Caring for a narcissistic mother, need advice on how to cope.

What a gorgeous dog photo (2 dogs?) in OncehatedDIL post!

I believe there are two separate sides, and that separating them, can help us caregivers, by helping us stop trying to convince the elder person, even when they are wrong. It helped me SO much when someone taught me that a break can help me and the other person. Even a 10 minute break - if I have a good book, and can just jump into it - or any other positive or neutral, relaxing task of my own. And taking a break is what I need - no matter what the other person is saying, no matter how nasty - and I don't have to defend myself or anything, just say, "OK, good, hold that thought - I'll be back soon!" "Or, I'll be back when you are acting nicer." That validates the person, lets them know you see their words as temporary, and it also says, "Love ya, bye, back soon!" I have found that putting in the "love ya" part, as often as possible, adds a small bit of softness - it is sad when anyone has been abused, and I have been also. But in my own fear and defensiveness, I can steel myself up against people - and it is justified - I am not trying to guilt trip anyone. But it sometimes makes things harder on me, for trying to always talk everything out, or win, or not take breaks, is just not a decent way to live. Caregivers have major challenges, and it is to our tribute that we try day after day to meet them. But when someone is old, they cannot take in new lessons, or even any changes in routines! That's the nature of being slowed down. So, if we try starting anew, (often that memory loss works in our favor, and when we arrive, adding in some smiles - not overdoing it - sometimes a hug or just acting glad to be there doing this difficult task, that is after all, a really important one, trying to keep things going smoothly for someone who is declining and heading towards dying - instead of remembering all they did in the past - it's a way to help them now, and make one's days more friendly - not overdoing it or underdoing it!

mleigh, I had the same thought when I read the "she really loves you" sentence. I have always disliked it when people tell abused children that the abuser "loves them". What a good way to confuse a kid.

I would just like to point out that unless you've actually lived with a narcissist you can't possibly know what it's really like....to say to someone "she really loves you" discounts what the victim is feeling...it has nothing to do with getting old...that's a whole other problem...a narcissist is incapable of loving anyone and all you can do to save yourself is accept that fact and finally realize that it really isn't you and you can not change another person...

Hi debca1 - My mom cannot see that well either. We found out through her eye doctor about the state having reading for the blind. She is not blind but she is close. The state library has this machine that we got for her. They send her tapes that we can listen to together or she can listen to them by herself. You can get all kind of categories to choose from too. ie romance, adventure western whatever you want. My mom enjoys them and the readers are great. The machine we have now has a battery inside so you can take it with you anywhere. I just thought I would pass it on and it does not cost anything. Take care.

However, the carer's world becomes smaller and smaller and smaller, lonlier and lonlier until we find ourselves living like we are old men and women before our time. I say compassion is needed for the carer for what they endure, we can vent it helps, let us vent without guilt here.

...continued from above. (accidently hit enter). Anyway, she used to be an avid reader, now can't see to read. In the past 10 years, she has lost her husband, her only son, and many of her friends, and those are only a few examples of the losses she has endured, mostly with grace and dignity. As people age, our world gets smaller and smaller and sometimes very lonely. I know my mother hates depending on me so much, she would much rather be doing everything her self. My mother took care of my grandparents for about 4 years during the last part of their lives. She has said several times during the past months that she now knows how they felt as the world as they knew it slipped away, and wishes she had more compassion and patience at the time. I don't mean to lecture, but I guess I am saying, have patience, for all too soon they may not be around, and we are all going to be there some day, and can only hope that we will have someone to care for and love us, even if we are not so loveable.

I understand completely what you are saying. I am a recently new caregiver, don't live with my mother who is a widow, but live several doors down the street. She has degenerative spine disease, scoliosis, and seems to be developing more health problems rapidly. Lately it's been constipation as a side effect from strong pain medication, and its been an obsession, it seems our conversations all come back to her health problems, and there is only the 2 of us. Its hard to have patience. But, I think back at all my childhood diseases, and how this same person who I am now taking care of held my head and hand when I was throwing up, or cleaned up the mess when horrible stuff came out the other end, how she comforted me when I was frightened sometimes staying up all night with me. I look at my mother's face when she is not feeling well when some new hurt has come along, and see fear there. I also remember how much this woman has lost in the last several years. She used to walk several miles a day, now she has trouble and gets tired walking around her house with a walker. S

I agree with everyone. I just wanted to say that my Mom is like this, too. I live 1500 miles away and intend to stay here.

