Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
Looks like I'm in the clear for now!! Hallelujah!!
I may be able to go one year until my next colonoscopy!
I would like to say that I am stress free now, but the C word is kinda hanging over my head.
I've decided to just live my life and let the chips fall where they may! Life is good!!
Also, after 6 months of fighting with Morgan Stanley to close out my Uncle's account that had my Aunt as beneficiary, I finally made it happen today!!
Not a huge amount, but enough to pay for 5 months of MC!!
Feeling kinda proud!!
I'll take my victories where I can!!
Yay! That is wonderful news. I am so very happy for you!
Just a thought, but would it be worthwhile to see if you could get a police escort?
That way NM can't make outrageous claims!
God bless!!
Trying to play catch up, but my brain is just totally fried today!
I think (if it goes thru) settling the Morgan Stanley account is the last piece of my deceased Uncles finances.
It's taken me 18 months of very intensive work to get my Aunt all that she is entitled to.
Went to visit NM on Friday.
At one point I was digging my nails into my DHs leg.
I honestly can't remember exactly why. Maybe something about the rug I had dry cleaned that wasn't up to her standards . Or watching her pick thru her dinner (that she ordered), and listening to her complain about how horrible the food is.
I know I have said this before, but it still amazes me that my NM that is in her (again narcissistic ) right mind can be so unappreciative, while my Aunt with Alzheimer's can be so grateful!!
When I was a very young, I used to pray that God would make my Aunt and Uncle my parents!
How ironic is it that I have for all intents and purposes become my Aunts caregiver?
Sorry for the rhetorical question!
I believe that our deceased loved ones send us signs!
My grandmother always had hundreds of hummingbirds at her house while I was growing up.
I used to sit on her patio for hours watching them.
I tried for 3 years in Colorado to get hummingbirds. Nothing!!
One year, as I was on a step ladder hanging a hummingbird feeder, I was talking to my deceased grandmother in my head. Praying (if you will), that she would send me a hummingbird.
I kid you not!! I still had the feeder in my hand when up flew my first hummingbird!!
So I will forever think of my grandmother when the hummingbirds return to my house!
At our new home, I have 4 feeders that I have to refill every few days!!
It makes me happy!!
I used to want to live with my aunt and uncle when I was a kid too.
My mom’s sister was a lovely lady and she married my dad’s brother who was equally as nice.
So they were sisters and sister in laws and brothers and brother in laws.
So, that made my cousins, double first cousins! Wild, huh?
I loved my parents but things were very confusing at times in my home.
Things were peaceful at my aunt’s house. So, yeah I spent lots of weekends and summers there.
Sadly, my aunt and uncle died very young. He had cancer and she died from kidney disease. My parents took in my cousins.
Life is full of surprises, isn’t it?
As always. Thanks for your insight and kind words!!
I find it so incredibly sad that I actually worry more about my Aunt than I worry about my NM.
I do love my Mom, however, she makes it so hard for me to feel sympathy for her.
It gives me comfort to know that so many of you are going thru the same emotions!
I am so grateful for everyone who pours their heart out here on this thread!!
All of the insight helps me to know that I am not alone!!
I hope our newcomers will see that they are not alone as well!😘
My aunt was so much fun! She always made me feel special too.
My uncle was the same. I suppose that they were my second set of parents.
They took me on vacation with them and everything.
Yesterday was a real day of celebration for us in England, as shops, leisure, pubs/cafes/restaurants were allowed to reopen, as long as any eating and drinking is done outdoors. I had to laugh, as we woke up to snow yesterday morning, but that didn’t deter people from queueing for shops, eateries, haircuts etc. Then the sun came out and it was a glorious Spring day. It was a day of pure joy. I don’t know how long this will last, but it was good for it not to be spoiled by NM behaviour. I made sure to enjoy it on my terms.
Amen!!!
I just bought a T shirt with a cute logo on it.
