Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
As usual I went to bed late last night.
Went into my bathroom one last time before going to bed.
Next thing I know, my DH is trying to pick up off the floor!
I literally passed out and fell on the tile floor!
I'm ok this morning except my right shoulder hurts.
Two years ago I was in nirvana!
Involved in everything! Church, musicals at our local theater, community service and band gigs.
Life was beautiful!!
Now I feel completely stifled by caring for these two women.
I know so many of you are hurting!!
Please heed my warning and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!
(((Hugs)))
No, my Aunt is not a narcissist (Thank God), she is the sweetest woman I have ever known!
When I was little, I used to pray that God would make her my Mom.
Chris,
In the US we celebrate Mother's day in May.
The thought of trying to find a Mother's day card makes me stress. Hallmark doesn't make cards for NMs. Lol
You’re right about Mother’s Day being the ultimate in gaslighting. I hadn’t thought of it in that way before but it does explain why some of us get so upset about celebrating it.
When our son was very small we sometimes went out for lunch on Mother’s Day. My mother still made it all about her, even though I too had become a mother. She would require so much attention during the meal that I was often a nervous wreck dealing with her as well as keeping small son occupied and well behaved. It was never a celebratory day for me.
Jodi, YES-- it feels like something highly dysfunctional like alcoholism. I just so badly wanted to end that tension. And guess what she texted back-
"You have a lot on your plate What a joke!
Don't worry about it, I'll live"
I looked at her text and just started laughing like some crazed person. How many freaking times do I have to get burned before I just STOP this insane dance? So I didn't respond. Going forward I will definitely be limiting my time. No more multiple dinners per week. My mom will get bored and lonely and that will cause acting out and bad mouthing me. I'm just going to do my best to ignore it all.
Hellbore, it IS mental illness. I don't take my mom's opinion personally on a conscious level. I know she is very damaged. But I still react to her because unfortunately she raised me and it's that primal subconscious stuff. It's PTSD.
I just hope for all of us that those scars we carry will fade in time. That we can ignore them when we need to for our own sanity and mental health.
Hellbore I can't get her out of here until she is deemed incompetent by a judge, or she decides to leave herself. Both of those things seem so out of reach at the moment. I just have to protect myself with boundaries.
Chris- yes we have Mother's Day in the US. It's in May. I feel the same as you. I feel ill reading all the cards- In fact I don't buy them. I opt for flowers or food. The whole ritual of having to "honor" this person is the ultimate gas lighting.
Elaine, you are not rambling, it's good to vent and get things out. This forum IS a safety net, and I value all of you so much. Lea I hope you & DH don't have covid, please keep us posted on your results. You have a ton going on right now! When will your step daughter be in town? You and DH should take a vacation. A nice long one. We ALL need a vacation!
Jodi, if you think your having symptoms of the colon cancer then please get checked out ASAP. You must put your health first. Do you get blood work to monitor cea levels? I hope you hear from your aunt soon, let NM go to voicemail, and I hope you got some good rest.
I’m home now and have internet. First Lealonnie I am so sorry for what you are going through. Praying that you don’t have Covid. I am so sorry for everything you are going through with DH and your mom.
I totally relate to what we though was NORMAL with our mothers. I always tried to rationalize it.
On my parents 25th wedding anniversary, I was 12 and asked my best friends mom if she could bake a cake for my parents anniversary. She said sure. My friend and I sat down and watched her make this beautiful white cake. When it was all done I was so excited to give it to my parents. I walked home with the cake(my friend’s house was in my backyard, next street over) I went inside with the cake and my parents were arguing. I set the cake down to show my mother. She started screaming because she was mad at my father about something, and she picked up the cake and through it out in the garage and went all over the garage floor. I was so upset but I never told my friend. I didn’t want to hurt her mother who went through all that trouble.
When I was 17 and my brother and sister-in-law came home for a visit with their new baby, my mother was screaming about my father and she took the mattress off my brother and sister-in-laws bed and threw it down the stairs. My brother and sister-in-law and I were down at the bottom of the stairs and watched in horror. My brother was crying. I just stood there dumbfounded. Again, I somehow would normalize this. I knew it was wrong because I didn’t tell anyone about it. So I can relate to you lealonnie. But you were smart enough to know at a young age that this was wrong!! I didn’t figure it out. I just kept justifying her behavior in my mind.
I hope this post goes through. I don’t want to have to rewrite this again. But know that you are not alone with our crazy mothers!!! It helps me to write it out to all of you because when I see it spelled out in front of me, there is no justifying it. It’s clearly mental illness. Her brain was broken. It was broken all along.
