I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Elaine,
So glad to hear that you have turned the corner in your life and that of your mom's life. It is such a hard decision and it is so good to see it work out for you. Hope we all have your success. God Bless
Linda

I know I'm responding to a post from 2008 but it heped me feel better about my decision not to be taken in by or manipulated my MIL. She "plays" weak and wants me to run after her and when I'm out of earshot, she talks very hateful about me and is now starting on on my granddaughter who is 8 years old! I keep looking for signs of dementia or depression and can't find any.... she's just plain mean!!! My husband saus she's always been that way... I always try to look for the good in everyone, but when she plays such mean spirited mind games, like saying really nasty things about me or my grandbaby to a family memebr, then call ME to say "I told Jane something but I was just testing her to see i she will tell you, because I aked her not to" In whose world is asking a child to keep secretes from her mom a good thing??
But Jane DID tell me and my MIL didin't just "say something" she ranted for 30 minutes about me and my grandbaby!!
Should I confront her? if anyone reads this, please let me know if I should just forget it. I have even thought of putting a recording devise on my phone so my husband will see for himself how different she is with me then with him... or maybe play it for her doctor???

Dear SusieQ, that is a tough one.  But you need to put your immediate family first.  And that does not include the MIL.  This can destroy relationships, especially if there is nothing medically wrong, and only mental.  But are you sure there is nothing medically wrong?  Usually this is the attitude, if something is wrong medically. I just know with my dad, I thought he was just turning mean in his old age, but the dementia didn't show itself medically first, only mentally, and friends and family did not see this until much later. Because of this, it destroyed friendships and family relationships.

Dear Elaine, I am so happy to hear your story. It turned out just like my dad's, with a happy ending so far. But there are many more chapters to come. You take care, and enjoy being the daughter again. I am too.

You all take care, and bless you all.

Dear Elaine, I can relate totally. I figured Mom had Dementia, but then again, she's always been mean. She drank and smoked and did prescription medications heavily, too, so I thought that is contributing. We had her tested over and over, still no one was convinced it's Dementia. She even had herself tested for "memory" issues. She's 73. Finally, her new Geriatrician referred her to a Geriatric Assessment Speciality Clinic, who diagnosed her as having a Serious Personality Disorder. Something my sister and I observed as children, but no one would listen to us. Her primary care physician said he thinks there's some Dementia, too. No matter, Mom is still very mean, backbiting while I'm out of earshot, and divisive. "Always has been..." Unfortunately, I am my mother's Guardian and Caregiver. I'm hiring done what I can, and trying to establish healthy boundaries. Those are my tactics at present. She's being treated for Depression, too, but we've seen no positive changes in Mom, yet.

SusieQ made some good points. So what to do? Get medical support, and protect yourself and little one, as a loving mother would, perhaps limiting your contact, unless absolutely necessary. It's a rough road, but not impossible. We can be loving and firm, without being destroyed in the process. We don't have to succumb to their level. Why allow a vindictive person sway with our precious and vulnerable emotions? Practice makes perfect. Prayer helps. Take care :)

I really get the mean thing that you mentioned, SusieQ,. My MIL was just like that. One day I asked my daughter, who was 7 at the time, to call her grandma and thank her for the card she had received. When my MIL got on the phone she said to my daughter that all she wanted to do was die!!!!!!! I told MY daughter to go to the kitchen and that she probably heard her wrong. I got on the phone and told my MIL that if she ever said anything like that to my little one again, she would not only never see her again, but that she would never even hear the sound of her voice!!!! It did the trick, she behaved herself; however, I never let them be together in the same room again without supervision. She was mean, but I was determined!!! Protect your family first!!!
Linda

lovingdaughter, as far as a special place in heaven for us... I'm already a child of God and I know that I need do nothing else except love God unconditionally. If it was by works and deeds, there would be a huge list of other caregivers ahead of me. Beautiful thing about heaven, we're restored!! That's a benefit I love! ;)

