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We've all got to be less hard on ourselves though. Not saying it's good to let oneself go but I swear if someone said to me the things I say to myself when I look in the mirror sometimes I'd probably hit them.

I've always been really self critical and now that I'm in my sixties I'm really trying to be more gentle with myself. Yeah, it's all not as firm as it once was but that's life. I used to never leave the house without full makeup on. What a burden that was.

Take care of your health. That's the most important thing. The looks thing? Ah well.................
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Gurshun, you are so right. 😊
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Dear Caregiver, I feel your pain and frustration. I am caring for a husband that has had 2 strokes and 5 heart bypasses and has undiagnosed dementia. We are constantly at odds with each other because he cannot be pleased. He sleeps all day and is awake all night. He has severe anxiety and will walk the floors until he is exhausted and begins to fall. Just the stress of dealing with him and the lack of sleep has made me look older than I am. Like you I never wear anything nice anymore and I never put on makeup or style my hair. I just don’t see the point but I do understand how you feel.
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Someone told me I got more lines on my face after my Dad passed…yup not at all what anyone needs to hear.

I made up a saying I’ll share now: ‘ being practically dressed for the situation/event/weather is sexy’. Why not! Isn’t it??

Years ago I also described my look as ‘frazzled chic’, which has stuck and has become my signature style for sure.

And I do love painted toenails! That’s my big fun grooming pleasure. Don’t always have lovely painted toenails but getting a pedicure and looking down at the results gives me a boost. Happy toes.

Cheers, everybody!
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I describe my look as "old hag". I've seen it before when I was long term caregiving and grieving. I do not want to see that person in the mirror and I am trying to get enough sleep, eat right, rest, not stress....all the things you need to do. Even with all that, it's hard not to see the stress of life show up physically. When you go out away from caregiving, wear your nice clothing and put on makeup. I will tell you that the exhausted person you see in the mirror will go away once the stressful conditions are over. It takes time, but you can recognize yourself again in time.
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Get a care agency to do a couple of hours on a Monday once a month and then book an hour's massage at your local spa or health centre, a full body massage with citrus aromatherapy oils to uplift. It may be your local Care Community will fund it, or your council. Mine did. You will feel two feet taller, relaxed and able to face the rest of the day. You will also feel more positive and therefore able to address things for you like diet. My local health centre had a vegetarian cafe that treating myself to delicious homemade brunch after the massage made me change my eating habits generally. The knock on effect will be your appearance. You will feel and look more radiant. You will walk taller. Just a couple of hours to do this will make a difference. And yes, then it is back to the seemingly endless task of caring... but it will help. Just my experience.
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I go to church to wear the clothes I would like to wear more often but the activity of the day doesn't warrant that. Then I come home and change into sweats (usually after a trip to Costco where I am still wearing my church clothes).

At Costco I notice others not dressed that nicely although recently there was a mother there with her two sons and husband and she was beautifully dressed so there are exceptions.
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I feel like people in general don't dress up the way they use to
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I have noticed more dressy clothes in Kohl’s . Don’t have anywhere to wear it though . Men don’t wear suits much anymore either . I remember my DH wore a suit to work everyday early in our marriage . Now he wears jeans unless he has an important meeting or he’s presenting. But even then , no suit anymore. Slacks and a dress shirt , maybe a tie and blazer .
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There‘s not much to look forward to as a caregiver. It’s Groundhogs Day of watching your life pass you by
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Thanks for all your replies - please keep them coming! There's alot of hard won wisdom in all these replies and the witty postings really made me laugh, too. Much appreciated and very helpful. It's good to know I'm not alone experiencing this lower priority aspect of caregiving.

Sincerely,
LostinPlace
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I am hoping the new eyeliner & lip crayon I ordered online is going to take me from tired carewarn face to Wow, what have you done? You look so fresh & fabulous!

Oh & maybe reduce a few straggly grey hairs & lose a kilo...

Do you think my hopes are reasonable?
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I'm sure it will Beatty. :)

Then maybe everyone will say "Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline."

I bought some blush the other day thinking the same. Instead I resembled a clown.

