Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
The nightmares that I had as a child were horrific.
It didn’t help that my brothers always laughed at me.
Once in a blue moon, mom would let me lie down next to her if I was crying hysterically. I felt safe then. When I fell asleep, daddy would carry me back to my bed.
I still have bad dreams when I am stressed out, but now I have my husband to hold onto when I wake up.
Lea, I have thought about sage. I haven’t ever done that before but I know that the practice goes back to native Americans.
NHWM, yes, you make complete, total sense. When dad passed in October I found it best to keep to myself that dad had to be so much happier where he went, no matter where that might be because there just couldn't be anything worse than what he was living through. His last few days were the most peaceful of his later years. His suffering ended and there was no more fear, agitation, waking nightmares or any of the stuff in his head that tormented him. Being a witness to the passing of that trauma is a difficult thing to communicate and is often misinterpreted as callousness. Best just to keep that to a minimum and share a few memories that you have in common with the person you're talking to so, yes, NHWM, I totally get it.
Lealonnie1, is it possible when you're witnessing confusion that there's a short in the circuitry of your NMama's brain that allows more endorphins to pass through the neurons or maybe even you're seeing new damage to the brain in real time. Damage to tissues does release endorphins-- nature's pain killer-also gives a sense of euphoria.
E.P. The connections in the brain are pretty delicate. Mom does this sort of thing, missing the obvious connections. So, the (good Lord now I've forgotten the name of the plant you gave your mom) pet plant might be a whole different thing in her mind. Yes, it's a plant but it's special and maybe elevated to another status. If you'd be okay with a suggestion, have connecting the two, pet plant with basil plant, they grow the same way? I dunno. My brain is a field flowers that smell bad right now. And good call with the atty. Big girl pants are important. I'm giving my atty source till Monday to hear back. I spent a few hours on hold this Tuesday. Next Tuesday I move on to another source. Every moment I wait is another moment that gives NMama an opportunity to sharpen her claws.
Katsmihur, heavenly stars! What in the world is going on with doctors? It's like somebody hit the neurologist with a 600 lb stupid stick. And thank you for your prayers. Right now, I need them.
Lealonnie1, The conversation with Dr Strangenerve was after she "remembered" to tell him about the fall. Okay she didn't mention the reason she fell🙄 so, this is telling to me, she loses her train of thought in the middle of telling him she fell, my guess here is that NOT telling him the reason took mental resources she didn't have, and just kinda stared up at the ceiling looking for the rest of the story I guess, so what came out was, "Oh and I fell last night (pause) AOL (she means Amazon) was on my (pause) my ( pause) was on my (pause) my (pause obvious she can't find the word, the idea, the conversation) " Dr interrupts "uh huh. You fell." Mom says " I didn't hit my head this time." Dr. Says, " Well, you're telling me about everything and you sound good to me. I can tell just by taking to you that one thing is for sure, you don't have alzheimer's or any kind of dimentia".
I mean, really?!? 🙄 Is my mom a cash cow or what?
If I find a Dr. That finds the truth I might consider suing her current neurologist. That's just nutz.
Please forgive me if I've posted the wrong name in connection with responses in this reply post. I'm speed replying and I'm terrible at it.
I had horrendous nightmares, mostly recurring, every night of my life too, from 5 years old to 28. They stopped on a dime when I found out I was pregnant.
It is worth a try. I don’t want to feel uneasy.
Thanks for your understanding, Aoi. It helps.
I thought about telling NHWM about burning sage; however, she would have to be the one doing it, which she said she can't even go into the room and I worry that if spirits are dormant she may awake them or if there are spirits in the house they may think she is trying to remove them and become angry with her. But burning sage is good for removing negative energy.
I plan on doing a cleansing after I clean out this house to get rid of all negative energy & entities! I just bought some sage.
Thank you AoiUsagi! I am glad that you found my Irish Alzheimers funny!🙃
NHWM,
Your not crazy! Emotions are energy. Why do you think we get so tired after a emotional explosion or emotional breakdown? Because we are using energy to express our feeling, therefore, we are sending out energy!
It is terrible to tell kids that the dead are sleeping. In my opinion!
I have nightmares as well when I am stressed out. My NM would never let me sleep with her, but I am not going there on how she handle me having nightmares...let's just say, it wasn't good!
I am just glad I could help!
Lots of things can bring on nightmares.
Yes, it does make a significant difference how we were treated in life, especially by a mom.
Some of my nightmares were because of my brother too. I saw and heard things that no young child should have been exposed to.
Yes, it was a ‘hush hush’ era. My parents didn’t know how to explain anything because they were struggling to understand the situation too.
