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Oh Naus, thanks for sharing the story of your mom see I am your mom, no my mother didn't go to bars but my dad did and my mom couldn't deal with anything except her mysterious illnesses so I was the mom to my sister, a brother with muscular dystrophy and another brother,the one I am so pissed at right now because I haven't heard from him since I told him to get his ass down here if he wanted to see his father one more time before he died. since then he hasn't replied to any phone calls etc etc. boring, so he can kiss my arse,.

Anyway I hate it to when someone says they did such and such because of their childhood. I swanee sometimes I think they found me under a rock and said hey this will work and I been working ever since. I don't love my mother either I don't even like her most days but she's my mother and without me God only knows where she would be at least I know I am doing the right thing. That is why I try so hard not to get frustrated and just let things go. She can't see can't hear can hardly walk anymore and its just a matter of time and my job will be done. I worked in the school cafeteria to feed my siblings one good hot meal a day, I worked in the fields to pick strawberries and beans, tomatoes, cleaned churches, scrubbed floors washed windows anything to make a buck so we could eat, I vowed to myself when I was six years old I would NEVER be like my parents. Thus I am the kind of mother yours was and I cry for you to, I cry for the little girl in me who wants to be hugged by her mommy and sometimes I know this sounds wierd I just sit and get inside myself and wrap my arms around me and mother me. I guess we do whatever it takes to get us thru a specific thing, I always wanted to be a mother,a good mother, I lost a son I have one son and don't look like I'm getting any grand children so I suppose raising my sister and brothers and parents was enough for me the Lord decided. I appreciate your sharing some people really don't know how good they have it. I suppose that is why I use humor so much I was told humor comes from pain and I studied that one day and that is so true. On the 26th of this month is the 27th anniversary of my sons death I mourn all over again I thought it would stop but it doesn't get any easier who ever said that was just putting on a front or something. Just to hold him one more time would be so comforting but ain't gonna happen so I tell myself there are worse things in this world than dying because we all have to die and its true look at the people we are taking care of is that really a good life? There are so many things to discuss. I better get off here before I run out of virtual space. neon
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Alice and other dear friends I am doing ok- I still have a lot of pain and did too much yesterday but today I am staying home and since the husband is being verbally abusive I am staying away from his rehab place my son can take him what he needs for a while. The doc had told me I would get immediate loss of pain and could continue all activies but sent me home with an rx for pain and a lot restrictions but when I was researching this proceedure a physical therapist said most of the people he knew who had it done were discouraged how long it took to be absent of pain so I am not discouraged and two of my arthrities flared up so I am trying to get rest, and planning how the husband can do something to help me when he gets home-important paperwork drives me crazy so he can keep those things in order and I will care for him and do the bills shopping cooking cleaning help my son with the mowing etc, this time we are getting an aide who can do the whole bath and help with his many doc visits- I never knew of a aide that would not wash the entire pt or help him in and out of the tub and will not even put his underware on a male pt. Thank you all for your concerns-it is so nice to have people care of you I have not had much of that in my life.
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Dear Austin, we care, and you rest. Naus
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Austin,
Rest for as long as you need to and be sure that we care! Good Bless.

lovingdaughter
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First, thanks to everyone who writes in. First, my heart goes out to so many of you whose problems are (currently) far, far greater than mine.

I'm especially intrigued by the "Never let them move in" advice. It's seems really heartless... and really smart. Am I a bad son (yes, I'm a son and the primary "go to" caregiver of my Mom) if I don't let my Mom move in? I'm married with three small children (all under 8). Mom is 81, still has all her marbles, but she's been recovering from a broken ankle in a rehab hospital for a month. She's always been independent, but now she's learning (slowly) to get around on a walker. She lives alone in a secluded house with a steep driveway she'll never again be able to walk down by herself.

