Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
My grandson was born at 9:26am, 7lbs 15 oz 21" long healthy, Benjamin is his name! Red hair and smiling, so sweet I could eat him up. Such a bright spot in a troubled time, DH and I are thrilled.
I also agree with Shell that you need to stop jumping through hoops for your mother. You need to take care of YOU. Also, with your DH cancer he needs you. You can’t take care of anyone unless you take care of yourself.
What would happen if your mother didn’t have anyone to look after her? What if she had no siblings or children? Wouldn’t someone in the nursing home take care of her needs? Wouldn’t someone in the nursing home get her a pair of shoes?
All I’m saying is if you weren’t there for her, someone from the nursing home would get her the shoes.
Please take care of you and don’t get burnt out!!
Hugs and prayers to you. We all care!!
Anxious to hear about your new grandchild.
I know he didn’t help me with my mother but I never blamed him for it. He was in a healthy place and made a decision not to do any caregiving. He always told me to back off from her because of her severe mental illness. She always had mental illness but got so much worse after age 90.
But yes, I am so lucky to have my brother. I’ll always be there for him too. He lost his own son at age 21 in an automobile accident. He died instantly. We have to be there for each other.
Forget the bras. My mother hadn’t worn one in YEARS. She always layered her clothes anyway. She had no boobs left, lol.
Try going on Amazon for shoes or sneakers. You can order up to 7 at a time. All different shapes and sizes. Then just keep what fits and return the rest. Amazon makes it so easy.
The other day I returned something back to Amazon and I didn’t even have to package it up. The UPS store did it for free!!
Please Dont run yourself ragged. Start taking care of YOU. Hugs to you!!
I know that you understand about crappy brothers!
Many of us have crappy siblings.
Elaine, you are so blessed to have a wonderful brother. So happy for you!
I am so sorry for your husband’s cancer. It’s so upsetting to hear this. I will pray for both of you. I will pray for all of you.
Congrats on the upcoming grandchild. That’s so exciting!
Life has it’s challenging moments and many beautiful blessings. I am going to hope for the very best in your lives.
The shoe thing for my mom became a real pain in the a**!
Same for socks! She needed the men’s size. Mom’s PT and OT said to buy the ones that had those gripping bottoms.
How can a tiny little mom like mine wear a size 12 (wide) women’s shoe?
Her feet were so swollen! When she was younger she wore a size 9. The. It went to 10, 11 and eventually 12.
Try and find that size anywhere. It’s near impossible! I ended up in Walmart buying an 11 men’s shoe.
Oh. when we went with my daughter to my brother’s house so she could tell my mom goodbye before moving to Denver, guess what mom had on her feet? NOTHING! No shoes! Barefoot!
She would have had me running all over creation for shoes but she would never put her precious son out.
Clothes just hang because she is barely over 100 lbs. She was in pajamas when we were at my brothers, which was a huge change. She was always a fashionista! I think PJ’s are more practical, so good for her.
She isn’t going to ask my brother to do anything extra for her, nor my sister in law. She works full time.
It’s always, I can’t bother my son. He’s retired!
She has always felt that men were more important than women.
She never called them at work ever! She never hesitated to call me at my job.
She even called me at work to tell me that my grandmother had died.
I was terribly close to my grandmother and it was horrible to get that call at work.
I don’t know what it is with our moms. It’s like they don’t think or don’t care.
I would like to think it’s because they didn’t realize but I don’t completely believe that. It was too many times to be an off day. Sure, we all have ‘off’ days but if something happens consistently, it isn’t them having a ‘bad’ day.
I have daughters so I don’t have experience with sons but I can’t imagine treating them differently than my daughters like my mom did. I know that my mom isn’t alone in this sexist behavior. I have heard others express similar experiences to mine. It’s sad.
It’s awful that I don’t have a relationship with my brothers but so be it. My mom stirred the pot so much that any chance of a healthy sibling relationship was doomed! I am not letting my brothers off the hook either because trust me, they contributed to the dysfunctional relationship.
Sorry for the long rant. It still gets to me from time to time.
Overall, I work really hard at not dwelling or focusing on the past.
Every now and then the ugly memories come to the forefront again.
