day I will have to let go of my Mother! I always had a strong bond with her, but it was always more emotional and not in a hugs and kisses, physically affectionate way. What I have been learning about us, with her Dementia is... that there is a communication between us that is very deep in our hearts.
It seems to me your Mother knew she was going to move on and wanted you with her before she could go. Like she was trying to tell you, I'm not leaving until you are here with me, then I shall go on in peace. I feel I must say to you, that you may have had a feeling, deep inside of you, that if you went to her when she asked, it would be to let her go.
I always know when my Mom is distressed or not feeling well, in my heart, I just get a mentally stressed feeling "MOM needs ME feeling!"
.... I just know this somehow!
I also want to tell you that I had a wonderful Mother in Law. The day of her wake there was a Husband and Wife who had passed on during the same 24 hour period.
There was something quite remarkable about the couple and the same day of passing on....
they were not sharing a residence at the time, they were separated due to their individual care needed. I remember this clearly because the family felt blessed because the couple was unhappy and in distress about being apart. The family and friends believed that one of them wouldn't pass on without the other.
I had not thought about this since that day until now. Your Dad may have come for your Mom, saying to her your going to Love it here. She just needed you there so she could go to him in peace.

Hi Lefaucon, this is a quick stop to say hi and ask how you're doing? I'm doing fine. Still trying to figure out what to do with mom,doc and decisions. I just wanted to drop by and see what's up with you. I'm glad that you're beginning to accept that you did the best for your parents. I think we all think we could have done more. Later, okay? Getting sleepy and still need to do the parents.

Dear Bookworm,
Thank you dear one for your loving concern for me. Right now I am at peace with my health condition. I get my full body CT or MRI scan 27 march and more specific blood tests then too and then we will find out if I get bad news or not. I've finally told bro and sis about it along with my friends from church. I've invited them to my house for lunch after I get all of the results cause I kind of have my own thoughts of treatment or no treatment and need Godly advice and council other than my own. I trust the Lord and want His will for me no matter what; even if its horrible news. You do know what I am talking about don;t you? I don't remember if I told you but I know that I've written to others on this site about it. If u do not know, please tell me and I will explain it to you.
Love your Mom and Dad as long as they are alive and do all that you can for them no matter how hard or silly their requests are. I speak from experience here after losing both parents within 6 months of each other. I suffer from great guilt, regret, should of's, could of's, would of's and its killers and I do not want you to suffer what I suffer from. They love you intenstly even though they may not show it the way we expect them too. I know that you love them intensely too and please let them know it as I already know that you have done so. Tell them that you love them at all times with kisses and hugs and touch.
Please write to me as much as you are able. I need to hear from all of you, especially you and jeannegibbs--the two of you have helped me and written to me the most and have helped me all through what I've been through with mom and dad before they passed and what I am going thru now with my health problem.
Please write please?
Love you,
lefaucon

I know your guilt, and I live with your regret. The biggest mistake I too made was nt appreciating either one of my parents when they were alive. I was immature, selfish, self absorbed, and inconsiderate. I was very angry at my parents for not holding their marriage together, which led to our family falling apart. I was mostly angry at my mother. She would call me often, and ask me to come visit her. I would torment her, and punish her for not being a better wife to my dad. The last thing is I said to my mother wasn't "I love you, mom" it was " I HATE you, f*&^%g bitch" and I hung up the phone. The next call I received was from the hospital telling me my mother got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and dropped dead from a heart attack. I was numb. I couldn't process the words. My mother was only 56 years old, and I have lived with the cruel, and despicable way I treated her everyday for almost 15 years now. I fell into drug and alcohol problems. My behavior was nothing less than self destructive after that happened. I was not only shameful but, I hated myself, and who I was. It took a longtime, and alot of soul searching, growing up, and giving to come to terms with how I treated the person who did nothing but love me and give me life. Someone asked me once what I thought my mother would say to me if she could talk to me. I told them that she would've wanted me to forgive myself, because she did as soon as I said the words. I told them that she was the most loving and forgiving person I had known, and I wasn't fit to tie her shoes. I told them that she would want me to learn how to love myself. I believe all of that, and it has taken a very long time to come to terms with what I did, and own my own behavior. Life is about choices, and I just didnt know what the right choices were. It's not an excuse, it's a learning process for me. And, if I can leave this life knowing that I am wiser, a better person than I used to be, and have learned something important about humanity, than ok with that. Don't beat yourself up for too long. It's not what your mom would want you to do. God bless you.

