Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Prayers are with you! Lots of great advice on this forum, so keep reading.
My mom is in AL & is truly narcissistic in so many ways. You must separate yourself from her when you can & enjoy life, your life! It took CoVid times for me to realize that my mom is fine without me. Please continue your therapy, read fun books, take walks, go to movies, cook a new meal, love others more, pray, learn a new hobby, take care of a baby, volunteer, etc. Do things for you! You're not used to it, but it'll be the best feeling you've experienced in decades. You owe it to yourself. Be nice to you. Hugs.

I take care of my mother who was not a very good mother to me for several reasons.  First and foremost, no one else will do it.  My brother won't do anything that doesn't benefit him in some way.  Secondly, I don't think I could live with myself knowing that I walked away from her without helping.  And lastly, I am taking the high road, because I am a nicer person than she is/was.  I am a better daughter than she was a mother.

I don’t do it out of love. I have no love for my mother. I do it because there is no one else, but I keep my distance and strong boundaries. I also do it because I want to show my own children how to “do the right thing” while keeping strong boundaries. And by saying I am doing the right thing it’s not out of obligation or meant to say anyone that had to completely walk away is wrong. I mean it in a way that I have some experience in healthcare and somewhat understand the system so I can easily navigate her care management. I have certainly wished that a state guardian would step in. I am lucky to have strong family support in all this otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do it. And I would NEVER let her in my house.

I take care of myself first. I have made sure she is safe and protected in an AL. I have learned to let go of guilt long ago. Therapy is good. It will give you a new perspective and help you de-program from the years of manipulation. I will not let myself be the whipping boy. Nor will I let myself be her scapegoat.

Best of luck to you and check back with us often!

Lol! I realized that I have been controlled by my 93 yr old Mother my whole life. Yet, I take care of her Royal Highness. I love her for memories of being a good Mom when I was a child. She really was. But, she just couldn't let go and let me live as an adult. She created lots of resentment in me. I think I knew this all along, but speaking to a therapist clarified it.

A continuation: As if your mother is filling this void in you, that you need to fill yourself. It is the natural progression in life.

I think when we don't know what we want, what our passion is in life, we tend to take care of others more. I find myself giving my narcissistic 82 year old mother tons of attention that she takes for granted, only because I have tons of free time and still have not found what I really want to do in life. Once you find your purpose in life, you may not have the time to take care of your mother as much as you do now. It is our free time that allows this. I feel the most important thing in life is not to drift into what others want you do for them but to find what you want to do.
If you do not know, then you will continuously feel compelled to take care of your mother without realizing you.

So glad that you are going to therapy.

I went too. I remember my therapist giving me a box of tissues because I was crying so hard.

Therapy is hard but worth it. Yes, I was drained and exhausted when I left a session but it was so nice to have an objective and nonjudgmental person to speak with and put things in perspective.

The first time my therapist pointed out that my mother was manipulative it was an eye opening realization for me.

I had been drowning in guilt feeling as if I was a complete failure as a daughter and caregiver.

Another thing he said to me was that it was okay for me to admit that my mom was a burden. I realized then that I only saw my caregiving as an obligation.

I didn’t view caregiving as a burden and it absolutely was.

This advice allowed me to gain a new perspective and no longer feel guilty about needing time for myself and my family and friends.

So I really feel like you will have an opportunity to discover a new outlook as well during your therapy sessions.

I wish you all the best life has to offer.

Being a caregiver from the age of 12 is a long time! You deserve to have time for yourself.

I think it's a bit of all you mention; we do it out of love, years of programming, guilt and obligation. I'm an only child, and all of my mother's siblings have died, leaving her the last man standing at nearly 94.

If I were to desert her, she'd literally have nobody but a couple of nieces who call her on a weekly basis; they don't visit or 'do' anything for her, they just call to say hello.

It's not in my nature to 'desert' any one of my family members ANYWAY, because I love them, my mother included...........so I do what I have to do. I love her, but I do not like her at ALL. That's what makes the 'labor of love' extremely arduous and spiked with resentment.

I believe I have been caring for my mother since I was old enough to be able to. She has always been extremely needy & dependent on others for absolutely EVERYTHING emotionally stuck at 5 years old. I think it taught me to back OFF instead of to cling harder...........so I wound up deciding to do the minimum that I felt comfortable doing for her. For my dad, I would have moved heaven and earth. And I did a few times. He was a loving/giving and decent human being who I miss terribly.