My wife is suffering from a severe possibly life threatening depression. She thinks we should take my Mom in at least temporarily. My mom would only move in if she could bring her cat. One of my children is severely allergic to cats and the cat triggers a mild (but unpleasant) asthmatic reaction in me. My mother believes allergies are all in your head. She got hostile when I told her she was welcome to move in but not with her cat. (The cat also triggers her own asthma but she loves the cat too much to get rid of it.) Even though I'm busy taking care of my wife and children as well as looking for a job, I visit her every day, arrange her doctor appointments, run her errands, talk with the social workers, pay her bills, take care of her cat... (My siblings live out of state.) No matter how much I visit her, she considers me cruel because I won't let her move in with her cat. Reading the comments here makes me wonder whether I should exhaust every other possible avenue before even considering allowing her to move in with us -- especially considering how unbelievably stressed our lives are already. How can I feel I'm anything but evil if I refuse to let my own mother move in? Isn't that what family does -- despite how difficult it would be on all of us? (I'm just parroting these words, but I can't seem to get them out of my head.)
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edrex, you aren't cruel. No offense, but why should you put you or your child's health at risk because she doesn't care about your health or the health of your child. That is something I've grown really thick skinned about by pure fire and brimstone trials. You do a lot as it is, and my mother was diagnosed with severe major depression (that is suicidal), and that is a handful in itself, and you need to work on your commitment to your wife and especially your kids all being under 8 years old.

For me, I don't mind doing the caregiving, but when a parent is so miserable on purpose and they choose that for themselves, but sorry, I will not let it affect my life. Its hard to get past that fact at times, but after today, and starting to talk with more family lately (due to the death of my aunt), I can honestly say my mother chose her fate and there's not thing one I can do about it.

Also just a word, exhaust every avenue you can about care giving for her. If she refuses to give up the cat, then by her own choosing she has made her choice, and you have to make your choice based upon her decision. Family cares and provides for each other, but sometimes family members just don't care and are so selfish and they stand on the outside looking in crabbing and complaining the whole time that they are cold, but won't choose to step in the house with the rest of the family to get warm and enjoy a laugh or two. Guess whose problem that is?

Keep in touch and keep reading these boards for support. You will definitely find you are not alone.
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Hi Edrex. So nice to hear that a son has taken up the challenge. Your wife comes first and your children's health cannot be compromised. Look into assisted living for your mom. She will be much happier after awhile in a facility with people her own age. Under no circumstances should you take her in. I too took my mom and her cat. It has been a challenge. At least the cat is in a better mood than mom is half the time. It has been over 3 long years, and I know she needs a nursing home, but cannot bring myself to do it, not yet. She is not thinking like a mom, but rather like a frightened child. Stick to your guns. Good luck

lovingdaughter
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Its interesting to see so many different reactions. I posted my opinon on another heading - but would like to add that reading all of these posts makes me wonder what our kids or grandkids will be writing about what to do with us when we are old & need help.

No judgement - no blame, but might make a really interesting topic.
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You bring up an interesting point Cat, and what really scares me is children (majority from my area anyway) are not being taught about consequences or have a core belief to base choices on. Anything pretty much goes. I'm fortunate in the fact that because of my core belief that I can choose to do things out of the toughest love of all and although sometimes it is difficult to do, I can hold my head high KNOWING that I did all I can do within my ability and I did it with LOVE.

If I was as angry as people assume, I would not have helped my mother one ounce and she would probably be dead now from starving herself. I at least choose to provide basic needs with excellence above and beyond and anything mom chooses beyond the basics is completely her choice.

I also do not believe that having boundaries is wrong to have and since my aunt died yesterday and I have begun talking with family that I haven't talked to in 20 years (courtesy my mother), I am finding out that personal choices are a huge part of how are lives are completed. Many times as elders it is a physical or neurological disease, but such as the case with my mother, she insisted on things throughout the course of her life and she is reaping what she sowed in her own life. Surely, not by my choice. I would love to enjoy life with her instead of healing from a lifetime of hurts.

You should start a thread on this, it might be really interesting to see what people do have to say about our kids and grandkids. Maybe we will find out what our future holds.
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Thanks to all of you for your responses. They were all wise and thoughtful -- even the ones that (unintentionally) pressed my guilt buttons. I'm beginning to see there are no bad guys in this
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Thanks to all of you for your responses. They were all wise and thoughtful -- even the ones that (unintentionally) pressed my guilt buttons. I'm beginning to see there are no bad guys in this, just hard decisions. Also, I felt a little silly after I made my first post. It hit me that I was probably downplaying the severity of my situation. After all, on top of everything, having a wife who's plagued with a suicidal depression isn't exactly a walk in the park. Oddly enough, the more my wife is called upon to take care of others, the better she functions. That would seem to argue for bringing my mother home with us. (But of course, inevitably after rising to the occasion my wife inevitably crashes.)

