Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Elaine, just saw your recent post...

Same. I feel my Mother missed opportunities to be dx that possibily could have helped.. Stigma was huge. Not called the Silent Generation for nothing!

xrayjodib, thank you for your kind words. This site helps me tremendously!!

Beatty, yes!! The stigma was huge back then. They didn’t want to talk about their problems. My mother’s mother was the same way. Everything was a big secret. Don’t tell anyone anything!!!

My father was an alcoholic and I would tell my mother to go to alanon. She said no she couldn’t do that. She might see someone she knows!! She didn’t want other people knowing her business.

Aoi, I know all too well about the stink eye. My mother gave that to me her last 2 years before she passed. I would try to open up my mouth at the hospital when I went with her and she would give me the stink eye. She would tell the social worker I helped her bathe and wash her hair. When I would try to say no she doesn’t do any of that she would give me the murder look/stink eye.

One day when I was at her house 6 months before she passed, she was whining at me about something and scolding at me. We were expecting a phone call from her doctor and when the doctor called her whole demeanor changed. She sounded all weak and frail and tried to whip up some tears that she didn’t feel good and needed some medicine. Always wanting a painkiller for a sore toe or hurt back. The doctor always said no and told her to take Tylenol.

This happened on a regular basis the last couple years of her life.

Elaine, regarding getting a diagnosis for, say, narcissism, it would be impossible. These people think they are perfect and so could not comprehend any reason for being "assessed". They are also perfectly capable of putting on an act to fool even the most experienced analyst, as you have found. The only way to pick up on the true behaviour would be as a "fly on the wall": covert cameras filming eveyday life, when the NM doesn't know they are being watched, and that is obviously unethical. My DH knows exactly what my NM is like, but even he has been shocked to the core at some of the things she's said to me, and the tone of her voice, when she didn't know he was in an adjacent room and he couldn't help but overhear what she'd said.

Beatty, my mum's demands for assistance always start with "I'll let you do.. x, y or z for me" as if she is conferring a great favour on me by letting me do her jobs for her. Such entitlement!! Taking your example, I shall now respond by saying " no thanks, it's fine, you do it."

I've been reading for quite awhile this morning catching up on posts, and I have learned so much. I'm thankful for the new people who have joined.

Aoi- I thought your suggestion to Cascia to picture all of us behind her when she needs strength dealing with her NM by thinking of our avatars was so good it prompted me to add one. I used a pic I took a couple months ago when I managed to get myself out for a walk. The fog under the pier seemed appropriate and I'm sure I don't need to explain that to anyone here!

The show-timing topic should be an entire chapter in a book about dealing with demented narcs. It should be taught in medical school! I'm positive my mom's dementia started not long after her stroke in 2016, but she was (and still is) capable of expertise level show-timing.

Some of you know this, but before my mom moved here, she lived in a different city 8 hours away and spent a considerable amount of time with her friend Shirley. Shirley DID notice my mom's show-timing, and also that my mom was becoming increasingly more dependent on her. THAT is when the talks started about moving closer to me. I did not know it at the time, but my mom's first choice and what she was going for was to latch onto Shirley. Shirley (rightfully) did not let that happen. She became my mom's biggest cheerleader on making the move.

It was only many months later after my mom's move was a done deal and I was firmly on the hook did the truth start to trickle out from Shirley to me. In fact I got really angry that this was kept from me, and felt manipulated (I was). I'll spare that story, it's in my post history somewhere, but one of the things Shirley told me was that when she really paid attention to my mother, when they were with other friends especially, my mom would fake like she understood something when Shirley knew full well she didn't, and my mom would use this fake laugh like she just "got" what someone said when she really didn't have a clue. My mom still does those things, including the fake laugh, but it's more advanced and obvious now. My point is she was doing this in 2017 -- Shirley knew -- I had no clue. I just wasn't paying close enough attention on my visits which would last about a week. I was too busy counting down the days. My mom also had a neurologist in that town who she went to after developing post stroke epilepsy. He didn't have a clue either on any mental decline.