SecretSister, she had an accident about 13 years ago that left her with an undiagnosed closed head injury. Long story short, she's been dizzy ever since. Some days worse than others. That is a reality. However, she she has always lived in a selfish all about me world and now dad cannot balance her like he once did (due to Alzheimer's) she's just outlandish with her behavior and hypochondriac ways. All I do is make sure everything is provided for and financially cared for and she can live in her own perfect misery while physically healthy. Although her new "hypochondriac" behavior is that she believes the dizziness is due to a brain tumor... oh I'm just so not going there!! :X

Elaine62, that is exactly why there are now assisted living facilities and other options for seniors that never used to be there. I am so glad to hear things are working out and you can take care of you now and enjoy her even more. What a blessing that is!

SusieQ, just thought I'd let you know that I tried the recording thing. My Mom got so bizarre that she was accusing me of all sorts of things, calling the police, legal services, and telling doctors that I was abusing her. That's all I heard from her for months...until I started recording (to protect myself) and prove my point. I also told her I was recording every conversation, which made it completely legal. She complained that she didn't like me recording her, so I told her that her behavior, verbal abuse and lies warranted it, and it was my proof against her false claims. Even though she was declared "Incapacitated" 1-1/2 year ago, it took a her hitting my sister (yet again) and a physician's diagnosis of PD to confirm my observations. That's really a sick game to play with someone who is trying to help a truly incompetent individual. Why do they hurt the ones who try to help? I bristle when she turns on the sugary stuff with my little boy. I don't trust anything she says or does, because she lies to anyone who will listen. The manipulation is a horribly sick mind game. And she doesn't have yet have the "Dementia" excuse. Sad :( I am very watchful when she's around my son, with a doctor, or any person in authority. She lies just to get her way [with me], as some sort of leverage and fear tactic. She denies her lies, but I have recordings of the truth on tape. I record every word she says.

Thank God for this site, and those of you who taught me not to let Mom move in with me (though knew better). You let me know I'm not a "bad" person for placing Mom elsewhere, and that I don't have to feel "guilty" about it. Glad to know I'm not alone. Thanks Naus, Mitzi, Linda, and all the rest of you wonderful Caregivers.

Mitzi, faith vs. works. That's a great distinction. Thank you. Your Mom's had headaches for 13 years? I'd complain, too! Can't anyone help her? My Mom has headaches, as well. We're still working on that, and her behavior that's undiagnosed. Thank God she can live alone, with a little assistance. I couldn't bear to be under the same roof again. How about you, Mitzi?

I was thinking, I don't understand when people tell me my mother is "lovely." Are they being kind, blind, or lying? It's a puzzle.

Its not headaches. Its dizziness resulting from a gash that she received that was over her eyebrow 13-14 years ago. They never properly diagnosed her with a vestibular injury from the accident because they just saw a gash instead of a possible head injury. Don't even get into a lawsuit about such a thing because that's a whole other drama no one has that kind of patience to read a novel over that stupidity regarding that and the accident that caused it.

Also don't let her fool you because she also used to walk and do all sorts of things even with the dizziness for approximately 8 years or so with the dizziness. She only declined after dad had his stroke and that's when the behavior accelerated worse because dad could no longer defend himself.

When mom was admitted to the hospital upon her admittance to the assisted living that's when they discovered and diagnosed her with Severe Major Depression (where she was suicidal and starving herself literally). She was at that time paranoid and delusional and when I saw her in the hospital it was awful to see her mentally unstable at that point. She even grabbed my arm and said, "Come on I'm going home with you." My FIRST response was, "Oh no you're not.... the hospital needs to take care of you first."

