Just feeling....Lonely. Frustrated. Angry. Sad
My mom lived in the same house with her 2 sisters for over 38 years. Six years ago, both sisters passed away. On the night of my aunt’s funeral, her daughters (Who now owned the house mom lived in), threw out a proposition to me. If the kids and I moved into my mom’s apartment (more room and where I lived with my parents for 18 years before I got married), they would move my mom downstairs so she wouldn’t have to climb stairs, and they wouldn’t have to sell the house.
My kids and I had just moved into a new apartment 2 months prior and we loved it there! But what was I supposed to do? Have my cousins sell the house from under my mom after she just lost both her sisters? I had to sell most of my furniture because it wouldn’t fit in this house. And the kids and I packed up again and moved. Right upstairs from my mom.
Within the last 2 years my mom has been hospitalized many times. The first five times was for colitis and CDiff. Each time she came home I had to take Family Leave from work to care for her (I don’t get paid for it because I work for a ‘bi state agency’). I did everything for her. Bathe her, fed her, made sure she took her meds, and every time she wound up in the ER I was the only one there with her for 10 hours at a time. (I have a brother but he is basically useless. Always has an excuse for everything).
Last year my mother suffered a massive stroke. Thankfully it was a blood vessel in the back of her head that closed so all it affected was her walking. But it was touch and go and in order to save her life I had to have her transferred to a New York Hospital (NYU). She was there for 7 weeks, during which time I literally left my kids on their own and lived at the hospital for the first month then drove back and forth every day. (We live in NJ and it cost me my entire tax refund on tolls and parking during that time).
My mom spent time in 2 ICU’s and at one point was in a coma. The hospice team came to her room one day and told me my mother would never open her eyes or walk again. (Imagine our surprise when she opened her eyes that night and told us she was hungry!). Following 5 weeks at a rehab facility (Where we had to spend one night in the ER due to my mother being in excrutiating pain with her arthritis), my mother finally came home.
I love my mother. But I am burned out. I work full time and thank God my kids are older (Daughter 21, son 18), but for the last five years all I have done is concentrate on my mom. I haven’t been to the beach in five years. My mom has an aide with her during the day while I’m at work, but as soon as I come home, it’s all me. I’m tired enough as it is from getting up early each morning, and to come home and have to see to all of my mother’s needs is exhausting.
I have come to despise weekends, because I’m stuck home with my mom, taking her out wherever she needs to go on Saturdays and then trying to figure out what to do with her on Sundays because she hates staying home. There is absolutely no one to give me a break. It is such a chore getting her in and out of the house, down the stairs, in and out of the car with the walker or wheelchair, and I am just… tired. Tired to the point where I am beginning to feel so guilty because I feel so resentful. And knowing someday she won’t be here with me and I’ll wish for these days back makes me feel worse. But for right now, I just want to get rid of this anger and the feeling that all I want to do is cry. I know there are so many out there who have it so much worse, like having parents with dementia who don’t even recognize them anymore. But no matter what role of caregiver you play, it is hard as hell.
20 Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I calm this extreme anxiety I keep having?
- Mom wants her own credit card but last time I gave her one she lost it. Any suggestions on how to appease her?
- Mom sleeps till the afternoon and doesn't eat much during the day. Is a companion the right solution?
- Dealing with difficult elders. Any advice?
You can take walks on the beach, get therapy, take up booze, (thanks captain. My fav therapy too) and join a support group but the only real solution is for mom to go into a skilled nursing home and you and you kids get your own place. I know that's a tall order and maybe not possible next week but your going to go down with this ship if you don't change course.
Because of my constant struggles with father, I found something that another poster said on this site. I actually copied/pasted it to my notes. I hope you like it and maybe see which ones you can apply each day.
DETACH AND BOUNDARIES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Detaching
Accept that others are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviours of others
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
You only need love others as you love yourself -not more than. Please balance your life by loving yourself more.
Expecting gratitude from your mother is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone - it won't happen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really liked these words. I hope you do, too.
Who knows? Maybe today something good will happen! I'm in a new office building. Maybe I'll meet Mr. Right on the elevator! Or maybe I'll buy the winning lottery ticket I wouldn't have bought if I had gone to the beach!
