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Nursebarb, I read your comments and I completely understand how you feel, as I have had a very similar situation with my mom. I loved my mom dearly, I was very close to her all my life and she passed away peacefully at home with me a few days before Christmas, where she would have been 87. She had been diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2010 and I lived with her for the last 3 years, taking care of her 24/7. I cooked, gave her a shower every day and I always walked with her, as she needed someone to bring her to the bathroom or to the living room. That meant also waking up in the middle of the night to take care of her when she called for something. The most difficult part for me during the last year was when sometimes she kept her food in her mouth and would not swallow...It was the same with liquids. And taking her pills in the evening was a challenge as well, as she would sometimes spit them out... It really frustrated me, as I took all my time to take care of her, to do the groceries and always cooked good meals for her, so that she could be healthy and be well. Obviously with the stress and loss of patience, I too had to raise my voice and sometimes snap at her and be forceful so that she could eat or take her medications. I regret those moments as well and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. But you know what, a few weeks before she passed way, I had brought her to the bathroom and with great lucidity she suddenly told me out of the blue how much she appreciated all what I was doing for her and that she knew it was not always easy to cope with this. I can not tell you how much I cherish these comments and this moment when she said this. I wish I could have video recorded it! I told her it was normal that I did this for her, as I loved her dearly. Thinking about this conversation with her helps me a bit with my grief and sorrow. So there were some good days and difficult ones... Of course, when the person we love dearly is gone, we always have remorse and think how we should have done this or that instead. I can only tell you that I tried to do my best for my mom, despite my flaws and that I would do it again in a heartbeat if she was here today
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Just lost my mom January 2,2017. She was 92 years old and suffered with Alzheimer's for 4 years. I was her caregiver. I begin mourning her years ago, but watching her die was harsh. She fell, hurt her knee and became totally dependent. We bathed her fed her changed her diaper. Within days she went downhill she was eating very little but would drink some with little to no urination. Finally the death rattle started. The next day my husband and I held her hands as we saw her off to reunite with my father in heaven. Now I have to face the viewing and funeral. Don't know how I'm going to get through it. But I have faith that she is finally free of the dreaded disease that ate away at her. God speed mom
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So sorry you went and maybe still are feeling so bad tho i see thats a 4 yr old blog. I am going through similar torment of guilt bcz I wasn't with my 99 yr old mom the Saturday or the first half day wth her before she fell into a comatose kind of sleep half hr after I got there to Rehab Nursing home. I know they dehydrated her neglecting to give enough water or juice nor checked for new uti which killed her. I can go on about wishing i had known why her dementia was worse then i wouldve pushed them to get doctor for UV & meds for it. She was sooo loving! Yes 99 but was getting strong & coming home soon! Wish i had her here til her 100 birthday Mar 26 2017 which we thought was to be. Shes with God. Love u mom
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Dear Phyllis and Silvfoster,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved moms.

Its so hard to accept death no matter what age we lose our parents. I know you both did the best you could caring for your moms. Its so hard to see our parents age and witness their decline. We always wished we could have done more, I know I do.

