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Its understandable, I had a few choice words brewing in my own mind, but had to respond "in love" with getting a point across. Don't sweat it... there are people in this word that will insight without understanding looking to stir the pot. You know what you have done and to the best of your ability. Don't ever let anyone anger over that. You gave your mother what many people are jealous over outside of this community. God bless you for your care!!!
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Dear pkpurs, so sorry to hear about your loss. And I'm sorry you are struggling with thoughts about it. That's probably natural, don't you think? You still talk about smilin. That's a blessing. How's your daughter handling it? Does life feel different for you now? Will you be changing your routines, or lifestyle? Or are you just giving yourself some time and space to adjust and reflect? Here's hoping there's rainbows in your raining days, and flowers blooming under the clouds. I'm also praying you are comforted as you grieve losing your Mom.

I was gone a couple days, and missed the drama, but it saddened me to read all the comments about what occured here. Kind of makes one wonder, because it seems that post was erased. What's really sad is that it's made many people here become very defensive, like they have to explain themselves, and justify their words, and actions. The thought police obviously don't believe in freedom of speech, and want to control it. That's certainly happening in the news and politics. Either that, or someone is feeling convicted about their own thoughts, or angry at themselves or someone else for something, perhaps. Why would one post infuriorate so many people? I know I talked about God on one thread, and got jumped for it. Many people came behind to lift me back up, but once it happens, it does something to you. Made me want to go away and not come back. But it also made me want to defend my position. So instead of venting and feeling relief, I was fighting someone's opinion. It makes people cynical and want to withdraw.

Where do we find "The Wooden Bowl"?
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Dear Anne, Don't you ever feel that you have to defend your faith in God!!! He who does not recognize me I will not recognize him I know I paraphrased that but its as simple as that. Yes who has faith the size of a mustard seed. I am growing mine and will not disobey the Lord. This country was founded on faith and freedom of speech. Yes, I agree we are now supposed to be politically correct, but you know what Jesus wasn't politically correct was He? He had a bigger -plan to carry out.

We who take care of our elders are blessed that God told us what to do He never said take care of your parents only if they have been good to you. Its easy to love someone who loves you . Boy I wish I could have seen that post to.

I am so sorry for your loss pkpurs but every thing has its season. Now it is time for you. You will feel a gamit of feelings, when you think you are over it a memory or someone will remind you of Mom or something she did or say. We all have to live through those days. While there might be those in our own family who selfishly think only of themselves, hurt our feelings, just by not being there to talk to or touch so full of their own life they will get there some day. I am dealing with that on many different levels I feel so all alone but I am not I have God guiding me and Jesus walking next to me.

I suppose I need to send this to my home email so I don't miss anything in the future. I will protect and defend you with all of my heart all of you who have trials and frustration, laughter and pain on this site. I am woman hear me ROAR!
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Dear Neon, you are a very special treasure. Can't tell you how many times you have comforted me, and want you to know how much that means. Thank you. What a special lady and encourager you are to others, as well. I am sorry you feel so all alone. I, too have God and Jesus, and the Comforter beside and in me, but sometimes we just need to see God through someone with skin on, so to speak. You take care, and know you're not alone. We are here for you if you need us. I pray we do not let you down. And pkpurs, our thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care, everyone.

Side note: sorry to post it here, but can't help it. My neighbors lost their beautiful historic Adult Foster Care home last night. All 8 people 2 dogs made it out safely. Thank God for sparing lives. They woke us at 3am to call 911. The whole neighborhood came to be of help.

I spend my share of time talking about, and complaining about, and worrying about my Mom. Today, I have a case of grateful. Thank God my Mom was not in that house, or my husband or son. Today, I don't think I'll complain. Please pray for comfort for Pat and Marcia, and 6 displaced residents. And thank God for what you have today, even in difficult circumstances.
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Dear Anne, It is a comfort to me to know I have comforted you. Prayer, I often wonder about prayer, it can be in the form of singing or just talking to God. he wants our relationship with Him. I take courage knowinging I can be a comfort to those in need. I do as much as I can in my community to do the same.

