Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
Her lifelong pattern of heaping her misery onto you continues on. I think you should turn your phone off more. I mean if your mother isn't in the mood to pick up a phone call she thinks nothing of ignoring your calls. Something I've noticed about the dance with a narc is they somehow gaslight you into feeling guilty for behavior that they think NOTHING of doing themselves.
It's dreadful that even in MC she is still such a PIA and you are still doing so much work. Somebody's mother lived to be 106? Guarantee I would be dead first. With your mom, I wonder if she really would be miserable with a roommate? Maybe it would give her someone else to unload on? Maybe they would get along and could b**** to each other?
Mines coming over today for "happy hour". HAPPY hour, no more like misery hour but it's the game I play so it's limited and doesn't include staying for dinner too. We're also taking her out to lunch tomorrow. I'm in a little mini-fog for some reason. I think because I've felt so bitter lately. My posts here have reflected that. I'm trying to work through what I need to do. As much as I can't stand the woman I want her to have decent care and isolation is a huge problem right now. Sigh. I wish my mom had 23 residents to socialize with... but then again, she could easily be like yours and stay in her room. IDK. But at least in MC you know it's THEIR choice to not socialize. In my situation my mom can't get out on her own for socializing, and it's not her choice. She IS kind of stuck.
It would be such a HUGE relief if my mom would realize on her own how much better ALF MC could be for HER, but I don't see it happening. People that have those kinds of parents are so freaking lucky!
Like Cory. For his dad, our friend, burdening his son and DIL is not even an option at all. Could you imagine having that luxury?
Anyway, sorry I am starting to ramble, enjoy your day today with DH, and keep the phone off.
Hugs to all.
And Piper: “Something I've noticed about the dance with a narc is they somehow gaslight you into feeling guilty for behavior that they think NOTHING of doing themselves. “ That hits the nail right on the head! I fell for this one for decades before finally seeing the light.
My NM has found herself a new flying monkey at her supported living place, presumably to replace me as I no longer dance to her tune. I recognised the signs when I took some things over recently. He’s been roped in to deal with her neuroses and assorted little daily needs. I also noticed that the way he reacted to me when I was introduced to him by my mother was exactly how many other acquaintances of hers in the past have behaved towards me when we have met for the first time. A bit cold, a bit wary, a bit bemused. My trashed reputation always seems to precede me. I can almost hear my mother saying “ This is her. This is who I’ve been telling you about. “ It’s no wonder we suffer from social anxiety if we’ve been dealing with this kind of stuff for most of our lives. For years you think there must be something glaringly and obviously wrong with you to make such a terrible first impression on someone, until you realise your NM has briefed people against you before you’ve even met them. I’m at a loss to understand this apparent hatred.
You are right that the NMs GASLIGHT us into feeling guilty for the things they do to us. My phone is still off from last night, too. 😁
I do think she'd be miserable or more miserable with a roommate bc I've never seen her like another woman. Never. She finds fault with them almost immediately and then dwells on it constantly, adding to the list daily, pointing out their flaws and what she hates about them. DH rolls his eyes and says she will make my life unbearable when she goes to SNF with a roommate so we are putting it off as ,long as possible. Her $$$ WILL run out though, so what will be will be.
Good luck with Unhappy Hour and lunch.
Good advice Barb.
Chris, amazing how they find new flying monkeys whenever the need arises, huh?
Shell posted that her mother passed away, if you've missed it. She found her 2 mornings ago in bed. She has mixed feelings but quite a bit of relief right now. God bless her and give her peace.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/my-mother-passed-away-today-466599.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
"I told her that SHE is making ME quite miserable with all of her crying and refusing to make the best of things while I'm doing MY best to help her. It was a terrible call after another call from the MC where I was woken up with bad news and feeling stressed out. She's also refusing the physical therapy I've worked hard to get reinstated for her and she told the PT no 2x already. I'm in process of filling out forms NOW! I just feel defeated as usual."
I have a great book which I've mentioned here a couple of times, called Children of the Elderly Self Absorbed. It's really been helping me realize nmom's problems are not automatically my problems, as much as she would like that to be the case I suspect. Although it's still a little weird, she's not calling me night and day and pestering me to cater to her.... I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I might actually bake something to take over there on her birthday at the end of the week, I got the gift card and small plant I know she'd like. Honestly I don't really mind doing it if I'm not being guilted and told I'm obligated, if that makes any sense.
