Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
Ok, this is all I have been doing in the last 4 days...packed 17 boxes of nik naks and still not done...did 11 loads (which included ours, my NM's clothes & pajamas & towels & blankets) of laundry, which I am still not done. My NM had 22 pairs of pajamas & still counting. I have thrown out the ones with stains & very used ones & the rest will be donated into a 'clothing drop box.' This woman had more towels then anyone could ever need, so, I am washing them and keeping the ones I want and donating the rest to my local animal shelter. (Already have 2 big garbage bags to donate.) However, I still keep finding more towels! Heavy sigh!! Took out of my NM'S room 9 bags of garbage, which are mostly papers, old magazines, and just little things that are broken and not worth anything (still have more to do). Packed 3 med size boxes of books and still counting...I really could open my own book store! Plus, my SO & I installed a hot water heater yesterday! I am exhausted! I hope my NM is looking down on me thinking "what was my HUMAN SELF thinking leaving that big mess!"
Lea,
When you said, "that my NM is finally at peace, which she never had in life." You hit the nail on the head!
I found so many self helped books, psychology, astrology, different religion, medical books all on How to love yourself, how to heal yourself from depression, how to except who you are and more. Some of these books go back to the 70's. She was looking for answers about herself & how to love herself & why she was the way she was...if that makes sense. She was even looking to the stars for answers! I also found little notes to herself stateding 'why it is important to love yourself.' "How do deal with having kids and the pressures of being a mom," How very sad!!
If you ladies never hear from me again that would mean I killed over from cleaning out this house!!! Ugh!!!
Happy belated Birthday!🥳🎉🥂 🎂 🎈 🎈 🎁
Bundeofjoy,
Your property right. The stress being abused and living with uncertainty everyday is to much for a child! Even now, I have nightmares when I am overly stressed.
Piper,
Thank you! It really was a punch in the gut. Who would do that to their child? I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around all the things I know she did to me, but to find out more crap she did. Just today, I found a recipe that I use to make all the time as a kid and once again I found it with her stuff and here I thought I lost it!! Nope!!
Llama,
Thank you for your support & kind words! I am glad you were able to get into the dentist. I know when my teeth hurt I feel like crap & don't feel like doing much. Plus, you always have to think about what you can & cannot eat...Ugh!! Get feeling better my friend!💞
Xray,
You are not wrong for wanting to hit DH. I probably would have punch my SO in the arm...don't worry he has big arms & he can take a hit from me! LOL! Well, your decorations sound lovely. Their lost!!
Lea,
My parents have a great deal of pictures & art work. Some of the artist's name on them & some don't. My dad always told me to not sell the pictures & art work to just anyone for any amount because some are worth money & some aren't! Of course, he never said which was which! LOL! So I'll be holding on to them for awhile! I have had 'family members' & others asking for some of those things and I told them all "nope!" Of course, a few I will keep because I like them!!
Isn’t it amazing what is collected over a lifetime? I detest clutter! It usually ends up being an unorganized mess.
I bet that you are completely exhausted. You will be glad when you get finished.
jodi I wish we could post pics in here. Would love to see your band photos! I used red and black for a party I did a few years ago, luckily I hit right between 4th of July and Halloween so there were lots of decoration options in those colors in stores. I got most of it at the Dollar Tree, they have more-cute options than you'd think sometimes.
This afternoon nmom sent me a couple of photos, without even any warning subject line, of my formerly favorite cousin & baby who broke my heart into a million pieces when he acted completely indifferent to moving 2000 miles away earlier this year - no email, no phone call, no nothing, apparently he didn't care that I found out about it on Facebook. Tho he did call nmom and suck up to her so of course she thinks everything he does is just woooonderful. I'm really bummed their kid born a year or two ago will grow up not knowing us or anything about this area which our family came to 200+ years ago. Also the cousin's mom went with them, which really stinks because WE all helped HER when her mom (another one of my aunts) was old and in assisted living but apparently she feels no need to reciprocate any of that of course.
nmom KNOWS I am hurt by this. I've mentioned it repeatedly. But by sending the pictures she's saying (again) essentially that my feelings don't matter, "we" meaning the larger family have all decided this is OK and nobody gives a rat's a** how I feel. She knows I'll take it like this because I've taken similar things like this in the past. She just doesn't care.