Trying very very hard to think positive today, because I am emotionally drained and so tired of feeling like all I want to do is cry. Last night while watching TV all the commercials were of happy smiling people. I just sat there thinking, How I would love to feel like that, even for just one day. To be able to smile and to feel happy! I am sure that there are many caregivers out there, maybe even all of them, who feel the same exact way. Who have also forgotten what happy feels like.
Hanging in there! So happy I found all of you!
The crazier the world becomes, and as inequity abounds, I find myself with fresh eyes and a stronger determination to "stand my ground." You will do the same.
You know who you are. It doesn't matter what they say, or how your Mother's dementia is acting out. You are her only safe attachment, and you know what they say about who we hurt.
Know we are here for you, Sheila, and take care. :) xo
Because I told them that I couldn't afford that raise right now, this resulted in their daughters putting a For Sale sign up on our house for spite. Without even mentioning it to my mom. (Yes, the one daughter is a psycho b****). When my mom found out about the sign, she was extremely upset and cried for an entire month. Now, my mom's doctor had just taken her off coumadin due to a hematoma in her stomach from a bad cough. Not long after, my mom suffered a massive stroke. (The stroke specialist at NYU told me that my mom being so upset for so long and being off the coumadin wasn't a good combination. That every time my mom got upset and had rapid heartbeat, it caused tiny blood clots to travel to her brain).
The entire time my mom was in the hospital I received nasty and threatening texts and voicemails from my cousins and their daughters until I finally blocked them all.
Still in shock that this happened, because I grew up with these people and spent my entire life with them! I have not spoken to them since.
After she recovered my mother wanted to know what went on, why I refused to have anything to do with my cousins, so my daughter and I told her. Every now and then the one cousin comes to see my mom, but now the house is for sale again. I CANNOT live with my mother. Just her being downstairs and the kids and I upstairs is close enough! My mom is very opinionated and all we do is argue lately. As soon as I walk in the door she is full of complaints (My son didn't put the top back on the garbage can in the yard, the back hallway is dusty, etc. etc. ETC). She also takes prednisone, which, for anyone who has had to deal with someone taking that, you know the change in personality that sometimes goes along with it.
No matter how patient I try to be, the things she says to me (Like as far as my cousins go, "YOU are the troublemaker!") are hurtful. Of course she will claim that SHE is the one who is 'abused' and miserable living with us.
There is so much.....My kids get upset because when my mom pushes my buttons they see how miserable she makes me. My daughter (who is 21) already told me that if my mother winds up living with us, that she will move out, that's how crazy my mom makes all of us.
I actually dread going home from work. Thank you, all of you, for your replies!
So set up a schedule with your relatives or even friends of your mom. Even if you can get away for an afternoon or evening on the weekend, do it! And you're not responsible for making your mom happy and meeting her every need. That's up to her. Your first obligation is to take care of yourself and to keep your mom safe and fed. If she doesn't like to stay home on the weekend, see if there are community resources where she can go. Or other folks who can take her out. Does she have a faith community? Get them involved if you can. Good luck!
Pour me another tequila, SheilaC, will you? Fight. Never Surrender!
That's a Long GUYland girls humble opinion. ;)
SheilaC, you are going to make it out of the slump. Stay with us. WhooHoo!! xoxo
You are doing a wonderful thing for your Mom and I (we) totally understand your feeling frustrated, angry and sad. We all have many days like that. There is very little appreciation and understanding of all a caregiver does.
This online community DOES understand and appreciates each other because we are all in the same boat.
This is a day to day job that unfortunately has a HUGE "catch 22". It could be a thousand days...or today could be the last. You need to treat each day as if it could be the last (with extra love and affection towards Mom), while dealing with the smidge of resentment, pinch of frustration, obvious sadness (due to the fact that caregivers have already started the mourning process), and the anger, that, in my opinion, is more sadness, but in disguise.. Then there is the BIGGIE. The GUILT we feel about having these negative emotions. It's natural. It's tough to endure. We are all there with you.... and coming here and knowing you are not alone will be great help.
Speaking of help....what I have learned on my journey is you have to actually ASK for it. Your kids are old enough to stay with Mom for a day or 2 a month so you can go to the beach...or wherever you can, to get time to yourself. Talk to them. I have a feeling they are GREAT kids, with a Mom like you. What about the cousins who own the house? Can't they visit the Aunt that lived with their Mom's for so many years? ASK them. It couldn't hurt.
Forgive my overlong sentences and ramblings......I just want you to know...YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Come join us for friday night "happy Hour".....and bring a joke!