Is there was a thread or support discussion for caregivers who care for private clients, not their family?

LadeeM- I was surprised when I was told, minor issues you don't have to disclose. But a major one like that, where safety is a issue, you should be told upfront. I have dealt with that disorder, my brothers ex has it. And she would snap without warning. I'm glad it's out now, and hopefully she will accept the treatment. As with having a job... who knows. Already got an offer for the first of the year. But would like to stay on with this family if the haldol helps.
Glad- an outsider does see the situation for what it is. Families tend to have a range of opinions, which is normal. So it may cause conflict. Like with my kinda patient, 3 kids, two accepting of our input, one not. Causes conflict. I tend to deal with her better than the others so try to put her on the same page, but I'm not in charge of her brain, so she goes back to her opinions. And it causes fights. Such as, why not get mom treatment for her kidneys, she's on hospice. So that causes a fight. I personally think getting everyone on the same page is the best, but that comes differently with each person involved. I'll be honest, every family I worked with was dysfunctional.... as most are to some degree. But as an outsider, I know how to deal with each personality, what to say what not too. Just do the tasks at hand and try to keep the peace. Unless health is compromised, then I speak up.

I don't know that I have better words, lol. I just have mine.

I've mentioned this to LadeeM, but my situation is unique, in my experience, and just about anything I've heard about. At any rate, it's hard to imagine another situation so harmonious, to be honest. It might have to do with the fact that both of us who live here were friends of the family, before we took on the responsibilities of caring for Edna. My sister is best friends with one of the daughters - since high school. My roommate/co-worker has been friends with the same daughter for a decade or more. So, trust came more readily. Besides the fact that I 'proved' myself early in the game.

As it regards their mom, all the siblings are on the same page about mom's healthcare, so we rarely have to go head-to-head about stuff. When we were making decisions regarding the most recent course of events, they heard my point of view and considered it, but it was mostly a matter of clarifying specifics. We were already =mostly= on the same page. When both of us were treated with less than respect by the hospital staff, the family was offended on our behalf.

I've mentioned before that I draw certain boundaries. I am *not* a member of their family .. I'm a much valued member of mom's healthcare team .. with affection and appreciation. But may god forbid them treating me like they treat each other. *eyes roll heavenward* My experience of 'family' is tainted, I admit it. So, I actively shy away from it. For the first few years, I completely avoided any celebrations, unless I was 'on' that day, and then I was 'invisible' except when Edna needed me. That's relaxed in the last couple of years: I acknowledge my birthday and give gifts during the holidays (long story, lol .. I won't go into here). But it was all in the name of setting those boundaries.

Glad, I know for me, when the family is talking and no one is listening, it's about 'timing'....knowing when to interject something and how to say it...and who to say it to, to get results....it's not a good idea for a paid caregiver to walk thru the door on their first day and do this!!!

But most of us have been with our families for an extended period of time....we do get to know who to talk to and when...I know this is one issue that I want families to consider with your paid caregiver.... we are not robots... we have feelings, our own personal stuff we leave at the door...sometimes we are 'triggered' from our own family dynamics from something said or done... not that part is absolutely up to the caregiver to pay attention to and deal with without involving family.... that's why I come here.....that has nothing to do with my job description....

I do not consider myself a 'family member'... I have my own dysfunctional family that I avoid like the plague..... but I do tend to make 'friends' most times.... one of the DIL's and I have some great talks..... I find human nature fascinating and just like to get to know certain people....and others, like the oldest son... I go thru the motions with him...never disrespectful, but I know he will only make my brain tired with empty and meaningless noise..... and that is how I have learned to discern what is important information coming from a family member... is it 'noise' or information... or an honest exchange....

So most days I am more mentally exhausted than physically tired... I do have chronic back problems... but that is manageable.....like now... a seven day shift, and I DO NOT want to hear my name one more time....so will be sleeping on my one day off...not much of a life, just like the rest of you.... but it is my life and I chose to do this... or it was chosen for me..... doesn't matter....it's what I do... but even if I worked at McD's, I'd need a forum to bitch...!!!!!

I am sorry that mom just isn't open to having someone else in the home... but I am going to applaud you for doing everything in your power to keep her out of a NH.....I hate those places and things done there....

