Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
I'd love to go no-contact or low, but I can't since my mom has dementia. My only resolve is that when I get the legal green light from a doctor that my mom can no longer live alone I will be placing her in a facility at lightening speed and ZERO guilt.
That being said, I think you have a good attitude, one of overcoming and succeeding despite the abuse. I hope to be there one day.
Hugs to you.
i read your vent. i totally empathize. big hug!!
these narcs make things impossible. and i agree, then they’re in our heads, and it takes time to heal/get them out of our heads. hug!!
i’ll vent too, unfortunately.
narcs want to create trouble between people too. they not only want to destroy you, they want to create problems between you and others.
today, the person screamed every 5 minutes at whatever nice, kind act i was doing; the person had asked me to do. i’m trying to get rid of more problems for the person. then i’ll back off, take a step back, focus on me.
unfortunately today another person also kind of took part. so there were 2 people saying unjustified comments.
dear exhausted,
as many have warned, there is, i believe only low/or no contact. they won’t stop.
it’s evil.
someone else wrote: narcs want to destroy their own children.
we must look at ourselves:
-how are we doing?
-are we in the best shape of our lives?
-is the narc trying to destroy our body, mind, spirit...
today i’m upset with 2 people.
dear exhausted,
we must turn this around.
we must succeed.
there must be something positive out of all this narc abuse. on second thought, there’s nothing positive about abuse.
let’s come out of this, with a fantastic life. show the narcs, they didn’t destroy us.
i wouldn’t be surprised at all, if they get really happy, every time they see our faces get sad/mad, etc.
it’s like a little victory for them.
so long as there’s contact, the abuse will continue.
how can one ever be fully happy like that?
we must find a way to succeed in our lives! hug!!
So yesterday my DH's favorite team were playing in the NFL playoffs. He's a huge football fan and was so excited for the game. I planned for food and drinks and basically we were planning to have some fun (rare event given our current life situation!). Of course my mom had to join in. God forbid we have any kind of fun by ourselves while poor mom is all alone next door so bored and nothing to do. So I agree when she invites herself over. I'm thinking we'll be focused on the game anyway.
We sat in our living room, all on three separate couches, nice spacing apart. Normally she likes to sit at our kitchen bar where the seats are close and she is right on top of me where she commands my full attention.
So the game starts, we're watching. DH and I are both excited. You guys, my NARC mother tried at least SIX different times to turn the conversation ON HER. Stupid complaints, huffs, sighs, "oh my back is KILLING ME, I hate this pillow", "I need you to check on my dentist appointment"- I look over- it's Tuesday, then I immediately go back to the game. I hear a huge SIGH. Then she starts in on something my golden child brother is doing. I DON'T CARE. I start ignoring these constant interruptions and cheer on the team with DH. Meanwhile she has a scowl on her face. Then she starts complaining she is hungry. Thankfully it is just about half-time (the time I told her we would be eating) so I get the food served. She ate and then when I went back to watching the game she announced she was leaving. Whew- GOOD!
15 minutes later she texts DH, "when is my dentist appointment again?" He tells her, then she started asking about "when is my next nail appointment" UUUGH! He just stopped texting. No, I do not think this was a memory loss issue. I think she actually fakes it sometimes for attention, and that is what she was doing texting HIM knowing full well he was watching that game.
So tired of dealing with her. For ONCE I wish she could just be even semi-pleasant to be around. But NO, she never is, never was. If she is not the center of attention, she gets mad. Actually MAD. And I mean the complete center.
I wish she would have called me after she left with her questions, because I would have told her in so many words to BUZZ OFF we are watching the game! In the past I would not have been able to do that, but these days I can.
NOT calling her today. Who knows what I will be in for Tuesday when I take her to the dentist. I hate her how narc antics from yesterday are still bugging me today. I didn't like the mood I woke up in this morning and every thought was about her. Ugh. Thanks for letting me get this out of my system.
Vent over.
How was everyone else's weekend? Anyone need to vent? Or better yet, did anyone have a good weekend they want to share?
My hubby and I watched it not too long ago! We had binge watched the series "Ratched" on Netflix, so we decided we needed to watch the movie.
You're right!! It's totally creepy!!
I hear you. It takes all kinds to make the world go round!
Some therapist are whacko and others are great!
I don’t know how old you are but I remember being freaked out by ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ movie.
Nicholson was fantastic in it! Imagine working in psychiatry back then in mental hospitals! Geeeeeez!