I'm not going to solve this tonight. Again, thank you all.
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I don't know about anyone else but I have already had conversations with my kids (who are all over 21) about this. Mostly in a joking way. I just tell them their turn is coming and they better take good care of me. Hopefully, things will be different. I'm hoping for years to come my husband and I will be able to work together to get by. And hopefully after living through this I will not behave as selfishly as my mother does at times. My father died in '75 with complications from alzheimer's. Toward the end we put him in a nursing home because Mom couldn't physically handle him. Mom says she'll kill herself if we ever try to put her in a nursing home. Lovely.
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Interesting! My mother is cared for, but not allowed to dictate my life. My mother is loved, but not catered to. I think there is a difference between honoring our parents and letting them destroy our lives. You need to honor yourself and the family that you have brought into your life. My daughter is a loving person who adores and respects her parents, but we have told her that we will not do to her what my mom has done to us. She needs to know that just because we gave her life does not mean she has to give up her life. We will sell our house next year( hopefully!) and move to a 55 and over community down the shore. We will down- size and take mom with us, but we will not continue to live in this big house that we don't need just to make mom happy. The people who need to worry about what the next generation thinks of them are the people who don't write to this site because they have taken no responsibility for their parents.

My brother is a prime example. He does nothing and never sees her unless he gets a free meal. I hold my mom responsible for my brother's actions and attitude. She raised him to be selfish. She now sees what that has done. He really is a big baby.

Mitzi, you are right boundaries mean that we respect ourselves and the ones we love. We show our children that we are valuable and that we need to be respected. We give them the message to love and care for our parents, but not to sacrifice our future and ruin the happiness of our spouses and children. We are the glue that holds our families together. Sometimes we crack and come "unglued". That is OK as long as we have a support system to back us up and pick us up when we fall. Got to go, mom needs to go to bed and my glass of wine is calling me. Take care.

lovingdaughter.
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Dear edrex, I would worry about the health of your wife and children first and foremost. Take it from a lot of us, who are trying to do the right thing, and take our parents in, only to fall into a depression, since we are dealing with EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEIR PROBLEMS TOO. This can have a major impact on the WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY. I am learning this the hard way. My marriage has suffered, my children feel neglected, but even so they all know that this was the right thing to do. If your wife has depression now, it can get much worse with this added stress. And cat too? My own daughter is severely allergic to cats too and ended up in the emergency room unable to breathe. I don't think it was all in her head. LOL Welcome to the site, and Good Luck to you. My icy cold beer is calling me. See what we caregivers turn into! LOL

Nauseated
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Hi Edrex,

You are not cruel. I took care of my mother and disabled father for the last 22 years. I did, as you are doing now. Go there every day, take care of all the needs, pharmaceutical, groceries, banking, etc. I lost my home in Hurricane Katrina and had to take both my mom and father in to live with me. I love these people dearly and always had a very good relationship with my mom. Worse mistake I ever made in my life. Now, I am in a very severe depression. My mom doesn't understand I need a life outside of sickness. As long, as you can, keep your mom at home. I thought the trips I made daily, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, was the most horrible thing ever. UNTIL THEY MOVED IN. The 4 trips a day was a breeze. Take my advice, it makes the whole family ill. I have a 22 year old daughter and a 12 year old daughter, that feel I catered to my parents and they missed out on a lot of stuff. Your children are still young yet. Keep your Mom at home and tend to her there.

Marylynne
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Wow. Again
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Wow. Again, thank you all. A lot of the advice to not let my Mom move in seems to come from people who let their own parent move in and lived to regret it. I don't mean to make light of it, but it kinda reminds of the first time I got engaged and all my married guy friends tried to warn me to "Turn Back!"

Seriously, the advice to keep my mom in her own home as long as possible seems very good.
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Edrex, another thing I would possibly like to offer as something to think about is to look into costs for the following depending on what your mom needs. Preempting many of these choices up front can also alleviate a lot of the stress.

Consider things like a caregiver going into the home. They also have "companions" that will do housekeeping, talk with the person, help do some of the chores a caregiver may not attend to. Also look into the differences between the needs of assisted living as compared to a nursing home. You also have to remember that our parents back in the day heard horrible things about nursing homes. When assisted living came into play it helped increase the standard for elder care for nursing homes as well. They also have adult day cares (usually for Alzheimer's patients), but figure out the cost.

