Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
Welcome to the club! A club that we all wish we were not in, but we are!
Stop trying to please and/help your mom! She doesn't REALLT wants the help!! She just want you jumping from one foot to the other while you are jumping through loops!!!
I have learned so much about this in the last week or two; however, I figured out years ago that my own mother was making me do the same thing. She would make me feel guilty for not helping her, but when I tried to help or ask her what she wanted help she would tell me "oh, I'm fine!" Or "I can do it by myself!" Then turn right around and make me feel guilty! I just stopped! If she really needs help then I'll help her, but if she doesn't ask for help I sure don't bother in offering to help!
Someone told me this is the game that narcissistic mothers love to play, so stop playing. Read the posts on this thread. That is what I did and there were SO MANY similarities stories that I had to face the fact that my mother was a NM!
There are some very wise and knowledgeable people on this subject that can help you!
Lealonnie1 has posted I think it is on this thread or its in "I heard my mother talking behind my back" thread 25 signs of Narcissistic.
Your not alone! There really is to many of us with dysfunctional mothers!
Hugs!!!
Exhaustedone,
You hit the nail right on the head!
I'll be 60 in a couple of years and both parents are still living. The house is, basically, a nursing home. They are served 24/7. What you'll get from a narcissist is nothing. They are unable to give anything emotionally. They're not wired that way. Hypersensitive to criticism, never wrong, gaslighting you, criticizing you...the list is endless. What I've found is that all the compassion, empathy and caring we need has to come from ourselves. Their needs are so great, so constant, so all encompassing there is nothing left over for you.
Congratulations that you are going to a therapist!! That's a fantastic positive step in taking care of YOU. Sometimes you just need to vent and be validated for your feelings. I wish you well and hope that your journey to loving yourself is smooth and swift. You deserve it.
Wishing you and your DH godspeed as you head over to do a "window visit" - being that it's very cold and windy, hopefully you can cut the visit short.
Wow! her entire life - there are no words - I know you have some "choice" words though!!!
Good luck -
We are on our way over there now for a window visit; it's very cold and windy outside & I am bundling up like crazy. God give me strength.
Did your mom start talking that way when she got dementia or as she hit her 70's - how embarrassing for your 35-year old son! I really feel for ya - smh because it boggles my mind that there are really people like that!
It's almost 11 PM, and he's worried because Mom didn't answer her phone!
I'm so sorry, but WTF am I supposed to do about it at this point in the night??
There just aren't enough words!🤬🤬🤬
We go to one restaurant here that's owned by a New Orleans transplant.....its called NoNos Cafe. In fact, we had our engagement party there in 2008.
NobodyGetsIt.....yeah, cutesy wootesy baby talk my mother uses because she thinks it makes her look cute. She calls my son by a baby name at 35 and it's nauseating to me.
Our Covid cases have risen here, yes, but our moronic governor is going overboard with fear tactics, as usual. He had it, and so did his boyfriend who was hospitalized, but Polis was fine. COLO is #20 in the US at 300k cases since last March, yet Polis tells us 1 in 60 have it, which is obviously not true! We are not traveling either, but the fear mongering is getting to be too much for most of us.
I would welcome Italian cookies! Love cappuccino too!
My daughter has found two restaurants in Denver that the chefs are transplants from New Orleans!
She is loving the snow! She says she is getting used to driving in it.
She is having so much fun with her new dog (Siberian Husky) that she rescued.
I love all of the photos that she is sending. I put one as my avatar. He’s my sweet new grand puppy!
I am looking forward to meeting her pooch one day, after hubby’s treatments are over and it becomes safer to travel.
The former owners surrendered the dog because he chased a rabbit and ate it.
He got sick, throwing up and diarrhea. The shelter gave him meds and he’s fine now.
They said they didn’t want to pay the vet bills. Maybe they lost their jobs during Covid, who knows? My daughter couldn’t go inside the shelter due to Covid. She saw him on a Zoom meeting.
Then she drove to pick him up. They walked him out to her car.