Piper, it's too bad you can't go to your brother while your mom stays home. No chance DH would look after her I know but maybe this is a chance to introduce the idea of a companion? No worries if it'd never work, just something that crossed my mind.
Chris, I can just imagine nmom's new "friend." You describe things so vividly it's like we're there. Something tells me he'll find out the truth sooner or later!!
Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed: A Guide to Coping with Difficult, Narcissistic Parents and Grandparents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626252041/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_glt_i_9R19784SB355NB41NM5W
It sounds very good!
I get it about wanting to do something nice for your mom when you're not being guilty into it. 100%.
Mine is back to posting self-absorbed items on social media. Earlier today one about how we're supposed to all have bottomless sympathy for elderly people. So far I've been able not to reply to anything, I should probably unfollow her come to think of it.
I was journaling this morning on the same subject.
Let me share with you my reasons for doing what I do.
Over a lifetime I've encountered more than my fair share of folks with narcissist traits. ( I'm not a professional, don't pretend to be one but I know when a person has no interest in any other human but themselves.) I know that I can, if I choose, walk away from this situation. For me, walking away feels like side skirting and running off. There will always be another person with the same traits to deal with. I may not yet have all the skills I need to be able to face this head on but that doesn't mean that I can't do it or that I cannot learn. And I am, learning.
There is another aspect of my dogged persuit: I do care, and it's been proven to me that very little time would pass before my person would be in very, very deep doo-doo without a caregiver. My dad had good visiting caregivers but their time and activities were limited which left a LARGE gap in the actual care/service he and my mom needed. So, I stepped in. I've thought about stepping out at least once a week since then. I keep myself here because I have still much to learn and no matter where I go, later, I will take these skills with me.
Sometimes, the smallest thing can have a significant impact. That happened to me this morning & I wanted to share with you guys.
NM never came over on Sunday for Misery Hour, and instead of lunch out yesterday she ended up coming here for dinner. Change of plans were due to her being a PIA which I'll spare the details on that, but when she got here yesterday I was mentally prepared to make the best of it.
NOT HER. When I told her about the plans for the wedding I wanted to help plan, she got irritated and pivoted to making snide remarks about my plans to go visit my brother at a later date than her & my sister. "I KNEW you would do that", in the most snide tone. I said I'm going to go later and she threw me the worst look and said "Whatever". I kept going to my stove and working on the food, I was making chicken Marsala, and doing my best to ignore her but she kept throwing digs trying to make me feel guilty about not going to see my brother when she goes. I was so triggered I could barely eat my food while she woofed down two plates, and I could not get her out of here fast enough. It's a miracle I kept my cool. DH actually congratulated me on it when she left.
This morning my brother sent a group text to me, NM, and sister that his surgery date got changed to May 25th. So I texted him privately and asked him to give me a call. He did, and I told him of my plans to come visit after my mom and sister. He was 100% cool with it, and I told him- the truth is I don't want to travel with NM because when she leaves is the only time I get a break. He told me he totally understood and agreed. We talked more about when I might come and then I told him about what my NM said the night before, and that I felt like I needed to call him to make SURE he was okay with it and didn't think I wasn't concerned, etc- He actually got really angry at my mom FOR ME, and told me don't take that shit from her, and if she said another word for me to tell her that it's what HE *prefers* and that he told me that.
The back up from him almost brought tears to my eyes. Not joking.
Anyway- that mini fog I was in- NO MORE.
Oh, one more thing my brother added- was that when I visit he has a nice guest room for me, then said - he did NOT want my mother staying at his house. "I won't be able to take care of her!" I said don't worry my sister was going to be arranging a hotel, and they would probably only stay a few days at most.
Hellbore, I think I too will check out the book you mentioned. Also, to answer your question DH is fine to stay here with my mom if I want to travel for a few days or so, and I plan to go to a couple places this summer.