They didn’t think to speak to a therapist or take us. It wasn’t commonly done back then.
They felt that only ‘crazy’ people went to therapy. There was a stigma attached to seeing a therapist.
You are absolutely correct about becoming drained!
Shell, Idk know enough about sage and ridding a house of negative energy......maybe NHWM can hire someone to do it?
Yes, I believe that our circumstances can bring on nightmares.
I could try to do the sage. My husband would go into the room with me.
Or you’re right. I could look into assistance.
Aoi- you said to Lea "Lealonnie1, is it possible when you're witnessing confusion that there's a short in the circuitry of your NMama's brain that allows more endorphins to pass through the neurons or maybe even you're seeing new damage to the brain in real time. Damage to tissues does release endorphins-- nature's pain killer-also gives a sense of euphoria."
This is interesting, I have never read about this do you have a link by any chance? The timing is interesting to me because I talked to my mom on the phone early eve last night and she had this odd sense of euphoria, because she was "watching my shows!" So much so that I mentioned it to DH. He thought maybe she had taken an extra opiate pill, but this just sounded different to me. Then I see what you posted. Interesting.
Lea, your mom does seem to be progressing lately, so I can see why you feel on edge. This Vascular dementia is truly a crazy mixed bag. I'm there with you, waiting for the looming crisis. Let's face it, how can we NOT have chronic anxiety constantly waiting on the next issue that needs to be dealt with, and we know it's NEVER going to be easy.
Here is some practical advice that I just tried for myself last night with surprisingly good results. A couple months ago my DH started listening to podcasts at night if he woke up and it would help him get back to sleep. He doesn't tend to have sleep issues, but I DO. Waking up with racing thoughts and anxiety ALL the time. I don't know why it took me so long to try his podcast idea but I finally did last night. I subscribed to one called "Sleep With Me" which is designed for the anxious insomniac. It was amazing! The guy who hosts it has this calm soothing voice, and he talks about various subjects in such a way that you can focus on what he is saying (instead of your own racing thoughts) yet, you start to lose focus and fall asleep. In fact a couple times I did wake up and the worries started creeping and I just put the earphones back in and focused on the guys voice. I went back to sleep both times instead of laying there an anxious mess. Last night I had my earphones in pretty much the whole night. In fact I already ordered a new pair from Amazon meant for sleep, because I plan to continue this practice.
Hugs to all
As always, your in my prayers!😘
Shell,
It's good to here from you!😘
Aoi,
It took a Geriatrician to properly diagnose my Aunt with Alzheimer's (I already knew).
Another thought. Has Mom been checked for UTI?
That can cause very strange behavior and can cause sepsis if left untreated.
Hang in there!!😘
Aoi and EP: IDK about "short in the circuitry of your NMama's brain that allows more endorphins to pass through the neurons or maybe even you're seeing new damage to the brain in real time. Damage to tissues does release endorphins-- nature's pain killer-also gives a sense of euphoria." In fact, IDK about ANY of this dementia/ALZ stuff. All I DO know is there's no cure or medication that my NM can take to make it all go away for a while, which would be nice. She did call again last night and was 100% confused with EVERYTHING and it was exhausting to get thru the call with her asking the same question over and over again. I doubt I got thru to her at ALL; and it was 8 pm, so she was particularly confused.
EP: the headphones & podcasts are a wonderful idea!
DH & I are off to estate sales today. It's been a long week & we need some shopping therapy to unwind :)
Wishing you all a GREAT day with NO mama drama!
I appreciate your support. I hope that you and your husband feel better very soon.
It seems like things fall apart all at once.
I think I will feel better after mom’s ashes are in our family plot.
I am going through the emotions one day at the time.
Like Shell, lots of memories are surfacing in my head.
How are things with you?
So glad that you have gardening as your therapy.
Being in nature is nurturing and peaceful.
Welcome to the new members of the conversation! What a great group this is.
Just started to send my mom a copy of a long essay I wrote and delivered to a local nonprofit of which we're both officers, purportedly so she can edit it into a shorter version for me to deliver at an event in June. Just as I was going to hit send, it occurred to me she will also try to pass off this essay as her own work and probably transmit it to others just for praise and attention to feed the bottomless narc hole - think I'll "forget" to send it and do the editing myself.
Things have been going a bit better lately - have been able to keep to a lower ratio of contact. Mostly I remind myself that whenever I call nmom or my aunt I'm going to have to listen to a long laundry list of complaints and most of the conversation will be about death and/or illness - I'm reminded of some language in the book called "Children of the Elderly Self Absorbed" which describes "clingy" type self-absorbed as having "whining" type behavior. That definitely describes my family - I hope I don't spend so much time focused on whining and negativity when it's my turn to be elderly though I'm sure health problems are no fun.