Even if hubby didn’t have cancer, we wouldn’t travel during Covid. She says the cases have risen there.
I don't like "baby" talk unless it's coming from a "baby!"
Anyway, just as long as you steel yourself for the possibility she won't make friends and it's NOT YOUR FAULT, you'll be all set.
Glad you have joined us here! 😁
Trust me!! You're in good company here!!
And you are most definitely not alone!😊
Shell,
That's my favorite pic of Norman!
Just home from the groomer.
He may not always look so put together, but he's always adorable!! (Except when he's munching down on deer carcass) lol
Thanks for all the great advice. It lifts my spirits to know I am not the only one-and to be able to talk about it. Many of my friends mothers have passed and hubby’s family is “perfect” so they don’t understand what it is like. Thank you!!
Your doggie likes very handsome. That is a great picture!😊
Lealonnie is correct!! Stop going everyday!
The term FOG applies. Fear, Obligation, Guilt!
My NM moved from Colorado to Montana to be closer to me. She constantly complained about being in my brothers home. She felt he and his family were treating her sooo badly. Now that she's in ALF near me, I am the object of her ire!!
If you haven't already, do some research on narcissism. It may not apply to your Mom, but there are many techniques you may find helpful!
You can start slowly. Maybe only go every other day to start with. Are you paying for Covid tests once a week??
Perhaps if she doesn't see you every day, she will form relationships with others in her new home.
It's like eating an elephant. ONE BITE AT A TIME!!
You deserve to have a healthy and happy life!!
Hang in there!
(((Hugs)))
You can send me some cookies! 🍪
You have great food in LA. In Denver, a Twinkie is considered a pastry.
I love Italian cookies! Also love Italian ice cream.
We have a great local Italian bakery here, Angelo Brocato’s. It’s been around forever. Wonderful pastries and espresso.
My mom went there as a little girl to buy Italian cookies and ice cream.
It’s my daughters’ favorite bakery.
You’re a wonderful daughter to send your mom Italian cookies! Yummy!
Don't YOU die before SHE does, ok?
You cope with her 'daily grinding away at you' by not speaking to her daily. It's the only way.
I sent my mother a 2 lb box of Italian cookies from Carlo's Bakery in N.J., you know, the Cake Boss Buddy Valastro. She loves him. They were delivered to her AL yesterday. This afternoon she calls me to tell me how horribly SICK she's been all night and all day today. Oh, and by the way, some cookies were delivered to her. She guesses they're for the whole AL, she doesn't know. Or care. I said, read the note. Oh there is no note, who knows what the stupid girl did with it? There's a note mom, read it. I told her where the cookies came from, etc. It was like I had sent her a booby trap for all the enthusiasm it generated. She was way too busy complaining to be appreciative of the Christmas gift she was given. I'm glad I used HER money to pay for it.
So when she broke her foot last month I asked her if she wanted to be near me. I jumped through crazy hoops to get her in a nursing home here. I felt sorry for her, I felt I could suck up all the horrible history and abuse to care for her at the end of her life.
She has only been here a week, they are taking great care of her and her health has improved dramatically.
Mine is declining. She is in quarantine so I am going every day. I have to get a COVID test every week. She is like a crocodile -sleepy and docile looking and then she opens her mouth a rips me apart. She wants to go back to her old place and complains constantly that she can’t see her son(she previously complained that she never saw any of them). I told her if she moved here she would probably never see them again. She said “I don’t anyway.” Now she won’t shut up about it. People think she is a sweet old lady but she has no friends and her whole family hates her...
What was I thinking!? I wanted to take the burden off my brother. But I can’t sleep at night, I’m terrified that this is my life now. How do I cope with her daily grinding away at me?
My daughter is bringing her two daughters (my beautiful grandbabies) for 6 days.
Although my daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with my Mom, she understands that her Nana has been on lockdown for 10 months. She and I have agreed to be a United front!!
Not gonna lie!! The thought of all the drama is causing me stress!!
It's all good!🙃