I would guess things seem worse this week because you just got through your first Mother's Day without mom. Her hospice will likely have a support group - my suggestion is join it! Even if more people in it have lost spouses than parents, GO!! You may or may not have made the right decision at any given moment, but you were in there trying and you were at her side at the end. Having no regrets would be great - wish I could say that myself - but peace comes anyways if we get enough help from God and our friends. It comes in fits and starts - a lot like grief - and reawakenings at anniversaries and various events are extremely normal. You might not want to put all the pictures away, maybe just a few...be good to yourself and maybe find a concrete way to honor mom's memory, something unique that she loved or cared about, maybe.

"But I was blessed by holding her, body, praying for her, and telling her that Jesus is waiting for her and can you already see his radiant light calling to her? Then she took her last breath and I looked up to heaven praising God yet crying at the same time."

My dad passed Apr 2..I've been reading these posts-- I am dealing with tremendous guilt. Liver failure and Lewy Body had made my dad have a different personality for the majority of these last 3 years that I cared for him. He had become constant critical of me, paranoid and in general demanding and impossible to please- That was NOT my dad's normal personality. Even though I knew he was sick, it made it hard not to react sometimes to the negativity. I was stressed, having been the sole caregiver of my dad for almost 3 years. I gave up my apt, a job I loved, friends etc to care for him. I did not get anyone to help(which I should have). As a result, I was frazzled and bitter, especially in the last year or so. Sometimes I would yell, snap and say mean things and sometimes accuse him of "faking" things-- With Lewy Body, symptoms would come and go, making it seem that he had control of it, but I realize he did not.. I was an emotional wreck. In March my dad went into to Home Hospice care- the doctors at the hospital did not agree- one thought he was ready, one did not. The only thing I knew for sure is that my dad did NOT want to ever be in a nursing home. It was to a point that he was needing to be helped to the bathroom and to walk etc. I was having a harder and harder time tackling that task. I thought that Hospice would simply mean he could do without invasive tests and difficult hospital visits that had become more frequent. I did not realize that he would decline so rapidly after entering Hospice home care. I have no complaints with the Hospice people per se. I'm just not sure, in retrospect, that it was time for my dad. The three weeks watching him decline in Hospice were a torment for me. Because of his mental condition, it was me making the decision--not like some people who have terminal illnesses and make the decision themselves. At one point he wanted to know why no one was taking him to the hospital-- it broke my heart. I don't know if he knew he was dying. Point is, whether he was or not, he definately was once he was in Hospice care. I know they technically say they don't "hasten" death.. but when you are sitting there with someone and you know that an IV in the arm would give them fluids that they can't swallow.. you start to question everything. bottom line..right now I cry constantly. I want my dad back. He deserved better than me. I lost my patience so many times. Several weeks before he died, I was awaken at 4 am-- I was exhausted, as usual, he wanted soup.. I said " it's 4am!". Why didn't I just make him the soup? Why did I put him in Home Hospice when I did? This past 2 years, every now and then a small part of my dad's "true" personality would come through-- he would smile-- and joke with me -- or say he loved me--- that is all I can think of now-- those times, and how many times I spoke to him with tension or sarcasim. I suppose it will get better, I just feel so bad...so disappointed in myself. So regretful that I didn't treat my dad better these past 2 years. Yes, I was stressed, I was tired etc--- but that's not excuse-- and my spent these past two years truly thinking that I was stealing from him(his paranoia) and that I treated him "like a dog"(I couldn't do anything right)--even if it was his illness-- if that's what he thought, isn't that his reality? I don't know. This is tearing me apart.

But southlover....YOU WERE THERE for him.
You were willing to care for him when he wasn't himself and you weren't yourself and when it was more than you could bear.

Regret is impossible to avoid in these situations, I am certain. Most any death brings regrets for those left behind. But it is the good things, the joys, the happiness shared...the together times that were good that are what should be dwelt upon and not the negative inevitable events that come at the end of life or a terminal illness.

I wish I had magic instant advice. I have none. Just hang in there and do your best to willfully re-direct your thoughts from feelings of remorse and regret to remembering the good instead...AS SOON AS they pop up in your mind. It takes diligence and practice but it becomes easier and easier and it is the only thing that I know to do, myself, when the same things come upon me.

