I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
If she has her own bathroom & can isolate as much as possible in the house it will be safer for you & DH. Glove & mask up to serve her meals & handle any dishes etc. Being a CNA she will know all the PPE stuff!
Scary times indeed. Thoughts with you. Keep us posted.
YD is relatively okay .. just some congestion/cough/fatigue, .. loss of taste/smell. But other than that she's okay, thankfully.
She works in a hospital on the Covid wing as a matter of fact, .. as a CNA .. so I guess it's a miracle she didn't get it til now, .. and that it's a mild case.
Dad was supposed to, originally, be released today (to where isn't yet dialed in on). That got moved to a tentative Tuesday of this week, but that too . I suspect will again, be extended (I hope).
Still unclear where he will go. Wounds .. a barrier to entry at ALF for respite.
In theory then one could at least show the picture of, say, the front step, to the elder or the discharge planner or whatever. A picture is worth a thousand words!
I stated same to a discharge plan. No it is not possible for me to collect & drive home. Non-emerg ambo was used instead with stretcher brought up any ramps/steps straight into house. Depositied directly into bed or chair.
Eh, why even mention it to him at all. He doesn't follow your advice.
About the 7/25 discharge date...I'm guessing they got approval from Medicare/his supplemental plan to cover his stay through then? I'm wondering if that could suddenly change?
As things stand at present .. that "fluid" tentative discharge date was moved to 7/25.
Will he go to ALF ... ???....
How do you even move forward, if you do anything demonstrative at all in that path forward. Wounds? Who can say what the staging of same, .. and whether that will be acceptable as to a respite stay . and care thereof. Who can answer that today on 7/17?
Ambulating? Who can say if he needs more "time" .. as of a week from now, and should direct to respite stay.
Obviously it's his wish to go home . and sounds like he has been in touch with former c'giver who was dismissed by stepmom . and that c'giver still available .. (though cannot stay nights . don't know if she's to stay wknds . didn't ask) ...
Obviously that is the path he wishes .. if he is to be discharged, and who can say if it will/won't transpire? I sure can't.
I am not fighting city hall. I think it's reckless .. to depend on one lone private individual . to even go home .. period, at all. But his decision, not mine. His pitfalls to experience also . not mine.
I do know that if that all important date comes and him sprung outta there, .. I won't be in town. I already have on my calendar, a trip to a local lake/springs . for the day with DD and family and a picnic on the grounds there.
Not taking the twins as spring water is too chilly for them. The only day that DD can get coverage (and woohoo ... !!! .. from the other g'ma . who never watches the twins . but is willing to do so) . is that specific day. The twins can't go, that water is too cold for them . they'd be freezing and quivering lips .. and wanna get out . and then . be miserable . so they are to be left with the other g'ma .. and that's the only day she has available to do so.
I will be going on that day trip . and picnic . .and won't be here to attend to dad and stepmom. And not sorry.
I wouldn't be comfortable transferring him into my car, . aside from the point that I disagree with his path he wants to take. Even if I was here in town, I'd be telling the staff to order medical transport and yes . here's his cc # .. and I do have that cc #.
So even if I was in town .. I'd see him transported home in that manner ..
I assume his wish is to have J there on site (assuming she is available that day .. I don't really know, haven't dialed in on the details) .. and she can be on site when he arrives.
Will he be able to navigate the one step up it will take to get into the door of his home? Sure hope so .. not seeing to that detail either. Will throw it out there in conversation with dad, . "Well . ya know . when medical transport brings you home . you do have that one step to get up into your house . and if you're in a wheelchair, . maybe they'll be brute enough to lift ya up that step in the wheelchair .. cuz . there is no wheelchair ramp .. and if not . if you're on a walker .. then . hope you can navigate that one step up to get into t he house".
Will mention it in passing . but am not facilitating that in any respect of .. "no no .. DH .. no son in law, . we must all cancel our plans for the day . you two are brute enough to help my dad get into his house .. should that be needed .. we must cancel our plans and be at the ready in case dad is transported home".
Nope . not worrying with it.
And no, his wife is in no way big enough to handle that task . should be turn out to be any task .. who can say.
No dig intended, it just is what it is.
My State locked down around April 1st for a month...I think...more on that later. This lockdown was done in advance of problems in my community. About a month ago we started seeing a rise in cases. Now our community of 66,000 is in real trouble. 2 hospitals and one Post Acute Medical Center at capacity. No chance to get transferred to a larger metropolitan area for treatment they are at capacity also. So....
As someone mentioned there are degrees of separation from this thing and how you feel about it. First someone you know gets it. Then someone you Love gets it. Then you get it.
