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EP, I could just cry for what you are going thru at the moment; I feel your pain. Worrying & wondering about your DHs cancer is a lot, I know, but then to add your brother's issue into the mix is just too much. Sometimes you just have to take things one HOUR at a time, try to do the 4-5-8 breathing exercises to make sure you're breathing properly (in thru the nose to the count of 4, hold for 5, out thru pursed lips slowly to the count of 8). It helps calm panicky breathing. Friday can't come soon enough and then you'll have some questions answered. My DH is the same as yours; he's calm as can be; more worried about ME than himself. I like how you're handling/not handling your NM and her BS. Leave it to HER to have something totally useless & INSULTING to say to you in YOUR time of need, like 'it's not about you.' Really? Thanks for nothing, as usual, enter her first name here. That's what I feel like calling my NM these days, at DHs suggestion, in fact. Thanks for nothing, JoAnn. I am sending up prayers that your DHs melanoma is localized and they get it all, and it's a one and done surgery as well. Hoping the same for my DH and that you and I can be FINISHED with these issues.

I think you shouldn't try too hard to 'protect' your NM from what's happening in your life and in your brother's life. Say as little as humanly possible to her, but in the end, don't kill YOURSELF trying to protect HER b/c the truth WILL come out eventually. I know that if I wind up speaking to mine again and she gets too demanding, I will tell her MY HUSBAND HAS CANCER AND THAT IS MY PRIME FOCUS NOW MOTHER SO BACK OFF. I have one goal in life right now and that is to protect my HUSBAND not my NM, which I know you can relate to. Everything else in life takes a back seat to what's important, and that includes your brother. Your NM, in reality, is FINE (as usual), just kicking up a RUCKUS.....she is irrelevant and should be silenced.

For me, I'm not asking the staff to do ANYTHING in terms of my NM b/c she'd just DENY everything and paint ME out to be The Bad Guy, lying thru her teeth, blah blah. I've got my phone ringer turned off b/c lately, the sound of that ringer is traumatic. If the MC calls, I can listen to the voicemail. My DD is coming over today b/c it's her 28th birthday today & we're going to celebrate something POSITIVE and I have a bunch of gifts for her including a VERY large black iron bear wine rack which is super cool; I think it came from an Arts Festival. I want to have 2 days of R&R before DH goes into the hospital on Weds.
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Piper,

Please know that our hearts are with you during this extremely difficult time.

Wishing you peace as you move towards a resolution.

This is a heartbreaking situation.
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Thank you ladies, the support helps more than I can say. Well my DH’s surgery date somehow got messed up and it’s actually going to be April 8th. This waiting is pure agony!

I know I have to take care of myself and calm this anxiety. For some reason mornings have been the worst as I wake up with racing thoughts. It gets a little easier when I distract myself with things I need to do.

I’m having irrational fears about losing my DH. I’m glad he’s as cool as a cucumber because that does help.

Lea enjoy your DD! My son is also a calming and happy force in my life. Enjoy every second! You too Chris, isn’t your son home now? I’ll get to see mine in May, can not wait!

Hugs to all of you ladies.
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EP: UGH!!!!!!!! April 8th is a way's away, isn't it? The waiting is def the worst. And I'm with you............my anxiety is THE worst first thing in the AM. I can't sleep........as soon as my eyes open, my brain starts racing and the anxiety ramps up something fierce. Remember my practice: ask yourself this question: what is wrong AT THIS VERY MOMENT? The answer is always Nothing; we're either projecting into the future (anxiety) or dwelling on the past (depression) b/c in the present moment, nothing is ever wrong (unless the bed is on fire). It often helps me remember to stay in the PRESENT MOMENT and quit projecting into the future. As soon as I wake up with anxiety, I start praying & that helps me quite a bit.

I have a lot of irrational fears about losing my DH too, you're not alone with those thoughts. It means we love them fiercely, so that's a good thing, right? :)

Sending you a big hug and reminding you to take care of YOU and do something nice for yourself today
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Piper and Lea,
Praying here for those procedures. May all go smoothly, and be over one and done, as you say!
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I am praying too!
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I swear my autocorrect is bonkers! It’s a post way back but it bugs me! LOL

I typed about my mother in law’s crazy mom. Then I thought that I put mother in law but it came out as stepmom. She never had a stepmom, but my MIL was cursed with an awful mom and mother in law. How sad!