On your side note how devastating for those that lost their home last night, please know I will pray for them and ask God to comfort them and it is so encouraging to know that people still come together no matter what time of day or night to help those in need. All we see on the news is doom and gloom and those that commit such awful crimes. It is so good to know that there are still a lot of people who will come to the aid of others.

I will not complain either let us start a NON COMPLAIN CHAIN. Look to the beauty that God has put around us especially this time of year with so much pain and pressure that people are feeling. Everyone post something wonderous that you have seen this week or today.

Today I walked outside, It is warm and humid and everything is blooming or going to bloom OH such wonder that God has put here for our enjoyment.

I am not alone I have all of you, I have my church family that I can go to at anytime, only the ones in my family are into themselves, but that is okay I know I have a future after this is over and I am not so sure they do. I try to show by example but am not getting very far. I am planting seeds God will do the rest. I cannot control how someone else feels or acts and I am okay with that. But I find that more and more I am becoming a solitary person. Doing what I am expected to do with a smile even tho inside it hurts sometimes and doing what I can for others that I don't even know. I need to go I have some things to do to encourage others and make a difference. When I leave this world there will have been hearts I have touched that will remember some will be unconsolable because they will know they did not do their best while I was here. They will have to deal with that. I live my life so my conscience is clear and my heart is full for anyone who needs a part of it. God Bless all of you today and don't forget our Chain. Smile at someone who just looks through dead eyes maybe they will see you and you will make a difference.
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I started a thread called, "Count Your Blessings." Don't want to or mean to minimize the difficulties you are facing. I know it's hard. But things could be worse. Hug your MaMa while you can. Smile at Dad while able. Thank God for food and shelter, friends and so much more. Go be a blessing to someone today.
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Neon you are such a blessing and I think the non complains chain is a good idea but I know I need your advice and support and hope you will remain with us I am struggling to know if I an=m doing the right thing going forward. And we who believe that Jesus is our savior are very encouraged that there is more for us than this world which can be vey cruel someday we will be in a good place with no tears and no broken down bodies and you are go good for me to remind me of this I tend to get brought down with the problems of now and forget to look forward to what is waiting for us please pray for me and continue to give me support and by doing that I will be able to pay it forward to others I usually feel that I am so wreched I am no help to others and can hear God say YOU THINK ANYONE TAKES YOU SERIOUSLY you are such a sinner.
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Dear Austin, you are a dear lady. Let's just get this straight: Satan is the accuser of the brethren, not God. Satan accuses
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Hi Austin, We can only keep trying, I am just now experiencing yet another mother-o-gram, rearranged my entire day haven't even taken time for lunch so I can get her to dfacs to get her piddly little bit of food stamps I walk into the house she is nowhere to be found she's in bed with diareahha she can't go well see this is the thing she thinks I can take care of all these things and she doesn't have to lift a finger, well fiddledeedee I'll think about that tomorrow. I don't know why I keep trying If I could cry I would just bust out in tears I always feel used and since she's decided not to move she even eats all her meals in her room so I have just decided that is fine I am leaving her to her own devices. These are the things that put us in a funk and than we have to start over I am so glad I can now I have to get my attitude back where it was and calm down trying to work for three other people in my department at are out and I am stressed so I think its time to walk outside with a glass of "sweet" tea and have a smoke yes see I am still struggling with that one but right now it is my crutch, I want to hand it over to God but am not able to I am working on that and until I can get into my own envrionment where I can focus I am not ready. yes, Austin someday we will be in a good place and like JOB I have my doubts about myself as you do but we are capable, I try to take my advice as his friends told him to do but Satan is lurking everywhere and we must absolutely tell him to get behind us go away Thats what makes us falter we know what to do and he laughs at us when we fall. But one day he to will be where he is supposed to be and stay there. Jesus I pray that you will help all of us who are in need of your gentleness, understanding and kindness. Please help Austin, Anne, Mitzi, Naus and everyone who posts here to know we can count on you to get us through yet another day. Thank you so much for the blessings you bestow on us, thank you for the answered and unanswered prayers, as God is so much bigger than us. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