Yes, I have it. Yes my DIL has it. We are isolating and recovering at home. No we did not require hospitalization, Thank God!
DIL’s worst symptoms were respiratory. Mine were GI symptoms for FIVE long days. We both had and still have severe fatigue after 2 weeks. I still cannot think my way out of a paper bag. Call it confusion, not able to focus, concentrate, whatever, it is real and it’s not pleasant.
Some folks have no symptoms and just pass the fun along to someone else. Some experience cold symptoms. Some Flu like symptoms. Others worse.
Do masks help? Do they help contain the virus in folks that don’t know they are infected? Do they help control the viral load you intake? Don’t ask me to figure it out or even have an opinion because I am not trusting my brain lately.
According to 2 RN friends the early reports of only obese or diabetics or elderly or unhealthy people are the ones that have trouble is not how it is playing out here. Young, Old, healthy, unhealthy is not making a lot of difference here.
Stay Safe everyone...try not to judge others for being careful or concerned. This thing isn’t over yet and could be coming to a location near you soon.
This is not a hoax. This is not the Flu.
I think I must have missed something. It seems that talk of discharge goes to AL OR 24/7 cg at home. It sound to me like nursing home would be the more appropriate route. Anyone who needs 24/7 care at home is pretty much beyond an AL.
Wishing you strength. Hopefully, you and DH find some time to laugh together. I so understand the road you are walking and no matter how hands off, it is still super stressful. I just went through another move with my sibling because he got kicked out of one of the best Medicaid group homes I imagine exists. I decided not to be presents hired movers and let the chips fall. A whole different story, but suffice it to say, but even with lots of laying down the rails, it was still exhausting just to have that all take up headspace.
And, yes, I am changing the subject:D
I hope the Stupid States don't get a lot of federal monies to clean up their messes (unfortunately, they probably will because of their political party). Maybe it's time for FL to institute an income tax.
For many people, the real threat of covid-19 isn't real until it happens to them or someone close to them. So be it.
We have a somewhat similar (although much much less dire situation, at least for now!) playing out in my state. Although the state as a whole is doing pretty well, my area is surging in cases. While many people are following the rules, one group (younger people!) isn't. Schools will probably be all-online in my area (decisions haven't been made yet). And so they should be. Face-to-face instruction is just part of the collateral damage. It's one group that has ruined it for everyone (and weak government which hasn't enforced the rules the way it should have). The people who didn't believe in the seriousness of this are the same ones who didn't apparently believe in the seriousness of face to face educational instruction (which has been demonstrated by their inability to do critical reading).
It didn't have to be this way.
Rainmom, I sent you a private message.
I just heard the Brazil farmers growing coffee are affected!! Now THAT is dire. OMGlob, I NEED my daily coffee!!!
Here is a little poem (haiku) I wrote for my work mates today;
Today was a poo,
But a poo is better, yes?
Than constipation.
But I am always interested to read your posts, and I hope we can agree to disagree. I am sorry that my words or the way I phrased it maybe came out in a way that came across as harsh and unfeeling to you. We fellow caregivers certainly don't need that! :)
OK Rain. Let's shut down everything then, that way the risk will be zero, No grocery stores, no factories, no manufacturing plants, no farming, no car dealerships, no city halls, no police, no public transportation, no shipping companies, no banks, no trash pickups, no anything,
But wait, only nail salons and water parks carry risks. Yeah, right. Lets blame all the deaths on the parks and salons. BTW, water parks are still closed, but blame them anyway.
The stupid line "We're all in this together." No, we're not. Only those who lose their jobs and have no income understand the stress and the fear of being homeless and hungry.
We're in this together if we all lose our jobs and income. Besides having all businesses stop functioning, all workers fired, the government should stop all Social Security payments to SS recipients, and salary/pensions to government workers during the shut down and see how long before people scream bloody murder. But we will have zero risk, zero death. Yeah right. By then, we will kill each other for food.
Today alone - in the great United States over 73,000 new cases were diagnosed. At 2% that means that over 1,400 people will die. Just from today’s 2% newly diagnosed. For actual deaths from the virus today - over 900. So 900 today and tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and in two weeks the 1,400 from today’s infected.
Then there is the nearly 800 healthcare workers who have died taking care of and being infected by patients with Covid19.
And that’s okay with you all as long as you can go to water parks and nail salons. Right?
”A risk-free life is a life not lived”.
Yeah - that’ll look great on a grave stone.
Don’t bother to chastise me - I’m done here.