A couple months here, and I saw it myself. I was horrified and terrified, like what in the hell did I just do??? So when my mom had to find a new neurologist here I made sure to go with her, prepared. While I distracted my mom with her paperwork I had to sneak out of her eyesight like some ninja to get a note to the neurologist listing what I had been observing, and ended it with "I feel my mother needs a thorough cognitive assessment". To this day I am fortunate to that doctor because she got my mom to agree to neuro-psych evaluation.

My mom agreed, I'm sure, because she believed she would "pass" with her usual BS show-timing. Well, I am here to tell you those tests can NOT be fooled. Six hours over two days. Even when we went in together to get the results and recommendations my mom was still confident and even arrogant. I will never forget her reaction as the doctor went through the results and even worse the recommendations. One was that she not live alone, unsupervised. Another was that she not drive.

My mom got so mad, and so defensive the mask came right off. So much so it was included in the final report. She now "HATES" that doctor and vows she will never go back. So, for anyone who needs to get around show-timing, request the neuro-psych evaluation.

Chris- you got me thinking I wonder how many people have been diagnosed with NPD by going into a shrinks office looking for help and being honest about how they destroy other people's lives? 0.0% ?? Like you say they would have to be observed from afar. My mom has never considered counseling and even mocks it.

One of her many cutting and hurtful remarks to me was when I was in counseling. After she called me "pathetic" she had to remind me -- "I know you better than any psychologist" undercutting any encouraging words I might be getting from a therapist.

I was in my late 20's when she said that and here I am at 58 still remembering it. The damage these narcs do is immense.

I'm just glad to see many of us have stepped back for self preservation. My mom has an appointment this afternoon with her PCP for a physical, and I'm not going. She's going by Uber. Miss "independence" can strut her independence all she wants, until she can't. My husband asked me last night if I was going to offer to take her, and I said no. There is nothing going on with her now (aside from dementia) and I'm not going to try and oversee this stuff anymore unless she requests something specific or a doctor contacts me. In recent years she's been all about "her privacy", well - you got it. I also told him on this Uber stuff that there will come a point when she can't use it, so until something demonstrates that she can't -- let her Uber.

Elaine,

Our parents generation was very ‘hush hush.’

My parents did the same thing regarding my brother’s drug use. They kept it to themselves.

I followed their example for years. After my brother had his accident and I went to see him in the hospital, a wonderful nurse in the hospital told me to go to meetings held for family members.

There were parts of my childhood that were incredibly confusing because no one said a word.

I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what until I heard specifically about his drug use.

Our parents didn’t know how to speak about private issues. It’s sad.

Our generation broke cycles of secrecy. Most of our parents still didn’t speak openly about personal matters. We have to remember that they were instructed not ‘to air dirty laundry’ outside of the family.

In our parents generation, it was common for them to see any form of therapy as weakness or they were afraid of being called ‘crazy.’

There is still a stigma attached to mental health issues but not nearly as bad as in their day. There shouldn’t be any stigma attached to mental health.

EP: I just spit coffee out on my puter screen..........NM going to Uber alone to the PCP visit, and come home saying everything is PURRRRRRFECT and she's in TIP TOP shape! Snicker. Providing, of course, she doesn't give the Uber driver some bogus address & wind up at a massage parlor across town! :)

God I'm SICK TO DEATH of these NMs today, esp after reading the foul things yours has said to you, EP, about being 'pathetic' for seeking out counseling. "If only" these PATHETIC women would have asked for such help THEMSELVES so long ago, perhaps WE could have been SPARED some of their vitriolic hate? Oh no, but of course not, they could never have broken the almighty SILENCE rule and stopped the dysfunctional cycle dead in its tracks! Nope. Not them.

Just sayin'.

Chris,

I couldn’t agree more with getting a diagnosis for dishonest people is impossible.

What would it take for an accurate diagnosis?

If a person conceals info, the therapist doesn’t have enough details to have a clear picture of what is happening.

I have often wondered if they were secretly filmed or recorded and it was played back for them, would they deny their actions? Most never publicly admit anything.

Let me just say, that they have no issue pointing out others flaws, so they appear to know behaviors. So, how can they not recognize it in themselves?

Dishonest people always insult psychiatrists. They would rather say that they don’t know what they are talking about.

Piper,

Good luck to your mom with Uber! Geeeez, kind of sad.

