Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
It's quiet around here...........no NMs stirring up trouble lately? LOL
I'm posting without having caught up first. I apologise. Also for having been scarce lately.
I got awfully busy, that's a really good thing, girls. I'd been in a place where inertia was about to eat me. You ladies have helped me get over that hump. Also, Mom got her neurologist appt date wrong. It is today instead of Thursday.
Mom fell last night and has been kinda goofy all this week especially at bedtime. So, she was going to get her oxygen concentrator at 1:33am didn't call me, and she wasn't getting oxygen for herself, she was getting it FOR THE DOG. She's had this oxygen prescribed for years for COPD. She's used it 5 times. It sits at the end of her hospital bed so it wasn't even a full stride to turn on the machine but she couldn't get the tubes untangled. She didn't lose her balance, her fitness level is kaput from being in bed constantly ( I know you hear me, Lealonne) so she gave out. Her landing spot was in a galvanized bucket we keep magazines in 🙄😆🙄. No injuries besides some minor bruising mostly to the ego. I brought her the walker to help her stand but that didn't work and while she was trying to pull up (arrogance and Dunning–Kruger prevented me from properly assisting. That won't happen again. Mom won't be in a position to dictate next time) she toppled over into the floor.
Today she had her Appt. So, despite her forgetting the appt date, not finding the right words, trouble finishing sentences, calling different things by the wrong names and forgetting to say anything about the fall and why the oxygen was needed. (I waited to see if she would say anything, she didn't so I 'reminded' her to) the neurologist says to her "well, one thing I can say for sure is that you don't have Alzheimer's or any kind of dimentia."
Okay. We're done here with this guy. He upped one of her meds and ordered PT for her. I might be able to get the ear of the PTists. So far, I haven't had very good luck with that in the last few years of experiences with outside help but I'll try. I've also got to somehow, find and get mom to agree to another doc who's got better sense and observation skills. This one is about as sharp as a salted garden slug and mom didn't even bother to show-time today.
Ladies, whatever prayer you said for me concerning the show-timing worked. So thank you. I wish this doc would do his job but that's OBVIOUSLY not going to happen. So, I don't have any cheeks left to turn. All 4 have been flipped. Time to change strategies. Can I ask for more positive thoughts/prayers?
Time for a new doc, you are right. But I'm sure your NM LOVES this one b/c he blows smoke up her butt, just the way she likes it.
Speaking of PT, I heard from the OT yesterday who said my NM is in much worse shape than she'd originally thought, and needs 2 CGs to get her in/out of bed despite the fact that I bought her an adjustable BED to lift her up! Plus, NM says NO PT I WON'T DO IT so with 32 recent falls under her belt, things are sliding downhill fast. I speak with the ED of the MC tomorrow, so I wonder if she will say it's time mom move OUT of there? Maybe, although they do want the RENT she pays monthly. We'll see. NM was again talking about 'getting dressed to go see her sister' last night on the phone........all her sibs are deceased. So she's up and down with the severity of the dementia.
Praying for both you and I that our Moms get in front of a competent neuro.
You and your DH are always in my prayers. The two of you have been through so much.
Please keep us posted as to what is going on.
Wishing everyone on this thread all the best.
My mom is getting worse too. I hate this dysfunctional relationship we have, or I think I would deal with her much better. I planted some basil seeds and made her a pot, it was mature enough today that I gave it to her, and she asked me how to water it. My mom has grown countless basil, and other things. I still get so unsettled by these things. DH and I decided to look for an elder care atty in the coming weeks. I'm so tired of being terrified of the future. I need to get some control and put on the big girl pants.
Hugs to all. NHWM, how are you holding up? Been thinking of you, I hope you are doing okay.
You & DH will be in my prayers and thoughts.🙏💜
Xray,
I used to stay up late for the same reasons. There is something comforting at night with silence in the air. Enjoy your alone time. In the morning splash ice cold water on your face this will help with the bags under your eyes & wake you right up! LOL
I am doing good. I picked up my NM'S ashes today and I hate to say this, but I had no feelings. It felt like I was picking up a package from the post office. Isn't that just sad...my NM died and I feel relieved & worse yet, I don't even miss her. I haven't even told my narcissistic brother because he is like her but much meaner and aggressive. I am afraid that he will hurt me and destroy my peace. I have forgiven her, but I am still processing somethings. Later, I hope to share what I have learned over the past yr and more importantly, what I am learning about myself after her death.