Basically, it's hard to pay respect to someone you feel does not respect you, or did not respect you as a child/adult, even your own parents. But I can tell you for a fact, that raising yourself to a level above that parent by being their caregiver does for a fact put you above it all, all the bs of the past. Yes, you may see Mom or Dad laughing with a sibling who shows up only occasionally with material junk, having a great time, I've even been treated like a maid at times myself, but in the end, their behavior is fake, where yours is not. Yours is sincere I would hope, and that is truly what matters. It doesn't matter what your politics or religion or no religion is, that you do what you do because you know it's right and you are sincere about what you do in the end makes your heart golden. I cannot count, including my own family, where the favored child tucks tail and runs when the parents get sick, and the "problem child" steps up. That would be me. Hugs to all of us problem children, the irony right.

Your mother loves you. She's confused at times and afraid. Imagine how you would feel and likely will feel at this point in your life. She wants to be remembered likely for whatever she's accomplished in her life, she wants to be remembered and respected, this is why seniors talk so much about themselves and their life. My Dad repeats parts of his life to me over and over, times and places he misses, people he's proud of and was proud of at the time. Things he's accomplished, sometimes he even thinks I knew the same people, I don't, I wasn't born yet. I listen, throw in a question now and then to make him feel better and then go about my business, cleaning the house, etc... Not saying it's easy, I know it's not, but it won't last forever either. Hugs to you.

Oh what a comfort to read all these "I know what you mean postings". My mother always had a nasty streak, but very few people saw it. I was one of the blessed ones who got to see it from time to time. My sister, sometimes... her friends? Never. My brother, who is a minister? Never. The first time he saw it was when she was still in nursing home recovering from accident and she didn't want to do her exercises. She became nasty with the therapists. My brother, bless his heart, said, "do you think it's the medication?" All I could do was laugh and say to him, ""well, it may be part of why she's acting this way, but this is who she is, I've seen that part of her on more than one occasion, welcome to my world!" And I've seen happen, what someone else posted about in another thread... where she's perfectly sane and normal when she's around certain people, but then all hell breaks lose around the house. It doesn't matter how much she loves you, it's not going to matter now, with regards to her words and actions. I remember when my aunt became mean when dementia set in... my mother said that was the real her, that other people didn't see that part of her, but she knew it was there... so, what is real and what isn't... are we just playing silly games all our lives, pretending to be this or that, with a false persona? I read that the part of the brain that acts as a sort of social restraint mechanism of sorts (guides them in how to act socially, what is proper to say or do in public, etc... or not say or do, to be more precise) becomes impaired. My mother, who was and still is, riddled with low self-esteem, therefore it pumps her up a bit to be seen as just a really great person by those whom she regards in that same way. So, naturally, they don't see the ugly side. The down side is that the low self esteem has always remained, deeply embedded, because she's never really dealt with it, or the falsehoods that became only surface reflections of maintaining her social status. So, she and my brother ~ who is not gonna be nobody's slave, yep, he actually said that ~ maintain a great relationship, because she's always on her best behavior, and he showers her with hugs and kisses and sunshine and flowers, when he comes around. When my sister comes around, same thing... they always had a great relationship, anyway, she had money to throw around, so when she came to town they went off on shopping sprees, and she always spent money on mother, still does. I'm glad she has those things, still, with them. My sister doesn't come around as much, but she offers support in the ways that she can.