98% or higher recovery rate, I'll take it any day, so I can feed my family. Lung damage is a risk, but not everyone who gets infected gets lung damage. From what is known so far, most people recover completely. A risk-free life is a life not lived.
I hope you all had a fun day at the water park!
Why does that anger me? I don't want any entity deciding that mom and pop can't continue to operate their biz with social distancing in mind and act accordingly.
I don't own a hardware store, of course, but I do know what it is to put in the blood/sweat/tears/toils to run a small biz . and to have to shut it down and possibly drive yourself to BK .. because the powers that be mandate it. Nope, they lost me, and a lot who think like me.
Oh and one more piece, rioters and looters, shoulder to shoulder, in the streets .. and many without face covering .. and certainly no appropriate social distancing ongoing. Nope .. not gonna buy in.
I will act accordingly w/regard to going into and out of public establishments and mask up .. as it should be. But . I will not go into a cave and stay there in the hopes this virus goes away. It is 98 some odd percent survivable by most people.
Those who aren't comfortable being out and in the public, . stay home .. those that are comfortable . go for it, mask up to protect others.
Off my soap box.
Yes, I guess it was a good thing I waged those waters in the MIL saga and learned long ago, they will make their reckless decisions . and you just have to stand down and let em. If it means a fall/injury/illness in short order (and it likely would) and the revolving door of hospital to rehab .. lather/rinse/repeat. So be it.
Sounds like now there is entertaining the notion of re-hiring J . the c'giver that stepmom ran off in her assertion "I don't know why we pay someone here, throw good money after bad, I can do it".
There is talk of re-hire for her.
I pointed out to my dad:
1. Dad you don't know what level of mobility you will achieve by the time of that (fluid) discharge date .. if you go home in need of round the clock care, .. then J isn't gonna work .. she can't move in there.
2. You need to be able to ambulate more independently to go home, otherwise respite needs to be your next stop..
3. In using J . she is a private individual paid under the table, . that will never work as to offsetting any of the cost of same, utilizing your LTC insurance
4. You are setting yourself up for liability in the fact you don't do payroll taxes, work comp, etc . she's just a private individual
5. I think stepmom may be agreeing to this thru a haze of her dementia .. ??.... she didn't want her there, now you tell me she is agreeable, expect that to break at it's foundation in short order
6. Do what you want, your decision but the above are pitfalls I see to it all.
So be it.
Learned long ago, they're gonna do what they want.
Green chair won't turn to a red chair.
So .. let me. My only recourse is to decide how much I wanna engage . and not a lot is the answer to that.
He says the death rate hovers at about 1%--while taking this seriously, they drove cross country 2 weeks ago--did a pretty leisurely drive and were just careful and they felt fine about doing so.
Testing is way up, so of COURSE we will see more cases. I know of one guy who routinely traveled to China for work--and got a little sick in March. Then his whole family got sick. All COVID, but nobody was worse off than a bad cold. Of course he cannot travel back to China for the rest of the year--but he was lucky.
My DH is going NUTS working from home. He wants to get out of the state, and go to a jobsite. His boss is looking out for him, but he really, really wants to get away. (From me, in part, no doubt). He has a call into his transplant doc and I am sure he's going to give him a hard NO on travel. He actually asked ME what I thought and I have really mixed feelings. IF he were to be exposed to COVID, he's have to quarantine in a different city for 2 weeks. He's actually willing to do that! I just suggested that he go back into the office a few days a week and see his work pals and let that 'fulfill him'.
Dorker--you're doing great. I think dad is just going to have to take his chances, he wants to go home, the NH thinks he's basically ready (wow, do they have low standards!) and there's nothing you can do.
My guess would be he's last 2-3 days without a major fall or mishap and he'll be right back in the hospital at square one. In fact, kinda plan on it. He has not set up a wheelchair friendly home and won't, in a week. K isn't capable of caring for him---it's just the same mess he left a few months ago.
My hat is off to you for being a part of this farcical setting. Just don't be hotfooting it over there to help unless you TRULY feel you need to.
As always--best of luck.
There seems to be widespread agreement that Florida's numbers are not accurate; the state won't release the raw data. Yes, some folks are saying the virus is being blown out of proportion; several medical experts are saying that the numbers are being minimized.
I checked the number of deaths from 'flu in the US for 2018-19 this AM; there were about 32,400 deaths across the country.
So far, we've had about 135,000 deaths from COVID.
So yes, many more cases of flu each year. But geometrically more deaths from COVID; lower death rate, because the denominator of the fraction is bigger.
My daughter has lost 3 friends in their 30s and 40's.