"Happiness comes in Waves. Life is good "
Let's enjoy the ride!!🤗
YAY Jodi!! Such wonderful news. Nothing like getting a clean bill of health, or clean-ish in any event. Life is Good is my favorite brand, too. <3
So, I talked to nmom for an hour yesterday after not doing that for over two months. She was on best behavior and I had my guard up to my eyeballs. It actually sort of went OK - we've been through this before in which she does something rotten to me and I step back to defend myself but now of course the stakes are higher since she wants me to take charge of her care. I plan to maintain the distance - I don't mind talking to her once or twice a week and I'll show up if there's truly a disaster, but I need to remove myself from being the resource of first resort where she thinks I'm the person to call and whine to about all her problems for at least an hour a day. For starters I have realized I just really hate sitting on the phone. I'm an active person and if she wants to talk to me she can come over here and sit in a chair while I'm weeding the rose garden.
I ought to be OK going over there to get the rest of my stuff on Thursday. Knowing her she'll wait until she thinks my guard is down to ask me some super loaded question tho so my job will be to make sure it's not ever down. It's both wonderful and terrible to realize she likely truly does have NPD - wonderful in that I can stop taking things so personally and terrible because the self-centered behavior likely is never going to improve.
One question: What should I do for her birthday coming up in about ten days? I think I'll send a card with a $50 gift card to her favorite department store - I really don't mind offering a meal with me and DH either since we've all had our covid shots but I'm not sure who's doing outdoor dining these days. I love to bake and thought about taking a cake over there but I'm not sure I want to set the bar that high, so I may just do cupcakes and take them to our next social group get together (she and I are both officers of a chapter of a local civic organization.)
What would y'all do?
For your NMs bday..........hmm. Cupcakes sound like a good idea. We're open to dine indoors here, but NM is wheelchair bound & we can't get her in/out of the car anymore, so those days are over. I like the gift card idea and the cupcakes and call it a day. What's the diff, really, since it likely won't be 'good enough' anyway? Do what feels right to YOU and let it go at that. My NM apparently wasn't 'speaking to me' last night b/c when I called over there at 8 pm, the CG answered the phone (knowing it was me b/c she said "Hi Lea") and said she had just put my mother down for the night & she was 'sleeping'; I said 'hmmm, ok, is she alright? To which the CG said Yes, she's just had a very long day. NM NEVER ever goes to sleep at 8 pm, so she must be mad at me again, what else is new? I won't be calling over there again; I'll just wait till she calls me. Who really cares? DH said, "Oh I see your mother has her flying monkeys doing her dirty work again, eh?" LOL. He knows the drill after 10 years.
Cupcakes sound great!
That's a tough one!
I typically do gift cards, because anything I buy for her, she complains about. Good luck with picking the perfect birthday card! Lol. I know you totally understand!!😘
Yesterday mom asked me to print out 1040s, get her a book of stamps and $60.00 dollars from her account.
I told her what time I would be there today.
I make the 30 minute drive only to find out that the ALFs phone is out and no one will come to the front door.
I tried calling Mom, but she didn't answer. I tried several times to no avail.
So I made the drive back. Not entirely moms fault, but still frustrating!! Ugh!!
Speaking of boring, I'm so tired of the same complaints over and over. I'm sorry she didn't save any money and now not having any is causing problems; I'm sorry she's old and has health problems; I'm sorry her personality disorder has meant she can't easily have relationships with people and is lonely. But the health problems I really can't do anything about and the other problems require sacrifices I'm not willing to make, i.e. giving her a ton of money or spending time all my free time with her at the expense of things I need to do for me and DH. So we'll just muddle along I suppose.
I do think the gift card idea may be a winner. I don't want to convey the idea that I don't care, but I also don't wish to send the message I'm going to go to a ton of trouble to send a gift since I am trying to roll back on the expectations. So something that was a little effort but not too much may hit on the proper tone. Thanks for the input all!
Sorry you had to make the extra trip Jodi. Wonder why your nmom didn't expect you since you told her what time?
Oh, and - edit, was just talking to a friend on social media who had posted things about doing activities with kids so they'll remember you fondly. Unfortunately nmom has taken to justifying unpleasant behavior by telling everyone how much we'll miss her someday. It occurred to me that what this really is, is mother no longer caring how behavior affects us because she won't be here. Guess it beats telling her what I'm thinking which is that I may not miss her as much as she thinks!! Honestly it boggles my mind the ways she thinks of to put herself first....
When I call my NM, I wait until I am putting on my makeup in the morning.