I have a cat actually three, when they are down on the floor rubbing against my leg I liken it to us being little as they are and us being to them so large as God is and trying to get Gods attention not knowing we already have it.
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Austin, I wrote a loooooong post, but it went away. Satan is the accuser of the brethren and a liar. So don't listen to what he says, thinking it's God. He is only the god of this world, and knows just what it takes to put you down. You know that, having been through so much. Forget the loud accusing voice, but listen to the still small one. Jesus loves you. You are righteous because of him. You are his, and you are a saint. Push every other thought aside, and read I John 5:13 for assurance. Read some promises and Psalms, and ask God for help. He will. We are praying for you, and love you. You've been through so much, and Satan loves to go after the weak and weary ones, but Jesus is our rock and sure foundation. If God be for us, who can be against us? It's just a shadow. Shine the light of Jesus (truth) on it, and it seem as dust. There's shelter under the shadow of God's wings. Bless you, sister. Be gentle with you, cuz Neon's right.
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Good thought for today. Yes it has been raining for DAYS!!!!!!!!!!! But, it should bring some really beautiful flowers. Got a new caregiver for Tuesdays for mom and she was great. Good thought #2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lovingdaughter
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Lovingdaughter, now there's a praise! Good for you. Take care and enjoy those flowers! :)
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My brother just showed up for mothers' day and showed us the pictures of the addition he is putting on his house. Think he will have visit for a week or so????? He is doing it so that his Mother in law will move in, yet he hardly comes to visit his own mom. Sad isn't it!
lovingdaughter
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Dear loving daughter, you are a sensitive soul. I take it you and your brother have different values. So sorry for your pain. It's not a pretty world sometimes. Family is often the worst! Yes, there's lots of sad things. Sad is thinking we can have good relationships with people who don't care a whit about us. That's sad. Take care of you.
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Lovingdaughter, this is truly sad. It looks as though your brother's wife may run the show, thus her mother moving in. But he could at least make an effort to help his own mother (and you). Family dysfunction brings so much sorrow. Do try to, as Anne says, "take care of you."
Carol
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Dear loving daughter, I mean no harm or disrespect in what I am going to say because I am dealing with a brother who won't even call his mother or me for that matter and the relationships are totally different. But sometimes and not all men are like this I know that but sometimes men have to be told what to do as they do not have that nurturing although I've seen some men more caring than woman. In my case my sister in law runs her household and I am sure if the time came when her mother needed care she would move right in, several years ago when my mother said if she ever had to live with one of us she chose my brother why I don't know but that is her favorite you know the one out of sight. But my sister in law said absolutely no way. Maybe your brother is in that situation and he does have to live with his wife. I feel your pain I too am too sensitive for my own good thus depression too much of the time. I should just let things be what they are and go from there but my mind is always it could be this way and wouldn't that be ice yi yi yi you can make yourself nuts and I'm pretty sure I am 90 percent there. We can't make people love us and who knows in their way maybe they do but there will come a day when the light bulb will go off and they will say i wish I would have done this or this and guess what it will be to late so do what you know is best and shake them off they are not going to be anything more than what they are. You are growing in wisdom and knowledge that is a good thing. We love you its not the same as a warm hug and face to face contact, wouldn't it be nice to have our own little convention somewhere when this is all over for us and have a long weekend to meet each other face to face? I think so. Than you would all know what you mean to me.
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Yes, a gathering would be so nice! To meet people face to face : )

Acceptance is often the only way to peace. We don't have to like what is going on, but we can learn to accept it as fact and then move on. Good advice, Neon.
Carol
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Carol, you encapsulate things so well. Neon, count me in for the convention.
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Thanks everyone!
My sister in law is really very good with my mom. If it weren't for her, we would never see my brother. However, she does defend him when I get upset. I needed to go to the hospital to sit by my husbands bedside at night to make sure he got the care he needed. My brother would not come and stay with mom because he said it was too dangerous!!!!!! He was afraid he might hit a deer at night!!!!!!! So, I never ask a thing of him. If you don't ask, you can't be disappointed. That comes from the ancient Eastern religion course I took in school. It has its merits. My brother is the result of my mom babying him and he is the oldest. I tell her" you reap what you sow" Thanks to you all. Just name the time and place. It would be very nice to meet and talk as a group. I feel we are all over the country though. Have a good day. It has finally stopped raining and I am going to plant some flowers.