Lefaucon - Today is a year and a half since my beautiful Mom died at 93. You supported me in the first few months after she passed in May last year, and I understand your feelings so well. Mom and I lived together always and I kept working even though she had fallen several times and she had dementia. I came home at lunch everyday and was here in the morning and all night, but I have blamed myself for not being here the last three years thinking the same as you that her dementia worsened because I wasn't interacting with her during the day and so regretting all the extra time we could have spent together. We shopped on weekends and even went on a cruise the year before she passed, but I missed the UTI that turned septic at the end and didn't stay home with her the last day she said she wished I didn't have to go to work. A few hours sooner to the hospital and the story might have been different, so I blame myself for that as well. She was in the hospital for six days and I was with her when she passed. For sure, you and I both loved our mothers with all our hearts and they loved us -- hold onto that, because that's what truly matters. Chimsu

Some people trust a god, some nature, others nothing at all. We all have to draw comfort from where we can. Personally, I strongly believe that we *all* choose our time and method of death (even the more harsh ways) .. I believe in Karma and the evolution of life. I do my best on a day to day basis, considering others' feelings, while taking care of myself so that I'm ABLE to care about others. It's not in me to be a selfless person .. I suspect most of us aren't, at heart. So, to those who haven't yet met these losses .. first, love yourself enough to know your limits, take care of yourself well enough that what you have to give is given freely and without regret, and just DO YOUR BEST. We'll still experience loss and pain, along with their inevitable co-feelings, but in the end, we'll know it's just how it is. It's life at its best and worst. It's just life.

Blessings to all,
LadeeC

I was my mom's caregiver, but she was not sick, at 60 it seemed she had plenty of time left, just needing help w/chores and simple things. But, some days she needed more. Pain pills and psych meds is a bad mix, but I wasn't realizing how bad. The day my mom died, I was barely 3 ft away from her, I saw, earlier that she was having some issues, but I didn't think much of it at the time. She finally went to sleep, but it was different. I felt a pain in my stomach, but I continued to think everything was ok, knowing it really wasn't . I was thinking she was sleep , but she had died in her sleep. I feel so stupid now. I've had training as a caregiver, I knew the signs. Why did I not call for help sooner? I don't even know. Now I feel so lost without her. All my younger siblings have resumed their lives and I am still feeling pain, alone, guilt, confusion and anger at myself. If I had called for help sooner, she would still be here. It has been nearly 8mths. I can't imagine what a yr or 2yrs will feel like. I've never felt this much pain before or this much guilt. Her birthday is Oct. 14th. The family wants to celebrate and I want to crawl up on the couch and stay there.

Sunigal, surround yourself with supportive people for this first birthday. It will be hard. Those first milestones and anniversaries of a death are hard enough when they sneak up on you, and you see this one coming like an oncoming train. But, WHAT "signs"? She was not feeling real well, but I'm sure it wasn't the first time. She went into a deep sleep, you felt a knot in your stomach about it but it had no discernible basis in reality, and if you probably thought it was a false worry or an overreaction. How could you have known? You may think you somehow should have know, but I don't see how, exactly. If anyone ought to feel any guilt it would be her physician(s) for overprescribing if in fact that's the case. Not At All Your Fault. I am glad you debriefed a little with us, and it would not be at all wrong to seek some grief counseling and talk about it even more.

You are feeling it more than your siblings, I'll bet because you were the caregiver and you were there for it - I hope they do not in any way hold it against you - I would bet they don't, and might even be shocked that you do, and at some point, even if you had any realistic reason to feel you failed in some way, you'd need to find forgiveness for yourself. I have a very strong sense that you did your best.

lefaucon,

Don't live a life of regret, feeling you could have done more or been a better caregiver.
Just being a caregiver to your Mom puts you in a very rare group of people.
I feel what you're going through, and I'm sorry for your loss.
The law of compensation never fails; you will find yourself blessed for your good deeds in the near future.
I was a caregiver to my Mom for 14 years, and have dedicated a blog about my experience here: caregivingandliving/main

lefaucon thank you x your first response has put my mind at ease, it seems "planned" how some people choose to pas away , my mum passed at 2.30am on April 23rd 2011 while it was quite and nobody around x family wise x my mum had pancreatic cancer but I am grateful that she passed peacefully and with dignitey , she was up till the day before still having a shower on her own sitting on a stool, me "spying" on her and walking around x she was in pain but not on a morphine drip just liquid when she felt she needed it. She was a very strong willed lady, and would have hated been bed bound in pain x we- hubby & I canceled our holidays as I had had a hysterectomy November 2010 and not very good so mum had a few months of me living with her taking care of each other. I told myself it was a job that I was doing looking after her , it was my way of trying to come to terms but not really I think I was not thinking she was going to actually dye. We at the time ran a coach company in Ireland so hubby had to go back to work. I was at my mother in laws at the time I got the phone call to say come to the hospital by the time we arrived she had passed so my guess is she didn't want me to see her suffer as her blood pressure failed x so I saw her at peace which was probably how she wanted it, it was always on her terms !! Even at the end x
Time has healed a lot but I now have only my husbands family as mum was the last link of my family x but it was only after reading lefaucon post that I do now think I have come to terms in my mind that I didn't fail mum it was the disease that did it. But now I am on a very new and interesting path of spirituality and I do feel mum and co and my angels around as I offer angelic reiki healing .
Thank you lefaucon xx

