I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

My mother is determined to live with me or my sister but there is no way I will agree to this. She is 90 and lives alone

My mother is determined to live with me or my sister but there is no way I will agree to this. She is 90 and lives alone, but now says she can no longer do so. She has always been determined to live with one of us since my dad died but I told her years ago that I don't want anyone else living with my husband and me. I suffer from agoraphobia and although I go out shopping, etc. with my husband I am always glad to get back home as my home is my refuge where I can relax. I don't honestly enjoy my mother's company, though my husband and I visit her every week, do her shopping, mow her grass, etc. She comes here to stay at times, but only for a few days and I am always so relieved when we have our home to ourselves again.

My sister would be prepared to have her on a monthly basis, ie one month with her and then a month with me, but there is no way I could contemplate having my mother staying here for more than a few days at a time. Of course, my sister goes on about being prepared 'to do her bit', which sounds as though she's implying I'm not doing mine. I've told her it's not negotiable, but she's the type of person (just like my mother) to go on and on and on. I've also been diagnosed with recurrent labyrinthis, which makes me feel dizzy and nauseous but neither my mother nor my sister are even interested enough to ever ask how I feel. My husband has a double hernia which gives him pain and is waiting for an operation for it but again this is just ignored.

I AM prepared to do my best for mother, short of having her live here for weeks at a time. I am prepared to help her find suitable sheltered accommodation and to visit as often as possible, but she is quite determined to do no such thing. She has an iron will where her own wishes are concerned and wouldn't be at all worried about anyone else's happiness or health provided she got what she wanted. She implies we owe it to her to be her carers and tries to make us feel guilty if we put our wishes ahead of her own. IMO this is a type of bullying - I hate saying that, but it's what I think.

Sorry for going on, but it's such a relief to rant!

Dimsie Stand you ground. If you told her a long time ago, then she knows how you feel and what your wishes are. It amazes me how much energy the little old people can exert trying to get their way. So your sister is implying you aren't doing your part----Oh well, if they won't listen to you then let her imply until she either gets it that you mean business or until she ends up with your mother permanently. Only you can make choices that are best for you. I am sorry you are talking to deaf ears, and it is adding to your other problems, but hang tuff. My dad could manipulate my oldest sister and it was weird to watch. He could pout and shout , cry and be pitiful and he knew that wasn't going to work on me. my sister fell for it time after time. But I ended up with the majority of his care, but it was a choice I made. But if you can not then good for you for standing up for yourself. Just keep posting and we'll help you thru the rough times. In my thoughts-------

lindam, you are so right about the energy exerted! Makes me smile to read that in your reply. Dimsie, I agree with lindam. You have been clear in your position from day one and no one can force you to do otherwise without your consent. If your sister wishes "to do her share," given your clear statement over the years, let sis know that her share is everything she wishes to take on as a caregiver to your Mom. Sharing is very therapeutic for me, too. Take good care of yourself.

Dear Mary,

I have never heard of the hospital stay in order to be admitted into a nursing home. I have always known it is easier to put them in one straight from the hospital. I know we have put my dad in one a couple of times when my mom was sick and it wasn't from the hospital. Who told you that was the only way it could be? Did the nursing home say this? And is the nursing home she was in to begin with?

I know a little about elder law, but I am sure like the other say, make up something to get her in the hospital and then tell them she will no longer be coming to your home, she will be going to the nursing home because you are unable to care for her.

Take care of you,
Marylynne

When someone goes to a nursing home directly from a hospital, Medicare pays for a certain number of days (it was 20, but may have changed). But there's no prerequisite for someone having to be in a hospital before they can be admitted to a nursing home. Most people aren't.

Many nursing homes have waiting lists, however, and may have a designated room for someone coming out of the hospital, but no other rooms available. There are laws they have to follow.