My 98 year old cousin won’t give up driving, then tells off the cops when she gets tickets. Her grandson gets embarrassed because he’s a cop!

She has a shuttle that runs from her senior apartment complex but she hates it because she says she has to leave too early for her appointment.

So true, NHWM, very hush hush. Mom won’t talk about her ‘time in the hospital’. But I Remember as a little girl going with my dad to visit her at a “friends hospital”.

Mom’s 87-year-old brother just made the choice to go into long-term care and is extremely happy because he feels safer and is around a lot of guys his age. Mom doesn’t understand why he would want to leave his home full of steps. Her mind only remembers bad nursing homes that she will do anything To not be a part of.

She doesn’t understand that he is not being monitored for any medical condition. He just lives there and may get some help, if needed. She thinks he will go home at some point, when he gets better.

Sad she can’t see the benefit of her doing the same, although she has zero $ and a reverse mortgage.

Kat,

Yes, that is another issue with many in older generations.

They believe that all care in facilities is subpar. Sure, some places are better than others. It takes research to find a suitable facility but it is worth it!

Good for your uncle!

My mom’s brother didn’t want to go into the nursing home.

He wanted to remain living in his two story house.

When he could no longer go up and down the stairs, he moved into his basement. It was only partially finished, no shower. He ended up getting a bad UTI and sepsis.

Then he said that he would hire a full time caregiver. His children worked full time. They had always explained to him that they would not be his caregiver.

His daughter told him, “Dad, you can’t afford a full time caregiver. So, you will be going to a NH.” He finally agreed to go. He lived there for two years until he died at age 96. He had Parkinson’s disease just like mom does.

My uncle lived in New Jersey. My cousin found a NH for him. They called hospice at the end. He received good care.

My 95 year old mother is beyond mean and nasty to me. She expects me to do everything while she appreciates nothing. She is critical of everything that I do. I live 45 minutes away and go one day a week to clean house, wash, get groceries, banking, etc. she believes that because is the daughter that still lives in this state I have an obligation. I do not. Sh3 has been hateful to me since birth. I am on the verge of putting her in a home. She doesn’t want to go. She can afford to hire a caretaker and housekeeper. I am at my wits end.

Mindee,

Please stop killing yourself, especially since she doesn’t appreciate it.

It is perfectly normal for you to want to place her in a facility.

If she won’t go and she can afford to hire someone, let her pay for her care. If she mistreats them, they will likely quit working for her, unless they really need the job.

Ever wonder what the next generation will say about us? Sometimes I do.

I allow my girls to live their lives as they see fit.

I love them with all of my heart but I don’t make decisions for them.

Not only is it not my place to make any decisions for them, people do not learn appropriate skills in life if everything is done for them.

I will always support my kids but I want them to know the joy that comes from being independent.

I am glad it became common for women to work in later years.

I truly feel that the ‘good old days’ were not always so good.

Women were solely dependent on their husbands.

I bet a large portion of women had unfulfilled dreams and I wonder how many of them took out their frustrations on others, especially daughters who worked during their lifetimes.

I never told my mother about me going to therapy. No way!! She would have ridiculed me for it.

When my younger son was going through depression and needing help, which I was thankful to find him a therapist and group therapy, I begged my mother to tell me what she was diagnosed with way back in 1978. I said I needed to know so I could help my son (her grandchild) she didn’t even want to talk about it. I said was it depression? She said yeah I guess it was something like that. I really don’t know she said.

She never wanted any help so she didn’t receive any help.

Piper, NeedHelp, Elaine, I have the same problem about therapy being dismissed or mocked by my NM and my stepmother. I didn’t really tell them anything about the therapy I had when my father died as neither would have been supportive. How could therapy possibly work if the people close to you can’t support you through it, but instead undermine it by overlaying their own bigoted views? It was better for me to go it alone. I know I would be so different if it was my son needing therapy. I would want to support him 100%, for him to have the best outcome.
Also, I’ve definitely seen a tendency for the older generation in my family to be unable to deal with or acknowledge mental illness. One of my cousins spent most of his adult life living in secure accommodation due to mental illness. I only saw him once after he was sectioned, and that was at my wedding nearly 30 years ago. His mother, my aunt, said I was one of the few people who ever asked about him at family gatherings. Everyone else just brushed his existence away. Sadly he died in March after a short illness. I really believe that being institutionalised for most of his life cut short his life expectancy by at least 25 years. Only a handful of people from my family acknowledged his death too, it was tragic and very sad. I do feel though that the younger generation are much more open about mental health and that does give me hope.

