I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Anyway I hate it to when someone says they did such and such because of their childhood. I swanee sometimes I think they found me under a rock and said hey this will work and I been working ever since. I don't love my mother either I don't even like her most days but she's my mother and without me God only knows where she would be at least I know I am doing the right thing. That is why I try so hard not to get frustrated and just let things go. She can't see can't hear can hardly walk anymore and its just a matter of time and my job will be done. I worked in the school cafeteria to feed my siblings one good hot meal a day, I worked in the fields to pick strawberries and beans, tomatoes, cleaned churches, scrubbed floors washed windows anything to make a buck so we could eat, I vowed to myself when I was six years old I would NEVER be like my parents. Thus I am the kind of mother yours was and I cry for you to, I cry for the little girl in me who wants to be hugged by her mommy and sometimes I know this sounds wierd I just sit and get inside myself and wrap my arms around me and mother me. I guess we do whatever it takes to get us thru a specific thing, I always wanted to be a mother,a good mother, I lost a son I have one son and don't look like I'm getting any grand children so I suppose raising my sister and brothers and parents was enough for me the Lord decided. I appreciate your sharing some people really don't know how good they have it. I suppose that is why I use humor so much I was told humor comes from pain and I studied that one day and that is so true. On the 26th of this month is the 27th anniversary of my sons death I mourn all over again I thought it would stop but it doesn't get any easier who ever said that was just putting on a front or something. Just to hold him one more time would be so comforting but ain't gonna happen so I tell myself there are worse things in this world than dying because we all have to die and its true look at the people we are taking care of is that really a good life? There are so many things to discuss. I better get off here before I run out of virtual space. neon
Rest for as long as you need to and be sure that we care! Good Bless.
lovingdaughter
I'm especially intrigued by the "Never let them move in" advice. It's seems really heartless... and really smart. Am I a bad son (yes, I'm a son and the primary "go to" caregiver of my Mom) if I don't let my Mom move in? I'm married with three small children (all under 8). Mom is 81, still has all her marbles, but she's been recovering from a broken ankle in a rehab hospital for a month. She's always been independent, but now she's learning (slowly) to get around on a walker. She lives alone in a secluded house with a steep driveway she'll never again be able to walk down by herself.
My wife is suffering from a severe possibly life threatening depression. She thinks we should take my Mom in at least temporarily. My mom would only move in if she could bring her cat. One of my children is severely allergic to cats and the cat triggers a mild (but unpleasant) asthmatic reaction in me. My mother believes allergies are all in your head. She got hostile when I told her she was welcome to move in but not with her cat. (The cat also triggers her own asthma but she loves the cat too much to get rid of it.) Even though I'm busy taking care of my wife and children as well as looking for a job, I visit her every day, arrange her doctor appointments, run her errands, talk with the social workers, pay her bills, take care of her cat... (My siblings live out of state.) No matter how much I visit her, she considers me cruel because I won't let her move in with her cat. Reading the comments here makes me wonder whether I should exhaust every other possible avenue before even considering allowing her to move in with us -- especially considering how unbelievably stressed our lives are already. How can I feel I'm anything but evil if I refuse to let my own mother move in? Isn't that what family does -- despite how difficult it would be on all of us? (I'm just parroting these words, but I can't seem to get them out of my head.)
For me, I don't mind doing the caregiving, but when a parent is so miserable on purpose and they choose that for themselves, but sorry, I will not let it affect my life. Its hard to get past that fact at times, but after today, and starting to talk with more family lately (due to the death of my aunt), I can honestly say my mother chose her fate and there's not thing one I can do about it.
Also just a word, exhaust every avenue you can about care giving for her. If she refuses to give up the cat, then by her own choosing she has made her choice, and you have to make your choice based upon her decision. Family cares and provides for each other, but sometimes family members just don't care and are so selfish and they stand on the outside looking in crabbing and complaining the whole time that they are cold, but won't choose to step in the house with the rest of the family to get warm and enjoy a laugh or two. Guess whose problem that is?