My narcissistic mother lives in Memory Care (and AL since 2014), which was Rule #1 for MY self care: there would be NO LIVING with me. Period. Narcissistic people are way way WAY too much to handle, even when they're not living inside of our homes, never mind when they ARE. That's when we totally lose our minds, our lives, and our sense of self.

So to answer your question, I don't think I'm 'selflessly' caring for my selfish mother, but I AM doing everything for her that I need TO do. If it was 'selfless', there would be no resentment involved on my part, and there is. I don't care for her 'at my own expense', but rather, as I am able. The MC does the primary caretaking of her; I do the financials, ordering of the things she needs/wants, the weekly window visits (nowadays), the daily phone calls, the doctor phone calls, hospitals, arrangements for rehabs, etc. I still get to go home alone at night and that's what saves me.

Before the plague hit, DH and I made sure to travel once a year, usually to Europe or a faraway, exotic destination, for at least 2 weeks. During that time, there was NO CONTACT at all with my mother, and it was truly a vacation. A chance to recharge MYSELF!

Once a week now, I ask DH to call my mother, and he's happy to oblige. That lets me have a 'vacation day' once a week from the complaining and carrying on I am forced to listen to the other 6 days a week.

I take her calls at MY convenience, meaning I swipe right on my phone and let them go directly to voice mail when I don't want to be bothered.

I divert ugly conversations and let her know I'll either be leaving her presence or hanging up the phone if the tone doesn't change immediately. And then I FOLLOW THROUGH with the threat of either leaving or hanging up the phone.

I always remember that I matter TOO, here. Not just her. Very often, we get caught up believing the only people that matter are the elders who need care. WE need care TOO. The statistics are ugly with regard to how many of US die before THEM, due to stress and other factors. If we don't want to be statistics, we have to find a way to nurture OURSELVES along with our loved ones who have personality disorders. Otherwise, we lose. Big time.

I am glad you are in therapy now & learning how to take care of YOU! YOU matter TOO, dear girl, and I am happy you are realizing that now! Hope the therapist gives you a whole set of tools to put in your new toolbox labeled: How To Deal With My NPD Mother!

"xrayjodib,"

If you'd like to update your profile information, click on your "avatar," on this page in the upper right hand corner and go to "settings" and click on "about me" and/or "caring for" - you can update information about your situation that way and/or the person you are caring for.

funkygrandma59,
Mom does not live with me!! Thank God!!
She moved from another state to be closer to me when I became responsible for my Aunt. Coincidence?? I think not!!
I can't figure out how to update my profile! Lol

A few weeks ago my DH went to visit his mother (alone, as I stepped out 9 months ago and 'divorced her'...I had HAD it and will never see her again. SO freeing!)

Dh was so mad at me, b/c he'd drag me with him to see her and let me take the whipping boy position while he did the minor repairs or whatever she needed while we were there. As both of them are pretty deaf, a 'visit' with neither wearing hearing aids is a joke. She asks me a ?, he doesn't hear her, I start to answer and then he butts in with a comment, she screams (literally, screams) at ME to SHUT UP while my DH is talking.

To DH, a scream is probably what normal hearing is like to people who don't have hearing issues. No excuse, just an explanation.

So--he finally garners the courage to go check on her, as guilt eats at him.

He was back in 3 hours and IN TEARS. It only took 45 years of knowing me to see that his mother has been abusive and cruel to me to the point of unbelief.

45 years I have been begging him to PAY ATTENTION and please just stick up for me ONCE. This happened the last visit. She decided to pick on me, and I guess about 2 hours of tearing me to shreds was more than he could handle. He came home just distraught. Said to me "Do you think my mom has issues?" (OMG----the moment I'd been waiting for). I pulled out 3 articles on Narc moms and the damage they can do. I'd been storing them for just such a moment.

He didn't read much---it was still a hot topic with her....she wants him to divorce me and he refused. He did say that reading the little he did was like reading about his mom! (Narcs aren't that hard to spot)

This woman is, sadly, being eaten up by dementia, and the way she 'was' is just becoming more and more intense. There's no hope for her to be 'better' as she has no desire to, and she has been this way her whole life.