NHWM, no matter what this generation says about us, they can't say we were mean and horrible NARCS and shamed them & called them rotten names and made fun of them, and were not emotionally available, etc. My DD is an RN, my son the CEO of a company. When I wanted to go to a university, my parents laughed and said my job in life was to get pregnant and have babies, not to get an education. So there's that. Both my kids moved back in with me as grown adults when they needed to. I moved back in with my folks at 20 b/c I was being abused and beaten up by a man I was living with. After moving back in with them, I wanted to GO BACK TO THE abuse I was suffering rather than continue living with my mother. By the grace of God, he didn't answer the phone when I CALLED him from 3500 miles away. So instead, I wound up marrying the first man who asked me, which was a mistake, but he was a good human being and not physically abusive, and it got me OUT of HER house again.

No matter what crap things my kids have to say about me, and I'm sure there ARE things, they can never say things like I'VE had to say about MY upbringing, that's for sure. I, like most of you, I'm sure, have BROKEN that horrifying cycle of dysfunction I was raised with and I'm sure my mother was raised with. It has to end somewhere.

I know I haven't been a perfect mother by any stretch, but I also know I have a GOOD relationship with both of my kids and a good relationship with my 5 step kids too, thank God. It took work, too, and wasn't something that I was 'entitled' too just 'because' I was a mom, right?!

Mindee, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Just tell your mother you simply CANNOT do this stuff for her ANY LONGER PERIOD. That you are half dead with exhaustion and you'll be happy to help her find someone to HIRE, but that you RESIGN your post immediately. You can order groceries for her online, and go to Care.com to find a housekeeper to come in as often as necessary to do wash and cleaning.

And if she doesn't like that arrangement, then you'll be happy to arrange placement for her in ASSISTED LIVING.

Good luck standing your ground!

Lea,

I do think our generation broke cycles.
We certainly did in many ways.

So did the women in the 1920’s. We owe a lot to them. They fought for us to have the right to vote! They had spunk!

I agree that it is fine to help others (especially our children) to get over a bump in the road. Certainly, no woman should ever have to put up with abuse from any man, not ever! So sorry that you went through that.

I only meant not to push them in a direction that they don’t want to go, or cripple them by doing everything for them.

It’s sad what your mom did. She disconnected herself from you.

They really believed what they told you too. Some people of that era didn’t believe in higher education and felt that women should marry and have kids.

I remember my great aunt being called a spinster and old maid because she chose not to marry. She was engaged but he was killed in the war. She never fell in love again and didn’t deserve to be called an ‘old maid.’

You are right in saying that none of us are perfect moms. I do think we learned things from our younger days, as far as behavior not to repeat. You didn’t repeat the cycle with your children.

We take the good and discard the rest.

Need: You raised a good point. I read once that "The Silent Generation" was a little AFTER my mother's time, since she was born in 1919 but a lot of the premise of The Silent Generation applied to her. My maternal great grandmother had the same surname TWICE in her life - her maiden name and one of her married names. (She married three times and one of the men was her cousin.) After doing some genealogy work, I found out that it was oftentimes common for cousins to wed back in the day. Getting a little off my point, but my mother refused to speak of it! My gosh - I couldn't get her to believe it. Silence!

"Traditionalists are known as the "silent generation" because children of this era were expected to be seen and not heard. They're those who were born between 1927 and 1946."

Funny because my mother hasn't shut up since she learned how to talk.

Nhwm, I know you meant not to push our kids in a direction that they don’t want to go, or cripple them by doing everything for them. I think it's our job to guide them, not force them, and coach them to be productive members of society by doing for themselves.