this is an old post but an interesting one . my mom has been gone for well over a year and im just now letting the guilt go about little things i could have done to make her life better . what fixed it for me was imagining if mom were here today shed be the first to come to my defense and tell me that i did my best , mistakes and all . our parents arent stupid by any means . they can see that we struggle just as they are .

I realised it was an old post but the last comment was October 2014 ! This forum gave me the opportunity to express how my mums passing had effected me. It was the first time I had put into words how I was feeling as I still don't tell my hubby or his family how I felt. And yes I do sometimes get upset but each day is easier and now I have somewhere I have been listened to has really helped . Thank you all x

I burried my mother yesterday and this grief if over whelming. Today is her birthday but she passed away December 31st, her funeral was yesterday. She had had alzheimers for 9 years and she lived with me and I took care of her, but I yelled at her on occasion and I wish I could turn back the clock and could do it right but I will never get that chance and I hope God forgives me. When she would take her pajamas and depends off during the night and then get back into bed and wet the bed I would yell. If any of you are taking care of your mother I want to please tell you if you are yelling to please stop, I know sometimes the burden taking care of them is so over whelming its hard especially when they are trying to get out of the house to go home and you are trying to protect them and your yelling but the worst part is the way you feel and the empty and the gulity after their gone. I loved her so much and I had her with me every minute of every day,no help just me but I just wish i had never yelled at her because she was sick with this horrible mental condition called alzheimers which she couldnt help. The day she died I stopped in a little grocery store to get us something to drink and she didnt want to go in so I locked the car which she would always stay in the car with no problems for 5 minutes and this day I was there about 3 or 4 minutes and when I came back out to the car her head was leaning toward the left side and her tongue was hanging out of the left side of her mouth and I screamed Mom and no response, I felt her pulse and there was a pulse but I couldnt get her aroused so I decided at that point I was so close to Central Baptist Hospital and I could get there faster than the rescue squad could get to me and just before I turned into Cenrtal Baptist I heard her last breath and I beat on the ER door and security opened it and I yelled no pulse and they all came running out and did CPR and got a pulse then they lost the pulse and was unable to revive her after that. I dont know what Im going to do without her but shes better off at least shes not getting yelled at no more and I deserve everything God wants to throw at me but the yelling was most certainly not every day and I never hit her and would never in my life but when you are trying to get her to eat and she doestnt want to or when your trying to change her and she doesnt want to and when she has a doctors appointment and she doesnt want to go the only way I could get her to was to yell and this was so wrong and I feel so guilty about her in life and in death, but I love her so much. Please tell me if anyone is going through this now and if anyone has every yelled at their mother with alzheimers and how they are able to cope with this. I am so sorry Mom and I love you so much and I wish I had the chance to do it right again.

nursebarb...my mom died on Dec 20, quietly at home with only me there with her. She was 93, had Parkinson's, and I was her caregiver for 8 years, the last 4.5 on a 24/7 basis. You know what? I yelled too...on more than one occasion...why? because the stress/frustration of taking care of her when she wouldn't cooperate/listen/do what she needed to wore me out. Am I proud of myself or giving myself an excuse? No. It was just a reaction that I tried to control but it would get the best of me from time to time. The things you describe that set you off were exactly what I had to deal with and I'd promise myself over and over that the next time she was being difficult? I was going to keep my cool, not raise my voice, and handle it 'better'...did I follow thru? Sometimes, but not always. She'd even tell me not to yell/raise my voice and I'd come back with a comment about how I wouldn't if she'd just do what I needed her to do...and round and round we went. I did, as you have done, all that I could to help her...did we do a perfect job? No, because that's impossible. We we 'abusive'? No, because we meant no harm to our moms and the hours, days, months, and years that we spent taking care of their every need proves that. Neither of us change what we said or did while we were caregivers...but we can be proud of the fact that what we did for our moms is something that not everyone can/does do and even the yelling was because we wanted to help them, even if it came out wrong at the time. Please don't beat yourself up...you're not a superhuman or a saint....but you are a loving daughter that did her best for her mom in a very difficult situation.