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Just reading the question in the forum about the CG who's MIL said "I hope you know how much I appreciate what you do for me", and it dawned on me that a comment like that really irritates me (as I said on that post).


Another phrase: "I don't know what I would do without you." (Variation: I don't know what so-and-so would do without you). It took me a while to understand why that particular phrase just pisses me off. And then it dawned on me: I know the place from which it's said, but really? So it has never even occurred to you that there might come a day when I can't or won't be your caregiver anymore, for whatever reason? It hasn't even crossed your mind that one day I might not be around to do it? No idea of a back-up plan? So really, you're just taking for granted that I will be your caregiver until such a time that you pass away?
Again, I get where the statement is coming from, but it sets my teeth on edge every time I hear it.


What about the rest of you? Any phrases that make you want to throw something breakable against the wall in irritation?

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What do you do all day?
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Before I became a caregiver I worked.
I'm not sure if that's a legitimate question or just your way of being snarky.
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So sorry you misunderstood the phrase. Some people asked me that question, and it gets my blood boiling, not meant for you, notgoodenough. I should have explained better. I reposted for clarification.
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Claification: One phrase I dislike, people asking me is, what do you do all day. It does make my blood boil.
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One comment I dislike is "You're lucky you have time to tend to so-and-so."

Really?  I'm lucky that I have time?  There are actually any multitude of things I could be doing instead!
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Oh Carp, earlybird, total brain fart!! I'm so sorry!!
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Dear notgoodenough,

Goes something like this when I say I'm a caregiver and my mom is now in a facility: "You're not a caregiver, you pay for all kinds of people to take care of her - it's not like she's with you 24/7."

I handle all of her bills and other finances - put a good chunk into a money market when the rates were good so that it could earn some extra money; I get all kinds of mail that I have to go through and I have a big box of files to prove it; took her to appointments prior to the pandemic; bought her basic necessities such a toilet paper, kleenex, toothpaste/brushes, soap, clothing etc., went through a huge lengthy process to submit past claims for reimbursement that was worth over $7,000; bring to the facility some protein drinks and some foods that were soft and easy to swallow since she wasn't eating; field calls from the facility and hospice whenever there's a problem and let's not forget how many issues I've had to deal with in term of staff at these facilities over the past five years. That's just to name a few as the list goes on and on and is never ending!
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My brother used to say to me 'you don"'t do anything all day, you should be cleaning the house.' Needless to say, I do not allow him over anymore.
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"So-and-so looks so sad.  YOU need to be her cheerleader!!"  I need to be someone else's cheerleader?  Sorry, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, going to doctor's appts, fielding phone calls, dealing with incoming mail, handling finances, cleaning up urine/feces, providing wound care, doing laundry, coordinating various professionals to come to the house and being there when they arrive, etc.    I was at the end of my rope!  I'll get to my cheerleading responsibilities right away...
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A: How are you doing?
Me: Not too bad, thanks.
A: That’s what I like to hear!
(MeThinks: Yes I know that, that’s why I don’t tell you how I am doing)
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How about "Don't forget to take care of yourself in the midst of all that you're doing for LO."

And then that statement is followed by:

"Did you get ______ done yet? We are all depending on you."
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Any sort of "advice" that starts with "What you have to understand...". Especially from someone who is not/has never been a CG.
The cheerleader one would piss me off too. Just like when people tell me to "Smile!" Maybe I'm just not in a smiling mood.
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That's a good one. "What you have to understand is, older people like things done this way: _____, _____, and _____."

Yeah, sure thing. I'll get right on that and revisit my methods such that everyone else likes it. May or may not even BE what elder wants - it's what the person suggesting it wants to see.
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Another one is ‘that’s just for your own convenience’. No idea that ‘convenient for you’ means ‘works better for both of you’.
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When someone says "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" . That pisses me off. It's like saying "What a great thing that this has happened to you"
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Another similar one is ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’. Perhaps I was strong to start with, but the stress of various problems has done me and my health no good at all.
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The one that use to get my dander up was "your parents took care of you when you were a child".

Ok, true statement..... BUT.... my 90+ year old parents weren't in their 60's when I was a child.
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The guilt trip “you don’t *have* to help me”, or “you don’t have to be here.”