May seem silly, but I can concentrate more on my face and less on the spew of negativity!
OMG!!
Does that mean I am a narcissist?? Lol
CHEERS!!!!
Enjoy!!
Have a pint for me!!
My Aunt has always been the most important woman in my life!
I spent many summers with my Aunt and Uncle.
Although it's been a drain on me, I feel blessed that I have been appointed to care for her!
I've been told by the staff at her MC, that she is always smiling and helping other residents.
She still wants to go home, but I am confident that I made the right decision. ☺
I am picking up more positivity from many of the usual posters here at the moment, which is really great news. Maybe it’s a combination of becoming “more aware of the nature of the beast”, ie the NM behaviour, and possibly also the joys of the Spring season?
Keep smiling all!
I hate those dreams that you can't see the faces. I don't get them a lot, but it will drive me nuts all day wondering who the person was. Maybe my dad is trying to tell me something or maybe it's just a dream.
Xray,
Great news!!!🙃 It is great that your Aunt is doing good in her facility.
Lea,
But don't you feel better after attacking (cleaning) something? LOL!! I do! I usually do yard work or kick the bag around and it releases so much stress! We have to releases the pressure some how...right?
Chris,
I am wondering how did you know that it was your NM that had the problem and not you? The reason I ask is because I never saw my NM as being selfish until the last five yrs. Even then, I thought it was dementia until I came on this thread and read your's, Xray's, Lea's post and it was like you all took pieces of my life and wrote about it. Lea is the one who helped me realize that it wasn't just dementia but NPD. She helped me to see the ugly truth. By the way, you nailed it, it is devastating to realize that the one person who is supposed to love you more than life doesn't care one bit about you. I don't know how many times I wanted to throw up every time I read something about NPD or just thinking about what my NM has done to me & my family. I really thought my NM & mine relationship problems was because of me...I feel like I am stupid for not realizing it was her and not me!
Hellebore,
I feel the same way. I catch my dad's sense or I can feel him with me or he helps guide me some how! It's not out of the scope! I once heard my dad say, "I'm sorry" and the weird thing is it happened shortly after I learned what my mother was and I was so hurt and depressed that I really thought life wasn't worth living. But hearing my dad say that helped me to know he now knows the truth and the pain I went through and am going through. Just like I keep seeing a black shadow. I really feel like I am going crazy. Our house is haunted and it always was for as long as I can remember, but now it is really active and not in a good way either! Most people don't believe me until they stay the night then they see and hear it for themselves. It is just crazy!!!
Totally not looking forward to it!!
This is the only one of our kids that feels entitled to everything that her Dad owns.
We had to book a hotel because she's not ready for us to stay in her house. They've been there for 6 months and her mother stays with them when she comes.
Just asking for prayers and positive energy from all of you !
God bless !
I have to go to nmom's in a few hours. Pray for me. :)
The results of my DH's lymph biopsy were clear! They called late Tuesday afternoon. I can't even describe the relief I felt. For the first time ever in my life I cried actual tears of relief and joy. I know DH was relieved too even though he tried to play it cool while we waited.
We still hadn't seen NM. She got back Mon eve and I just put her off. DH was still feeling sore and tired too. I just didn't care about what she was doing at all. I made sure she had the necessities in her refrigerator before she got back, and left it at that. So by Tues eve we went over to give her the news and have a SHORT visit. It went like I thought, she acknowledged the good news for about 2 minutes, and then on to talking about herself. After about a half hour DH gave me the "look" that he was ready to leave so we did.
My brother also got some good news. He still has to have the radical prostatectomy but one side of nerves can/will be left in tact so in time he will be able to have sex again, and there is no evidence of spread beyond the local area, which was huge. So..... lots of good news compared to where we were 2 weeks ago, and I am very thankful.
Jodi, so glad you are in the clear too! Seriously screw cancer! I'm happy for you. Now we just need Lea's DH to get his all clear. 28th right? Lea why so long? (if you don't mind sharing) Maybe because they got all the tumor with the shot?
Okay Hellebore- I'm sending you positive vibes and strength, because I know right now you are feeling "the dread" -- that intense, anxiety provoking absolute dread we feel when knowing we have to interact with these narcs. Hopefully it's short lived and no extra drama. Get your stuff- and then out of there!