It will always hurt, I suppose but, I do know that I don’t need their approval for anything anymore, thanks to the support of this forum, my husband and daughters and a great therapist!
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for the prayers & hugs.
The good news is my daughter in law is in active labor NOW, having my first biological grandson, ON MY SON'S BIRTHDAY which is today! He should be here any time!
The bad news is my DH was diagnosed with liver cancer yesterday. He also has non alcoholic cirrhosis which complicates the treatment situation so we're in for a long haul here. Brand new into retirement and now THIS. Just turned 63. The doctor said he has several options, but we have to see the surgeon first, and the Heptologist is working on finding out WHY he has cirrhosis to begin with (autoimmune disease? hepatitis?) Odd thing is, that dx did not make it into his chart which is unheard of.......had it been in his chart to begin with, the triple bypass surgery in Oct would NOT HAVE HAPPENED and he would have died as a result. Kind of makes me believe that wasn't a 'coincidence' and God kept him alive for a reason and that the liver cancer (small tumor 2.1 cm now) isn't going to kill him EITHER. Send prayers please.
So much has happened since Saturday. And tonight I really read your heading and never answer the question because I didn't know the answer--for me!
If asked this question two or three years ago I would have answered it that care for my NM "out of love" and I would have been wrong! Because of what happened Saturday and continue to happen. All these days to think about my answer is "out of being program!"
What I thought I was doing out of love...out of my own choice was pure programming! I see the truth for what it really is!😣
I have nothing left to give to this woman who I called Mother. And nothing left to give to anyone else. I feel that I am in survival mode. I Must keep what I have for myself if I am going to survive this!
I am just so sorry that you are going through all this crap. It seems to me that your NM wants to blame EVERYTHING on making her fall except the real reason! That her legs don't work because of the neuropathy. And yes, if her feet are swollen could be CHF and it also could be her kidneys.
I'm still not sure why she need shoes because she is in a wheelchair and falls no matter what you or anyone else does. But you know this! Is it possible that she falls to get some attention? I'm not saying all the falls are done for attention but maybe some of them! We know these women need lots of attention. Just a thought!!
I wish I had some words that could make things better for you.
May God give you wisdom and understanding (for what is truly going on with your NM, & how to handle it) and most of all peace and His mercy to see you through this. You have His strength and just know this. He is with you! In Jesus name I pray. Amen
Maybe it is time for to stop jumping through hoops and let the chips fall where they may...as hard as that is sometimes that is all we can do!
Please take care of yourself & do something just for you. You deserve it!!💗
Sending you a loving & warm hugs!💗
I named my Sis The Princess when she got like that.
Bought loads of new nightwear (cos she didn't pack any & old ones looked tatty & small). Previous pants blamed for falling off the bed so non-slippery cotton only & stretch tops to make it easier. And sizing! I don't need THAT size. Well... yeah you kind of do...
Just one thankyou may have been nice...
I suppose it must be so frustrating not to be able to go choose for yourself.
When I get old.. I think I may live in big floppy colourful mu-mus (is that the name?). Those big bewelled resort wear dresses. I can pretend I am on a cruise. But I will need to move into the tropics as sadly my go-to is loungewear fleece 😭.
I’m actually done with my caregiver days but I did way more than my share! 20 years, 15 in my home. I honestly don’t know how I survived!
Mom is now under hospice care at my brother’s home.
I call her on the phone. She can barely hear though.
I feel for you. The drama never ends. We could all write a book!
It really is almost impossible to please them.
The sports bras sound like a great solution!
I wanted to try those for my mom but I couldn’t because of a shoulder issue. Mom can’t lift her arm up that high.
Plus, her Parkinson’s disease. Her mobility issues will continue to progress.
Pants? Geeeez! Your mom has lots of issues with clothing!
I don’t blame you one bit for turning your phone off. She can leave a voicemail.
Send....thanx for the info. Can't order shoes online bc IDK what size will fit The Queen. Just socks and stuff
God bless you both for all that you do!!
Sometimes I think that we go into this thinking it won't be forever, but then the years start adding up and we can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel!
You both (and many others) have been my touch stone!!
From my heart "Thank You "!!
Brand names.
My mom has terrible edema. The only place that I could buy shoes for her was Walmart.