There is a relief in having broken the cycle of abuse. My son is a happy, kind and successful person but the most important thing is our relationship. It's loving and genuine and we enjoy each other's company. My son is lucky in that he's had a strong family. He's also close to my DH who did much of his raising with me. And he's close to his bio-dad and his long time GF soon to be wife. We are all close. I'm actually kind of honored that his dad and GF are coming here to get married and DH and I will be part of the very small ceremony. It will only be them, the bride and groom, my son, and her daughter, and DH and I.

Which brings me to the sick anxiety I'm feeling that my NM will somehow ruin this event for me. In the very beginning before we had any plans made I made a moron move and asked if NM could come too. They said "Sure" and I'm sure they are fine with it, but seriously what was I thinking? Now that we are in the planning phase I realize this is NOT an event I want her to be attending, at all. It's going to be a sunset wedding and after we're going out for dinner and drinks.
But my son and his step sis are going to be staying at my mom's so this is starting to mess with me.

My son is fine to stay at my mom's in fact he told me "Yes, I want to spend time with G-ma". Sigh. Why am I so nervous about this? They will all be here about six days. My goal is to make it a happy fun beach vacation for all, have some quality time together, and give them the freedom to do as they want also. AND to now make sure my mom is not included in the ceremony/after party. How do I say- Look you couldn't handle it anyway, so your not coming to that part. Also, it's not like my mom is close to any of these people. I am. You all, please pray that my mom forgot I even mentioned the ceremony. Remember several days ago when I told her they were getting married she got irritated and changed the subject to me not going to my brother's surgery with her and my sister. So- I hope she just forgot.

Well yesterday NM made it to her PCP appointment and back. She didn't check in with me at all, but I got an email from her PCP - a CC I think that my mom also got, it said: "A summary of your recent visit on 04/23/2021 is now available. These visit notes may include important information on follow-up care, medicines, diagnosis and more. We know it can be hard to remember everything your provider says during a visit. So we hope you take a few minutes to view these notes."

I used to be able to check her portal, but then one time she tried to check it and screwed up the password, and I haven't been able to resolve the issue due to her "privacy". -- "You don't need to go in there" Fine.

But this kind of email is a first. NM doesn't know but I still get all the reminders, and other info. I'm still on her HIPPA and they know she isn't very cooperative with me. So I read this and wondered if she was displaying her dementia at that appointment?

Mindee, welcome to the forum. Lea gave you some good advice, but please jump in and tell us more. Vent, ask for advice, whatever you need. You will find support and comfort here from people who get it! Burn out is real, these situations we are in are extremely difficult, and it's essential to reach out.

Chris, yet another commonality with these narcs, how they mock therapy. Well of course they do. This reminds me, when I got my mom's full neuro-psych eval in the mail, in the recommendations area it said therapy was NOT recommended for my mom. "Based on the severity of her cognitive deficits NM would not benefit from participating in individual psychotherapy at this time". Hmm.

EP: If you are POA for NM, or on her HIPPA, can you call her PCP for a paper copy of the after office visit summary? Naturally she doesn't want you to see what's REALLY going on with her. Secrets must prevail so she can seem in control of her crumbling world.

I'm sure NM will try to ruin your special day, that's what these women DO. However, there will be other people present at this wedding so just ignore NM and make her responsible for her OWN behavior! That's my suggestion, what else CAN you do? I know you want to make this a 'happy fun beach vacation for all', but you can't control HER behavior, only your own reaction to it. Which s/b as much NOTHINGNESS as humanly possible, you know? Don't take whatever bait she's throwing out; act like she's NOT THERE as much as you can. Let her interact with the others and let THEM entertain HER; not YOU. You are there for them, not for her.............that's what you need to remind yourself of. If she's angry or pissy, who cares? If she's acting up, she can go home and take a nap like a toddler. The others can 'manage mommy' while YOU manage the festivities, that's your request of THEM. She will act way nicer and better behaved with them than she will with you! Honestly, I doubt she will 'forget' about the after party........these women have memories of convenience where such things are concerned. So IDK how you can tell her she's not invited..........just ask someone else to look after her, that's what I'd do, and sit as far away from her as possible. That's what I do when I had functions where NM was involved; the others were in charge of her care & feeding.

EP, check to see if PCP has an online portal. I can view Mom’s labs, office visit notes and meds w/o having to deal with busy office staff.

Kat,

Great suggestion! I love using my app for the portal.