And she *knows* I'm having a tough week because my birthday is about to be spoiled for the second year in a row by strong thunderstorms (not just a little rain, so there's no question of being able to do anything outside.) Last year the power was out all day after we had to cancel an international trip I had really looked forward to, to celebrate my 50th bday... DH had to take our food to a relative's so it wouldn't spoil and I spent the day home alone in the dark. I don't feel comfortable eating in restaurants or going to movies, so there won't be anything to do at all other than sit home (just praying the lights don't go out again) or go over to my aunt's and it'll be all about how sick she and nmom are and how sorry they feel for themselves, not about me really at all. I doubt they'll get me a cake or much more than a card or something from Dollar Tree.
I don't think I can get out of it but after having these photos thrown in my face I think I might invent "not feeling well" that day and ask to postpone, then keep the postponed date as short as possible. DH and I can put the cats in the car and come back up to our vacation house (formerly my dad's old house which he left to us in his will, it's no mansion but it's a cabin in the woods with a wraparound porch near a big lake.)
Y'all... this is just exhausting. I know she legit has a personality disorder and in so many ways the behavior isn't personal but I can't get her to leave me alone. She wants A LOT more contact than I do in terms of phone calls visits and what have you and every time I let my guard down she does something like this. I haven't forgotten the hundreds of dollars of my property she gave away back in January (had stored it at her house like an idiot.) It *hurts* to be told over and over your feelings don't matter even though you know the other person is all screwed up inside.
No advice really needed I guess, just wanted to vent. So glad I have my community here who knows *exactly* how it is!!
I have a mixture of emotions. At times, it still doesn’t seem real. I know that it will seem real when we have our graveside service for mom. Also, I have a feeling Mother’s Day will be difficult for me. Father’s Day was really hard for me the first year after my dad died.
Your situation has been stressful. Vent anytime you need to. It’s healthy to process our emotions. Suppression causes anxiety and depression. I felt like I would explode when I kept things bottled up.
After reading your post...and people wonder why I say, "Sometimes family will screw you over faster than a stranger." I know you're hurt and why wouldn't you be?! You've helped them and thought you all was close...close enough to at least tell you that they were moving. I'm sorry that you can't get a little bit of compassion & understanding! You vent all you need to. My NM side of the family is mad at me because I told them the truth about their sister and more so because I refuse to have a funeral or a memorial service. They know I don't have the money and besides I really don't want to hear about how wonderful she was & their sad stories about how they grew up! I have enough problems without hearing theirs!! By the way, knowing that its a mental illness doesn't make it any easier!! Hugs!!!💙
NHWM,
I pray that you get closer and peace after your mom's funeral service. I'm not sure what is worst being on an emotional roller coaster or feeling guilty because you feel nothing but relief!! Maybe they both are bad just in different ways! You'll get through this...one day at a time...if that is to much then one hour at a time...You do what you need too. But you know that your mom would not want you to continue to be on a emotional roller coaster! She really is in a better place and you know this!
My NM was a hoarder. She kept EVERYTHING! Every little piece of paper from 30 to 40 yrs ago! Magazines that were from the 80's & 90's. Really how many note pads does one person need...I guess, 10 is the answer & most of them she stolen from Drs offices & pt rehabs. Here I thought she was only stealing from me...she stole things where ever she went! Heavy sigh!!
I hope you feel better! Hugs!!💜
Just did a quick Google and this really describes it... narcissism is a family syndrome also of course: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202003/the-12-dysfunctional-rules-the-narcissistic-family
Probably the best thing to do, as always, is try to stay away. Luckily the bad weather will probably cancel the birthday luncheon on Tuesday so hopefully it'll all be no drama.
Hopefully you have something special planned for Mothers Day NWHM. Maybe it'll be nice weather and you can go for a walk in the park or something.
I don't like the dentist, but I go!😬 Just think how much better you will feel!!
