I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks for all your kind and welcoming words. It is so good to be able to vent and share all of our frustrations with people that understand. So many people I know have no clue what a caregiver goes thru, only those who walk a mile in our shoes do!
As far as my mom, I really need a babysitter since she only takes 2 meds a day, she can walk to the bathroom, feed herself, read and watch tv. (Although she can't hear well). I have tried finding someone but most aides around here are more for medical help and very pricey.Besides I would be paying for someone to just look at her. She told me she doesn't need anyone to talk to.
My mom says every day that she doesn't want to be here anymore(live I mean) but the more she says that the longer she will be.
She is now on a pain patch that helps a little but that doesn't stop her from complaining about my cooking, way of doing things, parenting, etc. To be honest, she has always had high standards for others and herself so I am sure that is part of the problem.
When she says that she prays not to live any longer I find myself praying the same thing then I feel guilty for thinking it.
Such a vicious cycle. There are so many other stresses in my life right now that add to the big one....caregiving.......
I pray every day for patience to get me thru the day but I seem to lose it before the day is over.
Sorry I am ranting but thanks for letting me vent.
Oneandonly
When your mom says that she does not like the way you do things, just say to her" But mom, you taught me to do it this way!" " I am just following your example." My mom tried to control me, but we put a stop to it just by saying a few things that made her think about what she was saying.
Have you looked into care-giving agencies? We have a chain here called Comfort Keepers. They are really fantastic. You local hospital has caregivers that you can get for a reduced rate. Look into your church and see if anyone want to make a few dollars a week. That is how I found my 2 private helpers that I paid cash,, and one was an LPN who was very reasonable. Good luck
lovingdaughter
I am very glad to hear you are getting your surgery done. Take care of yourself and let us know how things turn out. As for the husband, you know him and what to expect, so no surprises there. Just do what you need to do to get healthy. God Bless
I hope you know we care how you feel and we will be with you in spirit when you are going thru your surgery. I hope you have some help when you get home! Guess your husband will be in rehab for awhile, so you take care, rest, and get strong for yourself. We will be thinking and praying for you. God Bless
Today is Monday, the big day. How are things going with you? Let us know how the surgery went and how your husband is. God Bless
Lovingdaughter
Blessings,
Carol
I had the same problem about 1 year ago, and I know how terrible it is, so I know as well how you feel. My dad and my mother in law moved out of my house, after 4 and a half years living in a nightmare. My mother in law used to fill every free space in their room with old stuff, papers, food, even garbage...the smell at home was so disgusting, but they are our parents so my husband, my son and I, beared the situation although we had arguments for everything almost every day.They finally decided to try my Mother in Law Assisted Living Facility and they liked it because the place is really good, clean, full of different activities. Their apartment has 3 bedrooms and two bathrooms and they have 2 of the bedrooms and a bathroom but share the living room and a kitchenette with another lady, and everybody is happy right now. We also decorate their apartment in colors and things that make them happy. The apartment is at 7 Floor, they have assistance in the cleaning, washing the clothes and eating...they eat three well balanced meals every day in a very clean dinning room...You can look around your area and do your research in order to find a good place that fits your expectations...you will see.
I took my mother to an Assisted Living Facility prior to our going on a vacation so that she could tour the facility. She was not happy, but does realize that my husband and I need this vacation and we need to place her somewhere safe. I am hoping that she finds out it is not so bad and we will be able to place her every once in a while so we can have some time alone. I am happy to hear that your loved ones are doing well and have adjusted to the ALF.
I hope that Austin is doing well with her surgery. I am glad she will have the time to herself. I know how important time alone is but surely after a surgery it will be so important for her to be able to recover without the extra burden of taking care of others. So I hope she is doing good and resting and getting better. Good luck Austin hope you are back soon.
I am doing good, my dad broke his arm again--always something but its nothing new so we just continue to go on and do what we do. Hope everyone if feeling good and taking care of themselves.