My response is still, "Oh no you're not!!!" I can't even stand to be with her for 10 minutes. Literally I go to see them once a week and drop stuff off, and her "good" days are over for now in the cycle and she's starting with the dizziness is caused by a brain tumor crap... before it was throat cancer (tested relentlessly ... NOTHING!) When I drop off, I'm there for maybe 15 minutes. Dad can't hold a conversation and walks off, mom is miserable and figuring out ways she can get my phone number... no way, want no part of it. I can guarantee I do whatever it takes to keep her well taken care of.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention she doesn't have my phone number and the AL has orders not to give it to her because when she was home she called me 15 times a day screaming at me, insulting me, begging me to quit my job, etc and there was nothing wrong. I even told her Friday, "Absolutely not! You are not calling me crying wolf. I'm done. If there's an emergency the staff here is well trained to provide and take care of you immediate and call me if necessary. You are not getting my phone number." All I can say... whoa was she ticked! Too bad.

Oh and when people tell you she's "lovely", that's part of the facade she's made for herself. Trust me my mom has a face for every environment. There are people who have come to me and apologized for believing what they have all these years. They had no idea... LOL (yeah) LOL

Sorry, Mitzi. I misread the dizziness for headaches, and there is a difference. My mistake. Guess I'm distracted by the similarities of my Mom ~ and by pure fatigue. Please forgive.

Well, thank God there's no brain tumor or throat cancer. Sounds like they have enough to deal with; and you, too. So, (correction): dizziness for 13 years?! That seems outrageous. Doesn't sound like much of a life for your Mom or Dad. What do they think of the ALF? How does your Dad do there with his Alzheimer's? Is he still navigating his way? Does your Mom help him with ADLs? Or does the facility provide assistance? Who does their meds? Is your Mom better to him than to you? Don't know why I'm curious. It's such a sad way to grow old...all miserable and feeble. So sad :( and there's so many like that...

Tell me about how you're getting along with the grieving part of the Alzheimer's and mental decline. I can really understand the avoidance necessary to maintain personal sanity. On the flip side, I have a longing for relationship with my parents. (I mean a healthy one.) It's a natural desire, I believe. And one that cannot be fulfilled. So I quote, "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up." Psalm 27:10

I relate this to my Mom at times: "Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty." Psalm 27:12 This is not a pretty thought when it comes to a mother. I try to overlook her sharp tongue and haughty look, but I struggle with it daily. (Not in unforgiveness, but due to the relentless battle that rages in her soul against others.) It repulses me and makes me want to flee. So I understand limiting time with an offender. I'm sure they long for us as well, but it's hard to bridge the gap when there is so much angst and animosity present. "The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit, who can bear?" Proverbs 18:14 Sometimes it makes me cry.

Sorry to end like such a downer, but this isn't the "Count Your Blessings" site. No matter my age, or responsibility, I cannot deny my longing for a loving mother. (And it's painful to admit I lack any good thing.) Thanks for reading such woeful prose.

Just because a person happens to be a blood relative does not mean you are obligated to live with them or even have a close relationship. I have several relatives I don't particularly like - I just "tolerate" them.

Sharing DNA does not imply committment, especially when the relative is manipulative. There are also "personality" conflicts that may never be resolved. Some people are just like oil and water.
We should not feel guilty about it.

I did not have a "loving" mother either. In fact, our relationship was pretty warped. I had to learn to "get over that" and realize that the myth of the close mother-daughter relationship is not supported by reality, especially when one of them employs manipulative behavior to get what she wants out of the relationship. It's not a healthy situation for anyone.

You mother is clearly being manipulative - don't fall for it!

My mom is not old, she is only 62 but day after day I listen to the stories that she feels bad and how badly she feels, she stops me all the time and tells me same stories that i've heard many times already. I love her and respect her because from my early childhood she was great mom. But what to do now? She is annoying me. I do not offend her and that is why I drop off all the things that I had to do and listen to the same stories and advices. Moreover I take care for my grandfather (her father) who has dementia and have to listen to her "how to" things instead of help. Oh, God...

You got it right, Dragonflower, and put things in perspective. Guess my learning curve is great, because I haven't mastered the art of "getting over," yet. Thank God not all our relationships are like that! I appreciate your practical approach. Thanks.