It's a sad truth, but our NMs are never going to change! I think I finally realized that!
It's still hard to mourn the "Mother/Daughter " relationship we've never had, but it doesn't have to define our future !(((hugs)))
NHWM,
If I was a psychiatrist, I probably wouldn't need therapy! Lol
I used to work with downs syndrome kids. Some of the most rewarding times of my life!
Ironically, a lot of people that go into the mental health field, have issues themselves.
Maybe I should have gone into mental health after all! Lol
Could you be a psychiatrist? I know that I couldn’t!
One day, a good friend told me that I should have been a psychiatrist because she was going through a rough patch after her divorce and I listened to her vent.
I laughed and told her that while I admire and appreciate their services, I could never do it myself.
I would be depressed if I had to listen to problems all day, five days a week!
I guess they learn to detach like medical doctors do. I definitely couldn’t be in any medical field!
I used to volunteer at Children’s Hospital here in New Orleans when I was a teenager but it was fun stuff!
At first it was sad seeing some of those kids who had serious medical issues but when they smiled because they beat me at shooting hoops, it was fantastic.
They were excellent athletes! They were fast in their wheelchairs! I was a competitive kid but couldn’t beat them! They spent all of their free time in the gym shooting hoops.
Sometimes my friends and I made cupcakes to bring for them to snack on.
The nurses were fantastic and loved when a group of my friends and I would visit.
Some of those kids had no one else to care about them.
That shocked me, so I asked a nurse why didn’t we ever see their parents visiting.
She said, “Some parents can’t deal with it emotionally or they have several other children that they care for and they have to work long hours.
You know, thinking of it now sort of reminds me now of adult children struggle to see their elderly parents in facilities.
In short, it says once you finally realize that you have power over your own life, the real healing begins!
Seems like a simple concept, yet so difficult to put into practice!
So I ask myself, what is the worst thing that Mom can do to me? Make me feel guilty? Well she already does that.
So what do we all have to lose by setting healthy boundaries?
What do we all have to gain by setting healthy boundaries?
Food for thought!!
As far as you 'getting better' at dealing with her BS, I feel that way myself sometimes. I'll go along for a few days feeling like "You've got this" and by the 4th day, BAM, she's got me back to ranting & raving once again, IYKWIM. We do the best we can, right? I give you a lot of credit for all you do; I could NEVER do it! I hope you can figure out how to get her moved off of your property SOON!
Happy Anniversary too!!
Chris, great news!! I think my mother is scheduled for The Jab on 1/22, if I understand things correctly. Hopefully the MC has a timely schedule set up for the SECOND jab too, so the whole mess can be properly accomplished.
A few months back when my mom was giving me the silent treatment and telling anyone who would listen how awful I was and how much she hated it here, it was 100% rooted in the fact that I would not agree that she was safe to drive. Nevermind that she was also on a DUI suspension-- oh I won't even get into that nightmare, but safe to say no way should she be driving. I did not even argue with her about it. I just would not agree with her that she was "fine to drive". Rage!!
Yesterday my DH told me he thought I was getting better at dealing with her. I said - Not really, it continues to take a huge toll on me, I'm just getting more numb to how she acts which makes it easier to enforce boundaries.
I didn't see her yesterday, because DH and I had our anniversary, and I thought NO, I'm not including her in this day. So the day before I prepared her by reminding her it was our anniversary and we'd be busy celebrating in our own way. I know she heard me, and halfway acknowledged it. But damn if she didn't try to horn her way in! She called me and invited us over for "anniversary drinks", so she did remember. I felt so pi$$ed but my approach was I laughed and said "Mother, this is a COUPLES day, not one people spend with their mother!" while still kind of laughing. So then she semi-laughed too, and said okay through what I know were gritted teeth.
So she roped us into today, by saying- Okay come over for dinner Tuesday. I'm making stew. (aka I bought stuff for you to make here)
Not- Do you want to come over? Just- Come over. I know it would seem petty to a normal person, but with these types, it just irritates me. I said yes, because as much as I'm dreading it I feel like I need to check on this opiate situation.
Lea I'm not buying her version of events one bit. I am feeling anxious/concerned about where this is going to lead. Like when the taper is over. No way she suddenly decided she didn't want these pills.
