I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Baba, you're probably right about abused children growing up with the guilt necessary to take in an elderly parent. We've been conditioned that we're not worth much, always a disappointment, and not very bright. Although I no longer believe that of myself, I still feel the guilt. I think I feel guilt now because I SOOO don't want to live with her. I resent her because we had to buy a bigger house to accommodate our living situation, we have company all the time because they want to visit mother, and I no longer have the freedom to come and go as we wish. Just typing that last sentence makes me feel guilty. I try to cut her some slack because of her age and her circumstance, but I'm so depressed right now that I can't even care.
Take a deep breath and know you are not alone in this. I'm just so relieved I no longer have to deal with my mother. Now on to some insanity of my own choosing! ;)
Marco - Expect tours to last approximately two hours, including lunch or breakfast if you're an early bird. Talk to other residents because some of them will love to you about the place. If no one wants to talk to you, that's probably a red flag.
Guilt is not rational. I think you know that. You need to do what is best for mom. You have determined that she needs to move so that's what's best. Your mother needs to be around other people her age. Unless you have always been a multigenerational household, this is not how most people are used to living nowadays.
Also, guilt is not an option. You need to do what's best for your mother which may be that she needs to be around peers and have professionals to care for her. Most households need two working adults and so no one home can stay home to care for the elder. In these cases, nursing homes may be the best choice for elders who need a lot of care.
I'm aware that there are still communities with terrible nursing homes. This usually is due to lax state laws. People need to pressure states to offer quality help for seniors. That, in turn will help everyone.
Take care,
Carol
What I would do if I were you is wait for the next crisis, 911 call, hospitalization, etc. and use that as the occasion to talk to your parents about their future. Tell them that it's getting to be too much for you and you would like to help them find a senior residence where their care needs would be met. I can imagine it won't be easy and you may get a lot of push-back. Make it clear that you will be around and won't be abandoning them.
This is a tough, tough situation. The typical course of events is that the parent becomes more and more needy and dependent on the adult child for care, while the adult child is becoming more and more exhausted and frustrated with the limitations that caregiving has imposed on them. It's one thing to care for someone who is getting better. It is another to be locked into the needs of someone who never improves but inexorably declines over time. I feel for you. I hope you are able to work this out and get some freedom soon.
Thanks for letting me vent. It has been a rough week.