Dear vividnew, how refreshing to hear about a great Mom. Repeating the same stories over and over? Has she been tested for memory loss? Curiously wondering why are you, and not she, caring for him? Does she have poor health? Maybe she would be less annoying if she were helping, instead of telling you what to do. Sounds like you have your hands full. Will say a prayer or two for you. Take care.

Gosh! I feel so bad for some of you, who haven't had the loving mother/daughter relationship. And then I feel sorry for myself because I did, and miss my mother so very much, who died at age 51. I'm sorry, I shouldn't deprive you of your venting, but I feel jealous that you still have your mom's, rotten as they can sometimes be. I see the little old ladies at my dad's ALF, and they seem so sweet, and it makes me miss her all the more. I know this is not the count your blessings thread, but count your blessings that you still have your mothers, and every day is a new day you can try to start over. God bless all you wonderful caregivers, hope I didn't offend anyone.

Please can anyone stop siblings from worrying about money. I had one of my siblings to say that is is all "about mother's money". I always thought it was about mother. she is clean, fed health and happy nd have everything that she needs or wants. You never know how much it cost to care for someone until you get them in your home and expenses come out of the wood work. "Enough is Enough". "It's time for mother to go". I told my siblings to come get her. They want me to save her money and spend our money to take care of her. Have anyone found the free nursing home because I have a person for them? I love my mama but its time for me to go so I can get my life back and hopeful my siblings will find the free nursing home.

Thanks for listening

It is hard to find free nursing home with sufficient service. Good care nursing homes are never for free unless your mother has perfect insurance. Maybe you better hire caregiver? It is not for free but comparing with nursing homes or any assisted living bills it is minimum charge.

Tough love ask each of the siblings to share the cost of her care or spend her money for her care or they can each take her for a period of time and care for her if they do not like that put her in a nursing home on medicaide pending and do not do the leg work yourself since you are involved in her care they can do it or hire a lawyer to do it which will cost about $9000.00 -last years quote. She is their Mom also we teach people how to treat us a mother can raise 10 children but 10 children can not take care of one mother-do not ask them tell them since they do not get it. Home care is so expensive if they want to share the cost of it and since it is your home that is your share of the cost and they could share the cost of her entertainment and transportation

Dear Naus, you haven't offended, but are expressing your heart missing your Mom. So glad you didn't have to deal with a mean one. Many say that after she's gone, I'll miss her, but it's hard to imagine. I won't miss the strife and anger one bit. I can hope all day, (have for over 50 years) but Mom is meaner than ever. Can't appease a tyrant. Sad for her, especially, because she has chosen this path. Meanwhile, we move on, and find joy elsewhere...

Dear hapsadgla, sounds like you need to do an accounting spread sheet, and have Mom contribute to your budget, and factor in the cost of the services you provide. Send them all a copy. Are they expecting an inheritance for themselves at your expense? Don't let them bully you. Or, do the handoff, and see if they come up with a better plan. Often they are blowing smoke while waiting for the goodies. Those who do the least complain the most! Take care of you and your family, and find what works best for you, in spite of unreasonable people. You are a Caregiving angel! Take care.

Good points, vividnew and Austin! (Loved the "10 can't care for Mom" observation!) LOL

Well again she coped just fine until dad's stroke. Her stubbornness went to the other extreme on the scale of "whoa is me" crap. The ALF is beautiful, and Mom is just finally after 10 months or so, finally starting to settle in. We were able to bring many of her things to a nice size apartment, but now she's starting to miss her home, but there's nothing I can do about that. She won't provide for herself and dad can't be in the house. He won't survive without her and mom can't handle him, so regardless of what they think, they need to adjust.