I don't know if the medical marijuana will happen or not. When she tried this a few years ago it was very low dose THC, and mainly CBD. She claimed it didn't do anything for her and she didn't like it. The prescribing doctor didn't give her anything strong. Here's the kicker- she will need that neurologist to approve it again, which will likely require her going back to that doctor who she claimed to "hate".
Like everything else with her, I just have to wait and see what she does and hope it's not a disaster.
Sometimes it seemed like she would be plotting a revenge tactic when she was faced with gray rock treatment.
It’s a tricky balance how to handle situations.
I felt like a ‘mad scientist’ trying out an experiment! LOL
Tonight she called to tell me she spent the whole entire day on Saturday in BED at the Memory Care. This is a bald faced LIE b/c I have had this discussion with the staff in the past. ALL the residents MUST be up and dressed & ready to go into the activity room BY 10 am at the absolute LATEST, o/w, it throws the staff's schedules off big time. Plus they wouldn't get to eat bkfst, etc. The only exception is for those who are on hospice. Plus, had she been in 'bed all day' she would NOT have eaten b/c they are NOT allowed to eat in their rooms, again, unless they are on hospice. There is NO WAY my mother would EVER not eat for a whole day. Esp now that they have her rationed to ONE snack bag per day which she's furious about! She's also stopped 'throwing up and throwing up and throwing up' ever since I spoke w her doc about rationing snacks!!! Anyway, I just let it go about her being 'in bed all day on Sat' b/c what's the point in telling her I know the truth? Besides, I SPOKE to her on Sat and she was fine!
Your Mom sounds just like mine!!
When I go "Grey Rock " it only pisses her off!
Nothing makes her happy! So when I "Mirror " her she may continue her rant, but at least it's not pointed at me!
My tongue is raw from biting it, however, she can't argue with me when I am basically agreeing with her. Lol
It's called 'mirroring' to give them non committal responses to their endless complaining, huh? I never knew that. I do know it's very hard for them to have a snide comeback to a comment like Gee That's Unfortunate! LOL
So glad your therapist is seeing a positive change in you already!!!
Be careful of being overly positive!
If your Mom is like mine, it will only piss her off!
Lealonnies post was so timely!
I just had the conversation today with my therapist about "mirroring ".
When NM says "I hate the food here." We say, "That must be so frustrating for you." Etc...
Don't give her any personal information, unless she asks. And even then, make it as brief as possible. When we tell our NM how we are feeling, they somehow turn it around to be about them. That only causes us more frustration!
Let us know how it goes!!
(((Hugs)))
Lea,
My therapist actually told me today that she's seeing a positive change in me already!!
It was a great decision to get a little extra help via meds.
Thanks for your support!!😘
EP........ugh to your mother getting off of opiates............there is more to THIS story than she is alluding to, as you said. Very few people make that decision voluntarily.........and your NM being a liar on a good day just makes this whole story highly suspect, esp with the probability of a clean MRI!!!!!!!!!! Just what you need.......a nasty NM with WITHDRAWAL who's even nastier and harder to deal with than ever. Substituting pot for pills is questionable.........esp for the elderly. Pot is legal here in Colo. so quite a while ago, I bought my NM some chocolate edibles to calm her chronic 'nerves' down. Well, the first couple of chocolates were good..........she seemed stoned but calm........confused (this was pre Memory Care) and slurring her words, more drunk than anything.........and she slept like a log which is unusual for her *chronic sleep problems*. Well, after the 2nd dose, the edibles were making her SO SO SO DIZZZZZZZZZZZZY and she was SO SO SO SICK to her stomach and wanting to throw up and yada yada. Pot and the elderly don't always get along. There's always the 'falling' hazard too, b/c it can make them a bit unsteady on their feet! Just wanted to give you a heads' up on my mother's less-than-fabulous experience with pot. But then again, she has less-than-fabulous experiences with EVERYTHING she puts into her mouth that is designed to help with pain/anxiety/sleep, etc.
Chris, practice using the non-committal phrases for when the NMs complain: Oh that's unfortunate. I'm sorry to hear it. I sure hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry to hear the food tastes like dog food *or pieces of sh*t on a plate, as my NM calls it* There's nothing you can do to FIX whatever the complaints are, unless they're legitimate complaints (which is another subject entirely) so just commiserate with her, which is what I do.
Shell, I have some .50 Xanax here myself that I cut in 1/2 when I'm extra anxious or can't sleep.
I did get a Tempur-Pedic Mattress Topper for my bed and WOW, what a huge difference it makes!!! I'm sleeping MUCH better and w/o most of the pain I was having, and waking up much more refreshed and not hunched over in agony!