How my mother in law turned out so balanced and loving is a mystery.

I do love what she told me once, she said that most people learn what to do from their moms but she learned what NOT to do from hers.

That’s how she broke cycles. She did the exact OPPOSITE of her mom, making her an incredible mother and mother in law.

Another thing I will always remember is her crying at her mother in law’s funeral and saying, “I am not crying because she’s dead. We didn’t have a warm relationship. I am crying because of what could have been. She didn’t have to be so jealous of me thinking that I stole her son from her!”
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Lea-Just read your 3/28 post, about not taking your mother's calls, etc. Please stick to your plan to not respond for however long YOU like. Yes, she'll blow up your phone, so consider blocking her calls/texts until you feel like dealing with her again. I started using the 'block' feature whenever mother's behavior was causing me increased stress/anxiety. What i discovered was that there was never anything in her calls/messages/texts which i missed, that I wanted to hear anyway. Beware, though, after a period of silence on your end, your mother may invent a 'crisis', or have a 'need', or try being pathetic, in an effort to reestablish the status quo (of her entitlement to your time/labor/attention). I read anger in your post; sometimes anger can be your friend. It is trying to protect you from further hurt/pain in this particular relationship (with mother).
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Stilldealing.....I haven't taken NMs calls yesterday and turned the ringer off on my phone again this afternoon and evening. So far, she has not called for me not to answer. So no contact at all, not caving in on my part. And you're right, I AM angry. Who TF says such a thing to their own daughter? She hit below the belt, for spite, and she can eff right off now. Anger is a much more powerful emotion to get us moving than any other. She's tried every other trick in the book to get to me, but this one did the trick. Bravo. You win and we both lose this time.

When the hurt wears off a bit, I'm sure we'll speak again. But something has forever changed between us now, something no hollow apology can ever fix. Oh, and I'm sure you're right, she WILL invent some high drama crisis to reestablish her place in my life. Good luck with that.
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Elaine,

Wouldn't it be great if we could write a book???
"True Confession of a Caregiver to a Narcissist ".

A compilation of stories from the dark side!! Lol

Pardon my daydream! Lol
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EP & Lea,

Speaking as someone who has cancer, try to put your NMs on the back burner as much as you possibly can!!
Your spouses need you to be their rock!

It's a lot to ask (I know).

I can't imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and my DH was the one with cancer. It would be a terrible strain trying to deal with his illness and my LOs at the same time. However, I can tell you that I need my DH now more than ever!!

I'm sure you both realize this, but since I'm on the other side of this scenario, I thought I would share!

Love & Prayers to both of you!!😘
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Jodi, not sure why you felt the need to share such a statement b/c the LAST thing in the world I could possibly forget, even for 1 nanosecond, is that my DH has cancer and/or that it's my job to be his rock. He, however, doesn't even want to TALK about it so we try to go on with 'life as usual' around here, and that does include 'life as usual' things such as my NM, who (as I said in an earlier post) WILL be told that my DH has cancer if she gets too demanding, and that HE takes top priority in my life.

I can't speak for EP but methinks she feels the same way since in an earlier post she stated she's barely functioning.
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Lea, you've said your role right now is to be your DH's rock, which I totally get. I'm worried about who, if anyone, is looking after you right now?
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Thanks Chris............very few people worry about the caregiver, I get that. It's always the 'patient' they worry about. I responded to a post here yesterday where the dad was the CG to the mom and he was killing himself literally; the DD was worried about dad taking a break and how MOM would react to not having her DH there! People don't seem to realize there's more than ONE life involved with illness and caregiving in general!

I do have a DD (the RN) and a couple of step children who always call and ask about me. My stepson the LPN is coming with me tomorrow to wait in the hospital waiting room during DHs surgery b/c they've opened things up here and are allowing more visitors. So I won't be alone this time, and I'm super grateful for that!

As always, I am looking after myself as I've done my whole entire life. And DH is looking after me, too, b/c he always puts me #1 in his life, even when HE himself is ill and/or struggling. So we kind of scrape by, he and I, leaning on one another and making the best of it, being best friends thru thick & thin. And I can always count on my DD (who lives 1 mile away) and my stepson the LPN, thank God.
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Hi lealonnie, I am happy your stepson will be with you during your DH surgery for support. Sending my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.
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Lea,
So good to hear that you will have company in the waiting room.
How long will the procedure be?
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Lea, I'm glad to read that you have a support network. Maybe your network can take a bit more of the strain for you over the next few weeks. Sometimes people want to help, but are not sure what to do. Don't be afraid to ask favours of them and to explain what you need. It sounds like they will help you.
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Lea,

I am so very glad that you won’t be alone.