Speaking of travel, another thing my NM was doing yesterday to get under my skin was saying how she had SO,SO much FUN at my sisters (with the obvious implication being that she doesn't have fun here) totally exaggerating. I felt like saying - Oh I talked to her, you were TOLERATED until you muscled your way back here, but I just kept stirring the chicken. Then DH said- "You should go visit more often- 5-6 times a year, go spend time with your grandson".... I LOLed inside. NM was like- Oh yeah, I plan on it! No she isn't.
As far as telling you how much FUN she had at your sister's, it's like my NM telling me how wonnnnnnnnnnnderful all the other resident's children are, how THEY come to visit ALLLLLLLLLLLL the time and blah blah, which is a bald faced lie! Drawing comparisons..............another thing these women LOVE to do! And we always come up SHORT, don't we? Amazing how that works. Meanwhile, I'll be running off to the store to pick up 100 'necessities' NM has, but can't remember what they are, as usual, for the bathroom! Can't make a list, God forbid, so I have to guess what she needs. SSDD (same sh*t different day) but I'm going for jab #2 today so guess what? I will be out of commission for a few days, I'm sure, so NM will just have to WAIT for her blessed toiletries and snacks. Hey, maybe one of the other wonnnnnnnnnderful resident's children can pick the crap up FOR her? Ha!
Oh, got The Call yet again from the MC last night: NM fell out of the bed AGAIN while 'looking for her phone book under the bed.' Whhhhaaaaaaat? This makes fall #72 with no injury. And the band played on.
But I have to say *some*thing about why I've taken such a big step back, right? Here's where I made a mistake: telling the truth, which is that I've been pretty bummed out by the pandemic dragging on and on and taking away fun things like movies, concerts, travel, etc. Stupidly I used that as an excuse as to why I don't want to do anything with her on my own birthday in about ten days - the real reason is that a "celebration" for me wouldn't be about me at all, it'd just be entertainment for her and my aunt who is essentially a shut in at this point. (I don't mind going to see her but I don't want to do it on my birthday, so probably I should just ask for another date which I don't care about as much.)
So now nmom is pestering me to death with unwanted advice on how I can feel better, i.e. buying books she recommends, listening to her own "spiritual advisors" which I generally find to be quacks, etc.
News flash: If I feel better? We're still not going back to me doing way too much for you, calling you every day to sit on the phone, and listening to a long assortment of your complaints about situations that YOU caused, and which YOU still have plenty of capacity to do something about.
I swear, I have no idea why she has decided that we've switched places and now I'm *her* mother with total responsibility for her well being. Some of it is that's how things have been in our extended family, in which children have moved in elderly parents but a.) those people had siblings to help out and b.) that certainly isn't what I saw nmom model: She didn't lift a finger for either of her parents, let her siblings do the work, and left my dad after he developed a terminal illness (which of course dumped his care right in my lap, but that's a rant for a different day.)
Y'all should SEE the crap she's posting on Facebook, let me cut and paste a little:
"WHEN PARENTS GET OLD ...
Let them grow old with the same love that they let you grow ... let them speak and tell repeated stories with the same patience and interest that they heard yours as a child ... let them overcome, like so many times when they let you win ... let them enjoy their friends just as they let you … let them enjoy the talks with their grandchildren, because they see you in them ... let them enjoy living among the objects that have accompanied them for a long time, because they suffer when they feel that you tear pieces of this life away ... let them be wrong, like so many times you have been wrong and they didn’t embarrass you by correcting you ... LET THEM LIVE and try to make them happy the last stretch of the path they have left to go; give them your hand, just like they gave you their hand when you started your path!
(“Honor your mother and father and your days shall be long upon the earth”.) - God"
OK, I'm seriously LOLing reading this. My mother completely ignored me for weeks at a time in favor of her career when I was a kid. "let them enjoy their friends?"! I was an artistic kid who was constantly unfairly accused of doing drugs, because my friends dyed their hair and listened to rock bands. I could go on but it's seriously hacking me off just thinking about this.
I'm wondering what she's trying to achieve by publicly shaming me for not being good enough? Because she's passive aggressive enough that's 100% the goal, is my guess.
I had committed to going over to my aunt's for an hour or so on nmom's birthday but now maybe I won't. I'll just go drop off the plant and gift card I got for her and call it a day.
I dunno. She is just exhausting. I mean, yeah! Admittedly I DON'T have a lot of energy to deal with her because I'm depressed generally, but a lot of it is her antics and self pity which never seem to stop.