My parents had bridges...all I can say is I am so sorry that you are in pain. Sending you lots of hugs!!!
I agree, one day at the time to get us through. I do know that our moms are finally at peace with no more suffering. I am very grateful for hospice caring for her towards the end.
I think people get into the trap of keeping items because they think that they will need it one day. It’s silly though. If something has been stashed away forever, you don’t need it.
My grandma and mom did not hoard things, nor did grandpa or daddy.
Some people do become packrats. My husband’s grandmother was somewhat of a hoarder. She had sticky fingers like your mom. It was so embarrassing to take her out. She stole the sugar packets, crackers, basically any condiments on the restaurant table.
My NM'S family (the one's who have money) are cheap and the others have no money! I haven't seen most of them in decades and now they want to be a family...now they care about their sister!
Your right! Sometimes it is just to much to deal with their emotional junk!! And I hate to say it, but your NM will take that letter and turn it around on you, but you know this! I'm sorry that your family have that ONENESS THINKING!! Ugh for you! And as far as them acting like children well, I always say, "if you acted like a child then I'll treat you like a child!" No wonder you stay away...it is for the best! You have to protect & take care of you!
The funny thing is 'NO ONE' knew that my NM had sticking fingers. As I was cleaning out her room (not that I'm done) I found two of my coasters that I used at a house I was living in from the 90's. My NM stole two of my drink coasters and I never knew it!
She has paper where she did math on from 10 yrs ago. Who keeps a piece of paper that they calculate to see how much money they have left after paying their bills from 10 yrs?! It's maddening!
I knew my NM stole rolls from restaurants, but this is crazy! My dad made a good living. She didn't go without anything! So, think about this...here is a woman that is wearing a 2ct one of a kind diamond ring stealing rolls! I hope you are giggling because I am!
She had Birthday cards to myself & my brother that she never gave us! LOL!
My NM is not a packrat, she was a hoarder and I am stuck cleaning it up! She filled every space in this house! I already had one dumpster here two summers ago & I have one coming this Wednesday & I'll need another one after that! But I guess, I can't complain to much because in a few yrs I can sell the house and move away!
My dad was a small packrat, but it was in his office and his workshop and nothing more!
But people do keep the silliest things! I am just so tired of cleaning up after her. I have been doing it since I was 9 yrs old! At least, this time will be the last! Thank God for small favors!😲
I am giggling because my husband’s grandmother was the same. She took the rolls too! She brought a HUGE purse with her to dump things in. She also was dripping in diamonds and furs. Her home was adorned in crystal chandeliers, silver and gold.
She kept EVERYTHING! Ridiculous stuff! It has to be associated with mental illness.
Hellebore, happy belated birthday. I hope the weather didn’t spoil things, although it sounds like the real spoilers are your NM and aunt. When you wrote about your NM: “I can’t get her to leave me alone”, you took the words right out of my mouth. This has been my mantra since my teenage years ( so for over 40 years now). All I ever wanted was a quiet life but with an NM, a sneering, mocking stepfather, and a controlling and verbally abusive stepmother it was never going to happen. Now the NM is out of my house, the stepfather dead and having gone no contact with the stepmother, I am finally starting to get some of that simple peace I’ve been longing for all my life. If I were you I wouldn’t comment on those hurtful Facebook photos. Don’t give your NM the satisfaction. I like the idea of your vacation cabin in the woods. That sounds like your “ safe space” where you can get that peace you are craving. Enjoy!
NeedHelp, I think you are making progress. Small steps are all you need at this stage.
Today is a UK holiday day. We have heavy rain and gales forecast, pretty typical for holidays at this time of year. It’s going to be a Netflix day I think, but I’m also going to have some creative time, sketching and painting with my new art materials. I was never able to express myself in this way in the past, with the various destructive people in my life who considered this to be self indulgent behaviour, rubbishing it by mocking my feelings so much that I never even got to the stage of putting paint to paper. It’s very liberating to be free to be me now, and I hope that others can find this freedom whatever their current circumstances.