Lea, I know this isn't funny but I got a chuckle of recognition out of your description of your mom expecting you to take her in to live with you despite all her falls and health problems. They just really are disconnected from reality sometimes, aren't they?
Continued good thoughts for everyone dealing with loved ones' health problems. Piper, I like the suggestion to give your mother a REALLY important job to do during the time you'd like her not to be on your plate during the upcoming wedding!! So sorry to hear folks are having trouble getting nmoms properly diagnosed with dementia. I can't imagine how hard that must be.
Shell: bless you 💐💖🌺Another 'sister' 🌜🌝🌛? So, the grudges are are inadequate mental nutrition but the turn of phrase was hilarious. I agree. Adding sugar to ship doesn't make it better it just makes it sweet ship. Sugar coating doesn't leave room for building coping skills. Do I detect a note of sarcasm regarding nightmares and the connection to abuse? ( WARNING: my previous statement was dripping with sarcasm)
NHWM: I don't know if you agree or not, I think airing out the skeletons in the closet is good for them and for us. It's painful but it helps to be able to process trauma and the skeletons are always so fresh and clean after.🌟
Lealonnie: I remember when being adopted was all very hush-hush. It never was fair or kind how it was looked at. Not being allowed to process it had to be like getting sat on by an elephant. You and I were both, only children and that's hard enough without all the other trauma thrown at you from every different direction.
Llama!🤗 So glad to see you return. I hope your health issues have let up a bit.
E.P.: Yes! I've got 2 really good articles for you. I shortened the URLs to save space and my eyeballs:
One:https://bit.ly/3xvULwW
Two: https://bit.ly/33anhpP
I'm sending this past off right now as-is. I figure the info is pretty important to E.P.
Please forgive misspelling, unfortunate choices of words, typos,etc. I didn't edit this time. Next post I'll spare everyone the goofs.
Will get back later.💖💐🤗
:)
hug!!
shell, you wrote:
"I started to have nightmares at age 3. I wonder is there some connection between how our mothers treated us & the nightmares?🤔"
...that's the 1st time i see someone say this --- and i really DO think it's the case.
if you're mistreated, i think it's quite likely it'll come out in your sleep/dreams.
when things bother us, it tends to come out in our dreams. when we're doing very well, our sleep tends to be more relaxed, too.
i take it as a sign (if i sleep badly), that i must make a change.
also my body...when i see something not quite right, i must make a change.
normally that means, avoid person A, B, C...etc.
but sometimes we can't avoid unfriendly people.
courage!
hug!!
i wish us well, and to have nice/joyful/peaceful days/nights -- also for our loved ones.
my real name, by the way, means peace :).
bundle of joy :)
NeedHelp and Shell, reading through the latest posts, you are both doing really well given the early stages of your bereavements. There are so many mixed emotions, and these can change from one day to the next, sometimes triggered by certain things. Even now, nearly 2 years on, I sometimes think I’ll phone my dad to tell him about something that would interest him, and then I remember he’s gone. This used to devastate me, but now I feel a sad sense of disappointment when the realisation hits me. A similar thing happened about my MIL this week. My DH would always phone her every Wednesday on his way home from work. This week I saw him pull up outside, and thought, “I wonder how she is” before remembering she was gone. I told him about this, and he said he’d been about to phone her before realising the same thing. It’s the habitual actions and rituals that can catch you out, as well as the anniversaries, birthdays and other events you’ve spent years going through together. To both of you, just take each day at a time, do as much or as little as you feel capable of doing, and let yourselves feel whatever you feel, it’s all ok.
Piper, interesting you’ve found some soothing exercises to listen to in the night. I found some short meditation sessions, between 3 and 25 minutes long, that I can listen to online if I wake up with, as you describe, thoughts running into overdrive and anxiety. They really worked for me when things were bad a few months ago. I’ve been having a few sleepless nights again recently, but have managed to rationalise that as not being at all surprising, having lost my father, two uncles, an aunt, a cousin and now my MIL in less than two years, with the backdrop of the pandemic too! I think we need to give ourselves some credit for keeping going despite everything that has been thrown at us!
Lea, I get you about those nightmares. It’s the same for me, and yes, I do believe it’s to do with abandonment issues.
To counteract the insomnia and nightmares, I also have a diffuser in the bedroom and use lavender and clary sage to create a soothing environment to help me sleep. This works for me.