Talk soon, have a great day!!!
Alice
I think you are very good person, but I think is not matter of to be a slave of your parents, it is about to take care of them and have quality time with them and with your family too. My dad used to help me a lot and I miss him, but two women that are not sisters or mother and daughter cannot live in the same house, otherwise it will become in a battlefield. In your case is easier, it is your mother living with you, in any way you learned from her all the ways you have to do your duties, to handle your family, housekeeping etc. It does not have to be the same but most of the times it is. In my case is my mother in law, which is very difficult person to live with
...In my case is my mother in law, which is very difficult person to live with; and on top of that she is married to my dad, who is technically her slave, so it was very hard to me, watch and do nothing, watch the dump she made of my house, and do nothing. Even my husband who is her son of course, and a very good husband, did not say a word to his mother, but he was visibly upset and discharged in our son and me all his frustration. There was the time that I rejected to be home! That is not right, not for them, not for us.
Although we did not send them to a nursing home; they realized that they have to try by themselves having their own space and went to try. Fortunately, the place is very good and they are very comfortable there. Now I can say it was good for the family and our relationship are the best. We go to pick them up the weekends, and some of the weeknights because the ALF is pretty close to our home, and expend quality time with them. Finally, I can see them very happy, so we are.
Thanks so much for writing and keep us tuned.
Carol
Regards,
Margarita
lovingdaughter
The odor is a big issue, but you can handle it buying a few boxes of baking soda and placing it hidden into their closet, or in any other hidden spot. Also if you wash their clothes with a cup of Borax, the one that is called Mule Team, is very powerfull to eliminate odors.
I hope this help you.
best regards
How's everyone else today? I have a long mother story, if you all have the time to read. My Mother was my best friend and a wonderful role model. Despite some of the many horrible stories of her childhood, she made up her mind that she was not going to be like the role models she had. No disrespect to my Grandmother, who I was close to and miss, who died after my Mother. Anyway, my Mom practically raised herself. She would come home at a young age after school, and no Mom, she was in bars all the time. My Mom would have to go looking for her, to get money for food, there was never any food in fridge, no clean clothes, Dad left them when she was little. She would come home from school to find her older brother shooting up heroin with his friends in their bathroom. She decided she was never going to be like her mother or brother, and she was going to be a wonderful mother unlike her role model. Let me tell you she was. I didn't find out what her life was like until I was 16yrs old or so. My Mom used to do her mother's laundry, sometimes her grocery shopping, take her to the bank, doctor etc. Grandma was pretty independent. She was a wonderful Grandma, and I have fond memories of her, unlike my Mother's. My mother said she was a much better grandma than she was a mother. I didn't understand this comment until later. My Mom was impatient with Grandma, and I asked why do you talk to Grandma like that? Boy did she light into me, she said don't you ever ask me that question again. She said I love my mother, but I don't like her. Then she told me why, because Grandma was always fussing over me and my brother, "why don't you put a jacket on that child it's cold outside!", this pissed my Mother off because she barely had any clothes on her back when she was growing up. I said Mom, you didn't have to bite my head off, you could have just told me this. From then on I understood the years of impatience. I asked Mom, why do you do so many things for Grandma then if you feel this way? She responded, "because she is my mother, I Love her but I don't like her. Despite her childhood and role models, she was a wonderful Mother to me and my Brother. She always had a smile, hug, and kiss for me, and breakfast on the table when I woke up in the morning. "Mom I miss you so much!" I am crying right now writing this. So whenever I hear someone say, "oh, they don't know what they are doing, they had such a horrible childhood, they can't help the way they are, and it's not their fault", I say "so what, so did my Mother, but she didn't use that as an excuse to be a criminal, treat people horribly, etc." Sorry, too long I know, but I'm passing all this along to my Daughters, and they to their Children, and so on. Maybe there is hope for this world after all. Smile LOL Nauseated