I saw NM both Saturday and Sunday. Her shows aren't on TV during the weekends so she gets bored. Both days she initiated the visits. Won't be happening today. I'll be busy "working". Yesterday she told me "You look like s***" because I wasn't wearing a bra. Now, my tee shirts are heavy (nothing remotely see through) and on the baggy side. I responded that I got used to being braless during the pandemic and decided to stay that way unless I was going out or had company. She got offended somehow, again, wanting to be treated like the queen of England came over. So she had to spew the dig about how I looked like s***. I responded "I don't care what you think" and laughed it off. Meanwhile I'm thinking- who says that to their kid???? And FWIW I am a very petit person on the thin side. I also know I am not ugly. She's just a witch.
Gee I wonder why I was asking for Zofran this morning?
On a more positive note I had a good talk with my sister yesterday. She made the suggestion that we consider moving to Texas so she can help with my mom. That won't be happening as I don't want to live in Texas and in no way do I want to move my mom unless it's to MC. But I told her I appreciated the sentiment. I told her if she can take my mom more frequently that would help a lot and she agreed to do it. Well see how it plays out but at least she is reaching out, and she's taking my mom to PA on the 23rd, so I'll get a break then.
Chris I'm glad you are finally getting some peace.
Happy Birthday Hellebore!
Shell & NHWM you two are doing pretty good, all things considered. This might sound twisted but I'm happy for you both, because now you can really heal. That part is the good part.
I've missed some posts so need to catch up.
9. Appearances Are More Important Than Substance (put on a bra you look like s***!) SMH
Yep. Actually I could relate to everything on that list. I wish there was more out there about the demented narcissist. Dementia is a game changer and makes it extra, extra difficult to deal with these narcs.
My warm good wishes to all who are either celebrating or suffering today (or somewhere in between). Your honesty and support are so valuable; may your God go with you, as Dave Allen used to say.
That’s fantastic that your sister offered to take your mom for awhile. Would be nice if your mom could be with her for about a month, at least a couple of weeks.
I wouldn’t move to a place that I wouldn’t be interested in either.
What is the nicest month for weather in the UK?
For myself, it's been every bit as good as therapy!!
So many of us are in pain.
Physical as well as emotional!!
Sending out prayers and good vibrations to you ALL.😘
Update: DH spoke with the gal in his office who is supposed to be in charge of the decorations for the party.
As it turns out, apparently no one was doing anything!! Crisis averted!!! Good thing I took the bull by the horns! Lol.🐃🐂
OK y'all - so bad weather did scuttle the plans for tomorrow. But now nmom is really being aggressive about when we're going to reschedule.
Part of me feels like I should tell her how much forwarding the pics upset me (to those who missed it: my nmom sent me family photos of a cousin she knows hurt my feelings deeply by not telling me they were planning to move far away. She knows part of that is that I'm upset their baby won't be raised to know us or our family history in this part of the country. She just - doesn't care. We have a narc family dynamic in which I'm not allowed to have individual feelings. I could talk all day.)
Anyway, part of me wants to tell her but part of me knows well it won't change anything at all, and all day today I'd be embroiled in drama with her and I just - don't feel like it. We'll reschedule the party for next week sometime, and I'll stay the minimum amount of time I can get away with, and if she doesn't like it, too bad. She shouldn't send me things she knows will upset me.
(See how easy? I'm getting to the point I can answer my own problems just by posting here because I'm starting to sort of know what you all will say which is basically - tough noogies if nmoms have problems, they reap what they sow in many ways.)
Chris: "Now the NM is out of my house, the stepfather dead and having gone no contact with the stepmother, I am finally starting to get some of that simple peace I’ve been longing for all my life. If I were you I wouldn’t comment on those hurtful Facebook photos. Don’t give your NM the satisfaction. I like the idea of your vacation cabin in the woods. That sounds like your “ safe space” where you can get that peace you are craving. Enjoy!"
Thank you!! I think I'll take this advice. Especially since it won't do any good and it'll just give her space to tell me how "selfish" I am - which is the projection of the world. I am the least selfish person in our family in many ways because I didn't inherit a personality disorder, thank heavens. Just so you know, I'm a big UKphile so I live vicariously through your posts of a quiet life! Can't wait to get over there again, as soon as I can (probably Scotland, since I have a lot of Scottish ancestry but also a lot of English.)