Uh, yes I do, because you have no other family or friends.
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This isn't really a quotable comment, but one thing that irritated me was a neighbor who stopped by several times to ask for updates. It annoyed me because I really didn't have time to give him the detail he wanted, but he seemed like a nice man. Then he started asking questions about LO's house and whether LO would be staying there. When LO went to NH, I told him so because he was still asking for updates. Then he wanted to talk money and expressed disgust at the price I got for the LO's house. I hate to think that neighbor was only worried about his own property values through this, but I am certainly wondering.
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"It is what it is." That statement is used everywhere these days to admit helplessness, despite the things one *can* do. So that phrase is my number one peeve, but commenters on AgingCare who say caregiving is a "choice" are a close second.
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Best one, if you need anything, I’m here for you, but they never call again. My husband is 58 with Alzheimer’s, has had it for at least 5 years now. Used to have lots of friends, haven’t heard from them since Covid started.
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I'll agree with the I appreciate what you do for me. My grandma tells me that so much and I honestly don't believe anything she tells me (what she'd like is someone be her servant 24/7) I'm sure I haven't updated my info. I don't care for her but especially covid we're (my parents) are doing her shopping but I still do little things if I'm over (next door) like change her bird feeder, fill her water bottle box, ect. A few years ago we were discussing whatever and next thing I know she's telling me I'm not the granddaughter she wanted (only girl of my cousins) She wanted a granddaughter who is a carbon copy of her (dolls definitely, dresses I know for sure both of which I at 28 still can't stand) She was tested and they said she doesn't have Dementia. I'm positive she does but regardless she's always been all about her. My mom took care of her dad every night over their house before he died 5 years ago and I still remember her telling my dad one night (mom was taking care of my granddaddy) that I wish she (my mom) would stop doing nothing. I'm sure I intruded on here but I guess I feel I have to explain entirely. And my grandma has only gotten worse but now it's spread from me n my mom to including my dad and my brother (my dad will fix or look at something for her and my brother I know cuts the grass along a pond on our property and I'm sure something else I don't know but she complains about EVERYTHING! So I know she doesn't appreciate it.
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I have to take issue with this. I can see where you might get annoyed if you hear this over and over but don't forget that as loved ones get older and an even small amount of dementia sets in, often what might seem the comment is casual to you, it is really genuine to them. Ofter, they realize they owe a lot to you for caring them and that is the way they have to show it. While you could stick them into a nursing home and maybe visit them monthly, you show them an amount of love and car that they appreciate and this is the only way they have to express it. Just my two cents.
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"I don't need a helper or a nurse, I just need you to visit more."

If I had a dollar for everytime my parents said that...I could retire.

Yea sure I just visit more....because as your adult child; I apparently don't have any life ambitions of my own right ?
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Ran into a friend of mine at the grocery store when she asked how my dad was doing, who was in a nursing home. After telling her she said, at least he doesn’t live with you (which was true) but the WAY she said it set my teeth on edge as though I had it easy. I said "it's STILL hard, Jane!" Pissed me off...she was never empathetic to my situation. People think because a parent is in a facility you don’t do anything. I agree with Nobodygetsit!!
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If you really take these thanks, not as thanks, but as unconscious blackmail ending in making you feel guilty for not liking the job and feeling stuck into going on at your expense, it means only one thing : you are near burn out. I hope you can find solutions to help with your load.
What pisses me off : a woman whom I told that I wasn't very available because caregiving (I was just explaining things, not complaining), immediately said I had to put my mother in a facility (so that I could go on shopping with her). Her feeling bored and lonely was much more important than my mother's health or than what I wanted to do. Loneliness is so hard that it can make you quite reckless.
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I’ve picked up on resentment in these posts. Did you feel the same about caring for your children? How is it different? I got sick of hearing “ You’re brothers can’t do these things for your parents. It’s a girls job.” Really?
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These are comments from other people.

1. You are such a good daughter.
2. Been there. Done that. (I personally know that’s not true)
3. I did that for my parents when they were alive. I’m glad that’s over.
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For me the she’s so lucky to have you along with this is precious time with her. It also drives me crazy when people tell you the most obvious things you should try to do when’s there’s an issue. I’ve been doing this for 7 years so not my first day. I know in my heart people mean well but when you’re exhausted all you really want is a break.
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I live with my mom and she now requires 24/7 care. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. Sister lives three houses down. She is very helpful. But the boys and their wives say, “call if you need any help”. I believe people have their own lives. So they should come over when they are available and see what needs to be done or give me a break to go to the grocery store, clean a bathroom etc. By the time I call arrange a day good for them, I’m done with my need.
Actions show a desire to be apart of the aging process for our families.

“annoying phrase”
Call if you need help
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