The person going into the home will need certain medical things signed by their doctor, likely, so the nursing home knows they don't have TB or something. But there should be no requirement for a hospital stay, at all.
Carol

Hello everyone,

I have not wrote in a while because things with dad being in new apartnment had been going so good, he was doing things for himself and not calling every 5 minutes for things. So I have been so happy he is doing good and I am going on vacation on Friday for 11 days. So, we were christmas shopping yesterday for the kids (my nieces, his granddaughters) and we get parked at Sears and he gets out of the car and all of the sudden he falls. I have to call 911 and sit in the hospital all day long. He broke 2 ribs. My husband told me to be careful with him that morning before I took off because when we go on vacation or don't pay enough attention to him something always happens. Now this--I got him home and you know nothing can be done for ribs except live with the pain. So he has called me 11 times this morning

MLV
In our state you have to be in a hospital for 3 days in order to go to rehab in a nursing home under medicare- I have told docs this and most will agree to have him there for 3 days. Also he has to be home 60 days until he can go back to mrehab after a 3 day stay the last time he had to go home from the hospital because he had been in the hospital 3 times durnihg the 60 days, and it does not matter that I have injuries myself and should not be taking care of him now- I really need help myself and my fractures may not heal because of his care needs.

Hi,
Does anyone know, my dad fell and now with all his other problems he is unable to care for himself. Can I put him in rehab for a few weeks at least until his pain is less. He never heals because of Diabeties and His arm and sholder never healed from an injury that he had 4 surgeries on. He is in so much pain I cannot sit with him 24/7, what can I do? How do I ask for help? Where do I start?

THaniks

alicemb,

You start by calling an ambulance and putting him in the hospital. Then you demand from there that you cannot take care of him until he is out of severe pain. Ask for the social worker at the hospital and discuss your options with her, but you need to get him in the hospital first and foremost.

Love,
Marylynne

Where is his Dr.??? If he has had a recent injury and a hospital stay, he is eligible for a nursing home for a specified amount of time. After that, he will be reevaluated for additional time. This is all covered. What they are looking for is improvement. If , let's say, two more weeks in a rehab will improve his condition, then he gets to stay 2 more weeks. If it is determined that he is as good as he ever will be, then he is made to leave or, if he has assets, or is determined to have Medicaid, he becomes a permanent residents. That is how it goes in my state.

In MO you have to be in the hospital for at least 3 days for Medicare to cover the cost. If your personal insurance or you yourself are going to be responsible for the cost, then you just have to be able to find an opening. There are rooms available for people coming from the hospital. It may noe be what you want............sharing a room or not. My father in law had to share for awhile until a private room opened up. I have checked into MO because we can't afford a nursing home.....keep on smilin.............Phyllis

Thanks to all,
I am taking him to the emergency room tomorrow and insisting on seeing a social worker. He is in such pain I cannot take it. I feel so bad and I am horrified that just when he had his new place together and was doing things for himself this happens. He has 2 broken ribs, well the pain could be tolerated if he did not have so many other issues. Thanks for your help I will check everything out. Alice

Good for you. You need to be a pain when the state is involved. Don't take no for an answer. Be persistent. Also, his DR. needs to step in and help you receive the services you both are entitled to. Take care. Let us know how things work out.

lovingdaughter is so right about being persistent with the state process. It is an unending bureacracy and the consumer's needs are always last.

Hello All,

I spent the day at the hospital in which I visited my Father's PCP and she said the old "we don't do any of that", I mean I am standing their asking her for help with dad in the emergency room and she said well maybe the emergency room doctors can help you. Then I asked for a social worker to which her response was they don't do that their. She does not know anything about this according to her and her office which is part of a large group in MIchigan with over 25 hospitals and several offices. The hospital he goes to also has his PCP that is why I went to talk to her while I was in the emergency room with dad.

Well dad broke his 2 ribs and he has not taken a shower in weeks, I can't get him to shave and now he is having trouble breathing. So I get back to the emergency after putting myself back together, this last 5 years is starting to take a serious toll on my mental and emotional health not to mention my husband and I are about ready for a divorce.

So the emergency room yes they don't have social workers at that location and they cannot send him to rehab or any care because they don't do that. My dad has stage 4 Liver Disease that is really bad he is taking meds for it but he has been not taking them and because of the toxins going to his brain he is seeing things again. The Lactalose takes that away but I keep telling people he stops taking his meds for attention, when I don't spend enough time with him and they think I am crazy. But I can tell because I buy the meds and know how long the bottle should last and its as full as it was 2 weeks ago now he is acting like he has dementia again. He's doing it to himself and then he says I would hate to screw up you finishing school by getting sick. I told him that is not going to happen and if he has a major illness that he will have to go into assisted living that I cannot do it no more.