Piper I'm so glad your sister is willing to pitch in. That may be a godsend. Your body is definitely sending you signals it would be unwise to ignore. Do you feel like dementia makes your mom craftier, or more demanding, or both? What ways specifically is it so bad? Whenever you get a second.
Thanks for the wellwishes helenb!!
Hellebore, how is it that NMs, in their 'effort to plan nice events for US', turn the event into a NIGHTMARE for all concerned? I have a question about the cousins who moved far away w/o telling you: do you never want to see photos of their baby growing up? I realize NM sent you photos perhaps knowing they might upset you.......which is a nasty thing to do on her part. But the cousin's child is innocent of any wrongdoing here. While you may not want anything to do with THEM, maybe you'd still want to know about their child or watch her/him grow up? Just a thought. Re: Bringing the matter up with NM, I wouldn't bother if it's going to create more heartburn for YOU. That's how I decide things with mine; will it create more aggravation for ME than it's worth?
So we went to visit my NM yesterday after 2 weeks away. She's whittled her entire life down to Food and the Bathroom now. She's 100% obsessed with How Bad the Food is at the MC and Her Snacks which are kept in the MC's kitchen area *they don't want the residents keeping food in their rooms* and are doled out by the CGs. For many months now, NM has insisted the staff is 'stealing' her snacks when in fact the snacks are 'disappearing' into her stomach. I replenish them as necessary. I sent over that Amazon shipment a couple of weeks ago & apparently she's been carrying on that she 'has no snacks' and/or that they've 'disappeared'. So the CG had to TAKE PHOTOS of all of her snacks with her cell phone and come by during our visit to show them to me and to NM! NM then turns around & says to me "yeah my snacks are DISAPPEARING left and right". ARRRRRGH. I told her, "Mom, Patricia just showed you the PHOTOS of ALL of your snacks." Guess what she said? "You bought WAY TOO MANY SNACKS and I don't want them." I told her, "No matter what is done, it's always the wrong thing; too many snacks, not enough snacks. Eat them or don't eat them, it's up to you."
DH thinks that the next time NM has an 'event' that brings her to the hospital (she's due for one), the MC will not accept her back & that's when we'll need to get her into the SNF. I agree with him; with all of her falls and now the behavioral issues, she's become too much for them to handle I think. She gets the other residents riled up about the 'horrible food' situation, and they all get upset (is what the ED told me).
Jodi, agree that it's great to see our group growing with kindred spirits and yes, it is indeed good therapy here! Together we are all stronger!
NeedHelp, I would say June is our best UK month, weather wise. Where we live I find the winters difficult but the summer is magical. If you get the chance to read Cider with Rosie by Laurie Lee, you'll get a flavour of the seasons here. I live in the area he writes about, and although he wrote about bygone times, I recognise everything he describes. May can be wonderful too, as everything is so fresh and green, but today has been a total washout. Gales and heavy rain all day. Feel very sorry for pubs and restaurants as they're only allowed outdoor customers at the moment. It would have been unsafe outside at many of these places today, so they'll have lost all their business on what is a long holiday weekend.
Piper, good to read that your sister is reaching out to help more. I do think you're right about the nausea being stress related. It's a shame you can't reduce the impact of the stressor and have instead to resort to meds.
Signing off now, and back to holiday Netflix!
Is that how it works? They wait until a hospital visit then don’t accept the resident back?
When I went to an in person support group there were two women in attendance that had husbands that had to leave their assisted living facility. They went into skilled nursing because they had health issues that exceeded their capabilities.
They explained that the AL does all they can to keep residents but it isn’t always possible. Then they give a the residents a reasonable amount of time to find a skilled nursing facility to move into.
Whew! You certainly have a lot to deal with. I hope that your mom will make a smooth transition. I like that hospice organizations go into facilities. Hospice was there for my uncle in his facility. My cousins were happy with the facility they picked. My uncle adjusted.