Hi, I (20 F) really need some advice on the situation I am in at the moment. So I live with my grandparents and my great grandpa moved in with us this past year after my great grandma passed. She passed from cancer and my family knew there were nodules found on her scan but brushed it off and did nothing until she was circling the drain. They later tried to blame others, not wanting to take the responsibility of their actions.
On to my great grandpa, he is 92, has some form of dementia and does not speak English. I am not fluent our family language unfortunately and can only understand it but cannot speak it well. But I am one of his primary caregivers. In the past 6 months of him moving in with me he does not sleep through the night anymore. He will get up multiple times and mess with stuff around the house. Unfortunately that also means I do not sleep through the night anymore either. I have repletely brought up my concerns with multiple different family members to the point of begging and tears a few time but they tell me he is just old and that "I have to deal with it". I have tried ear plugs, music, padding my door, and other stuff but he is so loud (he is kind of deaf) that i wake up to him slamming doors and messing around with stuff in the kitchen.
I am a college student and these past 2 semesters have been hell with the amount of sleepless nights I have had, on top of health scares with my great grandpa. Like the other day he fell and no one told me until I got home and saw the huge bruise on his face. The problem is that he is on blood thinners and I told my family multiple times that if he falls on blood thinners he needs to be seen by a doctor. Their response was "If I take him to the doctor they will make a fuss and then call an ambulance" aka they don't want to go through all the trouble.
This past year his stamina has also gone down due to my family not taking him out places and making him stay in the house for fear that he might faint. What they aren't realizing is that they are killing his stamina by keeping him in the house. I have raised this point multiple times to the point that if I say anything about my great grandpa they automatically think I am complaining. I am majoring in the medical sciences thus I read about all of this in my textbooks and case studies and work with patients like this situation but seeing it in my own house constantly is starting is kill me a little inside. Like I feel horrible but I have so much built up resentment for my family now because of everything with my great grandma and now my great grandpa. I feel helpless and am just watching the family contribute to my great grandpa's decline.
ok - now onto the family - i would say you need to speak to health officials or doctor and report that hes not being cared for and look at options for him. Maybe charities can advise you of options. Its sounds like he should be in fulltime care.
your family are irresponsible and dont want the hassle - but its wrong they are leaving him to speed up the process for a word. You need to see what options there are for help. I would speak to charities and his doctor. Tell them straight - you are the only carer and you are worried that he's vulnerable and needs full time care - what options are there.
As for Grandpa - i put some headphones on my dad and attached it to an old ipad - have you anything like that or someone that can loan you one? and i put on relaxing night music on you tube and it calmed my dad at night. I also bought herbal sleeping aid tablets and give him one from in the uk we got the RESCUE range - - again speak to his doctor - he may get something prescribed to help calm his mind and help him to rest. Find out what options there are -
so sorry to hear what you are going through. You will survive it and things get better - and this will be a distant nightmare. Stay positive and strong as you are - and you are - to have coped! - get those conversations in and find out your options for Grandpa to go into care. Best wishes and strength send to you
I know that you deeply care for your elderly family, but as a 64 year old caregiver to my 94 year old father, I cry inside thinking of all you are trying to juggle. It does not sound like your opinions are taken seriously enough in your home, which often happens when elders should be listening to younger people. Yes, we all can become terribly deconditioned if we are sedentary. And then caregiving becomes even harder, because the person can no longer get themselves to the bathroom, etc. And yes, a fall that bruises the face obviously involved the head, and is ER worthy. I commend you on your good sense. I am living each of these issues with my dad, so I know and have seen what you are talking about.
Now, if great grandpa has not been deemed incompetent and refuses to go to the ER, you can’t do anything about it (I finally convinced my dad to go after a fall that involved hitting his head recently, and we were there all night. But the EMTs on scene said if they were to take him when he said no, it would legally be kidnapping!). As for great grandma, my condolences. I will say, though, that some of our elderly are themselves not open to undergoing the treatments at this point in their lives, that would be necessary for a shot at being cured. It’s a quality of life issue. But I personally believe that everyone deserves the right to make that decision for themselves.
First, is there any way that communication can be made with great grandpa’s PCP, about your concerns? He might not be able to discuss things with you directly due to HIPPA, but he could examine him and refer for OT and PT and maybe counsel the whole family about healthy practices….(and you could ask that she/he keep it confidential that you contacted him/her—all could be done as a matter of a checkup). If he is sedentary and bored he probably sleeps a lot in the day, and so is up at night. Lived that with dad recently and I know how exhausting it is! PCP may be able to help with that too.
Is there any way you can move to a dorm or something? And then maybe you could visit home on the weekends or some evenings to help out. It’s admirable that you are doing so much, but this situation is causing stress for you in every way—physically, emotionally, and mentally. (As it would anybody)), and all these people are going to just need more and more care as time goes by. You are not the family’s only answer to supporting them, I hope. (you said you do not speak your grandfathers language. I have close friends and in law family from cultures where the elderly are cared for by family until they pass away—institutional care is not considered. But usually there is extensive family to pitch in either day to day, or financially so in home caregivers can be hired.) Please do not allow it to be. It could become the expectation, with you being female and in healthcare. You have such a good head on your shoulders and kind heart, you matter too and something else has to be considered for the future.
You should not be the family caregiver slave . You are in a dysfunctional family. Get out before it gets worse. Your family expects you to take care of all your grandparents as they decline .
After you move out call Adult Protective Services .
Go see a therapist to learn why this is so wrong and to learn boundaries .
Home care is often neglect, unfortunately, and not the utopia so many insist it to be.
Unfortunately, you cannot do anything about this except to suggest your family apply for Medicaid on behalf of great grandpa for his care and wellbeing.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.
You sound like a very caring, thoughtful and remarkable young person with a fantastic future ahead of you. Please prioritize your education, including the sleep and time that you need to focus on your studies and earn your degree and/or certification in a timely fashion so you can move out and have more healthy boundaries with your loved ones. Care for your great grandpa is truly the responsibility of several other adults, none of whom are you.
Is it possible for you to move out into a dorm?