Linda
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I had the same problem. My mom was on Medicaid. I kept her in my home long enough for that. She had dimentia and was not very grateful and very demanding. It was too much for me. Anyway I did some reasearch and was able to get her covered under the Committee Based Medicaid Waiver program that allows her to live in an approved assisted living facility. I was able to find a personal care home/assisted living facility that is very nice. They took medicaid and she pays the balance with her pension and SSI dollars. She has friends and is happier and not nearly as demanding.

Is your mother eligible for Medicaid? She would have to have less than $2000 in the bank. Depending on the level of care needed you should be able to get in home caregiver support. I was able to get 40 hours per week while I waited for her to get on the waiver program. It was helpful but I did have difficulty finding caregivers who were willing to work for such a low amount and my husband was not happy with outsiders in the home.

My mom had dimentia and alzheimers so she was up during the night and I was worried. Finally we put a door in the hallway so she had one bedroom to sleep in, one that was a sitting room where I left the TV on and a bathroom. I also would leave a snack tray and a small fridge with snacks so she had everything she needed and I did not have to worry about her wandering outside while I slept.

When they live with you they will demand everthing. When they go to a home they will be grateful for your visits. One option is to find out if you can get respite care and take her to a home for a weekend. Just say you are going out of town. That is what I did to get a break sometimes.

It is very hard and I was dealing with the Guardianship Courts and legal nightmares as the same time. Still not fully recuperated.

The Good new is that they are going to pass the Community Choice Act and that should help. You do not owe your life to you parents. So take care of number 1. It took years of my life when I didn't.

Hope this helps a little and I did not ramble too much.