You will most definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.

My husband has a very similar personality to yours. He didn’t want to be the focus during his cancer. I understand how they feel.

Take care.
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I have been dreading and dreading visits with my mother.

Today, I brought my cute, sweet, almost-two year old grandson with me to drop off a few things to my mother.

I didn’t allow her to go into the incessant list of negativity that she usually dives into. I just walked my little guy around her room, pointing out decorations and fun things like her toothbrush! Pad of sticky notes! Cup of pens!

My mother smiled! And I didn’t have to feel like I was getting punched in the stomach for 30 minutes!

I may count this visit as my once-weekly! Yippeeee! Sigh of relief!

It sooo helps knowing there are others out there that GET this!
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cxmoody,

That is brilliant! Hey, if it works, why not?
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Colleen.........it's all about DISTRACTION! Brilliant move!! DH's procedure takes about 90 minutes, but we have to check in at noon, surgery at 2 pm, and then he'll stay overnight. The pain can be bad afterward & they want to be able to give him pain meds IV, so he'll get released on Thurs pending no issues. He also has the heart issues and a pacemaker, so extra precautions are being taken. BUT, they do NOT plan on giving him general anesthesia so that's a good thing. They can give him IV sedation and Propofol to knock him out during.

Thank you NHWM, we will take ALL the prayers we can get. Every single one helps.

Chris, you are right. People often don't know what to do for someone; I am not afraid to ask for what I need and I WILL!

Earlybird, I am thankful to have my stepson with me tomorrow; he's a chip off the old block, a big teddy bear & a very loving individual who I can always count on for support. DD would be there but she just started a new job & I DO NOT want her asking for time off; there's no need for it.
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Lea, prayers with DH for a good outcome and with you for peace in your heart.
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Thanks Barb......peace in my heart sounds very good right now.
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Lea, thoughts and prayers going out to you and your DH for his procedure tomorrow. I’m so glad your step son will be with you. Big hugs to you. Please keep us posted. I will be thinking of you.
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Lea,

Please believe me!!
I was in NO WAY trying to berate or shame you in any way!!

I just understand how consuming it is caregiving!

I know that sometimes written words can be misunderstood.
So apologize from the bottom of my heart if my words hurt you in anyway!!
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Jodi, I understand your explanation of what you were trying to say.

Caregiving is all consuming, this is true. It's actually been nice NOT talking to NM the past couple of days; no phone calls, nothing. She's on a tirade, apparently; called my DD tonight (who she normally dislikes) and told her she loves her sooooooooooo much and is sorry my son had a baby and not HER, b/c she prefers HER over HIM any day! My son is the golden child who she's never said a word against in her life. She said a lot of other ugly things which my DD did not divulge; no point in doing so. This is just more B.S. from a bitter woman who's obviously gone off the deep end & is trying to hurt the remaining loved ones in her life. I've again turned my phone ringer off and will continue to do so as I focus on the important thing in my life right now, DH.

Thanks for the kind message, I appreciate it.
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Lea,

I agree with you about taking a break from your mom.

That is a big advantage of NOT having your mom live with you.

YOU get to call the shots in a way that is best for you.

Do you remember that silly commercial from long ago with Calgon bath products? I will paraphrase. I think it was something like, “Calgon take me away!”

Well, when my husband got home from work I would take a long bath with my favorite bath products, not Calgon LOL.

Sometimes I would even pour myself a glass of wine to sip in the tub!

It did relax me but I couldn’t ever totally get away like you.

I LOVE that you can turn your phone off and NOT see her for awhile for your own self preservation. You don’t need that kind of stress EVER but especially now with being concerned about your husband.

Your mom is doing what my mom did, stirring the pot. She should not involve your children in this, just like my mom should not have involved my brothers and of course, they never relay the facts exactly as they happened.

I still can’t get over that your mom didn’t appreciate the photo of her great grandson! That’s so puzzling to me. I would have been so hurt.

There was no excuse in the world for what she said to you. That was terribly wrong.

I would have been beyond upset with her. She does not make anything easy for you.