But hey, hope in a bottle..........or a eyeliner lip crayon. Can't fault one for trying.
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Gershun, LOL.

Blush.. oh.. I once bought this gorgeous cream blush. Strongly pigmented so just need a VERY little dab & then rub in it well...

I went to work one time, rushed in past my boss (an old boss I call The Snake) & heard her snicker. Yep. I had forgot to blend it 😪

I hate it too when the colour looks great IN THE STORE but like a clown or Barbie later..
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Beatty, I've worked for some Snakes as well.

I've had my makeup done at make up counters in the past and I've always come home and washed it off immediately. I wear very little makeup and they always layer different colors on different areas of my face. I guess it's called contouring.
Not for me!

I'll just keep dabbing my blush on. Lightly.

I hope your eyeliner and lip crayon perk you up. :)
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For us older gals , I read that if you color/fill in your “ fading” or invisible eyebrows that it makes a big difference in making you look less , tired and old.

I tried just a little and it did help . I never used eyebrow pencil before . I tried a few times to practice before using it for my son’s wedding . I’m glad I did , it looked very natural in the photos. I looked less tired and haggard than photos without any makeup . All I used was a light foundation , alittle mascara and alittle eyebrow pencil . I might have used alittle blush too , and slight lip color. But I think having visible eyebrows in the photos is what really helped the most.
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Way, I've been religiously putting cover, powder and blush on, I shout add the eyebrows to the regiment.
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My daughter has the most beautifully shaped dark brows naturally. I however, have lopsided mostly invisable whitish ones. Always have had. I have a decent pencil (also ordered a new one) but as a treat I would get them done professionally for summer - but risky, as a new stylist had to understand my pourus hair -
Been left looking like Groucho Marx a few times 😩

My daughter taught me to shape better via youtube videos & to dye them myself using men's beard dye. 5mins on & wash off & the one box lasts like a year. So much cheaper! Yes, time for a brow re-do tomorrow. Thankyou ladies!! I am feeling refreshed already!
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Went to a doc appt ...wow I thought, I almost look nice again! I wear aprons at home a lot while caregiving my mom but yes, I'm tired of the super sloppy look. That's just not me. I still try to fit in a little makeup when the nurses come by, very minimal, hair neat, earring studs, stand tall don't slump. I haven't dropped my standards because it feels defeatist.
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I think we all are harder on are selves than others are!

Neighbor stopped in a bit ago , and after he texted me. Said I don't want you to think I'm a creepy neighbor, but dam , what ever you're doing keep doing it.