I had to go in the men’s section but I couldn’t dare tell her that they were men’s shoes because she would have never worn them.
So sorry that you had a rough day. It is exhausting!
Oh my gosh, don’t even mention compression stockings!!! Those were a living nightmare all around!
What about bras? Geeeeez! My mom had no boobs. She is so thin! So buying a bra is difficult too.
Everything is difficult, right?
She complained that I didn’t buy the exact shade of face powder or lipstick, yada, yada, yada...
My mother is such a perfectionist! Just once, only once, I would have liked to hear, ‘It’s fine, honey. I know that you tried your best to please me.’
Do you think that was wishful thinking on my part? Don’t answer that! 😂
Oh well...thank goodness, my caregiver days have ended.
Now my brother and hospice are doing it.
They will never deal with it as long as I did! 20 years, 15 in my home.
I don’t know how I survived!
I know that you have been through the mill with your mom. You haven’t been in the best of health yourself.
I never dreamed that my mom would still be living. 95 is a long time! I know that you must feel the same way.
I swear for as bad off as they are, they are still going strong. Kind of like the ‘energizer’ bunny!
Big hugs to you.
There is no body left to help her. She has chased everybody away. We never went to church and she refuses to believe she needs help except she wants help from me time-to-time!
I have an older brother by 6 yrs. He is just like her. SERIOUSLY! They are two peas in a pod! He is an alcoholic and a junkie! He is very abusive emotionally, verbally, and physically! All he wants is my NM SS checks, this house, so he can pick through it like a leftover turkey and have my 77 yr old NM wash his clothes, cook and clean up after him and his HOMELESS buddy! So he is out of the question!!! Haven't talked to him in 2 yrs after he tried to blackmail me, which is a long story! Any hoo, He got mad at me because I laughed at him & told him to go ahead and try it then I told him to never call or come over here again! He has sent people by here calling me names when I am outdoors, or threatened me!
So no, there is no one!
Welcome!!
I didn't know when I first posted this that so many of us are dealing with caring for narcissistic parents!
You're insight is most appreciated!!
We went to counseling together and after getting past our anger and guilt, we learned to calmly say "i love you, but i have to go" and either hang up or physically leave when they started in on us. The first time we each did this we were skipping around the house and high-fiving each other - and got to enjoy "no" so much we over used it as if we were two year olds.
Long story short - we DO have pleasant conversations and relationships with our parents - and we do enjoy time together. they learned after years of our boundary enforcement. Did they like it - hell no. Did they fight us? Yes, over and over. Did they get friends and relatives to call us and chew us out? Yes - all the time. We never explained - just "good talking to you, i have to go" click. Without explaining to every friend and relative - it fizzled out. Nothing to grab onto - nothing to fight about.
It took years to get to where we are. BUT you always have to be on your guard. The NM and NF will come up with a new demand - especially as they are aging. I have said "NO" to washing windows, to cleaning apartments, to having them live with us, to donating money so they can live beyond their means. Each and every time when the Narc is ready to get into it - we disengage - we leave. Or hang up. But we are calm and polite.
It is possible to have a good relationship eventually - but you have to hold the boundaries, over and over, and be on guard for attempts to encroach. Good luck.
I've gone low contact with my Mom, however now she finds lame excuses for calling me almost everyday!
Sometimes I don't answer and then the guilt sets in.
I'm still working on my guilt issue!
It's just so doggone frustrating!!!
(((Hugs)))
In an effort to try and get Mom to stay put instead of moving into an apartment, I have been leaving messages for the Director to call me and let me know if they have a smaller room available. The monthly savings would help. This woman will not call me back!!
I honestly can't say that I blame her!! She's washed her hands of my NM! "Don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out!" UGH!!
I have to think someone would call me if there's an emergency. What's keeping me from picking up the phone just to check in, tho, is I know it'd be all about her and how miserable she is instead of anything going on with me or the fact that she gave 10 bins of my stuff to Goodwill. I guess I'll just keep milking the situation as long as I can.
still dealing: "And my mother, nag nag nag, complain complain complain, nothing is ever good enough...today she said she is 'giving up" and 'doesn't care anymore'. Ok."
Yeah, mine does stuff like this too. I'm so sorry so many of us have to deal with all their BS.