Keep in touch and keep reading these boards for support. You will definitely find you are not alone.
lovingdaughter
No judgement - no blame, but might make a really interesting topic.
If I was as angry as people assume, I would not have helped my mother one ounce and she would probably be dead now from starving herself. I at least choose to provide basic needs with excellence above and beyond and anything mom chooses beyond the basics is completely her choice.
I also do not believe that having boundaries is wrong to have and since my aunt died yesterday and I have begun talking with family that I haven't talked to in 20 years (courtesy my mother), I am finding out that personal choices are a huge part of how are lives are completed. Many times as elders it is a physical or neurological disease, but such as the case with my mother, she insisted on things throughout the course of her life and she is reaping what she sowed in her own life. Surely, not by my choice. I would love to enjoy life with her instead of healing from a lifetime of hurts.
You should start a thread on this, it might be really interesting to see what people do have to say about our kids and grandkids. Maybe we will find out what our future holds.
I'm not going to solve this tonight. Again, thank you all.
My brother is a prime example. He does nothing and never sees her unless he gets a free meal. I hold my mom responsible for my brother's actions and attitude. She raised him to be selfish. She now sees what that has done. He really is a big baby.
Mitzi, you are right boundaries mean that we respect ourselves and the ones we love. We show our children that we are valuable and that we need to be respected. We give them the message to love and care for our parents, but not to sacrifice our future and ruin the happiness of our spouses and children. We are the glue that holds our families together. Sometimes we crack and come "unglued". That is OK as long as we have a support system to back us up and pick us up when we fall. Got to go, mom needs to go to bed and my glass of wine is calling me. Take care.
lovingdaughter.
Nauseated
You are not cruel. I took care of my mother and disabled father for the last 22 years. I did, as you are doing now. Go there every day, take care of all the needs, pharmaceutical, groceries, banking, etc. I lost my home in Hurricane Katrina and had to take both my mom and father in to live with me. I love these people dearly and always had a very good relationship with my mom. Worse mistake I ever made in my life. Now, I am in a very severe depression. My mom doesn't understand I need a life outside of sickness. As long, as you can, keep your mom at home. I thought the trips I made daily, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, was the most horrible thing ever. UNTIL THEY MOVED IN. The 4 trips a day was a breeze. Take my advice, it makes the whole family ill. I have a 22 year old daughter and a 12 year old daughter, that feel I catered to my parents and they missed out on a lot of stuff. Your children are still young yet. Keep your Mom at home and tend to her there.
Marylynne
Seriously, the advice to keep my mom in her own home as long as possible seems very good.
Consider things like a caregiver going into the home. They also have "companions" that will do housekeeping, talk with the person, help do some of the chores a caregiver may not attend to. Also look into the differences between the needs of assisted living as compared to a nursing home. You also have to remember that our parents back in the day heard horrible things about nursing homes. When assisted living came into play it helped increase the standard for elder care for nursing homes as well. They also have adult day cares (usually for Alzheimer's patients), but figure out the cost.
When the time comes you need to be informed from all sides which is best for you. I know that when I looked into the possibility of a caregiver coming into my parents home for 10 hours a day, we were talking just over $200 per day for not even a half a day. Then for my mother I had to worry about was she going to lock people out of the house, refuse to do anything, no answer phones, get stressed even more so and then call me even more. Were the caregivers going to be calling me because they couldn't get in, etc.... (taking a breath now)... then came the assisted living when I found the right one for my parents. The cost worked out to $197 a day plus medications. BUT... they have hourly checks on my parents, my parents have a nice size apartment, they have 3 square meals a day, they have someone to clean their apartment, someone who does their laundry, and in the end I have a LOT less to worry about because they have 24/7 attention.
If I was caring for just my dad alone before assisted living, he would be in adult day care, no questions asked, but the assisted living is now the God-send. Again, you have to do the best that you can with the ability you have. Its not wrong to go to your mom to provide care, because you are still doing it, but you need to prepare for options and do your homework. It will make for an easier transition IF that is what's needed. This is going to be a stressful time for everyone, question is how will you handle it?