Yet somehow, she lived to be 96 years old and deemed competent and lived on her own. How does that even make sense?
Sorry for the rambling. I’m overtired and need to go to bed. I just got home from work. This forum is my safety net. I’m so thankful for this forum and to all of you. Love to you all.
We know it's bad for our health, yet we keep getting sucked in.
We want so badly to break the cycle, and we feel so guilty if we give in.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
The strength to change what I can,.
And the wisdom to except what I can't. (Pardon my paraphrasing)
I've had a rough few days!
I can't get my Aunt on the phone and I can't get my Mom off the phone!
I am completely worried about my health. It's been almost a year since my colon cancer diagnosis and I am having some symptoms again.
The thing that hits me the most is that I am more concerned about who is gonna take care of my Aunt if I'm not here! I honestly don't give a rats a$$ what my Mom will do! Let my brothers figure it out!!
I apologize for being Debbie downer, but tonight I am just tired!
Tired of caring for one who doesn't even remember I call and tired of caring for one who (without dementia) doesn't remember how hard I work to make her happy!!
We have to wake up every morning and make a choice!
Do we choose to be our own person or someone's whipping boy?
It may vary from day to day, but every day we choose NO, is a VICTORY!!
Choices are completely individual!
I celebrate every day all of you choose to ignore the guilt and feel comfortable with your decision!!
Let's choose VICTORY!!!😘
EP getting away for a couple weeks would be glorious. Can I come?
Got a text from my hairdresser yesterday that she's positive for Covid. And I sat in her chair for 2 hrs last Thursday. Both of us were masked, of course. Sigh. As if we don't already have enough on our plates as it is? DH and I went for our nasal swab test today. Results in 24 to 48 hrs. But we're expecting a huge blizzard Fri thru Sun which could drop several feet of snow, maybe up to 91" in some areas. So the results may be delayed. God give me strength.
Had a phone conference with the ED of mom's MC today. She's stopped falling since I got her shoes now that the toe wound cleared up. Btw, she's gained 14 lbs since January. What? Along with edema in her legs and feet, sounds like CHF is exacerbating but what do I know? I just can't manage all of what's going on for everybody right now. Mom sees the doctor at least once a WEEK in the MC. Sometimes twice. I have to believe if there is something bad going on, the doc will say Go To The ER which will be another crisis to deal with. I'm still on board for palliative care because what is the point of extending a 94 year old mother's life who's riddled with pain and advanced dementia? Now that she's tapering off Cymbalta the bad moods and sniping are coming back with a vengeance and the bad leg pain is coming next. There's no answer here.
Just praying for a resolution, one way or another. And no Covid for DH or me.
This thread is full of wonderful, amazing women that have incredible insight!!
It's amazing how ALL of our stories have so many similarities!!
If you need to unload, you'll find no judgement here!!
We're all in this together!!
(((Hugs)))
"Thank you for saying, “Giving birth to you didn’t give her life rights to your perpetual service.” That’s what she believes but you are so right!"
You have nothing to feel guilty over! We are programmed to feel guilty & obligated & to have some level of fear by our MOTHERS!
I am giving you some homework. Stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself and say 500 times...OK maybe not that much...just 5 times every time you use the bathroom..."I have nothing to feel guilty about. I did nothing wrong!" Just another trick that I have been doing! We have to get ourselves reprogrammed! Change our way of thinking! Hugs!!💜
NHWM,
Your very welcome! It does take time to digest everything...IT'S A LOT! I am still trying to digest it too! One step or thing at a time...one day at a time! That is all any of us can do. Hugs!!💙
Just got off a conference call with a group of which my mom and I are both members. Now I'm a little sorry I even got on because I mentioned a project involving a third party both of us know and I have the feeling Mom will call her to horn in because I've taken such a big step back. She'll think I have to talk to her if we're all part of this project. It's exhausting to have to constantly curate what information Mom has access to. But it's just how it's going to have to be going forward at least for a while, I think.
Piper, I wonder if there's anywhere you could go for a couple of weeks - just to get away from her for a while and think about how you might create some new boundaries? Though I realize you're really not in a position to do that because of the dementia. How soon might you be able to relocate Mom? Any way to hire caregivers or adult day care for someone else to help occupy some of mother's attention? I agree that you're not the entertainment committee but on the other hand it does require some degree of emotional energy to fend off someone who wants you to function as same especially when they're living next door.
I've made some progress in not taking my mother's attitudes and actions personally, because in my heart of hearts I believe she has a personality disorder. Like I keep saying I've known something was wrong for a long time, but as I was standing there realizing she'd given away $1000 of my items instead of getting rid of any of her own things (while insisting I sit on the phone for 1000s of hours listening to her whine about needing to clean out the home/move) it just hit me: This Is Not Normal.