Is there a possibility you could hire someone and in a repetitious way, let mom know that the person is there to help YOU, not her??? And by that I mean, with the caregiver knowing up front what the plan is, to let this person come in every day or how ever you would plan it... and simply help YOU... like doing the dishes, or some housework that you just can't get to.... no hands on with your mom... and letting mom get used to someone else being around?

Then very slowly the caregiver can offer help with getting up out of chair... ect... I know it would be tedious, but so is doing this job by yourself... folks with Alz do not like change....and there is a possibility you could find a caregiver agreeable to this....I would love this kind of challenge.... so hopefully there would be someone out there to help you... a few hours a day....it would help YOU.... and maybe mom would adjust... something to think about.... because doing this job, under any circumstances is hard, much less doing it alone....so you are not alone...sending prayers for you to get some help....and the family will be the family no matter how much you stress over it.....I read your posts on other threads and you seem to be centered and know what is needed.... sometimes we have to use the brain cells for being upset with sibs, to using them to find a solution..... you are in my prayers Glad..... something will work sooner or later...

ladeeM-
Many good points, and I would love someone to come and at least do the cleaning, then start pitching in to help with mom. In fact two years ago some and I repeat some family members wanted me to find help to at least clean. But the one in charge of finances would not hear of it.

Yes, my family will be my family, and I am powerless to try to change or even control their existing behaviors. And I have been able to leave much of that aside, it is just too stressful to say nothing of mentally draining. Trying to figure out, if I do this, then maybe they will do this had been a constant exercise. Now I know it is completely futile, and they will need to make the first gestures to try to smooth things over.

What nobody seems to understand is my mom is happy, comfortable, and safe in her home while being well taken care of. For them to think of moving her to a facility is selfish and I think only to relieve their guilt while I am spending so much time with our mom without any sort of meaningful support, or assistance. And I am doing fine. My mom raised at least one tough old broad, and two wimps.

Glad, partly the reason I do what I do , is to keep elders out of NH's.....it is cheaper than a NH and they get one-on-care...... so the fact that you know mom is happy and well cared for... even if you are alone in this.... it is much better than worrying about her care in the hands of strangers.... and yes, the sibs have their own reasons or excuses..... but in the end.... you will be able to look in the mirror with no regrets.....that is how I live my life.... to not have regrets..... you are an awesome daughter, and I send prayers that the family understands that you at least need someone to help come in and so some cleaning for you..... we do tend to let things go because we are either too busy or too tired.... I don't think, a hundred years from now, if it will matter if we could write our names on the furniture.... I think our loving actions are going to be what matters..... hugs and chocolate to you....

ladeeM, thanks for your kind words and especially the chocolate and hugs too. I am really worn out tonight, feeling very tired and emotionally drained. Partly, I think, a new one from mom tonight, asking where that other girl was, meaning one of the sisters. Hadn't heard that before, but then she has only seen that sister five timed this year and she lives 5 miles away. So sad, for her.

Ya Glad, that's the added bonus of caregiving... if we have any compassion and empathy, we feel their pain and sadness on top of what ever is going on with us...and when we are so emotionally drained, our bucket is empty..... it all feels so hopeless, so never ending....I do understand how you feel... but keep in mind that YOU really are ENOUGH for you mom.... forget that the sibs are jerks.... A power greater than us decided that in order for your mom to have some quality of life, you were chosen.... many days we don't have to like it...and we get weary from telling our self it is what it is.... but you do have us... we live very far away and are here for you.....

And no, in the middle of all the tiredness and craziness, it's not like we stop and say... 'wow, I am sooooo blessed'.......but when all is said and done... we are the blessed ones.... wish I lived closer..... I would help you with mom.....families are amazed sometimes that I can take the most cantankerous person and get them to be glad I'm there....so just remember, its not like you are the ONLY one in regard to your family, you are the CHOSEN one.... sucks doesn't it..... love and hugs....

Yup, the chosen one. And I know one day I will be very happy that I have been able to spend this time with my mom. And most importantly she is happy, comfortable, safe, and well cared for in the manner she would have chosen.

thank you, LadeeM

You're still entitled to wish He'd choose somebody else from time to time… :)

Ya CM... I hear you... the messed up part of this for me.... I am as tired, frustrated, unhealthy as the rest of you.... and I go this on PURPOSE every day... doesn't make a damned bit of sense does it..... I am so burned out.....