It would be wonderful if everything were live the "old days" when one person was home and it was possible to take the elder into your own home, without help. But seniors didn't live as long with such huge health problems. They died as their time came.
For some, taking them into the home still works. But for many, it simply does not. And when it doesn’t work, the caregivers need to drop the guilt, find good help - whether adult day services, assisted living or a nursing home - and, as you, Mitzi, have seen, understand that the elder is actually getting better care than you, alone, could give. The caregivers are freed up to enjoy visits with the elders, do extras for them, and be their caregiver in a better sense than a frazzled bath giver. Going for drives, out to eat (or eating at the center with them), many things open up because you are not tied to routine.
There's no right answer for everyone. Each situation is unique, and each will evolve. Just keeping an open mind is very important. So is knowing your limits and letting your ego go when you know you can't do it all and need help.
Once again, I have to say I've never seen such a great group of informed caregivers who've "been there." It's an honor for me to be part of it.
Carol
You all are such angels and inspirations to the rest of us. I'm not sure I can compete with that. LOL Carol, you are amazing, and an example to all, thank you so much. Take Care all, prayers, and have a great week end.
Nauseated (Lisa)
Austin--so glad to see you are home, take care of yourself--I hope you have a while until your husband comes home so that you can relax and heel yourself....Take care and get some rest!!!!
Edrex--this is a very important issue, think it over and put your family, your children first. We do not owe our parents our lives or to put our children in that situation either. Your wife needs your attention. Good Luck with everything we are hear for eachother in these situations.
And one more thing--my husband and I have made arrangements for our future and it does not involve putting anyone out or haveing to take advantage of anyone for our care. We plan to move to a senior living community. They are beautiful and can help in every matter you may have. Carol--I agree with you and want to take care of myself.
Take care
Alice
Austin--so glad to see you are home, take care of yourself--I hope you have a while until your husband comes home
I was thinking about what Edrex asked & everyone has been sharing about their own experiences. The one thing I don't think I saw yet, is he might be able to connect with his local area council on aging about a roommate matching service. Especially in this down economy there are alot of seniors who are retired on fixed income that don't own their own homes - - it is just a thought, and would definitely take some screening & oversight, but maybe the income from the rental and companionship might cover the costs of in home services & reduce the hours of service needed. This is supposing that 95% of the time or more, Edrex's mom only needs to have someone else there to 'be there'. It would not take the place of whatever actual care she needed, but might help balance things out and take some pressure off Edrex too.
do not feel guilty, your child is first.
I think you are a good son. Not all of the "boys" I know do what you are actually doing.
I hope your mom is more flexible and can give her cat to a person that can take good care of him, otherwise you most keep her in a nice nursing home.
God Bless you.
Over the weekend mothers blood pressure dropped drastically it is usally so high so guess something is going on like I suspected but she is so stubborn won't tell the doctor anything so need to call him and inform him. There is that old stigma that goes with nursing homes but for the most part they have come a long way. If it gets to the point where my mom has to go to one she will whether she agrees or not. Over the week end my arthritis' and muscles and deteriorating discs gave me a fit I don't see me a 122 lb woman liting a 175 lb woman anytime in the future. I will visit often and let the staff know I am a part of their team so there will not be anything going on tha shouldn't because mother does like to make up stories that is why she is living with me, she made up a great big story. LOL have a good day neon
oh well, i am just venting. sorry. like i siad, there are Sooooooooo many of you in so much worse situations!! my heart goes out to you! good luck to all! hugs and take care.
cindy
oh well, i am just venting. sorry. like i siad, there are Sooooooooo many of you in so much worse situations!! my heart goes out to you! good luck to all! hugs and take care.
cindy
You've got a lot on your hands. The idea of hospice coming in to help is something you need to look at. They are wonderful.
Meanwhile, it's your dad's assets that are the problem with Medicaid. He needs paid caregivers. Obviously, he won't spend the money and expects you to do it all. You are not alone in this. Please keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing.
Carol