It really does simplify having access to my medical records.

I can ask questions on my portal. I can make appointments. I can check my labs. The portal is extremely helpful and time saving.

xrayjodib,
You're so right. It's a work in progress and I can't speak for everyone, but I believe we are refusing to be victims and discover our power. I believe all of us have had to do battle with the world and that, alone, is challenging enough. Somewhere along our timelines, I believe each of us had a little nudge or something like it, that allowed us to see ourselves in a way we had not before and as a result, discovered that our voices had been stolen, one note at a time. (This makes me think of "The Little Mermaid" now😋 and how the story could be interpreted figuratively.) 
I agree! This group is cool beans with awesome sauce. Or a rare medium, well done. I borrow a lot of silly quotes and reuse them to deliberately be cheezy. If you didn't get a good groan all day, you can count on me.😋 I've noticed that many NM group folks have a lot of pun around here and there's some hilarious digs and snark. So I feel safe to join in. 🤗💖
lealonnie1, Dad was a doo-doo-artist. He was fully DX'ed though. Same neurologist. I read a thing recently that states men are DX'ed twice as often as women. The thing didn't offer a reason, just the statistic. I've a wee story to share concerning cognitive issues. We have a freezer jammed full 'cuz mom can't go to the grocery without spending 6 hours and two arms and a leg. So, I gave options for dinner tonight, one of 'em's chicken 🐔. She says " where'd we get chicken?". That's kinda like asking: "where'd that sky come from?"
I hear you on the drugs.I'm not a fan of too many RX'es. Mom has quite a few but she refuses to take the psychs the way they're prescribed. She has her own definition for how they work so when I got the opportunity, when she had her "episode" (falling, speech slur, black-outs, unable to tell sleep from waking, reality from delusion, extra rage, blood pressure all over the place, incontinence, severe/extreme paranoia, rarely awake, extreme fatigue, zero memory, inability to walk at all, severe depression, the list goes on and on) I took over putting her meds together. First thing I did was wean her off of gabapentin. ( I talked to mom's PRN first.) Neurologist sent her for CT (among a long list of other things) that showed no damage at all. How can that possibly be? If nothing else, 59 years of alcoholism should have been apparent. Taking her off if gabapentin helped but she's not right at all. She's had 3 appts with the neurologist since then and he's got nothing to say. She has another appt Thursday. If he still has nothing to say, I'll have to get someone else involved. To make matters worse, her GP retired last month.
Oh my heavenly stars with the racism. I never, ever told my ex about that and I will die in a fire before I'd tell my son. Sometimes, I think it would be better if mom were up-front about the racism but she saves it for private moments, and or patronizes people of different races by their "strengths". I don't think she understands that others are savvy to that particular presentation of racism. It doesn't seem to matter, though. No one's ever called her on that BS but me. It's amazing to be able to share that and know that I'm in good company. When I broke low contact to come here for dad, mom, out of seemingly nowhere became liberal about LGBTQ. I remember growing up in an environment where I wasn't allowed to listen to "Queen". And when I went to see "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" I thought she would literally have a coronary. I did both, of course. I'm stubborn and ( this is my favorite term of endearment) a "Bad Seed". 
I'm right there with you when you can't think of anyone mom likes. If she's able to make a person her extension, she'll be fine with them for a while but the moment they diverge from her perspective, now they're trash. And you're 199% correct about un-saying stuff. Once the scar is there, it's permanent. And I'm so glad you're feeling better. I, too had missed that post. 
To be continued. I've reached critical mass in this post.

Aoi,

I love your posting. I think all of us can relate to the comment in the end about scars.

Scars are permanent. They may fade in time, but are always in the background.

We adapt, don’t we? We learn to live with successfully with our scars. Sometimes, we learn tough lessons along the way.

Scars are a reminder of our pain. I have learned to look at my scars as my battle wounds because they also serve to remind us that we are winning the battle or possibly won the battle.

Life is a series of ongoing challenges.

Sometimes, we get downright sick of the fight.

Somehow we catch our breath and carry on, always hoping for the best.

We learn to choose what is best for ourselves.

We have no power to control others behavior.

We can set boundaries for us. That’s all we can do.