While I’m posting here I could just do with some advice about MIL’s funeral. My SIL is trying to take over and assume centre stage by wanting to read a tribute at the funeral, in addition to the one the vicar will give. My BIL is too spineless to ask her to step back and just allow the vicar to deliver the eulogy on behalf of the family. Neither my DH or BIL feel they want to speak, and were initially happy to let the vicar do everything. My DH feels quite strongly about this as the family history is that our SIL has always tried to control what we did whenever we used to visit my MIL, organising everything so that she could be involved rather than let my DH spend time just with his mother. I think it is from a sense of insecurity. He is worried she will take over and hijack the occasion with her exhibitionism. At my FIL’s funeral she took over certain aspects of the day, without prior warning, and left my DH feeling marginalised. No one has ever told her to sit down and shut up. DH feels that this is another attempt to diminish his/our position in the family, and that if he doesn’t stand firm now, he’ll have to endure a funeral service that he doesn’t want for his mother. I suggested he speak to the vicar and ask him to speak to our SIL, pointing out that as next of kin, my DH’s wishes assume higher precedence than hers. I don’t want my DH to be upset about all of this this such a difficult time. Any advice would be most welcome.
I appreciate your kind words.
Happy Birthday 🎂!
Chris, exactly! It doesn’t seem real yet.
Psalms: it's a pleasure to meet another gardener. There's just something special about getting all dirty and watching things grow. It's like having green children.
Xrayjodib: I have to thank you once again for making the post that brings us all here day after day. I also have to thank you for putting the question from that post in my head. I thought I had the answer. Turns out I might have been a bit hasty. I have a post to share another day, about just that. I'm so fortunate to have run into you when I did and as a result, discover all of these wonderful people (Are we all women?) And start asking myself some hard questions that have complicated answers. This group has inspired and uplifted me and I feel like we are at some point going to disagree on stuff but it won't matter because we all care about each other that much. I hope to see your numbers grow and flourish. It's great to be here.
I'm glad you brought up UTIs. It IS a possibility. Mom just did wee-in-a-cup last week and we'll find out soon and she does the test pretty regularly. When she had her episode last year, a visiting physician was recommend and they send out people regularly for blood and tinkle. Dad was on low-dose macrobid all the time due to frequent UTIs. In his case, a UTI would send him into orbit around an as yet undiscovered planet. I'm glad you brought it up because it's not a well known fact that a UTI can give an elderly person a dreadful trip. Good thinking. And thank you.
E.P.: Thank you for the podcast idea. I listen to binaural beats at night and I love TED talks during the day but I never thought to look for a podcast for sleep issues. I made a note of the title, "Sleep With Me" so I can look it up. There are earphones for sleep? I'm on it! Thanx!
Howdy, Bundleofjoy🤗💐. Nice to meet you.
Chriscat: I think your idea of having the Vicar speak to your SIL is likely for the best. Sounds like SIL is going to be enough to handle without giving her center stage and Vicars are trained for delicate matters like this and is not a member of the family so no accusation of power-plays can be bandied about. It's a hard enough time without attention seeking opportunism.
💐🧁🥳🍰🎁🎂🎈🎉🌟 Happy Birthday Hellebore!!🎉🐔🎂🎁🌜🥳🌺🌹💐
Thanks. I hear ya!
We all have skeletons in our closet.
Chris.....I agree. The vicar should tell your pushy SIL that NOBODY but HIM is to make any speeches, tributes or eulogies to your MIL except for him and that's that. If she pushes the matter, it's at the request of the children that nobody but the vicar speak. It always amazes me that anyone would want to "steal the spotlight" at a FUNERAL for petesake. She can stay home if she can't bear to keep her mouth shut.
Joy, too bad we kids couldn't avoid our unfriendly NMs when we were little, huh? My DDs middle name is Joy btw! 😁 I know that's just your username here, but I love the name Joy. Winifred means peace......is that your real name? 😂
Hellebore, happy early birthday! To celebrate I think you should buy yourself a Louis Vuitton purse and gorge on chocolate cake! Who cares if you need to second-mortgage the house for the purse? I'm sure DH will understand the necessity of owning a Louis by the time we're 70. Funny thing, but one of the doofus boys I went to high school with wound up becoming a Louis Vuitton salesman in NYC right after graduation and is now making a FORTUNE selling rich ladies stupidly expensive leather goods!
Estate Sales were a total bust today. All huge houses (one sold for 3.2 million) with nothing good in them at all. Oh well. It was sunny and 85 today and glorious so it was good to be outside.
What was your best find at an estate sale?
Do you watch Antique’s Road Show? I do. I love it.