Dad is adapting just fine. He loves to help people. Its in his nature. Administration just loves him. They said he's so happy and makes them smile and laugh. Dad needed the socialization. Mom kept him soooooo isolated. Dad needs help and guidance in doing tasks, but overall pretty independent. He can't hold a "real" conversation with you, but he's happy. That's all that matters. The ALF takes care of dispursing their meds. They order them and distribute. Makes it nice. Mom is relentless with dad. The medtech asked me the other day, "Does your mom always tell him what he's going to eat?" (sigh) Yep, its gotten worse since dad's stroke. So after some lengthy conversation, they decided to just nod and agree with mom and bring dad a full meal with extras. My dad is 6' 5" and only 168 lbs (high metabolism). When he walks, he can MOVE. He does laps around the facility and the girls can't keep up with him. He needs energy so they are going to make sure he gets it. But to get around mom getting upset they have to say the doctor ordered the extra calories or "Oops, the kitchen must have made a mistake." Its ridiculous to be honest.

Grieving.... hhhmmm.... in the past 5 years my dad had a stroke that lead to Alzheimer's/Dementia (however you want to define it), my mother went into decline and hospitalization into geriatric psych units (twice), I've been thrown into the fire learning about taxes, income, financial planning, taking care of a second house, paying an extra set of bills, legal matters, struggles within my marriage, losing my aunt suddenly earlier this year, and three months ago my MIL... now cleaning out things, receiving things from my aunt's estate, cleaning out things of my parents to some degree, organizing, trying to clean out my own house, my husband taking things in from his mother's estate, and then trying to organize it all.... yeah... I can't say I even feel grief yet.

I haven't had time to just grieve. I cry when I can, and I just do. God has to carry me because if it was me... I'm done. That is why boundaries and being guilt free has become so important to me. I've learned/learning that there are more important things in life. I can get buried underneath this all very easily. If people do not like things I do, too bad. I say it to them with grace and "politeness" but in the end, they don't live my life, I don't care typically. I pick my battles when I need to have the energy, but for the most part I just coast one whatever's left and let God carry me the rest of the way.

Of course I long for a relationship with my parent's but its a reality I realize is not going to happen. So I move on. But lately it feels as though I'm losing everyone and everything I'm comfortable with. Literally in every direction and when I think about it I just cry. Whatever period this is in my life, I have no clue, but by the grace of God I'm hanging in and just doing as I can. Eventually a person comes out on the other side.

My Mom lives with me. She is 96 and getting weak. She is weak when I am in the room. I leave the room and then all of sudden she is strong. I am trying so hard for this to be a good situation. But honestly I want my life back. My brother helps once in a while. Other than that I am the main caregiver. I always said I would take care of her but it's not working out. I bodily have to help her at times. Then if I am not around she moves around and needs no help at all. I don't think I can do much more. My back and arms are killing me. Plus I am a hairdresser. I think I am just worn out.

Thanks to all for caring ! I have always been honest with my mother concerning her care and with my siblings that I was not a caregiver and would help support her finincal. but when they started leaving her at their homes for days some times weeks by her self, I stepped in. I first found a 5 star assisted living because at the time I was to college and working a fulltime job. My husband and I helped with the cost of the fee. When fee increase I siblings to help and they refused. One sibling ran up credit cards, borrowed money on her house ;lost the house and the other one is a drinker; both on disability. Then when I had to move her in my home the money drama started. From Adult protective too turning the family against me. They got mad when adult procective service didn't find anything wrong. Since she has been with me I have used an account spread sheet, boxes and boxes of receipts; hired and fired 4 different helper because mother couldn't get alone with them, I dropped out of college, turn down job promotions,take her with us on our wedding annivesaries and switched my work hours from day to nights to be able to take her to appointments and even paid for family cousneling but during the cousnelling session all they did was continue to accuss me of wrong doing. my husband gives up his free time to stay home with her when I have to work at night and he do this and his own mother is in a nursing home. His siblings got together and decided this was best for their mama. The last step is mediator and I am working on that know to end this drama once and for all. She will be in one of their homes or the nursing home. Should I have feel guilty say that and ready for her to move out? What I would give have a day without drama!
Thanks again,
Happy,sad,glad

Wow, Mitzi and Secret Sister, I hope you both can get some down time or a vacation soon. You are both in my prayers. Stay strong

Thanks lovingdaughter.... that's why I always share with people why boundaries are important and do not feel guilty about saying no to people. Too bad they don't understand. I am not responsible for someone not being able to grasp the concept of no or the explanation (if I explain it).