The only conclusion we have come to is zero contact for some months and DH will continue with therapy (his therapist moved and he didn't follow up to find a new one).

MIL has 2 friends. My SIL and her neighbor. That's it. She calls no one. She doesn't want anyone in her home and she doesn't want anyone to come into her tiny bubble of comfort.

You cannot fix a narcissistic person, unless they decide they want to change, and MIL doesn't want. She wants me to die (actually hoped that I would die from cancer last year) and was SO disappointed that I am in remission. When told I had 'cured' she said "well, but this kind always comes back".

The people you work on are the LO's, if they have any. She is 90, next week and I am NOT buying her either a birthday gift nor a Christmas gift. Last Christmas she gave me an empty envelope, when all the adults got a $100 bill. To have simply been forgotten would have hurt less. I don't need the money, but it was incredibly embarrassing.

MIL does not know, but might figure it out--that EVERY SINGLE gift, bouquet of flowers or nice card has come FROM ME, not DH. He has not bought her a single gift in 45 years. I have done it all.

Walking away from her has been freeing. She'll live forever, but since the blowup she has changed her will to exclude us. Fine.

I want my DH to find some peace in his life.

Programming.

Here is my opinion- Guilt and programming 100%, and a desire to be loved by that parent.

I went to therapy, like you are doing. I think it was a good thing and I hope your therapist helps you to work through some difficult emotions.

Self care is very important, and is a work in progress for me at the moment, but no doubt it is important so take good care of yourself. And boundaries, which your therapist will talk about I'm sure! Boundaries are essential with these narcissistic emotional vampires!

I think it’s a good possibility about resentment, in fact I can’t imagine not having some or a lot of resentment at being in a role of caring for others since such a young age.

Just a thought for now something to think over, but perhaps this is the time to begin shifting the focus of care and love towards yourself. If she’s a narcissist in the true sense of the word meaning unable to care about others needs, manipulative, mean spirited, attention seeking etc is not only bad for you physically but mentally as well. Narcissists can literally rob you of your health among other things. You said you’ve been acting as a caretaker for your family in one way or other since you were 12! My heart goes out to you, that’s a lifetime caring for others instead of you. I think a healthy place to start is talking to the counselor about reclaiming the rights to your own life, rather than making the focus caring for others, and practicing healthy self care. You can start small, treat yourself to a cup of your favorite hot tea ( or whatever you enjoy) take a nice walk, call a friend, watch a movie, make a list of things just for you and literally schedule in to make sure you are taking time each day solely to focus on taking care of you, you deserve it, let us know how your doing.

I am no expert on living with or caring for a narcissistic person, but from what I am reading of what you have written above, you have been some sort of "caregiver" for everyone in your family since you were 12. So it was a learned or "programmed" behaviour from early on, and yet you say that your caring for your narcissistic mom is a "labor of love." Perhaps some of that is true, however as you get deeper into your therapy, I am guessing you will discover that it really is guilt that is guiding your decisions to care for her.

Do you live with your mom? You profile doesn't state anything about you caring for your mom, only your aunt in another state. And what is going on with your mom that she needs you to care for her?

You said that "we need to love ourselves", and that is so true. However in some cases that might just mean removing ourselves from the negative and unhealthy people in our lives, so we can truly heal and grow into the people God intended us to be.

Please take care of yourself, before you take care of anyone else. God bless you.

There’s an entirely different set of circumstances going on in our family but “years of guilt and programming” definitely apply. I have an undiagnosed, but clearly not mentally well sibling. I have no memory of him being well or happy, and many memories of him causing disruption and drama in our family. As an adult, I’ve learned to use boundaries to deal with the situation and have distanced myself in many ways while maintaining a basically cordial relationship. But I’m watching one of his adult children constantly trying to appease, make it better, cajole, cave in, work harder and more to win approval. The years of guilt and programming are in full force. And nothing done is ever good enough. I’m glad you’re seeking therapy to figure all this out and hope you find helpful, applicable solutions that will be useful in moving forward. I wish you peace

Jodi,
At a loss for an answer right now.

But I do want to acknowledge there was someone up late enough to read your question.

I think that I have a question for you.
If your caregiving is a labor of love, (and I believe you), does it also build resentment in you?

Have a piece of chocolate cake (my avatar), and get back to us later.
Get enough rest tonight. 🍩