I was always the one she regarded as the misguided one... not caring about the social nuances, preferring a different political affiliation than the one I was guided with, and even choosing a different spiritual expression, than the religion I grew up in (omg! I might go to hell for that?) ... you get the picture. Not really judged by my own merit, but by what I am not... conversations about me usually end in "well, but, she has a good heart" ... as if that doesn't count for assessment. With that said, it can be hell on some days, when she's in a mood. Trying to deal with her on again,off again mood swings and bouts of irrationality can be tough. Like everyone else said, you have to detach. And that's hard. It's my mother for heaven sake! On the other hand, the damage that would incur, if I did not, would leave me in quite a sad state. It takes time and patience ... and patience has never been my best quality, although I certainly have 10 times more than she does ... and you have to be creative in dealing with the dementia. For instance... we are preparing for her 89th birthday party coming up in July. She's been worried sick about not being able to find one of our relatives, so that we can invite her (there are so very few relatives left, for her), but we do not have this person's address or phone number, and her mother and father have already left this world.. She gets up this morning ready to have her bath before she's even had breakfast. I'm wondering what's the hurry, because I feel like a block of cement when I first get up and tis morning was no exception. Don't I remember? We're supposed to "go looking for" Melissa today. Huh? Whaaa? Well, how are we supposed to be going about that... looking for her? If we don't have her address? Well, I have her address. Uhm... no ya don't... yes, I do! Ok... well, let's talk about it, maybe I'm wrong, but I honestly don't remember us discussing going to look for her... well, we did... do you think maybe you dreamed it? .. no, I did not dream it, we talked about it... I don't think so... why would we go looking for her, if we already have her address? To let her know about the party! But why would we need to look for her, if we have the address? Couldn't we just mail it to her? Just forget it!!! well, now... let's not just forget it, let's talk about it... remember that time we talked about how we can tell if something is real or not? ... we look at the situation, and try to determine if it makes sense or not? yes ... ok then... last night we talked about how you wish you knew how to get in touch with her, right? yes... and I said ask Jack, right? yes... and you said you'd ;already asked Jack, before, and he had no idea how to find her, right? yes... and what was the reason we needed to get in touch with her? to invite her to the party! right... because why? well, because we want to invite her to the party! Yeah, but the reason we were concerned about where she might be was because we had no address for her, right? ... yeah... and so then, how could it be that we can go look for her, because you have her address, if the address was all we needed, in the first place, in order to send her an invitation? ... bewildered look on her face and some indiscernible mumbling...so we really can't go look for her, if we don't have her address, right? more resigned now... I guess not...

I can't always get her to that place... sometimes she says I'm telling a damn lie! or other times I'm trying to "make a damn lie outta her!" ... (I'm using the four letter word that begins with the "D" and ends with "N" in case they edit, here) ... and sometimes my brother... the much older and wiser servant of God (who isn't going to be anybody's slave, right?) ... has to come over and unruffle her feathers or, at the most, point her in the right direction ... because she can't possibly believe me, the misguided one.

It is what it is. Paying someone else is not a possible solution, as her money would run out much sooner. And, as much as possible, we will do all that we can to keep from doing the thing we promised her we would not... put her in a home. There, she will be sure to decline much much faster, I can guarantee. You can't take a, person whose been loved up all her life, and basically spoiled, and then throw them to the wolves. It's just not fair. But that's me, It may not be anyone else's choice or option... and that's ok too! In the meantime, I'm trying to learn new recipes ... because gosh knows, cooking for her is no fun! And like another said, trying to "learn the lessons" ... it would be super duper nice if she could learn some... like patience ... and humility, in all it's forms and definitions... but that isn't going to happen... not now, it's too late for her, there... and she's fine with that, in a stoic kinda way... apparently... instead, she thinks, it's me who needs to learn to zip 'er up, and snap to the whip... so, instead of her learning patience and humility, I have to learn those things.. or die? It's not always easy. Sometimes I cry, just like she does, "Oh, why, Lord!"

I don't think it's wrong for us to question and whine and cry and complain, in our learning process. It's all new to us, this place! And we're all shocked and surprised at what we are encountering, during these end times of our loved one's journey. How else do we find resolve? But it saddens me to see others try to put another on a guilt trip, because of it... which I have seen from time to time. We have enough to deal with, guilt is already part of our human nature, without someone piling on one more stone. One of the most powerful teachings I've ever learned, through a very nice gentleman that I met along the way, is this... that sickness and death and dying are not for the sick and dying... they are gonna die, after all... it's for the loved ones around them... and I've seen it over and over and over.. they are perfectly content with all they've learned in this lifetime... they aren't concerned about "change" even in all their totally unhappy state of mind... . but boy are those lessons up there for the rest, who will remain behind. In the end, the whole experience will end up being either a total back breaker... or a strength builder of unknown proportions. I don't really think there is a middle road, here. We just have realize there are places where we will never have control, in their behaviors ... and stop resisting the control that we can have in our own.

For me, it's laying down the I wish she loved me like she loves them thing ('cause it ain't happening)... and laying down the I know she'll really love me now, after all this, kind of idea ('cause it ain't happening either) ... and focusing on the I love her kinda thing... sometimes I feel like the devil that she sometimes acts like, and that I sometimes blame her for bringing out in me... lol... but I always love her and I know that she loves me.