Caveat: I didn't get much sleep last night and some other things are going wrong which is probably why this is bothering me more than it should... I really probably shouldn't say/do anything until I can get caught up.
(Sorry, my phone is blowing up just as i'm getting to comments about y'all posts - Piper, I'm glad you have backup from your brother!! More when I get back from picking up the cat from the vet <3)
My NM has no idea how I have consciously tried to NEVER be like her when raising and dealing with my own son. Like his entire life! We have a very good relationship, and it's genuine. Funny how that works isn't it? My son doesn't even know about my struggles with NM. My problems aren't his problems and never will be.
Well, at least we can say they taught us what NOT to be!
I can't believe your mom fell again, that is unreal. Is there a version of an adult crib, so she couldn't get out? Locked sides rails? Something so she would have to call for assistance? A padded cage? Lol... oh my the visual. I think I need one for mine 😂
Seriously tho, something so she would have to call for assistance. These falls are out of hand.
Glad your getting your 2nd jab. I got a fever for a day after my 2nd and so did DH. Just a day though and not a big deal. However, in your case it is going to be a big deal and you will have to restrict visits until next week. ;)
Can you bring yourself to try blunt honesty? Like first ask WHY she is posting that crap? Say- Mom, what's the big pity party you are posting on FB, are you trying to shame me? Because it won't work. Then if she gets angry you can remind her of YOUR memories of your own childhood!
One thing about narcs, they rewrite history. Mine is doing that more and more. Some is dementia, but a lot of it is the narcissism too. Resist and tell your mom you don't appreciate the subtle suggestions on Facebook (of all places) that you aren't living up to her selfish expectations.
Or beat her at her own game and respond to her post with your own memory recall. Would that scare her into not pulling that crap again? Narcs expect and train us to keep their secrets. She might be shocked if she sees you can and will defend yourself.
I'm sure I will have more to say but I too need to log off. Talk to you ladies soon.
I am so glad that you are getting your second shot!
I bet we are all going to need booster shots down the line.
At least for now though, we have some protection.
Special occasions like birthdays, holidays, etc. always seem to add more pressure, don’t you think?
Do whatever is most comfortable for you.
Your feelings are equally important.
The reason that I felt like there was more pressure on special days was because some people feel like we can just instantly flip a switch and it’s going to be, ‘Oh, happy day.’
It just doesn’t work that way. Working through our emotions takes time.
We process, we grow. We learn what works best and what doesn’t work.
I just don't understand why it's got to be ME who takes care of everything. For years she's made this big show of how many friends she has (see: Narc need for praise and flattery.... she's done tons of volunteer work despite her advanced degree for 20 years so half of the town we live in owes her favors.) Why doesn't she call THEM and whine about loneliness or health problems or whatever else? I think I just answered my own questions as I wrote that: Because they won't listen and she thinks she has a captive audience in me. Geeeez I don't know how I'm going to survive this for another 20 years if it comes to that. I really need to get off my duff and get a counselor - I've been putting it off because I don't know who to call and it seems like a lot of work to try to get a good fit, but I just have to.
Piper, it's good to hear you've learned what NOT to do with your own son. I learned what not to do in marriage from my parents - DH and I are super tight, like nmom knows she better never bad mouth one of us to the other one. There's no way in a million years DH would ever side with her in an argument which has to drive her crazy. (She threatened to disown me when I married him - luckily I stood my ground b/c I knew if I let her poleaxe my engagement she'd feel free to try to sabotage my relationship with any other guy with whom I got into a relationship. She'd only have been happy if I'd married a filthy rich guy, like one of my cousins did.) Hope the son lives nearby so y'all can have time together when it isn't all taken up by your nmom.
Lea: "Mine does the same thing; even though I have no siblings she can pit me against, she loves to tell me how she 'thinks' things 'should be' with my children and how 'awful' she thinks it is they don't call me continuously or whatever, as if we should have a dysfunctional relationship she feels is 'normal'. She wants me to 'feel badly' that my children 'don't love me enough' or some such thing, which is absurd."
You know, one reason I never had kids was I knew my mom would just ignore them (also I had an awful childhood which I would not wish on anyone else, among other reasons.) Sounds like I may be glad I didn't have them for some other reasons - nmom would probably have definitely thought she knew better on how to raise them when she wasn't ignoring them!