We have joked thru the years about having a caregiver get together... why? We would all be sleeping......
Hugs to everyone, and lots of chocolate when all else fails....

Just for today... I my eyes and my smile will not connect. Just for today.... I will pretend everything is ok. Just for today.....I will be the robot I detest. Just for today.... I will put my pain and my dread, outside the door before I walk in.

Just for today. That's all I have with Gene... just today.... Hospice is being called in.... this is too soon after Stu's death..... just for today, I don't want to do this anymore.

Ladee-
So, when hospice comes in, your care of him ends? I know you will still care for him. How long have you been with him?

No Glad, I will be there until the end... and will still maintain care of C.... I have been with them a year.... their son, Stu, who was their primary caregiver, and lived with them, died of brain cancer a little over two months ago... I got very close to him. Miss him so much.....

In my line of work, we usually stay until the end.... but my soul is weary.... just weary from loss and still having to put on a 'happy face' to remain professional..... thank God I have this site and great support... just could not, and would not, do this without my great friends here....hugs to you..... really into 'myself'..... just for today....

I do not know or understand how you do what you do. HUGS, and lots of them.

I get to go to lunch with a great friend, the daughter of my last family before C and Gene.... and then I have friends coming in for the weekend.... I may actually feel like a human by Monday..... hugs to all of you... sure wish there was more traffic on this thread......

LadeeM, sounds like a wonderful weekend! Enjoy it, you deserve it!

I just discovered this thread. I'm "one of you" - the paid private caregivers. I've found so much support on this page. Just haven't been on it a whole lot in the past few months. I'm back! Thank you for starting this discussion.

Hey Ruth.... we know each other right? You are a bright light in the caregiving world... sure hope you come on and share some of your 'methods' with us..... I learned a lot from you when you were posting before....good to see you again... sending you lots of hugs..

Glad, I'm going to have a good time this weekend.... going to try and put down all the things I am powerless over and just enjoy my company.... we don't get to do that very often.... so will cherish my time.... thanks for being here... hope you get a break this weekend also.... you deserve it also... sending you hugs and lots of chocolate...

I am my Aunt's caregiver, DPOA. But, some how I'm not allowed to get paid for my caregiver services because, I'm my Aunt's POA? This isn't fare.

LadeeM, hugs to you. Try to enjoy some you time. I miss my G, but thank God my parents are here. I honestly felt lost not going there everyday. They have drug me everywhere, seeing family and spending time (my family is not local) being there towards the end is rough, but you got your support, especially us. Hugs to you...

Hi Ruth1957! Please share your experiences... or just talk or vent! That's what this is for. Welcome to the thread!

Well G was hospitalized for a week. Got home yesterday. I was called to please come back. Went in today, she didn't want me there, but didn't put up a fight like usual. And no name calling (from her). She let me stay, got them all caught up on chores, she's asleep most of the time cause of her meds. Going in slowly, back on my normal schedule for now. Just hoping we can get her to come around, her family said she usually does. But I'm thankful they addressed the problem and I can help the family, and hope she will accept me again. Need positive vibes! Hugs all! :)

Made it through my first week back. Was able to feed her today! Taking small steps. The haldol seems to be working. She's dozing much of the time, but her violent anger is gone. Staying in close contact with the family, they are relieved she's accepting me again! Felt good... merry Christmas everyone and hugs to you all!

Merry Christmas, PC .. and everyone else!!

Hope everyone had a good holiday! Had a crappy day today. I need advice from someone who works with a client with more than one caregiver... I know a few of you are on other discussions I posted in. But I seriously feel like other caregiver is over stepping and causing problems, on purpose. What should I do?

Hi, PC .. it might help if you describe the situation more, but without further information, my questions/answers would be:

Is there a lead CG between the two of you or are the two of you on 'common' ground? What kinds of issues is she creating or challenging?

The answer to all the above, in my experience is: document, document, document.

Basically, charting: as though she were a hospital patient. Note all the changes of condition. Log all your activities together. Keep a log of vitals. Record all treatments, medications, appointments, etc. Keep them in plain view, keep copies if necessary and make sure the POA is aware of your process. Suggest, if it's not already being done that all caregivers follow the same process. Actually, this is just common courtesy between caregivers, AND, is incredibly helpful when/if your client needs to go for treatment or to the ER. My co-worker and I do this and it's really an immeasurable help, especially since our client's condition is so variable .. it helps us keep the visiting nurse and the doctor up-to-date. (We even log her BMs .. we used to track her diet, due to the diabetes, but once we got used to her needs, dropped that; but still track her daily intake of fluids.)