Latifa
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Latifa, you didn't ramble at all! You gave several very valuable pointers. Thanks so much for posting.
Carol
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Latifa, thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope with us. That helps newbies through the rigors of the process. Wow! Sometimes I'm amazed at what it does to us emotionally. I tell you what: THANK YOU for your stories, ladies about your mothers (and fathers) living with you, and the difficulties you have with that. I am so glad I listened, and so glad I did not choose that path. 200 miles distance was alright, except the lack of oversight as a caregiver. I'm thanking the Lord she's only 1 mile away now, and extremely grateful she does not live with me!!! That would be too too too too much to bear. I listened, than got an apartment for Mom. Now I don't have to undo anything, cept her constant complaining. Fat chance! LOL
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LSRING -how did you get her on medicade with out giving up her pension- in our state I was told they will take my husbands pension his SS his life insurances except I will get some of his pension or SS because my pension and SS will be less then is allowed for a spouse and I did not know you had to get your own aides because the meicare agency- we only have two in our county always told us if he got medicade we would get 40 hrs a week care for him at home but did not tell us we had to get the aides ourself because here the private aides get 16 and up an hr and the agencies get between 17 and 25 an hr. our accountant is going over our financies and thinks we might qualify for medicade and the husband wants to stay in our home but with my health I would need 8 hrs a day-you have given me something to think about which I appreciate since my head is swimming with all this stuff-the husband is no help to he he is too busy being THE PT'.
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Many states have a Medicaid Waiver that helps with the cost of care. Each state will be different, but if you have someone on Medicaid, type in your state name and "Medicaid Waiver" and see what comes up. You may get some funding for inhome care in that way.
Carol
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I so understand where you are all coming from. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer 2 1/2 yrs. ago. I started out driving to her home 1 1/2 hr. away and staying with her a few days a week, taking her to her oncologist etc...It became too hard raising two kids and being out of town that much so we decided to move her here. She has been here over a year and it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I am an only child and she is resentful of being sick and EVERYTHING is my fault. I am exhausted. She insisted on going to the same oncologist so we are on the road a lot. My husband is fed up, I'm always worn out and crabby. She is always crabby and ungrateful. She told me today that I have never done anything for her- the past two weeks I drove her everyday out of town for radiation...EVERY day. I have two wonderful and very active children. She is threatening to move home, she CAN'T care for herself and she doesn't want to stay here because I am so "awful" and she won't spend the money for in house care or a nursing home. Anyone else feel like they were trying to make the right decision and be a good Christian and then realize that your whole world is crumbling around you???
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my dad died back in 2001 and mom came to live with us in another state because my drug addicted brother was in the house and everyone kept saying, what are you going to do with her. It has been a big adjustment but she is fiercely indepentdent and in reasonable health. Problem is her mouth, she is very mean to me and my youngest child. She says hurtful ugly things to us. My husband is not home for months at a time because he is a soldier so she just is majorly abusive when he is gone. Last night I told her that we were going out of town and she could stay with a friend ( which were her screamed and cursed instructions when she believed we had left her alone overnight before) and she went totally off, she said I had never cared for her, didn't know why I brought her here and didn't care what I did, went nothing. She said I never take her feelings into consideration when I bend over backwards to accomodate her. Everytime I pick something that concerns my daughter she gets angry and hateful and spews all this on me. she is 84 years old, no dementia, no altzheimers no diabetes, little hypertention, major gastrointestinal problems. I really want her to move out. I avoid going home and I feel like I am neglecting her because I choose not to deal with her to much. I feel horrible. like a failure, a bad daughter which really is what she thinks of me anyway.
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hello sisters_0_mine, Mine did the same thing soon to be 83 always been that way most ungrateful person I ever met but everyone is supposed to bow down to her. Well I had enough so about 6 weeks ago or so I got a application from an apartment complex and some boxes told her to fill out the application and start packing. She was shocked. The next day she said i thought about all last night in her poor pitful voice mind you and I think I would be better off staying here. Soooo long story short said fine, thats what I brought you hear for (moved her and dad from another state 3 yrs ago) dad died 2 yrs ago. But you will respect me in my house you will not be hateful to my son and I will not be your slave until you can't do anything for yourself. As long as you are able and I know you are you can fix your own meals do your own laundry and if it won't kill you You can help around the house a little bit I am not super woman i have no huge S tattooed on my chest (chest isn't that big anyway) Well now when my husband is home she puts on her show and loads the dish washer and pretends to clean when he isn't home she stays in her room and comes out to make her self something to eat, I have noticed she does her things around my schedule so now all we have to do is say Hi and she can say my mouse or my computer or my icon isn't working once a week, I've tried to tell her to restart her computer and the screen is not the computer but she can't get it, she's never been the sharpest knife in the drawer so I restart it she moved her tool bar to the side of her pc and I have just left it there, this works for me and when she can't do it anymore guess what ladies in the nursing home she goes. I am a good daughter, I am a good person and I am not a failure, I have done for her all my life she has nothing to do with her other kids well I should say theyhave nothing to do with her but they are the best kids she did call my sister finally the other day and told my sister she hurts so bad that sometimes she cries well I have yet to see it she shops like she's in a game show how much can you get in your shopping cart so your little daughter can lug it into the house for you and you can go whew oh my back. Give yourselves a break girl if they don't want to live there let them go you can't make them change and they don't want to my mother in law once told me when I was introducing her to some of her lady neighbors after my father in law died one lady said we can catch the bus and go on a sat and shop and have lunch I said that will be nice she looked at me and said thats what I have her for I just looked at her and said you didn't give birth to me. LOL Don't let it get you down being a Christian is one thing being a doormat is another you have to pick the door mat up once in awhile an shake all the stuff out of it that gets lodged in. Take care of you don't neglect you It doesn't matter what they think of you they can think it in your own house.
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thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I have been reading other threads and I am so happy to see others with the same problems I don't feel so alone anymore. I am really happy I found this place.
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lisaanne,
Boundaries!!!!!!!! That seems to be my battle cry. Set them and stick to them. Don't be abused by the one you are caring for. It works for me. I just hired more help so that I have the summer to enjoy. If you don't honor yourself, no one else will! Good luck
linda
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Lisaanne, you've come to the right spot. There is a lot of wisdom in these threads. Specific advice is often very wise. However, the biggest boon is breaking the isolation. You are not alone, as you can see. And lovingdaughter is right. Boundaries. The sooner done, the better. It's always harder to backtrack.

Carol
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