I used to be a nice, kind, caring, compassionate person. The one thing people always said about me is that I was kind. Now I am angry, resentful, exhausted, trapped with no way out, and feel completely powerless in this situation with an old man who calls all the shots, an absent brother in law who runs my house through his father, and my husband who keeps promising the earth but when it comes down to it only ever does what makes his dad happy. The only way to save myself from becoming completley embittered and horrid is to get out and I am so angry that I have to give up my home, my life, my marriage because of this man and nobody, nobody gets it.
I can't do this caregiving thing. I take my hats off to those of you who do, and I have enormous respect for you, but I can't do this manipulation and meanness any longer. It is not right, its not natural, and I am heart broken that I am the bad, disgusting, awful person when these three men have just taken every good thing that I offered and twisted my life into this unrecognizable shape.
I used to be a nice person. Maybe one day I will find her again, but I am really becoming scared of who I will become if I stay here.
I know its burn out. You know its burn out. The people here? Just shut up and get on with it, and then life can be happy again. The only problem in life is YOU. Ah man. How did it get to be that such a compassionate act sincerely meant ended up this way and got me into this mess?
I too had started out well meaning etc. I actually gave up my home of 37 years and rented it out to my daughter, son-in-law and grand kids. (for practically nothing I might add) All of this was of course my husband's idea.
"Grandpa" started out all sweet and nice, glad to have the company and us on his leash. We moved into HIS home.
I began to feel out of place, alienated from family and friends, and a prisoner in somebody else's home.
"Grandpa" was totally oblivious to cleanliness in any form, never washed his hands even after the bathroom. He stunk to high heaven from the rear if you get my drift. He took a shower once a week. His bathroom habits were atrocious and I could go on and on. Oh and he never stopped talking, same thing over and over day after day till I could scream.
Finally one day after way too much of this crap it got real ugly. I started screaming at "Grandpa" he couldn't do anything right. I was at my wits end.
I finally went to a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist, ended up on anti-depressants, realized I was putting everyone ahead of myself. It was ruining my health, I kept gaining weight, and almost went bonkers!
I did leave. I had somewhere to go, so it was great. I have been at peace. My husband is totally confused as to why I haven't returned after 8 months. I guess he thought it was just a threat, that I was leaving. SURPRISE!!
I now have peace, I go back to visit "Grandpa" long enough to fill his medication containers and drop off food.
It's Heaven now. It was SO hard to do, just leave, but it was the best decision I've made for myself ever in my life.
Please don't torture yourself. You deserve a life too. This dude is not YOUR father. Hang in there take one step at a time and break free.
Maybe in time your husband will get the hint, you are not his father's slave, neither are you his.
HUGS,
Cara
Susan I have been wondering how you are doing in your very difficult situation. I agree that fil has to move out. Hope the paper work to get him the aid he needs so he can move out is coming together. Keep us updated!
(((((Hugs)))))
On a 3"x5" card he wrote;
"I'm not happy. You're not happy. It's over."
Holding this in the palm of his hand he walked up to her, delivered his lines, and then repeated those, and nothing else to the ensuing tirade of profanity and physical abuse. She threw the furniture all over the apt & out the window, attacked him, and called the cops (accusing him of abuse, of course -- he is a big guy, she was small -- she figured she had him nailed).
The cops walked in, looked at the apt, looked at him ("She needs to go, or I can go -- I don't care which"), looked at her (still screaming abuse) and hauled her away.
OK, so that's the really long way of saying "This isn't working for you". It doesn't matter if the 3 of them are all happy, because you are not. So...on the 3"x5" card.....
"I am not happy. Things WILL NOT continue as they are.
He can leave, or I will leave---and I don't care which."
For what it is worth, at assisted living or a care facility your FIL may behave much better.Trained professionals are sometimes better equipped to deal with his types behaviors, in part because they don't take it personally. He would not be the first cantankerous old man they had dealt with.
So, in the light-hearted fantasy realm -- Are there any long-distance relatives who might suddenly "need" care for the next few weeks? Just saying that if hubby has to deal with his Dad alone for awhile it might help him decide which of you he'd rather live with for the next 10 years...meanwhile you and your great-aunt's niece twice-removed (aka your best friend from high school who lives 3 states away) could have a lovely time shopping, gardening, drinking tea and watching old comedies while she "recuperates" from her "emergency surgery". I'm not generally a promoter of inventing stories, but it IS fun to think about... .
The people most involved in your life -- at least as you've given us to understand -- do not seem to value you as you should be valued.
Do not let them, or anyone, undermine the way you value yourself. You ARE that kind and gentlewoman -- in the present tense, not in the past. You are still she. It's just that you've been subjected to psychological violence.
Be good to yourself, Susan. If you had a friend in this situation, you would tell him/her to step away; be that friend to yourself. Allow yourself to be restored.
Those of us familiar with psychological violence understand and support you.
Heres what id do and i think another person here did this LEAVE tell your husband that unless he grows up and starts to appreciate and care for YOU that you wont be back!
Go to to a hotel,friend or whoever but just get away then see what happens your husband will wake up and you can save your marraige OR you will have your answer.
How would he have felt if this was HIS MIL? Also try therapy "in sickness and in health" and you will get ill from this stress!
No way would i put up with this behaviour like your living in some "mens club" and your opinion dosnt count would i heck!
Do your sons live there too? I would call your adult protective services and tell them he lives alone and can't take care of himself..
Look on line for a caregiver support group in your area..
Hugs to you.. Keep searching on this site for support and comfort. Many of us here are burnt out also..
Jump in.... Seriously .......