Thanks for the moral support NHWM! You're right, special occasions are always loaded and one always seems to come up RIGHT after I've had some blowup with nmom which makes navigating them that much harder. Luckily at this point I know it'll be harder so I've quit putting unrealistic expectations on myself but it's still never easy, especially with people around who don't know what having narc or personality disordered family members is like. My only half sibling has what's likely full blown borderline, so holidays have never really been what you'd call easy at our house.
I do think I'll go over to aunt's on nmom's birthday but I'd really like not to stay that long. I just don't know what I'm going to do about the fact that they want me to call and come see them 24/7, I'm just not going to do that especially with all the self absorption and complaining. Just going to have to get used to being told no matter what I do it's never enough, I suppose.
I'm a little newish and I looked all over to reply directly to Hellebore7 about the Facebook post that was a 1 way ticket 🎫🎟️ for an extended stay in beautiful, downtown 'Land O' Guilt" where all the streets are lined with gaslights; there is but one person who matters in all the world (who could ever want for anyone else?) and the theatre needs only one actress because "there can be only one"!
But I don't see the way to reply directly. Maybe someone will point me in the right direction so I'm not such a newb next time.
Anyway, in response:
Great Monkees of fiery doom!
That FB post really bites gobs of tacky donkey butt.
If it were me and oh buddy! It has been-- a few times--Facebook is full of memes that don't make healthy sense and they get passed around like they're some sort of whimsical Epiphany-- If I had to call her on it, I'd mention (in passing) that you thought she had more class than posting a tacky, worn out meme. Surely, it was a mistake, right? It was just a thing caught in her memory buffer that got posted by accident, right? Because the Mother you know would never, ever post such a tacky, no-class bid for attention!
You don't have to believe she'd never post anything like that, we both know better.
To a narcissist, this response hits directly on the nerve where no one has more character than they do. No one in this entire world, except the 1 or 2 folks they admire from afar can be any better at being a quality human being. Tacky, is common and we all know that Narcissists can't possibly be common.
Now, that might seem cruel.
So, yes maybe it is. But you kept calm, (butter would not melt in your mouth!) And you said it coming from a place where you're concerned what other people might think of her (how could she possibly broadcast that her children don't appreciate her? What kind of common skank does that? Is what people think) Don't actually call her common or a skank. That's just the conclusion you want her to draw.
The other way you might deal with it is the gasp of horror. Nothing says " I can't believe you'd sink to this level!" Like the gasp, followed by the hanging jaw.
Make no mistake. You didn't post this crap. She did. What kind of person does that? We both know the answer but the point here is that you're horrified although you will be brutally calm, (stay that way) that your mother of all people, would post trash like that.
She set a standard for you to live up to. Pointing out that this is a standard for common trash, ( don't actually say 'common or trash') and counterintuitive to the way she raised you🙄 and you are ( very, very calmly) horrified.
It might just have a marked effect.
😌Keep it calm! Keep the words without edginess, picture yourself in a room full of kindergarteners and you just stepped on a piece of broken glass... barefooted.
OR, you could say nothing at all. If she draws your attention to it, you could say you meant to ask her about that because you thought someone had hijacked her account.
Whatever you do, whatever you choose to say or not to say, don't let her know it affected you in a personal, self defense kind of way. Narcissists do things like this so that you feel bad about yourself. You don't feel bad about yourself. You feel bad for HER because she's not acting like herself ( the self she'll soon realize isn't the grand pooh-bah of all mankind)
Bringing it to her attention as though it is beneath HER, puts the focus on her. Which is what she wants but in this case it backfired and now she looks bad...to other people...to people she knows...people who now think she's tacky. Wheather she's truly tacky or not, this is a poor reflection on HER. Leave right then. Right after you said or didn't say. Don't hang around and give her time to turn it around on you.
Stay calm. Don't let her push your buttons. If she starts in on you before you have time to get away, Go to your happy place. If you don't have a happy place, let's make you one ToDaY!
