To all of you who know me, lefaucon, my Mom passed at hospice last week. The guilt and condemnation that I felt was overwhelming and I began to think that I caused Mom's Alzheimer's advanced step toward death. Every body told me not to go to Mom's beck and call when she would call me in the evening begging me to come over. Well, one of those nights, she was crying and pleading with me to come and see her because she thought that she was dying and didn't have long to live. I did not go and will have that regret, guilt and hearing in my mind her pleading voice-which kills me. Mom was right, she was dying and wasn't going to live that long. But I did not go with what my spirit was telling me to do but went with what other [non CG] said - that I must learn to detach from Mom because I must learn it when she passes. HOW WRONG THEY WERE. How could I listen to people who are not in our shoes? How stupid and dispassionate could I have been? How cold and unfeeling I was. I feel totally responsible for Mom's super rapid decline cause I caused her pain, loneliness, and fright by not being at her side when she wanted me to. It's killing me.
But I was blessed by holding her, body, praying for her, and telling her that Jesus is waiting for her and can you already see his radiant light calling to her? Then she took her last breath and I looked up to heaven praising God yet crying at the same time. She looked so beautiful it shocked every body. The absolute peace on her face was just like she was sleeping except her color was off. I will never stop thanking the Lord for blessing me with the most precious and blessed time when I held my Mom in my arms when the Lord took her spirit to heaven. It was soooo beautiful. Then the guilt and condemnation began. If only I had more compassion and empathy for her feelings her mind would not have gone over the edge. I feel like its all my fault for her passing so suddently. Had I been there for her when she was crying out to me, I do not think she would of declined so rapidly. It feels like now that Mom is gone its worse for me. What do I do now? Everything in this house reminds me of her and I feel lost and paralized and am isolating myself. Her serivce is one day after her bday, which I planned to spend the whole day with her. I would give anything if I could turn back the hands of time for it to be 25 november again.
I feel lost and more than sad and along with the guilt cause I think that I pushed her into death faster than she would of is killing me. I can still hear in my head her pleading and crying voice and I cannot get out of this almost catatonic state. I thought I would have Mom for another 4-5 years cause Daddy passed just this past May. I do not want to go on.I do not know what to do, I don't know where I'm going to live and support myself.'
Please help and council and advice? Especially to bookworm and jeannegibbs who have helped me greatly all this time and given me stellar advice?
Love,
lefaucon.
The pain comes in waves. Some days are ok and some days unbearable. The pain is always there at the surface, it just depends on the degree. There is so much work to do around this house to get it ready for the realtors and appraisers for the sale. Its excruciatingly difficult boxing, donating, wrapping, throwing out of Mom and Dad's things it hurts like crazy. Sis is coming over this weekend to help me put away some of the photos of Mom and Dad and some of their things so that I do not have to turn my head at every which way to see them. That's when my mind loses control and the should of's, could of's, would of's come racking me with guilt and regret. I know what I feel is normal and the details of it all cannot be explained to another human being, I only talk about them with the Lord. He knows all of the mistakes I made. I've learned so much since Mom and Dad's passing. About life, about myself, about others. How I must change, what I must change, and the shortness of life and how precious it is and all the mistakes I've made in the past. I learn something new everyday, like a lightbulb goes off in my head. I just wish that stupid wish--I wish I knew these things before Mom and Dad passed-don't we all? I guess pain, trials and tribulations are good educators. Too bad I couldn't learn them, know them, put them into practice while Mom and Dad were alive. And yes, I did more than sis and bro did. They both told me that they could never do what I did and I guess I don't give myself enough credit and remember all the great things that I did for Mom and Dad. But you know me, I always think that I could of done more/better. Then I remember that I am not perfect, no one is, and there is no such thing as a perfect caregiver.
It's not over yet. Tons of things that need to be done and it may take the rest of the year and into next year what with the house, me looking for an apt, a job [at my age it's practically impossible], and adjusting to a new life as if I was a twentysomething. Missing my home and moving will be excruciatingly painful.
I thank the Lord for all of you and your loving advice and council. I haven't written for a long time because of all the work to do around here, and the pain kept me from even going on my computer. I don't go on the computer as much I used to--now, only about 2-3x a week, even that.
Please write to me? I need to talk to other dear ladies such as yourselves who truly understand what I am going through will you?
Please write......all of you to me?
Love you all,
lefaucon
My sincere condolences go out to you on the loss of your husband. Your words impart so much wisdom and kindness on this site.
I am at a loss as to what else to say. Just know that this cyberspace person cares about your loss and is thinking of you at this difficult time.
I cannot thank all of you loving ladies enough for your care, compassion, and loving words. May God Bless you all in your trials and tribulations. And may the Lord Bless jeannegibbs with the loss your husband with strength, faith, courage, trust in Him, and enabling you to carry on. God bless all of you!!!!!!
It will get worse for a while, and as you feel your feelings and work them through, it will get better. I think no one is ready for or expects a death to happen when it does. Please donlt torment yourself,, Cry, grieve, miss your mum and so on, but donplt get stuck in guit or anger -lest them pass. Accet that they are part of dealing with your loss. At three months feelings tends to intensify, also 6 months and particularly 9 months, 1 year etc holidays, birthday and so one (((((((hugs))))))
Even though Mom was on hospice and I saw the end coming, I was just not ready for it to happen. I moved back home to take care of my parents in 2008. In my mind, I was going to have several more years with her before any of us went anywhere.
Lefaucon, listen to jeannegibbs, she tells it like it is. Our Moms left this world because their bodies finally wore out. Your Mom knows you love her very much. It's so difficult to be a caregiver at times. Please don't beat yourself up because it sounds as though you went above and beyond for your Mom. It is obvious you are a very compassionate person.
I just needed to share because both of your posts really touched my heart. Jeanne, my condolences and prayers for you and your husband. I have always enjoyed and gotten a lot out of reading your posts.
You simply are not as powerful as you are giving yourself credit for. Your mother died of Alzeheimer's or its complications. She did not die from something you said or didn't say or something you didn't do. It is the nature of dementia to get worse. People with dementia decline at a rate determined by the disease. We can try to maintain their quality of life as long as they are living but we cannot determine how long that is. You did not push your mother into death faster than the disease did. You don't have that kind of power. The disease brought her to the end of her life. Even she sensed this. The disease was not your fault. Its progress was not your fault. The final decline was not your fault. You could not have stopped the progress of the disease no matter what you had done. You did what you thought was right at the time. Knowing what you know now you wish you had done things differently. That is understandable, and I can understand your deep regret. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not cause your mother's disease or its progression or her death. Even if you had wanted to (and you certainly did not) you just don't have that kind of power.
My husband died Thursday (3 days ago). He was on hospice care but I don't think anyone, including the hospice staff, expected his death quite so soon. He died when it was his time to die. He died on the disease's schedule. It did not consult any of us. I thought I'd have a few more months or at least several more weeks with him. I was wrong. You thought you'd have another 4 or 5 years with your mother. You were wrong. We were both wrong but that doesn't mean we were responsible or that we caused the deaths to be earlier than we expected. To quote Shakespeare, "Death, a necessary end, will come when it will come."
Mourn your mother, certainly! But don't let irrational feelings of guilt get in the way of remembering the good things. Don't get so wound up in feelings about yourself that you lose sight of the center of this event. Make your mourning about your mother, and about your religious beliefs regarding death.
Love to you in this difficult time of loss.