I've lost 3 neighbors (a man in his 50's, his sister and his mom). He thought it was all a hoax. Another neighbor in his 50s had a stroke; supposedly not COVID related but there was no testing availability at the time in NYC, so we don't really know and won't.
Just saying, glad that you are masking and maintaining distances.
The stepmother I think balked at that notion . and insisted her daughter let her be .. didn't need that. Stepsis dropped it, let her mom be.
Her mom, ... astoundingly enough, .. seems to be doing okay .. relatively speaking. She has her moments, as stepsis defines it .. of not being all that lucid .. dreams .. to her become reality, for instance, . and she has to be talked down off the ledge, so to speak. She gets "confused" .. as in .. let's say she talked on the phone to her daughter yesterday . and the next day she will say to her daughter, 'Well when you were here yesterday". Her daughter then with a response "Mother I wasn't there, . I talked to you on the phone". Her mom, "you weren't here? I thought you were here yesterday", ... her daughter, 'No mother, I haven't been there in a week and a half".
That kinda thing goes on.
But she has done relatively okay on her own there. Maybe the stress of having my dad's care .. undoes her, who knows. She seems to have done better than I'd of predicted.
I know my dad is worried ... (they have an irrigation system) but stepmom dragging hoses around to run the water sprinkler, and tripped on a hose and fell. Dad wants her to use the irrigation system ... but she would opt for moving water hoses/sprinklers around .. as she doesn't know how to operate that irrigation system . and set it up. DH has offered to go set it up for her, but she doesn't want him to. Dad worries, she'll trip and fall again . and next time get hurt. I stay out of it.
I know StepSis can't seem to talk to the CM direct but common sense says ALL the players here need to be in the picture. If I was StepSis, looking out for my Mother (currently living solo) then get no or little notice very ill StepDad was moving back in... I'd be WTF! Just WHO is arranging the on-site care?
The CM has eyes to see Dad can't arrange this himself, yes? Has ears to hear Dorker stating she is not arranging this? Has brain cells that can rationize this is not a safe discharge?
Either Dad will get home & 'take to his bed' as the Irish used to say & be at peace with that.. or fight on with a call to Dorker or StepSis, who will call EMS. Then a bounce back into hospital. IF there are hospital beds available.
Strength to you Dorker.
Had a message yesterday from the site where my dad is, to call them back. Did so at the end of my adventure. The read from there, . the wound care nurse has visited. One pressure sore on a heel is all but healed, the other .. a work in progress, improving, but slowly. The other big issue is the toe wound .. and that one .. still inflamed .. not as badly .. so it too .. improvement (said with caution) being watched. As well as the numerous skin tears.
All this slow healing is due to the occlusion in the femoral artery, which he doesn't wish to proceed with fixing at this point in time. So, healing is going to be slow, lack of adequate blood flow in his legs/feet.
I asked the CM in this phone call, "you were to check on the staging of those wounds, when we last talked, as to how that intersects with his next stop in all this .. to an ALF respite stay . what has been the conclusion?".
CM: "We have changed him to a tentative discharge date of 7/25 .. and that is fluid . .we'll be watching that toe wound, and continuing to work with those issues and revisit the discharge date in further discussion as we move forward".
They noted .. as did my dad in that conversation that they've amped up the PT (what that means I'm not sure) .. and so I guess (I didn't ask) one might infer . that is in the hopes he can go home .. rather than have to continue to work to build back mobility. I guess one waits to see. I don't know. .
As to Covid issues. We are in FL where numbers have ramped up yes .. but we are not in one of the hot spots of FL. Aside from that, .. MO .. a lot of this is driven by politics .. and this is a virus that most . (absent any comorbidity, and that is DD and her kids and myself), is 98.6% survivable. Has been reported in the national media that it's found, specifically here in FL . there has been some cooking of the books as to numbers that aren't as staggering as was originally reported.
We wear masks indoors here ... to run the errands we need to attend to .. we all do. Can't do that at a water park, no. The water park, limiting the number of patrons they admit.
It's inhumane, to keep kids locked in the house for what is now 4 months and counting.
DD and her husband took the kids last month and traveled for a vacation over to the panhandle of FL and stayed in a hotel .. complete with a water park there on site, they all frequented. Went to restaurants, etc.
There are some that aren't' going to live their lives on lockdown . now that we did that, .. as mandated and "slow the spread".
There are hospitals that are in danger of too few ICU beds ... those aren't in our area, .. our area of the state is not a hot spot.
As I said, we do act .. with prudence, as to masks . when going about our day to visit any number of places that are indoors. Not going to live our lives in lockdown for a virus that is better than 98% survivable by most people.
That's the beauty of living in a free society.