I am sure that you don’t care to dwell on it. I never wanted to dwell on things my mom did but when I went to my therapist he would hand me the box of tissue on his desk. There would be days that I cried my eyes out, days that I was hurt and upset and days that I was completely numb if that makes any sense to you.

I know for awhile it took me time to realize that I had a right to be angry. It wasn’t until my therapist said to me, “You know, it’s okay to be angry. It’s okay that you lost your temper. You’re a grown woman and you don’t need your mom’s approval on everything.”

It finally hit me that I had been groomed for so long to please her that I felt like such a failure if I didn’t.

I distinctly remember you telling me in a posting one day that I had no reason to feel like a failure. Then my therapist told me the same thing too. It was my light bulb moment. I had two people that I respect greatly saying the same message. I think Barb told me also that I had a right to be angry about certain things.

I can never thank you and others enough for waking me up. I was blind in so many ways. I suppose because I was caught up in it for so long.

Sometimes, we honestly cannot see what others can see. I am so grateful that I stayed in therapy long enough and leaned on the other caregivers on this forum to help.

It wasn’t easy for me. I was very sensitive to criticism due to my mom being a perfectionist. Somehow I managed to hang in long enough to hear the valuable information.

So thanks once again and I know that I wasn’t as smart as you were but I do want you to know that you are welcome to lean on me if you ever need to.
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NHWM,

perhaps you weren't as wise to your NM as you are now.

Please know that your experience and advice is helpful to all of us now!!

I'm grateful for your insight !

God works in mysterious ways!!😘
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Nhwm, I don't know how smart I am but I do know I've been angry and disappointed and disgusted with my NM for decades now. Only now has she gone too far, but really, she started this crap about 4 or 5 yrs ago after dad died when she called me to come over to her apt in Assisted Living. She was chomping at the bit to tell me something vile about my father, about why he "couldn't give her children of her own" and how she always hated him for that, and on and on. She was so bitter about not having "children of her own" and what he had stripped her of, she was snarling. I was shocked. I was expected to sympathize with her, believe it or not. I actually told her I was sorry she was childless and unhappy her whole life. She pretended it was ok that she adopted me, it was better than nothing. I left her place badly shaken. DH was livid and so was DD when I told them the ugly story. That's when I promised never to visit the woman alone again.

She never brought it up again. I didn't forget that terrible day, but I put it out of my mind so I could continue doing all the many many things I DO for her.

This past Sunday, the gig was up. No more pretending on her part it was ok she got saddled with me. She isn't hiding it anymore, the truth has been told.

What shes doing now is known as triangulation I believe. Trying to turn my DD against my son, playing them against one another, ignoring me, etc. It's just more narc behavior and mental illness at play. More of my NM feeling sorry for herself and soliciting flying monkeys to be on her side. I've lived with all of this crazy sh*t for 6+ decades now and I'm totally worn out and beaten down. That's why I would NEVER take her in to live with me.....my God.......I would have died long ago! There's no nice or normal in the woman, none. But now she's turned a corner into a new level of mean and horrible. The bitterness is huge now. Maybe she will calm down soon, idk......I just want and need to be AWAY from her entirely for some length of time, for my own sanity. I get to call the shots, but none of this works for me and nobody wins, you know? It was the right decision all along to never take her in, but now the gloves are off and the fight is on. Idk how this will all play out and I'm to the point where I don't care. I'm burned out.
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Lea, thinking about your mother’s reaction to you giving her that lovely photograph of your new grandson, it strikes me that your mother was jealous of your happiness. Her reaction was to spoil it for you, as for whatever reason she did not have the capability to share this happiness with you. The lesson here is to avoid sharing your joy with these kinds of people as they will ruin it for you, every time. My mother spoilt things like this, on numerous occasions, so I stopped sharing positive things with her and only discussed neutral topics. If you reveal too much of yourself, they cannot resist “stirring the pot”, as NHWM says. There also always has to be a “hero” and a “villain “. You say your DS was the hero for many years, with your DD as the villain, in your mother’s eyes. It’s possible she has twisted these round with your DS now the villain, DD the hero, again through jealousy about your DS’s new son. She’s also trying to get at you indirectly via your DS and DD as you are not taking calls from her. My stepmother does the same, trying to draw my DS into her various situations as I have gone no contact with her. In my stepmother’s eyes, I am the villain and my DS the hero. It’s worth having theories to explain all of this twisted behaviour as you can then pre-empt it by taking the appropriate action to stay one step ahead of the games.
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