My mother destroyed two marriages and her relationship with her other child, who has a mental disorder of his own I'm sure my mother made worse. SHE is the one with a problem, not me, even though the message I've been sent every day of my life is how worthless I am because mother's disorder makes her put herself first.
I feel sorry for her. Truly. Thank GOD I stuck to my guns and married my DH even though mother threatened to disown me - he has my back. So do my friends. Hopefully all y'all have others who can serve as something of a reality check in your own lives as well.
You have no call to feel guilty. Your mother is an adult.
You are NOT the entertainment committee.
Then last night I just started getting more annoyed. She's wrecking my entire life and I'm feeling guilty for being in a bad mood one evening? So ridiculous. It's not like I was even acting out. I was quiet. I'm so sick of the dysfunction.
So, I won't be calling today. Tired of these games.
You’re right about things happening a certain way and they seem to endure for a particular length of time.
At times I do question certain things that have happened.
I used to try to figure it all out but maybe it couldn’t have happened any other way, because I wasn’t capable of understanding exactly what was going on.
It’s difficult to see everything all at once. It takes time for it to register.
Glad I could help. It really sucks to have those thoughts swimming aimlessly around in your head and no way to quite them down or get rid of them! I pray it works for you! Hugs!💞
NHWM,
I think we all feel like fools at times. Loving and caring for someone who we thought loved and cared for us, but didn't! I still feel like a fool sometimes, but the Holy Spirit reminds me "if He wanted me to know the truth sooner He would have told me." I have a friend who tells me "it worked out the way it was supposed too!" I have to just have faith in that! You have a pure and loving heart! Hugs!💗
P.S. Remember, hindsight is always 20/20! If we knew then what we know now, we would have made different choices!
Thank you Xray!💕
Oh yes, lots of our things got put on hold while caregiving.
It’s a major concern to put off surgery though.
God knows that I tried. I can’t say that my mom was happy all the time.
In fact, she didn’t care for boundaries at all!
She liked most things done exactly as she wanted.
Caregiving wears us out, right? I get tired now but my gosh, during my caregiver days I was completely wiped out!
Haha, does anyone else remember almost falling asleep at red lights?
I started grabbing a coffee before driving to pick up my mom’s prescription at the pharmacy.
Well, I have to say that sometimes I feel like a fool because I put up with so much crap.
Right on!!😘
I once had a therapist make me write a list of all the bad things that were told to me as a child then write how it was not true! The idea of this is 1) get the thoughts out of your head & 2) to follow the thought through to the end.
Example, I had teachers tell me I was dump and stupid. Now, I ask myself is this true? No. Why? Because I got A's and B's and sometimes I wouldn't show up for school except on test days and pass the test. (I skipped school a lot)LOL!! So the statement that I am dumb or stupid holds no weight! False statement!!
Example, NM thinks I am a bad person. Now, I ask myself is this true? No. Why? Because I take care of her and do right by her! I never take anything that doesn't belong to me; therefore, I am honest! I help people when I can. So this statement is false! It holds no weight!
I don't know if this will help, but I have found it helpful in the past and I am using it now. Hugs!
Lea,
I am so very sorry that you and DH didn't get better news. I'll keep you both in my prayers.
I bet you can't wait to see your new grandson. A little bundle of joy that you deserve. And yeah, I think having three kids staying at your house with what is going on with your DH and with the nonsense of your NM might be a bit much for you right now. Hugs!!
NHWM,
I'm with Lea! You are not stupid! Like Lea said, "we do what we do or have done is out of love & compassion and that is not a bad thing." They always say, "The road to h3ll is paved with good intentions." We all had or have good intentions, it's not our fault that our NMs took advantage of us and manipulate us and we didn't see it. We turned out to be good & loving human beings dispite what our MOTHERS did to us! So really when you look at it, we win!! Sure we have battle wounds, but we still can find peace, joy, and love. Maybe not right at this moment, but it will come! And when it does it may be short lived; however, our NMs never find it, nor will they ever! Hugs!
All it takes for me to be in a sour mood is to see my NM calling or even seeing her face! She has a constant scowl that makes me cringe! It sounds awful to say it but it's true!
Keep working on the boundaries!
Do you have a therapist?
Lea,
Your hubby is going to need peace and calm!
You're right to end the chaos!
My cancer Dr has told me that stress is the worst thing for me.
That's kind of a joke in my current situation! Lol
Sending prayers to ALL of you!😘