Hellebore, No. Words. For. That. FB. Post. NO WORDS. Just the instant you think your NM is displaying one iota of humanity, BOOM, that FB post to change your mind and set you straight. I would block her on FB entirely, and not respond to it AT ALL. Do not give her the satisfaction of knowing that you even SAW the post! Insanity. It 'got to you' b/c it was INTENDED to get to you. In a passive/aggressive way, naturally, bc honesty and being upfront and REAL is not in these women's vocabulary. Back handed sly BS is all they know. Then they can turn around and innocently say What? Me? I didn't say or do anything wrong, YOU just misinterpreted what I was trying to say, it's YOUR fault you dummy! Ignore her sh*t and by blocking her, you will NEVER have to read another POS she posts again. Enough is enough. The woman is beyond delusional and I wish her good luck trying to get others to bow down to her delusions of grandeur.
Just realize, like you said, that NOTHING you do for NM will EVER be good enough so quit jumping thru the fiery hoops & burning yourself. Bring over the plant and whatever else you want for the blessed event b'day and be done with it. Spend a few minutes and vamoose out of there. Do the minimum and expect the minimum from HER. That's all you CAN do, you know? It's what I do with mine. Used to be a time where I'd go way out of my way to do nice things for her and then get a spit in the eye in return, then decided No More. What for?? She'll get what she needs and a few little extras here and there for b'days and 'Mother's Day' HA! and that's it. No cards, either, b/c who can EVER find one with the right sentiment? A BLANK card is best. Where I can write something inside like Happy Birthday and that's it.
EP: I also laughed out loud about the crib idea! NM doesn't need 'help' in bed, per se, she just needs to quit LEANING OVER b/c she has NO core strength and cannot pull herself back up once she does! So she keeps falling. The advancing dementia prevents her from realizing all of this, thus, the falls. I so wish they could get her a big old crib, but bars or sides of any kind are considered 'restraints' and are a no-no, believe it or not. She'll just keep falling and falling and poor Rick the night nurse who she calls The Giant (everyone gets assigned a nasty nickname by NM) will have to keep coming in to pick her up off the floor. Sigh.
NHWM: I'm sure we'll be expected to get a TON of 'booster' shots which I will not be getting myself. Moderna & Pfizer are ALREADY working on boosters! I read an article which suggested those of us who are 'vaccinated' are now 8x more prone to catching ALL the variants of covid!! The prior coronavirus vaccines were not effective for that reason, and when tested on animals (as these ones WERE NOT) they all died. I surely hope that down the road we're not all very very sorry we got these jabs to begin with, considering they're experimental in nature & untested long term. God help us all is what I have to say.
I find it so interesting that some people such as your mom and others turn everything into a contest.
Why do they desire to do this? It would upset me to constantly be compared to other people’s kids.
Yes, parents with more than one child compare their children, which isn’t fair.
All children are different. Each of us has strengths and weaknesses.
I could never make any difference with my kids. It’s totally unfair to them, plus I love them equally.
It’s ridiculous for your mom to compare you to other resident’s children.
Not only is it insensitive but I bet it isn’t anywhere near the truth.
Great news!! And YES, continuing prayers for Lea and her DH!!🙏🙏🙏
EP,
I think I have a handle on why my DH and I aren't welcome to stay with our youngest (my stepdaughter).
Apparently DHs ex was a horrible housekeeper. My sweet MIL has told me that whe she came to visit, she would spend days cleaning their house( my hubby was working 3 jobs ). So my stepdaughter never learned to clean.
Despite growing up in a filthy home, I knew I never wanted to be embarrassed to have company at any given moment in my own home. I am very fastidious about my house cleaning! But not compulsive.
My stepdaughters house is a complete pig sty! I wish I could post pictures!! Literally garbage everywhere! The guest bathroom toilet is completely brown! It was sickening to even go in there! Not a clean dish, silverware or clean space anywhere in the house!
She is afraid of judgment!
I'm most grateful that we stayed in the only motel in town. Not luxury digs, but very clean!!
Years ago my stepdaughter announced that "I just want to stay home and do what Jodi does."(I've been a homemaker for 11 years).
She works from home and has no kids! I hope some day she'll realize that being a self starter is a valuable tool and nothing to take lightly! Lol
I only expressed how proud I am of her and her husband for buying their own home! Never said a word about the state of the house!
You're so right!!
Everything with a narcissist is a competition!!