P.S. Please " comment police", please don't dissect what I've shared, because it comes from within me, not another, and I've written this to share from my own heart, of my own experience, and is not meant, in any way, to reflect that anyone else should see or feel the way I do, or do as I do, about anything.

I'm finally learning to detach from my narcissistic mother and it's not at all easy but absolutely necessary. The hardest part is having to accept that she is incapable of loving anyone and will never change...she truely does not see any of this as her fault and she never will...no matter what you do or say...she is who she is PERIOD ! She has been this way her entire life...it doesn't just happen...and I've wasted over 60 years trying to be a better daughter...impossible. The best advice I can give is to go to the site 'daughters of narcissistic mothers' (even if you are the son), read what they have to say and sign up for the weekly newsletter...it has helped me tremendously ! Good luck.....

I understand, I'm sorry. I understand some of the bitter feelings, as I was brought up by alcoholic parents and have struggled with boundaries and expectations and my own habits, which sometimes have isolated me and given me little support to make positive changes. I wish you support with making some choices even as you live at home, so that you can maintain separate space for yourself, and also give what care you can - it is very good of you to try to help and be there. And I especially understand when you also have a dog who is older and has disabilities - I found such times really trying, because we really want to give the dog what they have given to us, love and support. I guess I just feel that it is really important that we who help, find ways to say, Look, I want to help. I am glad to be with you. I will do what I can. And I want x time to myself as well. Huge struggle, and there is no ONE conversation that can claim that, but repeatedly writing and aiming for it, can make it happen in a month or so - and I wish you faith. It sounds as if you have tried to get help for your mom so you don't have to do it all, a great option, and I agree, that can be more work than doing the actual help!!! I hope you keep writing, and keep seeking to determine what you need and want - how much time to yourself - and if you try to get outside help, maybe you can leave while they are there. I have struggled so much with my own standards - but if money is an issue, there are ways to protect your mom's money. Just not to worry so much about the things she says - with anything she says, about her care, it's possible to just say, "it sounds hard for you, I'm sorry!" You don't have to fix things just because she says them, but it does help if you show you care, even if you do not have time or inclination or ability to fix it - maybe make a big list, and when she makes a complaint, request, put it on the list, say, "thanks for adding this", and make sure the list has a 2 week time frame for you to consider what to do. And she can choose 3 to put as priorities, but no more! She has to face her age and losses, and treat you with gratitude and respect as you try to help her. Good luck!

I understand and relate to all of these posts on this topic. I've been caring for my aging declining narcissistic mother for a number of years and moved in with her almost 2 years ago. According to her I'm in HER house thus I live by HER rules. I'm expected to be at her beck & call 24/7. She is controlling, manipulative, argumentative, forgetful, mean, and alcoholic. I have my own limitations physically as I'm on SSD. It's difficult to go up & down 2 flights of stairs daily but I do the best I can. I'm in counseling again for ME which is somewhat of a help, but every time I go out for an appt or to do something on my own my mother chastises me and makes life miserable for several days. It's wreaked havoc on any semblance of social life for me, but I'm used to spending time alone reading, watching movies, listening to music or on my computer or iPad. I also have a 14 yr old dog going deaf & blind who sticks by my side that makes my mother jealous. I don't like to sit with my mother in our family room where her "bedroom" has been set up due to falls. She smokes in the house and I refuse to let it affect my health any more than it does. The more time I spend to myself the more it irritates my mother. I've tried most things people suggest-saying ok to keep the peace, detaching with love, trying to keep my boundaries etc. I'm miserable. In my heart I know I'm doing the right thing. My mother cannot complain that her basic needs aren't being met-I usually take care of her then my dog before myself. My only sibling lives out of state but tries to help when she can & is quite supportive when I need to vent. Mom is nice to her or to neighbors or any visitors but I get the brunt of her wrath. We have had in home care but none have worked out long because mom manipulates them by befriending them then they take advantage. I've had to ask several to leave as I'd be doing the work anyway but mom would allow them to basically just sit with her watching TV keeping her company. Long story short I'm in a "Damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation that I just try to make the best of, "One day at a time". Things are frustrating but could be a lot worse. Thanks to all who listen and understand.