I think it's cleaning 2 homes, water a zillion plants and worked a lot on my posture after I ruptured a disk.
Maybe stress is good for me. I've always been a bit backwards. 😆
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Well, I do look older and feel like I am 80 some days instead of 67 due to the last few years of major stress, but one thing I like to do that makes me feel a little more spiffy is to sometimes wear a dress around the house with some comfy sandals.
I found some A-line shift dresses (cotton knit with POCKETS sewn in the side seams) on sale with a catalog order company. They were inexpensive enough that I ordered several in a variety of prints and colors. They are machine wash and dry. The prints help hide stains so I don't worry about getting them dirty and ruining them working around the house. They feel cooler in this hot weather and are very comfy.
I feel less haglike and more girlie when I put on one of those, add some tinted moisturizer to my face, a dab of lip gloss and a spritz of rosewater from a local healthfood store. I put my comfortable but cute sandals on and I feel fresh, feminine and it gives me a boost. Not much effort involved, but makes a big difference in how I feel.
Buying an inexpensive face mask at the drug store, or hair mask and taking a few extra minutes to do once in a while before my shower when I have the time helps me feel a little pampered, too, and makes a small improvement. I opted for a simple easy care haircut , so it looks okay without much time or fussing involved. My hair is collarbone length so I have a few pretty clips to put it back or up somedays. Leave in conditioner helps cut out a step in the shower and helps the appearance of my hair.
I suppose I have lowered my expectations somewhat. It is a different stage of life with different demands. We just have to do the best we can with different priorities. I am more focused now on how something makes me FEEL rather than how I LOOK. A cooling rose spray, or a dab of lavender oil or jasmine makes me feel pretty and lifts my spirits, so then the resulting smile makes me look better, too! (((Hugs)))
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I feel the same way, I sure don't know how people do this for a living...
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Pjdela, thoses dresses sound adorable! And practicial too! Pockets are the world's best invention. It should be spring here soon - time for some prettiness!
🌸🌼🌻
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I avoid any kind of reflective items so I don't catch a glimpse of myself. Last time I did, I was amazed at how much I had aged, That was a few weeks ago. I've been running around since Mom's stroke 5 months ago and have had her almost permanently at my house for 2. Only 2 months! This. is . exhausting.
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Not me so much but my house, I feel like I let things go way more than I use too.
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I think that anxiety is one of the worst things about caregiving, even when it isn't hands on. I have been gone on vacation and am finding I was quite relieved to be away from AC (and most other social media). I am wondering if I do not need to cut way down as in cutting out some things.
To be honest, the questions we get here are questions that, for the most part have no answers.
"What will happen to my loved one"
"What will the end look like"
"When will the end come"
"I am so exhausted and have no help"
and it goes on in a like manner--I find a 100 different ways to say "You cannot know" and "Not everything can be fixed".
I understand that caregivers live in an almost perpetual anxious state waiting for the next shoe to drop and trying to preplan what to do about that shoe when it does.
Honestly I am about at the end of trying to have any answers at all. There just seems not to be any other than "You didn't break it. It isn't fixable. And you can't do a thing about it."
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Alva,
Someone needs to hold the line on answering to AI.
Your list of questions look a lot like AI questions.
"What will happen to my loved one"
"What will the end look like"
"When will the end come"
These questions differ greatly from a real person wanting a real connection.
It is a waste of our time and experience.

We know you.
We need to hear from real persons, known to the posters on the forum.

If you need to cut back, do that, yes!

If someone cannot be an 'expert' at avoiding a fake AI poster, go by your gut and your experience. No need to identify or discuss the intruder, just ignore.

By the time I post this, AI will have edited my post.

Please stay with us, only as long as you are able.
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Alvadear, when I joined I was a complete basket case, You and Needs help, and other saved me from who knows what. Not sure where I would of been without you guys

I completely gave up on humanity. I couldn't even ask a question because I didn't think anyone would care enough to answer.

I want you to do what is best for you!! Even though I would miss the hell outta you!!

I've tried to cut back, and only answer questions that mean something to me. When I answer a question about, why does my mom treat me so badly, or whatever, it helps remind me why I can't go back to the person I was and actually helps me, if not more that the OP. But that's,Where I am in life right now.

I love your stories, and I love the person you are.

I won't tell you to stay , like I said I want what's best for you, but I will say, please check in from time to time, if you do decide to leave.
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Hey there fellow burned out caregivers!

My update:

So hello fellow exhausted and depressed caregivers who need respite but can't arrange it. You'all warned me that my health would suffer without respite - and it has.

Just thought I'd mention that what I thought was just extreme caregiver burnout was recently diagnosed by a neurologist as Fibromyalgia - which I hadn't even realized is a bona fide medical thing. The cause of Fibromyalgia isn't exactly known, but stress and lack of sleep and depression are considered to be factors to cause it. Luckily, Fibromyalgia isn't a deadly disease, but once it starts it's a chronic condition that can flare up from lack of sleep and stress.
So in case you are wondering if you might have Fibromyalgia here are the most common symptoms:
-extreme fatigue that doesn't go away
-trouble sleeping
-pain in muscles and joints that moves around
-brain fog
-headaches/migraines
More associated symptoms:
-depression
-IBS - problems with gut function
-women get it more often than men
-excessive heavy lifting and/or physical activity

It's possible to have Fibromyalgia and caregiver burnout at the same time. :-)
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Lost in place, I'm so sorry, it will be a challenge, but I here it's manageable. I'm not at all surprise to read someone getting fibromyalgia caregiving.

Let us know more about it as you learn more, and how to treat it, and through out your journey

I suspect keep your stress level down is one of the many things they say, to do, maybe now you have an excuse to make sure you don't over stress.

Best of luck
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