A long time ago dad was in the rehab when he had a stroke to learn to walk again ect... and he was ok their but when I asked about it again they said that he has to be evaluated again and one time a social worker that we talked to when they thought he was going to die 5 years ago told us that we have to pay for nursing care and nursing homes ourself because dads retirement is to high.

Well I am going to look on line for some kind of help from social security or something tonight or tomorrow. I can no longer keep this up and I am graduating in April and have not even been able to enjoy my success in school because I don't know how I am doing it because I cannot think most of the time.

Sorry for going on but I am so stressed--and I am going on vacation on Thursday night. The help I get I have to pay for and that's what I am going to do while on vacation and we will see what happens when I get home but I need this away time bad. When I come home I have got to get to the bottom of this and have a plan on what to do for illnesses and such..

Thanks-Alice

Since your question was posed 8 months ago I hope you have now found some answers to your questions and are gradually getting to move forward. I am so sorry for your loss

Apologies for above post, which has nothing to do with board, but was the beginning of my answer to someone who had posted months ago about her husband's death. I seem to have problems logging into this site at times and making sure my posts are correct. Very odd! Anyway, back to my original problem (my mother):

lindam and sunshine caregiver, thank you for your replies. The past few days have been rather fraught, I'm afraid. My mother had originally said she fell at home and hurt her shoulder, but refused to see a doctor, have an x-ray or anything else. A few days later she said her shoulder was ok but now her lower back was very sore, but as already has some arthritis there we weren't overly concerned. She managed to persuade my sister to come and stay with her for a few days; my sister called the doctor who said nothing was broken, gave her stronger painkillers and said he would have her x-rayed if it was still painful the next day. Next day she said it wasn't too bad, the tablets were helping. So my sister invited her to come to her house for a few days. As soon as she got there my mother refused to take any more painkillers, but then said she had a pain in her side. My sister brought her back home yesterday and rang the doctor who prescribed other painkillers. She didn't want to take them. I agreed my mother could come to me for the rest of the week, simply to allow my sister to do some Christmas preparations, but this morning she wanted the doctor out again, saying she now felt hot and cold and weak. Her doctor asked my sister what was going on, he couldn't understand the ever-changing symptoms. He made arrangements for her to go to hospital for an x-ray and general check-up - guess what? they found nothing wrong, other than the wear and tear of her arthritis.

So, she's with my husband me now, looking healthier than either of us and complaining that nobody gave her time this morning to get her favourite face-creams, etc. packed! My husband has a very bad cold today but will still be going to work tonight to start a 12-hour shift at 8 pm. My mother wanted him to drive to her house (15 miles away) just to get her face-creams and some Christmas cards, but I told her that will have to wait until Thursday afternoon as he has to sleep tomorrow and work another 12-hour shift tomorrow night. I've got some new tablets to help with my dizziness, so have hopes that they might make me feel better.

My sister told us Mum's doctor is very sceptical about her complaints; I got the impression he thinks she is simply seeking attention or maybe suffering from depression. My sister and I both know she is actually trying to force the issue of moving in with one of us permanently and giving up her house for good. We have another sister but she lives in England (I'm in N Ireland) and her husband is in hospital with COPD (he had pneumonia and was seriously ill for a while). There is no way she could have my mother stay with her and in any case my mother would simply refuse to go there. I am trying to be as normal as possible with my mother while she's with me, but it's very difficult to listen to her endless sighs, complaints, etc. without feeling irritated. I'm dreading the rest of this week, but am trying to be patient and caring and keep reminding myself it's only until the weekend.

----------------------------------
alicemb, sorry you're having such a bad time with you dad's problems. I hope you get the help you need as you sound at the end of your tether. Your holiday will be a very welcome break - you need it!

