I used to be a nice, kind, caring, compassionate person. The one thing people always said about me is that I was kind. Now I am angry, resentful, exhausted, trapped with no way out, and feel completely powerless in this situation with an old man who calls all the shots, an absent brother in law who runs my house through his father, and my husband who keeps promising the earth but when it comes down to it only ever does what makes his dad happy. The only way to save myself from becoming completley embittered and horrid is to get out and I am so angry that I have to give up my home, my life, my marriage because of this man and nobody, nobody gets it.
I can't do this caregiving thing. I take my hats off to those of you who do, and I have enormous respect for you, but I can't do this manipulation and meanness any longer. It is not right, its not natural, and I am heart broken that I am the bad, disgusting, awful person when these three men have just taken every good thing that I offered and twisted my life into this unrecognizable shape.
I used to be a nice person. Maybe one day I will find her again, but I am really becoming scared of who I will become if I stay here.
I know its burn out. You know its burn out. The people here? Just shut up and get on with it, and then life can be happy again. The only problem in life is YOU. Ah man. How did it get to be that such a compassionate act sincerely meant ended up this way and got me into this mess?
On Aug 26 I was one person & on Aug 27th, I became another. Aug 26 I was someone who I rather liked & developed over many years...slowly learning to undo many "issues" from the childhood years. A hard one was to learn to not hide emotions & not to necessarily "keep peace at any or all costs". Aug 27 (when Mom arrived) I was taken back to many of my childhood issues.
Mom does not have dementia as of yet, but still gets upset with me if/when my voice gets a bit louder than normal. I'm not talking about a yelling/screaming match.. I'm talking of something as simple as the phone ringing when I'm in the middle of something & saying aloud to myself, "what now?" ..or as simple as forgetting to take to cookies out of the oven on time & they get a bit over-done & saying "Oh, shoot!" In fact, I am starting to hear my dad (who's been gone for 3 years), say "Dont talk to your mother like that!"
I dont resent Mom for the past... they did what they thought best at the time with what they had, & they too, are products of their upbringing.
In my first marriage I lived with mental abuse. Then I moved up: & I got both mental AND physical abuse. After leaving that, I had decided that I didnt care how or where I lived, or how poor I was, that I would never again ever live without peace in my home. My hubby now, of 7 years is a true joy to be around. Our home has been peaceful ...till Aug 27.
On the one hand, I want Mom to feel at home, but on the other hand I also want her to treat our home as if she were company. Does that make sense? On the one hand, I want her to help herself to the fridge when she's hungry (my company feels free to do that, too) but on the other hand, dont go rearranging stuff in my bathroom. (Yes, we have just one bathroom, which is a whole 'nuther story!)
Friends/Acquaintences love her to peices... she is really a lovely person, but these people have no idea what it is like to have a parent living with you. I no longer try to explain to those who have not themselves cared for a parent in their home.
Get it? Yes, I get it! Sometimes I cant believe how cathartic it is to read others' messages here & read about what they are going through & cry over these situations of people that you dont even personally know. Big hugs to all of you who are or have found themselves to be in similar situtaions! I read your posts & realize that I dont have it all that bad, after all.
Take care of YOU... no one else will. Your name is "wife", not "doormat". Your sign says "love me", not "abuse me". Resentful & exhausted? Yes. But powerless? Never....there are always options. Do some creative thinking & planning like others have suggested & take care of You!
Yes, We here, get it!
Like you I went to a caregivers conference and also like you, the RN who was speaking was talking about MY LIFE! She had somehow miraculously gotten private personal details and was sharing them with the entire room. Of course it wasn't my life but I felt like it was.
I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I have been managing my home, the home she left, an assisted living apt. (which is now closed out), her healthcare, and... I started a brand new full time job - which was a well deserved promotion for me. Stressed... just a tad!
I ordered myself a DVD of Qigong ( pronounced Chi-gong) for relaxation. I also have a Tai Chi video which I am beginning. I NEED to relax as do you. Remember one thing, nobody is going to take care of you except for YOU! JUST DO IT! Make the time for yourself, you absolutely have to and let the men fend for themselves. If they can't then they need to grow up and start taking care of everything.
Just today my daughter started pounding me emotionally with e-mails pertaining to her son, my grandson, and I finally had to tell her to let it go, this is getting out of hand. Any more e-mails from her will just be deleted. I am a very caring person with an extremely soft heart, (which I hate having) but that is how God made me. Why, I have no idea but there is a purpose. I suppose I am the only one who utilizes that soft heart to really care about Mom, when everyone else gets really frustrated and angry.
In my exhaustion, I have made some really bad decisions... like not trusting my gut on things - to which I am usually right. I end up beating myself up over what comes out of those mistakes. Going through one right now. The one thing I know is life goes on, and I just have to get over it and roll with it. Not an easy thing to do either. It does take time.
Blessings to you, make the decision to take care of yourself... you are all you have! Take care of YOU!
When you return. Set down rules. If the men cannot abide by them,then yes,by all means,get your life back in order. Manipulation is a weapon that is used against caregivers to bend their will. It is subtle.