They have to be the center of attention! Everything they think they're going through has to be worse than anyone else!
As children of narcissists, that makes us try to find validation in other places!
Some good, some not so good!
The thing that we have going for us is that we actually see what's going on!
That gives us a leg up that we can be proud of!😘
Welcome to our thread!!
Loved your post!!😊
When I read the thread starter here, there was only, just the thread starter and a place to comment. I only realized AFTER my first comment, that there were other people from everywhere commenting and airing greivances and making themselves known. After that first comment, myself said to myself, "Hey! You just stepped into a steaming pile of Shangrila/Xanadu/El Dorado"!
So I came back 'round lunch time, today to post and see if any of you had experience with one of my pet peeves (after being a caregiver for a steady 200 years, I've aquired a collection of pet peeves that would make a hoarder blush) and I noticed peeves were lurking around each corner. Dog-gone peeves, everybody's got 'em and nobody wants 'em so you can't Marie Kondo them into nice, organized spaces. They just clutter everything up and make the dust bunnies jealous.
So, I thought it would be a good opportunity to be the me that I like best ( I realize this implies that I have multiple personalities. I don't. Unfortunately. I could really use a dominant, evil version of myself that I don't have to be accountable for. A couple of examples: Mouth off to the neighborhood bully? Whoops, that was my other personality. Leave nails in the flower bed my neighbors keep driving over? Whoops, that was my other personality. What a convenience an evil alter-ego would be-- but no, it's just me and I'm trying very hard to get out of my own head, stop being concerned about mom's unquenchable dissatisfaction with her own life, live my own, deeply weird dreams and get down to business. I find that the worst and most trying aspect of caregiving for a covert narcissist is keeping her negativity from infecting me. Her approach to life doesn't work for me. H.E. double hockey sticks, it doesn't even work for her and yet it's super important to her that I be her carbon copy. The idea of making a carbon copy of herself with me has worked about as well as an air brake on a canoe.
So having this place is pretty darn great. I get to see that I'm not in this boat (self talk: don't think about The Titanic, don't type it, good grief! You thought and typed it! What's wrong with you?) alone and sometimes the boat could use a little duct tape and that's okay 'cuz I keep a roll around my wrist like jewelry.
Bugs Bunny was far too influential in my early life. There are a lot of mythological references to Hares in respect to them being more effort and trouble to hunt than they're worth and honestly? What would I do without the central philosophy of the prey outsmarting the predator?
From my perspective, it's crucial not only to know that outsmarting (or maybe just being clever, which is entirely different and requires zero ego) is possible but just as important is that we laugh at ourselves and our predators. Think about Bugs for a minute. He never made the effort to push the predator's buttons. The predator was always busy trying to push buttons and when Bugs was involved, it would always backfire and the predator would end up pushing it's own buttons. Well, the Road Runner too, but I always felt sorry for the Coyote. When will he learn that Acme products are actually a marketing ploy by "Ronco" and Ron Popeil, the guy who brought us "the pocket fisherman" and "Couvre", that can of spray on hair stuff that makes the top of a bald head look like an Easter egg covered in dog hair. Poor, old Coyote. Victim of his own misdeeds. Wonder if he has a facebook profile? 😆
My point in writing all this huge, long story was to thank lealonnie1, and all of you for the warm welcome but it got completely out of hand and now, here we are.
To borrow a line from one of my favorite performers of all time, Carol Burnett: " I'm so glad we had this time together" and I hope to see you again real soon.
Aoi Usagi--Jade Blue Hare
Covert narcissism or passive aggressive covert narcissism has got to be THE ugliest personality disorder there is. When I read about it on a website I saw my mother, in vivid detail, in each of the 25 examples that were given. My husband had the great misfortune to receive my NMs wrath tonight on the phone, for the first time ever in the 16 yrs we've been together, bc she's unable to hide her rage anymore. She feels we should be caring for her here, in our home, with 32 recent falls under her 200 lb belt, being wheelchair bound and totally incontinent with moderately advanced dementia. Never mind that I'm almost 64 with horrible arthritis and DH just had triple bypass, lung surgery and was diagnosed with liver cancer. She reminded him SHE took care of HER mother who was in her 60s at the time and did all the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing in the house! She "took care" of nobody, is what she did in reality, never mind a 94 year old with more issues than Newsweek!