Thank you for asking!💚
I hope things are going good for you. Remember to take care of yourself!!
EP, good idea going to speak to an elder care atty. The fear of the unknown, for me, is always worse than anything. Get all your info lined up and at least you'll know what options you have. It's unnerving her not knowing how to water a plant which is something she's known her whole life; that's the nature of dementia, though. One day they know something, then poof, it's gone. I agree it's good news that if DH needs the liver transplant, it seems to be an option. One day at a time, right?
Shell, don't beat yourself up for not 'missing' your NM! It's like expecting yourself to miss a boil on your butt that's been hurting you for years! It's okay to feel relieved that she's at PEACE now and so are YOU.
NHWM, are you holding a memorial service for your mother? Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
We went to see the condo my step son & his wife bought this afternoon. Phew........the place is a giant MONEY PIT to say the least and I'm very uncomfortable with the whole arrangement. They've bit off WAY more than they can chew; the sunroom alone is at least $40K and the 2 bathrooms haven't been touched since the place was built in 1961! Pink toilets that sit practically on the floor and laminate countertops you have to bend way over to wash your hands at! 2 GIANT bathrooms to renovate, a fireplace that doesn't meet code, NO GROUNDING for the electrical, and the list goes on and on. I'm certain those spots all over the ceiling in the sunroom are MOLD too, even though the 'inspector' made no mention of it. Anyway, NM calls while we're there to tell me 'she and her friend went to someone else's house to play games today' and a lot of other nonsense! So she's back to saying things she was saying while at the height of her Cymbalta confusion!!! She just goes up and down on a daily basis which totally throws me for a loop! The odd thing is is that when she's super confused, she's HAPPY and in a good mood! No complaining about pain or the 'stupid morons' in the MC! It's the most peculiar thing I've ever witnessed. I almost wish for her to stay in a heightened state of confusion all the time so she's a happier person in general; sounds crazy, I know.
You are entitled to your feelings, whatever they may be.
As far as your brother goes. He will NEVER understand how you feel because he didn’t experience what YOU went through ALONE!
He wasn’t around to help you. He caused you so much grief. You don’t owe him anything.
You have a right to decide what is best for you to move forward.
Your feelings are justified regarding your mom and brother.
I understand why you forgave your mom. You aren’t a person to hold bitterness in your heart.
Some people can forgive easily, others may need a bit of time to heal and process their emotions. It’s a personal matter.
I wish you all the very best as you embrace your future.
I thank you for the hug and warm wishes. It means so much to me how you and others on the forum got me through the dark days and rejoiced with me in times of joy.
We are having a simple graveside service. It’s what she wanted.
We had the big wake and funeral for daddy and other relatives but so many of the older relatives have died off. Mom was 95!
I am having Mass said for her with the vigil candle burning for three days.
I know that her pain and suffering is over. I am relieved.
I keep thinking about Mother’s Day and feeling like that’s when it’s going to hit me like a ton of bricks.
I remember the first Father’s Day after daddy died was really hard for me.
It’s weird, I keep feeling like I should be driving to see her in the hospice house.
I want to do something special for her nurses and caregivers at hospice. They were incredibly compassionate.
Maybe after we pick up her ashes and she is buried in the family plot it will fully sink in.
I was extremely close to my maternal grandmother.
After grandma died, I remember picking up the phone to call her as I always did.
Half way through dialing my grandmother’s number, which to this day I still know, I remembered that she was dead and hung up the phone.
You are right when you say that it takes time to adjust to new circumstances. It truly does.
Thanks for your warm thoughts. I appreciate them.
I feel a bit numb at times, you know like it isn’t real.
Other times, I am sad about various things, relieved that mom is no longer suffering and even thinking about my own mortality too.
Witnessing a death tends to bring forth all sorts of feelings.