Dimsie-----Sorry to hear there is still trouble in paradise. It just gets overwhelming and we bite our tongue, count to 500, do alot of deep sighing ourselves, then we do it all again. Always keep in mind that you are doing what is right for you, and nothing is going to make her happy. Most days I can let it go in one ear and out the other, but today was a day that everything she did or said got on my nerves. I kept that to myself, did not take it out on her, but I am damned glad this day is over. I get to have bad days, but their needs are still there. Hang in there and take time to breathe in, and breathe out. Keep posting and we'll all know we are not alone.

Alicemb-- Where is your doctor??? He or she must have your father admitted to the hospital. He or she is not doing the job that they took an oath for. Only your Dr. can really cut through this red tape and get your father into a nursing home where he seems to really belong. Have you gotten an elder -care lawyer to help you navigate the system? It does not have to cost too much to get advice.

I am now all my mom has. She is in a nursing home, with severe aphasia, wheelchair bound, with dementia. I have been actively taking care of her since 2001. First as a long distance caregiver, going every other weekend then staying with her then bringing in paid help then moving her near me in an assisted living then when she broke her hip...to nursing home. She has been in this one for 20 months. I am so tired. I go and have been going 5 days a week. the other two I hired a lady to go for mealtimes and bed time and pay her 15 an hour...60 a weekWhen will this end. I am always crying for the both of us. My marriage is a mess, my kids grown and in another state....I work full time and my life is just nuring home and work....I am so tired....Really tired in body and soul. I am so sad. This is too much for me but I dont have the courage to end it for either of us.

You are among us that are so tired and at the end of the rope!! I feel for you I know exactally what you are going through.

I just got dad set up in a new apartnment and today he went over their with no shoes (in the snow) on, not bathing in weeks and told the landlady that the FBI was all over his apartment and she had to get them out. They called the police on him and took him to the hospital because they thought he was crazy. I am leaving tomorrow night on vacation and he stopped taking his meds about 2 weeks ago so that he could cause a big hospital stay.

His ways of doing things are unbelieveable, When I told him he better not quit his meds because then he would act crazy he said it did not matter because no one cared anyway. I told him he always pulls something right before I have to go away. He is doing this to himself because he is bored and wants attention.

After 5 years of this I have had it, I am so tired physically and mostly emotionally, I am in a constant panic with my husband getting mad because he knows my dad is just seeing how much he can pull me away. He drank for 40 years now he wants me to watch him day in and out. I cannot do it 24/7 no more. I cannot be their all the time to watch him takes meds and do everything for him. He was doing fine for a long time now I get him settled in a new place and now he makes himself sick.

I don't know what to do but I think his brothers are going to have to pitch in and take care of him a while maybe then someone will see all that he is doing and help me put him in assisted living. Unless of course they want to watch him all the time.

I love him dearly but this is to much for one person to take so believe me when (desperation) you are going through this it is some relief to know we are not the only ones. We deserve gold metals for all the work we do but we never get it. Because all those family members who do nothing don't know what the feeling is like day in and out on a regular basis. Remember to take care of yourself. I am going on my vacation--perhaps a social worker will step in if I am not their to be with him.

Sincerely,

Alice

To desperation and alicemb,
If you don't take care of yourself, no one will!! If your parents are pulling your strings and you are aware of it, only you can put a stop to it. Stand your ground and don't let them manipulate you. Tough love is called for in both these situations. My brother tells me he knows how hard it is to take care of mom

my message seems to have been cut off. Go on vacation, spend time with your spouse. If your parent was thinking clearly, that is what they would really want for you. Good luck