Isn't that the truth!!
(((Hugs)))
We all need a little help every now and then. I take .25mg of Xanax to help with my anxiety and to sleep!
In truth, I am surprise we all are not alcoholics and dope heads by the damage of our NM.
You just take care of yourself in whatever why you need to.😊❤💜
At the suggestion of my hubby and my therapist, I started taking Cymbalta 4 days ago.
It wasn't so much for depression, more for stress and anxiety.
I've never been one to take meds, but I agree that I needed a little help dealing with everything.
It's nothing to be ashamed of!!
Of course she will complain when she calls, but that will be a whole lot different than complaining to your face in person and huffing around in your home. Hold the phone away from your ear and just throw in a few - Oh, well hopefully that gets better, and after you've heard enough "Oh, gotta go, my tubs about to overflow" or whatever you think of- you have so much more control now over your life, thankfully. And, you have the reassurance that she is safe and cared for where she is, she was not abandoned into the street, so it's fine for you to hang up, and visit on your terms.
If she still tries to be overbearing then there are jobs open where Lea and I work LOL.
Chris- that is so good your mom has a friend at the care facility! That can make all the difference in terms of feelings of isolation. I hope things continue to go pretty well. I also hear you on this covid -- I am SO SO sick of it! My state's roll out has been a mess, so I'm likely looking at months. Sigh. But back to you, how are you feeling in these early days? I hope you are getting lots and lots of rest. I was thinking this would be a good time for you and DH to do some nesting, do you know what I mean? Do some home projects together, no matter how small, as a way of reclaiming your space. Not in a negative way, but a positive one.
My mom was here yesterday having pizza with us, and really surprised me saying that she was going to stop going to her pain doctor. She's been on opiates since 2016. I've posted about her addiction before. She's hidden her use from family & friends and lied about it, and it caused me worry, but I also knew she wasn't able to get enough to be dangerous, and I couldn't control it anyway. There was never a legit need for daily opiates, I've known for a few years now that she uses them to manage her mood.
So, her announcement yesterday was very surprising. I just said- well you have been on them for awhile, you can't just suddenly quit. Again she surprised me by saying- I know, I'm only taking a half in the morning and half at night now.
Then she said she wanted to call the medical marijuana doctor that the neurologist here recommended to her a couple years ago. So I think she is looking for a substitution. I personally don't have a problem with MM, especially since her neurologist was on board and she will be going through a legit doctor.
My concern is that getting off the opiates is not actually her choice, but she has been told she needs to come off, by the doctor. She had an MRI a couple weeks ago ordered by the pain doctor, and keeps telling me "they lost it". Well I know that's BS. I also know her other MRI's were clear. There is nothing wrong with her back. So I suspect when this recent MRI came back the same they started realizing she didn't need the opiates. Medically, they can't justify it anymore.
I hope this goes okay for her, because she's about to lose a major mood booster that she has relied on for years now. I'm feeling anxious about it. MM isn't going to give her the same effect. I don't have experience with opiates, but I really hope this pain doctor has her on a proper taper. To make things worse my mom has always lied about her use, minimizing it. She wouldn't let me near that pain clinic. If I see any distress, I'm thinking I will have to take her to the ER.
Hopefully I'm worrying for nothing and this goes okay -- but with my mom, you never know!
My NB is cut out of my life and has been now for almost 2.5 yrs; however, he was back into my life when I moved back home for a little over a year, but we got into a fight in the kitchen and my SO kicked him out of the house and I told NB to never come back! Before I moved back home he wasn't in my life for 9 yrs. I would love to get a PPO on him, but he has to be caught breaking the law, which is why we have the Ring on the front door and 4 other cameras around the house and we have motion lights!!
His motivation is he wants my dad's tools and whatever he can get his hands on to sell for drugs.
There was no point in calling the cops about a burner number because there is nothing they can do. They can't even trace it!!! Ugh
I am very good at disappearing! I have done it in the past, plus, my NB and his friends don't know how to use technology!! LOL Making it hard for him to track me down.
The bad part is that I tried telling my parents about my NB, but they NEVER believed me. My NM didn't care and my dad really didn't believe that his son hated his daughter!!
Trust me, if I catch my NB on tape breaking the law I will nail him as far as the law will allow me!!!!
Thank you both for your support! Hugs back💕💕