I am grateful for this forum. I can be myself with all of you because I know that you all understand different situations.
When making phone calls or receiving phone calls during these times, we are cordial and we should be. We can’t speak of things that have hurt us or share our most innermost feelings.
Am I making sense? I guess that I am saying that I find myself on guard at times.
Maybe because I wish to be private with certain people, maybe because I was taught to behave a certain way.
It is helpful to have an outlet, a group of people that I can let my hair down with if I need to, or simply learn from others by reading the posts.
Anyway, thanks to you and others for understanding and caring.
Of course, we have "all sorts of feelings." We were abused by the one who should have loved us the most. Perhaps you are grieving what should have been or over hope of something changing and coming to terms with that whatever could have been. I know I cried for two days. In part of relief that it was all over and in part of what I hoped for. It's funny how we can be so angry & resentful and still have a tiny bit of hope that our relationships with our NMs will change. But deep down we know it won't!
You are probably on guard because death changes us sometimes for the good and sometimes for the worst, but no matter which way it goes we will never be the same.
I think most of us are taught how to behave when things like this happen. We are taught at a very early age that when people ask us how we are. We are to tell them, we are fine or good even if, that is not true! If you really think about it. We are taught to lie...to hold on to the family secrets!
My NM side of the family wants me to have some memorial service and I told them that my NM use to beat the crap out of me and I'm not having one. I really didn't mean to say it, but in my dispare I just blurred it out. I was shocked what came out of my mouth, but I have to say, it felt good! I am tired of all the lies & secrets! Her family didn't know her. They don't really know me. Now, they hate me. I don't know if it is because I won't do a memorial or because I called my NM out! Not sure and really I could care less!
I know what you mean by this forum. I have learned so much. I have learned a lot about myself as well. Everyone on here has something to offer. Different ideas...Different way at looking at a situation. This forum has saved me in more ways than I can count. It is nice to have people who understand what you are going through or what you went through as a child. Knowing you are not alone!
Thank you NHWH for your kind words!💖
By the way, I know you would love to believe that I don't hold grudges, but sometime I have Irish Alzheimers. I forget everything but my grudges! In my NM case I had to forgive her for myself!!
I understand what you mean. Yes, sometimes feelings do intentionally or unintentionally come forth.
Sometimes, we don’t care what we say if we have reached our limit. You surpassed your limits with your mom and brother. I have been in that spot too and lost my temper.
Ha! I remember telling my therapist that I lost my temper at times. Do you know what he said? “I am a therapist and I have lost my temper.” That’s why I loved him. He was real!
Actually, there isn’t a right or a wrong way to feel.
For me, it was the way my mom made differences at times between my brothers and me. I hated feeling ‘less than’ at times with all of them.
I honestly don’t know if if my mom realized her past behavior or not.
I do know that she did apologize and I accepted her apology. I forgave her and did appreciate that she was sincere.
I don’t even know if mom behaved a certain way due to her upbringing. They weren’t accustomed to discussing their past issues.
You are correct in saying that families do have secrets.
Sometimes it helps to disclose secrets. Other times, perhaps it is best to let it die with the person.
I suppose that we all have our own feelings on which is best for us.
If it’s cathartic for us to purge the past, I support that.
If purging past hurts will bring on backlash or hurt others or ourselves, then it’s fine to leave it alone.
The most important thing is to do what brings us peace.
I don’t see you as a spiteful person. I see you as a person that it was important for the truth to be known.
You knew your relationship with your mom the best. Who knows what your mom said to others?
As Lea once said on the forum, people lie. Her mom lied and sometimes they are in denial about the cold, hard truth.
I always found it interesting that my brothers always took mom’s words as the absolute truth and were not interested in hearing my side.
There are always two sides to a story. Sometimes there are three sides. Sometimes, the truth lies somewhere in between the two.
I often think about people saying that our lives flash before us at the time of death. What will we see?
Or when we read in near death experiences, people state that we see a ‘life review’ of our lives!
The people in denial will be in for a shock, right?
As far as a memorial goes, that is your decision. Other relatives don’t have a right to say that you should hold one. They can have one of their own if they wish to.