Anyway, here's a link to the article for anyone who's interested:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
The saddest part of being responsible for a narcissistic LO, is that most of them don't realize they have a problem!!
That's where we all come in!!
Most of us posting on this thread have been dealing with a narcissistic LO.
I think it's fair to say that they will never change!! They will never understand or have compassion for what we are feeling or going through!
Somehow they twist and turn everything to be about them.
This thread has been a God send for me!
I hope you will find it the same!
(((Hugs)))
Lea, your comment about only ever buying blank cards for your NM’s birthday hit home with me. For years I’ve done the same. None of the sentiments written in these cards have any relevance to my relationship with my NM, so I opt for a blank one and just write Happy Birthday inside it. Also, interesting that your DH was on the receiving end of your NM’s rage yesterday. I read somewhere that, particularly with covert narcissists who appear normal to everyone else except their victims, they can occasionally “lose it” with someone else. In doing so, they reveal their true personality and it can be a complete shock for someone outside the narcissist’s usual target to see what they are really like. Clearly your DH knows exactly what your NM is like, but you take my point...
Jodi, I love your tact and diplomacy about your stepdaughter’s slovenly attitude towards housework! Definitely best to say nothing...
Finally, a quick vent from me...dropped off some more things at mother’s yesterday. I’ve been having joint pain for some time, and at the moment my thumb/wrist joints are particularly bad, very painful and swollen. I found it quite difficult to carry a couple of bags into mum’s place, and told her about the pain. She just replied, “oh, I’ve got that too” in the usual uncaring tone. If she really had this problem, I would have heard about it in the 10+ years she lived with us, but this was never mentioned, so it’s yet another example of what others on this site have written about - always claiming to suffer with any ailment you might have, and in other words, bringing the conversation back to being about themselves again. Also, I thought, if she really did have this kind of joint pain, it would have been so good if she could have offered helpful advice, based on her own experience, of dealing with it. But of course this would never happen with a narcissist. I am again reminded about what a poster on this forum wrote a couple of months ago, that if you have an NM, you really do go through life being “motherless”.
Thank you all for the welcome.
Now, let me see how fast I can wear it out😈 because, like a bad rash, here I am again.
Don't let my awful humor fool you. I'm here for all the same reasons everyone is here. Mom drives me crazy. Oh let's face it, in my case it's not a drive, it's just a hop.😋 🐇🐰
The thing that's impressive here is that we're doing group therapy in real time. Go Us! Okay, so sometimes it's delayed but with Covid-19 being our Lord and master lately, I'd say it's as close as it gets to real time unless we reformat this forum into a video chat-- currently I'm taking a break from cleaning and gardening and would terrify Godzilla to look at me. I don't know about how all of you feel but sometimes a typed chat is just better. It also sort of forces you to focus and organize your thoughts. Sometimes, just doing that helps. I keep a not-so-regular journal for that reason and before I found all of you, that's where all my 3000 PSI of steam landed. Caregiving causes pressure. Add to that pressure mental instabilities and personality disorders and you've got a recipe that would make C4 look like a sparkler 🎇. The miracle is that we don't explode. I don't mean like bottle it all up and then it pops out one day--no- I mean literally, finally getting a chance to sit down and then, BLAM! Spontaneous combustion. What we do isn't easy. It takes courage, perseverance, kindness, commitment and nerve. We saw what our parents did and somewhere along our journey we recognized that we could do better than that. Not that it makes us superior, no. Just that we saw a wrong and decided, based on that, we had options: Do better or keep the status quo. Having empathy makes that choice much clearer.
I think everyone here would agree that we made the choice knowing that it was going to be difficult and in this journey, we've learned it was even more difficult than we could have imagined.
Some of us, wisely, have chosen outside care, nursing homes, assisted living or another form of care that outside our own dwelling place. Some of us do dwell with our charges. Our journeys are the same. We show care in whatever way we can to maintain our own sanity. Unless, there's someone here who's insane, and we'll all probably love you anyway even though we have enough crazy in our lives already. This is who we are and I'm amazed and awed that I found all of you.
I'm so glad we have this time together.
💖🌸♥️💮❤️🌺💖💐💗🌎