Maybe this 2 months was a little wake up call for her that you aren't going to tolerate anymore BS. That YOU are perfectly fine with no contact for 2 months.
So my mom is already trying to attach like a barnacle again. Yesterday morning she texts me- I'm making spaghetti so I hope you two want some"... but DH and I already made plans to go to lunch together and resume our Wednesday "date day" - so I said "No thanks, we're going to mug club Wednesday". This is a boundary I've kept with her since the day she moved here, and she doesn't like it- that when DH and I go to this Irish Pub for lunch she is off limits. That was our first time going in over a year, but we are finally vaccinated and could go. DH didn't last long but we both felt so good getting out for a change! Anyway- NM texts back exact words- "Okay so tomorrow then".
First of all she can't cook anymore so it's always an ordeal. This is her new thing since I reduced the amount of days I have her over for dinner, now she buys food that is suited for a group of people and expects that we will join in. As you can see she doesn't ASK.... it's just - so tomorrow then.
Barely back 3 days and already I have to push back on her never-ending neediness. I knew it would happen too.
Okay Hellebore, let us know how it goes today. Stay strong!
Hugs to all of you ladies, you all helped me get through a really scary time and I appreciate you all very much ❤
Not ready? What does that mean? Well I hope it goes better than expected, and you enjoy the hotel. At least having your own space to go back to will give you a break if things feel weird at their house. If she lets the mom stay but not you and DH maybe she is having some kind of issue with DH? Ex-wives have been known to pull crap like bad talking the ex. I hope that's not happening here.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Also I wanted to chime in on the birthday gift ideas- food. Make it or buy it, food always seems to work. I don't buy cards anymore. My mom thinks I'm just cheap, or something, when the truth is the words in cards for Mother's Day (that's the worst!) and Mom's birthday are always so opposite of how I actually feel I just don't buy any.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but my dear MIL died earlier this morning - as many of you know she had been ill for a couple of months, and in a hospice for the past 4 weeks. Her death is not unexpected, but we feel such sorrow at the end of an era and of that generation in my DH’s family. Thankfully she was in no pain and died peacefully in her sleep, which is how we would all like to go. It is a beautiful day here and when someone dies I always wonder how it is that life goes on when we are facing such a loss. Thankfully my DH is surrounded by people who love him so we are giving him the kindness he needs right now.
We had just received the bad news this morning when my NM phoned our landline in the house. She is the only person who does this, everyone else calls my mobile, so I let it go to answerphone while my DH and son were having a few minutes together. When I picked up the message it was the usual mildly hysterical fussing about when I was next going over “to see her”. Whilst she wouldn’t have known my MIL had just passed away, she was fully aware that she was very, very ill and dying, and that the bad news could come at any time. I’m assuming that’s why the neediness has just ramped up, as it has in the past during these situations.
I haven’t returned her call yet. I need to collect my thoughts. I’ve been going over weekly to drop off more of her stuff, but there is very little left to take over there now. I don’t plan on weekly visits when there is nothing to take over. I will go when I feel like it, and certainly not just to see her, as there is no pleasure in her presence.
Our son goes back to Uni on Saturday, and now that restrictions have been eased somewhat, I’m thinking of going along too, so that DH and I can spend a quality afternoon away from our usual places when we’ve dropped DS off. It might be good for my DH to do this. That, coupled with several large garden jobs we have planned for Sunday, leaves little time to see my NM, so I’m thinking of putting back any visit until sometime next week.
Shell, you asked how I knew the problem was my mother’s and not mine. The answer is, I didn’t! I’m sure I looked up something like “mother doesn’t seem to care about me” or “mother doesn’t seem interested in me” or “difficult relationship with mother” and these led me to a lot of information online about narcissism. The biggest shock was actually realising it wasn’t me, it was her! (after years of being told everything was my fault and that I was deficient in so many ways). I have also found, like you, that the experiences of other posters on this site absolutely mirror my own, and this has given me the strength I need to stand up to my NM and to stay firm about the boundaries I’ve now been able to set as a result of this learning.
Putting this learning into action, I’m going to phone my NM and tell her I won’t be seeing her until next week.