I had an uncle (one of my dad’s brothers) who rejected all religion.
I found it a bit odd that my parents had a service for him.
It was my dad’s choice to have a service and I didn’t interfere but any clergy that entered his hospital room he told them to leave.
He donated his body to science. He was a lifelong bachelor and felt that was the best choice for him.
I am so sorry that you aren’t doing well.
I know that you haven’t been well. I hope you feel better soon.
Have you contacted your doctor?
Lea, as much as I get frightened when I see my mom displaying that she can no longer think, she too is nicer in those states of confusion, almost child-like. I was literally explaining how to water a plant. Then she goes- Oh, okay until it gets big? I was taken aback but just said- you'll need to keep watering it then too. Ans she goes- Ooooh, gotcha. It's the same Ooooh, got it, that she sometimes throws out when she has no clue as part of showtiming, at that point I changed the subject. She was happy with the plant. And here's the thing, last year for Mother's Day I gave her a Peace Lily plant. Fairly large and she keeps it on the floor. She takes care of it like a pet practically, and the thing has thrived. She cleans the leaves, trims the flowers. She even cleans the ceramic pot and tray! So that's why I planted some basil for her, and her acting clueless about what to do with it was strange.
But at least she wasn't hurling insults. I too prefer confused and nicer over more lucid and mean. I think part of why we see this mixed bag with our mothers is because they both have vascular dementia which I'm learning presents differently than Alz. I don't know which is worse. They both suck, but with vascular you never know what you are going to get. That's why she throws you for a loop. There is not much predictability. I don't know how my mom is still paying her own bills and using Uber, but she is. I'm constantly second guessing myself if I should be trying to intervene on what she can still do or not?
Llama, what's going on? Can you vent? Maybe we can help? Safe space here to vent so let us know and let us know if you are okay.
Then I found a Library book from 1977 that she checked out and never returned. This is going to be a roller coaster ride. God only knows what else I am going to find. Oh and I found all my cat toys that she said she didn't know where they were! This game of "What we'll find" is not a game I really want to play!!! It's weird enough to go through someone's things, little long find your things in theirs!!! Ugh!!!
My NM had vascular dementia (VaD) as well. I too would rather deal with the confusion and nicer then lucid and mean. I know with my NM she could be nice one minute then mean the next minute. It really is a mixes bag of nuts! She too would sometimes seem to be child liked! Thank you both for reassuring me & your support!
Llama,
I am sorry to hear you are not doing well. We care! Hugs!!💞
Absolutely! You were dealing with a situation that was impossible to make sense of.
It is similar to people who have dealt with people with extreme schizophrenia.
No one knows when the other shoe will drop.
One way one minute and when the wind blows in a certain direction, their behavior is totally different.
Anyone who deals with extremes have the most difficult time. Just managing meds is a challenge.
Or anyone who wishes to express their thoughts, please chime in.
Shell,
I know that I have told you in the past how brave that I felt you were. certainly braver than I have been at times.
I want to know how you feel about this.
You know that mom left my home after being here for 15 years.
Okay, there is NOTHING in that room. Yet, I have never been able to go into it since she left.
I don’t know why I have felt so hesitant.
My daughter told me to turn it into a craft room. I did think about it and I couldn’t even enter the room.
Kind of weird, huh?
Here you are! Able to go through a room full of her things and I can’t enter an empty room. I feel like such a wuss!
That room holds so many memories, good and bad.
You also know that I forgave my mom.
She did make a sincere apology to me and said that she knew that I did everything for her. She meant it. I could tell.
Oh, I am fully aware that she was guilty of sometimes babying my younger brother and made excuses for the older ones most of the time. She stirred the pot when I set boundaries and so on.
I have those negative memories but I don’t dwell on them.
I don’t allow memories to own me anymore. They are now just passing thoughts, especially if something triggers them.
I can’t figure out why I am so uncomfortable entering an empty room. It’s kind of foolish.
I should probably make an appointment with my therapist soon.
Thanks for listening.
Llama.....please check in and let us know how you're doing?