It does not make you a bad person to think of yourself. And it doesn't really matter what strangers think. Let them have a go at it and see how they fare.
Best of luck to you.
Moonshadowgal
This is a wonderful site for teaching those that don't have caregiving responsibilities what it is really like for those who do give so much.
You guys are fantastic! Thank you for your service.
I FEEL SO FOR YOU as you can see I am not anywhere near what you are going thru but can relate just based on wanting my privacy with myself, my husband, my kids and I was once married to an indifferent then abusive man. I have all brothers and I know how men can be in this situation--ABSENT--but that does not mean you should put up with this to the point you are near a breakdown. Take a break-you will be surprised how the will step up if they have to. Hugs and support.
Your current situation, and lack of family support, raises the more important question of your husband: If and when YOU need care, will he be there for YOU?
He needs to prove that he values and cherishes you in this current situation - otherwise, you may need to start thinking about how you will care for your own self.
Hugs, and Wishing you the best in taking back your life!
our situation is compounded that fil has no medical aid, and at 90, it is becoming very difficult to arrange anything. we are currently working with a lawyer to get him a state medical aid. assisted living will not take him until he has medical aid so that is the huge stumbling block to getting him out of our home.
thank you all for caring so much to support this lonely woman in germany. saying aprayer for all of us tonight.
ps, one good thing ... my german is improving enough that i could listen to the whole presentation last night and understand most of it .... and i even could ask a question and got all the words out sort of right. thats a good thing and i am holding onto good things right now.
in amongst the ruins of Chaos dealing with my outrageous demanding, selfish parents.
I'm thinking that CPEGASO94 may be on to something with the passivity of the sons in dealing with their dad's crap. The holds are not always directly economic. In our case, my MIL still wields control over some family business/heritage (it's complicated) matters that make standing up to her more difficult than it ought to be. I should have seen the handwriting on the wall decades ago as I watched all of the family tolerate her tirades that hung just this side of verbal abuse and her chronic alcoholism. Granted, I'm not sure that even now I can think of an action plan that would have been better. What I know now about my husband's family (and what I suspect may be operating in Susan26's) is that we are dealing with some level of a narcissistic personality. The web of control such a personality weaves keeps everyone in range of it off balance and constantly self guessing. Narcissists do not change; they become more so. Know this, and shield yourself!
Stay in touch and do vent here when you need to do so. We ALL understand!
I live with a man who lost his mom when he was 9 years old. He reminded me every day how lucky I was to have a demanding mom when I was 59!
We have to keep perspective in all things....
Thank you for reminding us all of the gifts we have.
My brother always says, when faced with a fork in the road, always take the more challenging path. Let's all live our lives "fully"... and always take the more challenging path!
Sometimes I feel like loading up my car in the middle of the night and running away. Then someone else would have to step in for a change. I spend my time listening to my Mom talk, talk, talk. I've heard the stories 1001 times.
Don't feel guilty. The biggest guilt I have is not spending more time with my husband (I still worked) before he passed. I miss him so much and realize what a saint he was to put up with my Mom and her bossy, dominating ways .... all those many years.
I do not like the person I have become in the past few months since my mom has developed signs of dementia. I have had my mother living with me for the last 28 years (she's now 96 years old.) She has shown signs of dementia the past few months, has begun swearing and is recently combative. I got her to sign a POA about two months ago when she was still lucid. Her behavior during the night is upsetting as she gets up, takes a shower and washes her hair at 4:00 am. Or she will get up at 3:00 am and take the bottom sheet off her bed, remake her bed and come out dressed and begin fixing her breakfast. Or she may just get up at 2:00 am, get dressed and start fixing her breakfast... and may do it again at 5:00 am. I am divorced and both my siblings passed away several years ago, so I am her only caregiver.... and always have been as neither my brother or sister ever helped me care for mom. I have trouble sleeping so these night-time activities are making me walk around sleep-deprived during the day . She is unsteady on her feet and refuses to use a walker (says she only needs a cane,) so I'm afraid to leave her alone to even do grocery shopping, banking, etc.
She still handled her own checking account until recently. I found that she had written a check where she wrote the date, but then crossed out the year, wrote the figure for $140, then wrote over that number and made it $290 (but she signed her full name under the new figure,) then on the line where you spell out the amount, she wrote "Five Hundred and Ninety Dollars.
I finally told her she has to go into an assisted living because I can't deal with this any longer. I'm 71 and it is taking a toll on my health. She swears and screams at me and says, "Now that you have that POA and have taken all my money, you just want to kick me out!" I showed her her checkbook and that her money is still there, but she doesn't believe me.
My doctor loaned me a book last week called "The 36-Hour Day." It gives caregivers guidance when they have to make difficult decisions. Also explains why you shouldn't feel guilty when you need to make tough decisions. It's a guide to caring for persons with Dementia, Alzheimer's, and memory loss in later life.
I wish you only the best Susan in dealing with your problems. You need to do what is best for you... no one else in your house seems to care about YOU! My prayers are with you my dear!