Thinking of you both. Sending you love and hugs.
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My mom died two years ago and I am still feeling very guilty for being a bad teenager and a bad caretaker. I WAS a terrible teen, no doubt, but I eas not all that bad a caregiver. I just had two siblings who didn't like my choices but also DIDN'T wish to help. My parents are both gone. My siblings hate me, and have left too. I am alone except loving spouse. Spouse can not understand bond my mother and I had. So guilt ridden with feeling that I couldn't get all moms wishes done. Ie: to not go to nursing home. To never yell at her. My mom never cried her whole life until I started caring for her.
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I can't tell all of you how helpful and hopeful this thread of messages is to me. I lost my mom 8 months ago and with Mother's Day tomorrow, I am again a guilt ridden, sad mess. Mom and I were very close, very co-dependent but loved each other so so much. She started declining in 2015 and I now suspect she was hiding her dementia for years. I became so worried about her that I left the Bay Area and my apartment, job, etc., and moved in with her. Even though I did a lot for her and hired caregivers and took her to a day program, I felt tremendous guilt and frustration, resentment and sadness. I yelled as well and was not as kind as I needed to be. She was always sweet to me, even in her dementia. She was still sweet and loving towards me. She hallucinated and stayed up very late sometimes, she developed pneumonia and was deteriorating. I beat myself up for not spending more time with her, even if was just to hold her hand or lay in bed with her. She was scared and I wish I could've been a greater support to her emotionally, but was a wreck myself. I feel very selfish and suffer that I was not kinder to her more often. I believe that is all she really wanted. She had no one in her life that was very kind to her, yet she was there for all. I miss my mom so much every day and hope to have the willingness to forgive myself, as she would've wanted me to. We loved each other greatly and it helps so much to know that other caregivers out there have the same issues. It is interesting that I too have a brother who did absolutely nothing, yet he seems to go on just fine. I think the ones who care the most are the ones who feel the most regret and negative feelings too. We have to remember that at least we were there in some capacity. We are all doing the best we can. God bless you all and thank you.
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I too lost my Mom on March 20, 2017, I was her caregiver. I feel very responsible for her death, she had dimencia. During the night, she would get out of bed and go to the bathroom on her own, many times I would get up and make sure she was OK and give her the walker so she would not fall. This one particular evening I did not, I was so tired, hardly slept at nights because that was the worse time for mom, and my throat was hurting. Well, Mom fell and broke her hip and died in one week. If I just would of gotten up again that evening she still would of been alive, cannot get over the pain that I let her down and she died because of it.
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helen, I am so sorry. I know it is hard to see now, but it is not your fault. We do what we can, but we can't live life for two people all of the time. Accidents do happen and no one is to blame. Your mother probably had a lot more good time here on earth because you were with her. I hope that soon you will be able to forgive yourself for needing to sleep that evening. I doubt that your mother blames you. ((((Hugs))))
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My mother died February third 2018 at home with hospice. It's very fresh and I feel lost and guilty. I helped her and her husband at home but I know now not enough. We did not see the signs of cancer because she had dementia as well. I rationally know my mom is at peace now and has no pain, and that she loves all of us children with her whole heart. I just wish that I had done more. I guess I feel sad because of the life she had it was hard. I wish I had let myself give more to her while she was alive. I feel very empty now. I'm doing everything I can to honor her now. I know it just takes time. Reading these other posts makes me realize I'm not alone and thank you.
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I have been delving deep into the AgingCare archives in an attempt to help alleviate my grief and guilt over my dads passing last week and stumbled across this one. Some of the same names including JeanneGibbs. What everyone has been telling me makes sense, i.e the grief is natural, and it will be hard, but there is no reason to feel guilt. Yet feeling terrible I was not there for his last moments. I don't know if he would have been aware or not but I would give anything to go back and be holding his hand, even if that was the only sense he was not alone. What kicked the latest round off I was at Home Depot last night to return something. I noted the time and date was about 6:30, about four hours before my dad had passed. I was fairly close to the NH and it did cross my mind. My dad was struggling with breathing earlier in the day but the staff thought he was stabilized for now. So having been there earlier for hours, I just thought I had to go home. Had I gone there I would have been there when he began a slide. (The nurses said he began a slide around 7, still don't know why they didn't call me then. Their only answer was that they didn't think it was that bad) Had I gone there I would have been there for it, seen he was perhaps nearing the end, and could have been there. Instead I went home. I understand the hospice my dad had offers grief counseling for thirteen months after the event. Why thirteen? Anyway, will call them tomorrow . I think I am suffering more than rest of my family as they all have their own families to be with, and I am alone. The last few months my FT job in a sense was to be taking care of my dad, (not at home, but still driving my mom there, being there, etc) Now I feel like even that purpose is gone. Every Sunday afternoon for months I have gone to be with him, now I cannot even do that.
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Maybe our parents don’t really want their adult children to watch them die.

I’m not sure I’d want a loved one to watch me die.

The story of an elderly person peacefully passing away while the family holds her hand, massages her arm, etc — with no death rattles, no freakish surges, no cries of agony — has become iconic. 

Now let’s get real. Exits like that are the minority. The least likely scenario, to put it mildly.

Just thinking out loud.
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Karsten,

No one, not NH staff, or even Hospice staff can pinpoint what moment our loved ones will pass away.

I agree, sometimes I wonder if loved ones wait until they are alone to pass.

I agree with Black Hole above. I too hope my loved ones are not with me when I pass.

I would not want them to experience some of the things I have witnessed during the death of a loved one.

I would not want my husband or kids last memory of me to be me passing. Peaceful or not.

Hospice does offer counseling for loved ones left behind. Locally it is called bereavement counseling. I do suggest you give that a try.

Second guessing your actions and suddenly not knowing what to do with one’s self after a death are normal but no need to struggle with it longer than necessary.

Contact Hospice and let their counselors try to help you come to grips with everything.
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