Hopefully everyone experiencing this lousy treatment from a parent will also consider certain types of Dementia to be a good part of the problem as is the case in my family. "Grandma" is 89 and has been absolutely narcisstic and abusive to her family unto the 4th generation now. Her frontal temporal lobe has deteriorated, causing her life long personality disorder to become magnified.
That said, you may wish to assume that you are not dealing with your parent or who you thought your parent was. It has nothing to do with your own behavior and should not eat cause guilt. It is what it is and it will progress, not improve.

There is nothing manipulative about my behavior as you put it Castle. I tell my mother excuse me I am dong this or that, it does not matter, she wants me to sit by her side day and night.

Maddea, I agree with the need to detach and appreciate how that must be hard when you are a homebound caregiver. I find it kinder overall however, to say that openly - I'm leaving now, for half an hour or an hour. Just as you find your mother's under the breath comments to be manipulative, so is your behavior if you don't just say something like, "excuse me, I'm doing something right now. I'll be back soon." And explicitly claim your space, not by explaining or defending it, but not hiding the choice either, just repeatedly expressing your choice openly - that eliminates confusion and guessing for the other person. I have found confusion is the hardest - and when someone is much older, their senses are so much slower, and their memory, so by the time they realize you are standing back from them, they have already misinterpreted. I know it's not easy to stand clearly and openly for one's needs for separate time, and still be kind - but ultimately, it can help both parties to understand each other - which is a prerequisite for love - not the kind of understanding that comes from explanations, but from behavior that makes sense, and accepting difference.

As I tell my children who have a narcissistic father.........your mother loves you the best she can and the only way she knows how. I also tell them you can accept that or not. I am divorced from their father. I cannot imagine trying to car for a narcissistic mother. I have told my children their father will probably be a lonely old man and they should not ever feel guilty if they do not want to care for him in old age. He does not deserve it. He never cared for his children and on the contrary made our lives miserable. I feel I should say the same to you.

Detach with love is the way I do it. My mother becomes increasingly frustrating when I try to do something for myself. She is lovely if I sit with her day and night watching her tv programs. I can not do that, I must stay in the house with her and that is enough confinement for me to handle. Right now since I am checking my emails, she is filling up her pockets with stuff, tapes, makeup, glasses, stuff, it is nuts, she tries to sneak by and do it, she runs if I turn my head like she is five years old. I just let it go and then empty her coat pockets later on. She then will start calling me names, low but loud enough for me to hear so she judges, and I have called her on it in the past and she says oh I am saying my prayers, okay, so I ignore it, miffed but ignore it. Then she raises the level a bit, surely I have heard her now. I don't respond and she gets really annoyed and will move on to do something that will make me have to go to her. Love, well love is subjective isn't it. I can't move without her asking me what I am doing and where am I going, is this love, well she says, she is concerned and worried about me, that is not love that is smothering and really it is self preservation for herself. I don't play by my mother's rules of what love is, love is selfless and unconditional, something she has not known of in my opinion. Detach, detach, detach, and stop feeling guilty. The latest ploy my mother uses when I don't react, is to say, she wishes she was dead. This one is not working anymore for her. I told her that she needs to be careful of what she says because people may think she is really suicidal and then she'd have a world of hurt to have deal with counselors. So, she uses what she can and she will always try to weild guilt. Things may not be better, but I am better, because now I know and I understand.

Narcissism doesn't happen over night. People who are truly narcissistic have always been that way. I have realized that when people get older, the condition just implodes. Oh sure, they feel out-of-control, afraid, or whatever....but they never change. I am willing to guess you have dealt with this your entire life.

My father is Narcissitic and has always been this way. I don't deal with it at all. I walk away every time. I simply won't play his games, don't take his threats seriously, and live my life. Am I cut out of the will? You betcha, and I am a much happier person because of my decision. Some people, be it friends, co-workers, neighbors, or parents, are just toxic. They are negative, ungrateful, game playing, manipulative human beings. And I don't allow myself to get sucked in. Do I care if they love me? Well, at my age....I really don't worry about it anymore. People who love you....really love you, will not be trying their very best to make you feel miserable. Of course, misery loves company....but I refuse to be in misery day after day after day. No one deserves to live this way. We all make choices in life.

Wow. So many people are dealing with the same stuff that goes on with my 94-year-old mother. In a way it makes me feel better because of the perspective that this is a *condition* rather than a personal attack. On the other hand, nothing can make the so-called relationship pleasant.

