I go back and forth with my 86 year old dad. He's a good person, generous, kind, etc., and I know it could be a lot worse. However, he is making me nuts at times.
How do I describe it? He's annoying, needy, relentless, self absorbed and rude. He was a traveling salesman and gone most of the time when I was growing up so my mom really raised me and my brothers. She has very good manners and even at 91 is happy spending time by herself. She wouldn't think of dropping in on someone without calling first and she is always polite. She has some problems now with dementia, but she tries to be neat and have good table manners.
My dad is the complete opposite. He will call at 7 AM, drop in unexpectedly, his table manners are disgusting, and although he can take an interest in what's going on with me and my husband, I feel like he only asks so he can get it over with and move on to HIM! He has done so many annoying things since retiring and having me nearby that I've already gone into counseling once and recently I scheduled myself to see someone again.
He is extremely social and wants to have something to do every day of the week. So, even though he has friends, goes to the senior center and also has hobbies, he still clings to me.
He still drives, but I can see that we are getting to a point where it won't be much longer before that needs to end and I'm truly dreading it.
My husband and I moved to my parents' community about 8 years ago and bought their property. We built on a few acres of it, but let them stay in their home, only asking them to pay property insurance on their home and part of the taxes. I have had every intention of helping them and we have.
From the day we moved into our newly built house my dad was unbelievably obnoxious. He would walk into our house unannounced, whenever the mood hit. We had to talk to him about that. There have been so many problems with him invading our space that I could write a book. When I've tried talking to him, he has actually hung up on me and I swear I was not yelling or emotional, just trying to get him to see it from our point of view.
Recently my husband had foot surgery and my dad wanted to come to the hospital, but it was day surgery and, frankly, my husband I didn't want to deal with my parents. We kept my dad at bay by telling him we didn't have an exact time (which was actually true until the day before). Dad called about 3 times that week and then he called again after the surgery. I told him everything went fine and he wanted to know if we wanted to go out for dinner!!! I told him we couldn't do that for at least a week. Dad left us alone for one day and then decided to drop in. Neither of us wanted to see him so we didn't answer the door. So after leaving my dad called and I didn't answer. Then he called again and I still didn't answer. The next thing I knew he was back again and this time he used his key to let himself into our house.
I know a lot of people are going to say something about the fact that he was concerned, etc., but Dad wears me out. When he walked into the house I confronted him and I'll admit I was upset. He kept saying he was worried and I felt like saying, "it was foot surgery not his heart!"
I don't know what I'm asking here. I guess I just needed to vent. My dad is wearing me out and although I want to be a good daughter, he just won't give me a chance to take a break.
I think I read more stuff about manipulate mothers, but I'm here to tel you my dad is the King when it comes to that!
I know this is not in his age group, but my son is very picky. When my husband got a job down in FL, he had definite thoughts and made them known that he did NOT want to leave his friends here in OH. Since he was still a minor, he had no choice but to come with us. When he enrolled in the school down there in FL, he made friends instantly. He decided he liked it. Then we had to move due to my husband's job. At least he finished his freshman year down there. For his sophomore year and still here at present time, we moved back to the same school district. We made the decision based upon my husband's mom, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (AD). She was his only live grandparent, he had lost two (2) grandparents the year before we moved and he was close to them also.
Take care, lach61
You're probably working up the courage to tell him, but eventually you'll have to pull him to the side and have a conversation about his manners. Start with the positive things, then list the things he needs "work on" or be "aware of" before coming to visit. For starters, he HAS TO call first.
My uncle Pedro used to pop up at my door with that piggish wife of his, Nury, for their usual Sunday mooching. She had chronic halitosis and burped like a rhino; and thought there was nothing wrong with it. He ate with his hands and picked his teeth with a fork. To my wife, Southern hospitality was a must. So I suffered in silence at the dinner table. A few hours later I offered to walk them to the bus stop. They became indignant when I told them to call first before visiting. They snapped demanding RESPECT, so I asked them to spell it. ... They couldn't. Last time I caught sight of them they were mooching at my sister Ivette's. Nury wasn't stinking off the place with her breath, and Pedro was eating with a fork instead of picking his teeth with it.
People can change, if they're willing.
-- ED
If his behavior was not effecting you emotionally, I would say that you are on top of things. So, you need to use tough love. First, take away his key to your home. Second, get an answering machine and caller ID...if it is an emergency, you can screen and get right back to him. Tell him that he MUST call before he comes over, and if it is not a good time, he must respect your wishes. If he comes over unannounced, you are not obligated to answer the door.
It is a blessing that your dad is enjoying such good health at his age, but he needs to channel his energies elsewhere. He really does not care about learning more about you or making up for lost time, he just needs a captive audience....and I agree, it sounds exhausting.
Can you have friends drop in on him for a visit? Does he have a hobby or be willing to try a new one? Can he volunteer his time?
Unfortunately the true NPD parent is only interested in themselves and their needs and most of us are still trying to figure out how to deal with that.
Good luck...if you are new here, welcome..
Lilli