hello wow this sight is always a reality check for me. things are comming to a head here i talked to my sister she basiclly said that thnigs will continue as they are as in no meds for dads dementia or if i move out becasue i cant take it anylonger then she will put him in assisted living. my kids school told me that becasue im behind on my school tution athat i must have 1,600 by friday or they can not come back after winter break. i tried talking to my husband but he fell asleep while i was talking . my dad told my sister " mia and i should avoid each other and i will stay quite." how is that possible he has dementia yea today he good but what happens when he has a crazy day and yelling a screaming at me like a raving lunitic it will happen its just a matter of time. im so tire of this life he only screams at me. his friends brings him the sunday paper well this sunday his friend didnt show up all my dad said was Oh kenny must be on vacation but when i forgot im nothing put a dirty ass spic im so sick of nobody standing up for me my husband wont. and neither will my sister . so here is sit and here is my queston to you who are in this same boat. do i take the 1.300 i have and give to to my kids school or do i use it to get an apartment with my kids ? I cry most days no matter how i try al i get is shit on i se to thing about his death now i think about is my own i use to want to hit a tree with my car with him in it but now i just want me to die. im pretty sure if i stay here another 6 months i will die , im 60 lbs over weight my bp is high and with all this stress i bet i have diabetis. ( had it with 4 pregnacys over weight and hispanic ) pretty sure its comming down the pike at me. i feel like there is no one to protect me just like when i was little and there was no one to save me from the mother who tied me up in the basement im back in the same house only now the abuser is him god save me what have i gotten my self in to. this house holds so many horrible memories why did i think i could handle this. i guess i will have to save my self again. what is more important the school my kids go to or having a mother. I will ask god to show me the answer in the morning . maybe i will die in my sleep and finally i can get away from this hell. miak

Plase see a counselor or therapist. You seem to be deeply depressed, and this can be really bad for you, and just as bad for your kids. Your kids need their mother. Take care of YOU! Kids are much more resilent than adults. You are their rock. To care for them, you must care for youself!
God Bless, and Merry Christmas!

miak, are your children in college? Is it college tuition to which you are referring? Sandy has given you great advice. Counseling could be a first step in your road to "save yourself." If the home in which you live holds horrible memories for you and you can afford your own space, your mental health and emotional wellbeing need to be at the top of your list. Are your children of working age? If they are, maybe it is time they started helping Mom.

Despiration, yes this too shall pass.

What kind of a care home is you mother in? A good one should be one where you could go every other day, and she'd still be safe. You can't keep this up and ruin your marriage and your health. Your mother wouldn't want that, if she could have decided this before. Just remember what you would want - would you want your kids to go through this for you? There's a point where you have to turn more care over to others. You are still a caregiver, you are just getting help. Get to know the staff and gradually start to draw back a bit before you collapse. Please keep coming back to talk it out.

Carol

Miak,

I so know the feeling of wanting to die to get away from this hell hole that we all are in. If only I could give you advice, but I don't have an answer for me either. The counselor I go to, helps a little, but not enough to get me by. All I can tell you Is try to stand your ground and let it known that you do not like doing this any more. I tell my parents that every day, If they don't get it, it helps me to feel like I am getting something off my chest.

Love,
Marylynne

Hello Everyone,

Miak, we feel for your situation as I have been their before and often. Sometimes I don't know how I get through a day but I do and not without stress. Well my dad is in the hospital and I am letting his brothers take care of it for the first time. He is their because he stopped taking his meds that enable him to think clearly. The doctor confirmed that is what is wrong with him and he has to know I will not allow this manipulation any more. He wanted me to stay home from vacation. I cannot be with him 24/7. He is only 65 years young and wants me to be with him all the time. Well after this stay in the hospital he will know that he is wrong in doing this just in time for Christmas.

Listen I feel sorry because their are no more children around but if he had not treated my husband like crap for the last 15 years maybe he could have been able to go traveling with us sometimes. But dad has always been mean and I did not do that. I carry around the fact that I am the only person in the world that cares about him. I have 3 sisters who have not helped once in the last 5 years.

The responsibility of being their for someone who is slowly loosing his ability to think, do things, walk, and take care of himself. I feel so heavy hearted daily with this. Because if I don't do it no one else will and I don't want to end up like that. I have always had friends but no children and I think of myself but I right now have the peace of mind along with my husband to take care of this in advance. My dad just says who cares anyway just plant me when I explore the idea of a will, or a hospital concent in case he cannot make decisions. He just won't decide anything.

I just don't want to have to force him to do anything he don't want to do except if his health and person is in danger if he stays alone.

Merry Christmas everyone I hope you are all blessed--we do a lot but I know it will come back to us someday.....Alice