Or is it really a relationship? There's no give-and-take. Only take! However, I've found it doesn't need to be so painful if we just LET IT BE -- the person and the acting out. That is, leave the drama alone. Don't judge it and don't get sucked in. S/he is addicted to behaving that way and nothing we say or do will change that.

Based on my own experiences, I would say that the pain we feel in dealing with such people is caused by (1) taking the behaviors personally and (2) resisting the person being exactly as they are. Think about it. What if their behavior had nothing to do with us? What if we made it okay in our own minds that they behave however they do?

Recently I had a breakthrough in this area, related to my feeling distressed that mealtimes were such a strain because of things not going the way I thought they should. Finally I was able to see that my own behavior fit the classic definition of insanity -- doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Right? I just completely let go of my own desires and POOF, end of problem. It's fabulous.

Meanwhile, about the love, I suspect that you DO have the mother's love you crave but that your insistence on a certain type of expression of that love deprives you of feeling it. You may want to consider the possibility that love abides independently of a person's behavior.

Thank you for raising this issue and for those who've contributed ideas for dealing with it. I'm really grateful for this forum. God bless us every one.

I think the messages, take care of what YOU can, are important, for you only resent more if you try to give in without speaking up. But I also think there is an important message in krusso's post, in which her husband has ideas about why mom is that way - many women of an earlier generation, were taught to always be polite, never put one's own needs first. Many women felt lost in larger social settings, where those who were more familiar, navigated with apparent ease. Such women could be themselves at home, somewhat - but had no support for individuality and their own expression in public, so they lack the skills of flexibility and give and take. Some may have been very important and they never learned the "take" part very easily - so they deflect their feelings and needs until resentful, then show resentment when they finally speak up. I understand such women for I am one. I had opinions growing up, but social isolation. So when I do caretaking, I have a special compassion for older women, who lash out, instead of asking for help. I have my way of dealing with this, which is to listen to their complaint, twice - and then tell them I've listened twice, but they seem not satisfied, and I will be in the other room, and will return in 5 minutes. And I leave. This gives them time to calm down, and by the time I return, they have usually sorted out what they want. One said, it's your job to stay, and I said, yes, it's my job (or my choice, if that's how it is) to help, and I am glad I am doing that. But I don't have to stay and listen to you criticize me more than once or twice. I'm trying to understand what I can do, but you seem to want to criticize me, so I'll be in the other room. That kind of clarity, without total either/or decisions, leaves them space to regroup - and repeat as needed. It's important to say you are glad you chose to be with them, and that you want to help and be there, but for now, you will leave, for a short while. And then return, and try again. If it's not better, leave again - but not with bitterness, just with understanding it's not easy to deal with a difficult child - which is how that person is, when they have been so alone for so long.

I "get it" too - may I ask if YOU wanted mom to live w/you? Because mine is 94 & I've never lived away from my parents so there's the emotional factor here too - she "goads" me sometimes even when I see her at the n.h., then I get upset & she says "oh I was only joking." Now I KNOW mom loves me BUT I also know we could NOT take care of her in our home because our marriage would fall apart - Richard's a great guy but he's set in his ways - he's 63 & I'm 52. Is your mom confined to a wheelchair? Richard just told me the reason your mom talks about herself a lot is BECAUSE she's in her situation - Question: How would YOU feel if you (because God forbid you had a serious accident)were "stuck" in your body & KNEW there was no way you could do anything or most things for yourself? She's VERY angry at her own body & Richard also said she talks so much because how else is she going to make her needs known? Hiring an RN is a GREAT idea IF you can afford it. After reading your letter for the last time I KNOW we couldn't have had mom in our home - our marriage wouldn't make it. BTW, I'm a Medical Assistant & Hospice volunteer...

Thank you for asking this question because it is exactly what is going on with my mother and I didn't realize it! She is angry all the time and yells at me and my father and tells us what an awful life she has has. I feel like she doesn't love me and there is nothing I can do or say that makes her happy....she is not the mother I know and that bothers me so much. I can't stand all the drama and her negative attitude so I feel like I have become a turtle and just pull inside my shell....but, it sounds like from what everyone is saying that I'm becoming detached and maybe that is the best way to roll. I haven't known what to say but I have been trying to just agree with whatever she says by saying....if you think you are a certain way then you are or I tell her I will not tolerate a certain type of behavior and then walk away. We are lucky though, my parents still live I. Their home but we have a local agency come into the home 5 days a week for 3 hour time periods to help mom with household chores, bathing and preparing meals. They have seem is,liar behaviors from my mother so it at least validates my concerns about her behavior. It is just difficult to not feel guilty about how I'm responding to my mother but I have to do it to keep my sanity and my life as much drama free as possible....I wish I could offer suggestions to you but this is how I'm coping!