I spoke with the ED of NMs memory care today. They are seeing a lot of behavioral issues with her this past month, so she's letting her slip show BIG TIME, and I'm surprised. She's on a roller coaster of emotions, she said, mostly having a pity party for herself and was hyper ventilating last week after telling DH off about not having her come live with us! The ED wasn't able to calm her down bc she didn't WANT to be calmed down, she said, and I know exactly that routine to a tee. The ED said she's very bad at night and I've noticed that myself....the Sundowning, so while she'd likely benefit from coming out of her room to join the others, they're not pushing her bc she's so difficult and creating a scene! She's going to talk to her PCP about a psych consult, but NM cannot handle medication so it's not likely to solve anything. What else is new? These sisters are insane, her oldest sister was the same way.....out of control with advanced Alzheimer's at 95. NM will probably outlive everyone and live to 100. And her toe is getting red AGAIN in spite of me getting her those big shoes and diabetic socks! Here we go again. I feel like screaming. After that call I felt drained and exhausted and came into the bedroom to lie down.
As I am cleaning out my NM'S room I am processing her death...what she has done to me...you can say putting my past to rest.
My first thought on reading your post was/is you can't enter that room is because it is empty. I know this might seem odd or doesn't make sense, but as long as that room stays empty, you will not be able to go in there. Why? That room is an open void with the past inside it!
Follow my crazy thought...some people believe that a house or a building is alive, not alive like us where we need to eat, sleep and so on. But it is alive as long as there is people inside of it, others believe that a house or a building is alive by memories, events, or whatever it was used for in the past. In other words, the first one implies that a house is alive because it has living people in it. The second one implies that a house is alive because of past events, or the people who once lived in it & the things they did in it and no one has to live in it because the past is still alive within the house! Have I confused you yet?
Here is what I know from my own experience. I can not enter into a funeral home. I am a 'sensitive,' which means, I pick up on people's energy alive or dead doesn't matter. When I enter into a funeral home I feel EVERY NEGATIVE EMOTION. I see the negative energy sliding down the walls. I see people grieving from the past. I get headaches, dizzy, upset stomach and I have known to throw up, pass out and I am sick for 3 days. All I do is sleep! It is horrible!!
What's my point? Energy never dies...it only moves...transforms. Our energy can and does transfer into our things like rings, watches and yes into the walls of our homes. If houses are truly alive by our energy then we need to change the energy. Still following me? You need to change that room therefore, hoping to change the energy. I would get DH or DD to start with opening the windows and if you like burn white candles in that room. This will help neutralize some of the energy. Then get DH to paint the room a different color. A color that is inviting to you. Meanwhile, think of what you want that room to be. You have to make that room to be part of the house as a whole. For whatever reason that room has a negative effect on you. If none of this works then it is all psychological, however, I don't think it is! I believe although, I can't say for sure because I am not there, the energy in that room is just sitting there like a dark cloud! An open void of negative energy!
Now that you & everyone knows I'm crazy. Does this make sense to you? I hope this helps!💜
I think that you did hit on the emotions that I am feeling, especially since mom’s death. The feeling of an ‘empty’ room is it.
Okay, even before her death, I couldn’t go into the room.
I do believe that everything is energy.
Now, you may think that I am crazy. I do think emotions can be triggered by certain things, memories and even colors.
Mom and dad always took us to wakes at funeral homes and I hated it. I suppose that I couldn’t understand it as a young child.
My great aunt told me that the deceased were sleeping.
I was terrified that if I went to bed at night and ‘sleep,’ I would end up in a wooden box like at the funeral home and then be dropped in a hole in the ground at the cemetery.
The walls in the funeral home were mauve. To this day, I hate the color mauve!
Do you know what color my mom picked for her room to be painted? A dusty rose! So, maybe you are correct about changing the color too.
Wow! I believe that you are intuitive.
I have always been relieved to leave funeral homes after attending a wake.
You know what is interesting? I know of funeral homes that closed and are now other businesses. I have heard of unusual things happening in those places. I believe it.
Thanks again for listening to my concerns and for telling me your thoughts on the matter.