Chin up and God bless!

Hi, lspoon. Being on your feet all day as a hairstylist is a phsyically demanding profession, as is being a caregiver to a 96-year old who is starting to become physically weaker. That must be very hard on you.

Is assisted living an option for your Mom, or, in-home home health care, maybe?

May be good to start looking into those options now while you still have some time. In the interim, it helps to take lots of breaks and slow down. In what ways is your Mom "stronger" when you are not looking?

Sometimes gently saying, "I can only do one thing at a time, and I am a little bit slower," works magic for you as the caregiver, and is something your loved one needs to hear as well. I am never ashamed to admit to feeling that way when I am unable to keep pace as well as I would like to do as a full-time caregiver.

It doesn't get any easier, that's for sure. God bless you in your tireless support of your Mom. Share your feelings anytime. This is a great place to share and to realize that you are not alone in your feelings.

Yes, I keep reminding my mom that I am not as young as I used to be. She has a hard time with that one. So do I!!! I have learned to take as much time as I need for myself and I have set boundaries from day one! Caregiverslight is right, it doesn't get any easier!

I now find myself being the primary caregiver to my parents, Dad is 79 and Mum is 80. We suffered a sudden loss of a brother at 52 - so it is particularly hard for both of them - though he has a family of grown children - it still aches to recollect the events of that fateful day.

I am probably one of few male contributors to this forum (though I note that many have their partners/wives to pen their thoughts as both are collectively looking after their aged parents/parents in law etc.

I have 3 other brothers (one of them stay with us with his wife and kid) and a sister who lives with her own family but contribute to looking after her mother in law who is 83 and had recently suffered a fall and has multiple illnesses too.

While I am single, I can truly empathize the many stories of the sandwiched generation. While in Asia, there is much emphasis on filial duties etc, we are also seeing many instances of family issues regarding care of their elderly parents.

One thing I did recently when my parents were in a strange way, taking turns to be in hospital, I took to writing down my thoughts and recollections of being brought up by them. I know there are many who have had very bad childhood and growing up years with their elderly - I also had my fair share too but overall, I am grateful for many things too - :

(a) they both, only until recently have had good health - and gave us many decades of independence and freedom to pursue our dreams and careers.
(b) they taught us well - especially of how to look out for each other as siblings (we are quite close knit - and in recent years have been in much more communication about our aging parents)
(c) they both love each other much and also traveled to many places in their younger days
(d) they showed us that even with the most serious arguments or fights, they also make up - they kept the family together in its ups and downs.

I tell my sister that I am grateful for the opportunities to do things for them now - having left my corporate job for a lower paying teaching one - after more than 22 years. I cook for them once a week - and I drive them around whenever they need to for doctors' appointments or our Buddhist meetings or gatherings.

I also dread the eventual end - I pray every day that they will be free of unnecessary pain from any illnesses or falls or accidents at home. They had resisted the suggestion of a domestic helper until recently - as I explained that I would not be always available. If and when I do have activities to attend, such as dinners or dates or the gym, I will inform my siblings so that some kind of arrangements can be made to ensure that someone is at home, until our domestic help comes in.

Just some thoughts to share - we are different yet we are the same - in dealing with the cycle of life. Take care !

Welcome,
We welcome the men to this sight. It gives us hope and another perspective. You are very fortunate to have siblings who help and care for your parents. Most of us have experienced the opposite. Keep writing as this site has been a blessing to all of us.
Linda

Dear '62, thanks for reminding us to count our blessings. While i grew up in a very dysfunctional home, it wasn't all gloom and doom and sometimes i forget that.

Welcome Law, Nice to hear some stories from men. We don't hear that very much. You are a good son for all you do for your parents I'm sorry about the loss of your brother. This is a great site to vent or ask questions about anything we pretty much have done it all!!!Keep writing it helps a lot.