Charting can be a royal PITA, but just consider it part of your duties. (gah .. I'd rather chart than do dishes, lol)

Keep emotions out of it. (oh, MAN, is THAT hard!!) But, take the higher ground and do NOT retaliate or give back, in kind. Just keep doing the best work you know how to do. Getting defensive only makes us seem petty and vindictive and the family really doesn't want to hear it. Our responsibility, our job is to caregive, and that's what the family wants to know is happening. Not the infighting or the catfights.

And, uh .. I speak from hard-won experience. My first three years here were, erm .. more than challenging and it took me a LONG time to just surrender: my goal was/is to give the best care I can for my client, and THAT meant I have to give ground. In the long run, it's worked out and taking the high road paid off.

Hope this helps,
LadeeC

On a less generalized note (just read the other thread about the Haldol) .. remind her and the family that she is NOT a physician and changing meds is not only NOT her prerogative, but she could be held liable for any negative outcome. Keep your comments as professional as you can, stress your concern for your client's welfare and well being .. and leave the final decision to the family. It's not really your decision, either.

It's hard, I know. I'm not much of a fan of western medicine and advocate for natural treatments whenever I can ........... but any changes we make are always with the doctor's approval (can't say that doesn't stick in my craw, it does .. but .. that's the job). Hopefully, this new person can get with the program and not make life a nightmare. *crosses fingers*

This is one, of the many things, that paid caregivers get to be powerless over.... as LadeeC said..... no one but the Dr. has the authority to change or DC meds... I pray this woman has not swooped in there and convinced the family she knows what she is doing...
My co-worker is useless.... so that adds to my work load.... but like LC said, we have to keep our emotions out of it.... we don't get the luxury of having a throw down like the family can do when there is a disagreement.

If you have a 'go to' person in the family, then confide your concerns with them... maybe it is being taken care of, and no one is bothering to let you know....if your family is like the one I work for.... no one is on the same page about anything ever, so, tho I have a 'go to' family member, it only seems to add to their stress, as no one will speak up....

Wish you well with this PC... this past few months have been very trying and hard for you....and I am speaking for myself here, I think sometimes I don't know when to just leave.... because I have so much invested....it is a hard choice to make, but at the same time, I am finding it next to impossible to stand by and watch some of the things going on and not having a voice....just know the duo Ladee's have your back, and we DO understand... sending you lots of hugs today.... let us know how this works out....

Well we do a lot of charting, her daughter is very meticulous and wants to know everything we do. We have a med chart which we write every time she takes something. Other caregiver was from a company, but left and still took on G. I'm kinda a friend of the family, took care of daughter FIL. and she called me to help with her mom cause I live so close. Examples of other cgs behavior: left G on the bed pan, didn't tell me so she was on it from the am till about 8 at night, she was complaining of bad pain, her other daughter realized it and called me. I said I had no idea, the other cg said she told me, but Gs husband defended me and said no, and that I always time it and that she never said a word. So she lied about that. She always says how her and the daughter fight over the care of G. I told her I never had a problem with her, she is a tough cookie lol, but we get along great and I think she gets mad. I agree, a doctor should make recommendations, not a cg. I offer my input when asked. But make it known its ultimately their decision, I'm not a doctor, and don't try to be one. Now she's taking my hours, and also G had no meds this afternoon cause other cg said no. I could go on and on, also she puts dirty dishes away and I get blamed for it.... and I told the daughter about that, and the sad thing is, they believe me. But other cg is the only one G trusts, so it's a mess.... but on a happy note, G was nice today! Happy New year all!!!!

"if it's not in writing it didn't happen" (I only wish it was really true) ... in the long run, what's been documented is what is supportable. So, when you discover stuff, be sure to write it down. She will ultimately bury herself.

Or.

Maybe it's time to find a different position. If the family is willing to give over more hours to a person who seems to be favored by G, rather than someone who provides excellent care, while they ignore the shortcomings, I know I'd rather move on.