Wishing you all the best in navigating through your challenges in life.

Aoi.....you say, "Somewhere along our timelines, I believe each of us had a little nudge or something like it, that allowed us to see ourselves in a way we had not before and as a result, discovered that our voices had been stolen, one note at a time."

Amen! I was adopted, as I said, an only child to boot, saw myself in NOBODY and wound up unhappily married to a self absorbed man with undiagnosed mental health issues. When I found my biological family in 2000 I was 43 years old. I was 1 of 7 half-siblings all with varying degrees of dysfunction. It was a LOT to process. But.....and here's the big but: they saw ME as this big hero, like the long lost sister who was beautiful and successful and charming and who would have been their saviour had our mother not given me up for adoption. All fairy tale ideas, really (they'd all had very tough lives), but THEY gave ME a whole new view of myself for the first time ever. A positive view. I wasn't such a loser after all, that my DH and my NM had made me feel like all those years. My half siblings made me feel like a queen for godsake, and I was shocked at that revelation. Less than a year later I was able to file for divorce after 22 years of marriage and strike out on my own, thanks to finding MYSELF thru that journey.

You are very right with that statement you made. Many of us don't wake up to the reality of our true value until something huge happens.

Sometimes CT scans show no damaged brain with dementia or even alcoholism. Has your NM had a brain MRI? They can be more conclusive. Oftentimes alcoholism leads to alcoholic dementia, Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome and/or Korsakoff's Encephalopathy. We had an 83 yo very narcissistic woman who lived in the MC I worked at in 19/20 who was a product of alcoholic dementia. Her scans were ok, but her cognitive tests were terrible. She would fall down the stairs drunk at home and couldn't live alone anymore, so the DD placed her. The old lady was just like my NM, insisted she was fine, nothing wrong with her at all, it was everyone ELSE that was nuts and stupid (the other residents). I watched her go downhill dramatically for a year and refuse to bathe, repeat herself CONSTANTLY etc. I heard last week she'd had a massive stroke this past August and died.

Drugs for those with dementia sure seem to make matters WORSE, at least for my NM. Gabapentin had to be reduced a few yrs back, but now she takes about 1000mgs a day. Why does your take that med? Mine takes it for neuropathy pain, but according to her, nothing helps.

Thank you, I am feeling better but still not right. Dehydrated and it's hard to eat without getting nauseated. Lots of heavy perspiration in the morning.....very strange symptoms. DH got the Pfizer jab 2 today so I'm hoping he has no side effects. We're supposed to babysit our grandson tomorrow, God willing, so let's hope it's a go!

Nhwm, sometimes I look in the mirror and all I see is one huge scar! 😅 How are you holding up and how is mom doing in the hospice center?

elaine1962
My heart goes with you. 
The help and tools your mom needed were right there. Between stigma and pride, that skill set just waiting for an owner was denied.
Thank you for sharing that with us. 
In mom's case, diagnosis would help put things into perspective. As you mentioned, meds and maybe therapy or at least the comfort of knowing what's going on. 
I'm just an ordinary person but if I can see conditions, there are probably more than what I know about. Diagnosis would be helpful if not freeing to finally reach the acknowledgement of some serious issues that have, so far, been completely swept under a rug.
 We all know about the denial narcissists live in and thier need to gaslight everyone into believing that it isn't the narcissist that has a problem, it's anybody else who isn't on board with the narcissist's version of reality. 
It's Saturday night and I certainly hope that if you aren't going out to enjoy it, that your stay at home is restorative and peaceful.💖🤗🌼

Beatty,
Lol. Nope. You're not being selfish. If you have enough introspection to ask yourself if you are being selfish, then, you're probably not ever going to "catch" the dreaded
"N"-ism.
 I don't know if your Southern, but I am (Lord, help me) and the phrase that I learned early on that was a huge flag was the "I'll *let* you do ( fill in the blank here)". It's a pattern That I recognize as occuring in women over 70 and from the South who have a certain skill set our mothers share. Not always, there are exceptions to every rule. 
I really don't think you have any reason to be concerned about setting that boundary unless, say, you're sitting in a lounge chair, enjoying the sun while 'someone's' waiting on you. Somehow, I just don't see that happening.