LadyDi3: I like your ideas. I am caring for my narcissistic husband. Never realized that's what he was. I just always considered him selfish and self-centered. Always had to be the center of attention, etc. Now that he has dementia it's even worse. He can get very nasty verbally, but I am learning to detach. Not always, but sometimes I'm really proud of myself for being able to just say OK and walk away. I get my house cleaned very thoroughly when I'm angry or hurt! Not exactly fun, but it gives me great satisfaction when the house is cleaned and the meal is cooked, even if he doesn't eat it. His loss. This is not easy; but life overall is not easy. God has a plan, and although I wish I knew what it was and when it was going to play out, I know I can't. I need to learn to "go with the flow" and trust in Him. Blessings...

JessieBelle I understand your situation. I too am taking care of my mother with very similar personality type as yours. My husband and I have been here with Mom for over two years. Mother has never been a happy woman. She has always been self absorbed. She has always needed to control everything and everyone. She has always been living in fear of what will people think of her. But now, she is up againest something she can not control....the aging process and she is afraid of dying. So, with all of that said, she is one miserable woman. She takes all of this out on us. She is very cruel in what she says. She loves to try to get something (an argument) started. We use to react to all of this and she simple sat back and enjoyed watching how the mess turned out. We do not react anymore, we simply say "ok" to whatever she is talking about and we walk away. If we don't play the game, she has nothing to go with. We have to keep our sanity and emotional well being in place. there will be a life after she has past away, and we want to be well enough to enjoy it. We are here to keep her safe. We make sure there is food in the house, the house is clean and she is safe. My husband gets her to the doctors appts. and other errands that need to be done for her. But we have had to learn to detach with love. We care about her and what happens to her. But it is not our job to make ourselves available for her abuse. We thought we could make a difference in her life, do things that would make her happy but that did not work. She is happy when everything around her (and everyone) is miserable. We do not play in that sandbox. We just walk away. It is the best we can do. Our walking away has not changed her behavior, but we are more at peace and have more room in our hearts for the things we like to do for Mom that put a smile on our face. We have not conquered all of this but we have started to enjoy taking care of Mom. We had to figure out what was ok with us, and walk away from the rest. My Mom will never change she will only get worse as she gets older, but we do not have to be miserable with her. I only hope you can find a way to not get caught up in your mothers games. My the angels stay close by you and guide thru this adventure.......................:)

Have a answer, hire a RN and let them handle your mother. problem is most people like to complain about the elderly but don't wish to hire someone to care for them. Allow them to spend there money and enjoy it, but today most people are hiding the elderly money for themselves. Mom and dad are to hard to deal with... BUT IS THERE MONEY, waiting for you? I handled a Aunt for years, never got paid a dime, but that wonderful daughter from Michigan sure was there to get her money..did nothing for her mother or father.. money is the wasy to god knows money. Want good professional people hire a RN, not a person from some 3rd world nation, not even legal in this country.
Relationships are give and take, but most people want there parents to be there money bags for life. There money should be spent on them...

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. It would be easier to understand if it were more consistent. Some days they are nice and some days they are the devil to deal with. The nice days are the most confusing, because they can make us think that it is us, not them. We have to remind ourselves it isn't us.

Has your mother always been self-absorbed. Some people get that way when they get older. Their vision of the world becomes more narrowed over the years until one day they can't see anyone outside themselves. They can dwell on each itch, each pain, each spot until it drives others around them crazy. And they can get so mad if you don't respond in the way they want you to, and sometimes even if you do.

The emotional detachment is the best way to go, but it is hard to pull off when there is a frontal assault going on. Often the best strategy is to say that something isn't true, or say to stop some behavior, then just walk away and go about your business. Still there will be the gnawing anger to deal with. I can't stand the gnawing anger. It feels awful and is so unhealthy. I try to look at the bad feelings like they are trying to teach me something about handling them. Sometimes that works. Other times not so good. :)

I can't speak for your mother, but I suspect that she does love you. She just doesn't love herself getting older.