When the time comes you need to be informed from all sides which is best for you. I know that when I looked into the possibility of a caregiver coming into my parents home for 10 hours a day, we were talking just over $200 per day for not even a half a day. Then for my mother I had to worry about was she going to lock people out of the house, refuse to do anything, no answer phones, get stressed even more so and then call me even more. Were the caregivers going to be calling me because they couldn't get in, etc.... (taking a breath now)... then came the assisted living when I found the right one for my parents. The cost worked out to $197 a day plus medications. BUT... they have hourly checks on my parents, my parents have a nice size apartment, they have 3 square meals a day, they have someone to clean their apartment, someone who does their laundry, and in the end I have a LOT less to worry about because they have 24/7 attention.

If I was caring for just my dad alone before assisted living, he would be in adult day care, no questions asked, but the assisted living is now the God-send. Again, you have to do the best that you can with the ability you have. Its not wrong to go to your mom to provide care, because you are still doing it, but you need to prepare for options and do your homework. It will make for an easier transition IF that is what's needed. This is going to be a stressful time for everyone, question is how will you handle it?
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Mitzi, everything here is right on. In-home caregiving can be a blessing for some. I used it for three elders. It worked for one, though there were still issues. Locking the person out was one! The attitude our seniors have about nursing homes is antiquated. Yes, there are some very bad ones, and even at the best nursing home or assisted living, we must be an advocate. We become the best advocate by letting the staff know you are part of the team, and respecting them for what they do, unless you are given reason to think otherwise. Same with assisted living.

It would be wonderful if everything were live the "old days" when one person was home and it was possible to take the elder into your own home, without help. But seniors didn't live as long with such huge health problems. They died as their time came.

For some, taking them into the home still works. But for many, it simply does not. And when it doesn’t work, the caregivers need to drop the guilt, find good help - whether adult day services, assisted living or a nursing home - and, as you, Mitzi, have seen, understand that the elder is actually getting better care than you, alone, could give. The caregivers are freed up to enjoy visits with the elders, do extras for them, and be their caregiver in a better sense than a frazzled bath giver. Going for drives, out to eat (or eating at the center with them), many things open up because you are not tied to routine.

There's no right answer for everyone. Each situation is unique, and each will evolve. Just keeping an open mind is very important. So is knowing your limits and letting your ego go when you know you can't do it all and need help.

Once again, I have to say I've never seen such a great group of informed caregivers who've "been there." It's an honor for me to be part of it.

Carol
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It's amazing what us human beings can do, when prompted by the Lord. We ask ourselves how much more is he going to give us? Then he gives us a little breather, only to give us more challenges. He knows just where our breaking points are. And many of you are given more and more challenges. I bet you all didn't think you would even make it this far did you? Take a look back, and you say to yourself "WOW" look what all I have accomplished! I wonder how much more I can do? If I can do that much, I can definately do more.
You all are such angels and inspirations to the rest of us. I'm not sure I can compete with that. LOL Carol, you are amazing, and an example to all, thank you so much. Take Care all, prayers, and have a great week end.
Nauseated (Lisa)
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Hello Everyone,

Austin--so glad to see you are home, take care of yourself--I hope you have a while until your husband comes home so that you can relax and heel yourself....Take care and get some rest!!!!

Edrex--this is a very important issue, think it over and put your family, your children first. We do not owe our parents our lives or to put our children in that situation either. Your wife needs your attention. Good Luck with everything we are hear for eachother in these situations.

And one more thing--my husband and I have made arrangements for our future and it does not involve putting anyone out or haveing to take advantage of anyone for our care. We plan to move to a senior living community. They are beautiful and can help in every matter you may have. Carol--I agree with you and want to take care of myself.

Take care
Alice
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Hello Everyone,

Austin--so glad to see you are home, take care of yourself--I hope you have a while until your husband comes home
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Thank you everyone for you concerns-I overdid it today doing arrends and going to myfavorite clothing store--Goodwill when I lost 50 lbs I took them my fat clothes and now am buying less fat but too fat clothes while I was in A and P I got numbness and pain in my leg -after I got home and rested it went away-but it was a scare. The 3 hrs. I was out the husband called 5 times to buy things he saw advertised on T.V. and to give me ORDERS of things he needs it is amazing how he acts like most of your parents only thinking of himself not once asking me how I felt. He only has 30 min. on his phone plan a month-I hope it is used up so he stops calling so often-both times I went to see him in the rehab he argued with me about everything-I was going to see him on Mon- now am rethinking it he knows that if he gives me a hard time I will stay away for a while-sorry I am just venting
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Hey June - you take care of yourself, although I know it's hard when your husband is so demanding. How much longer will he be in rehab? (sorry - I've been pretty tied up with my mom, so I don't remember).

I was thinking about what Edrex asked & everyone has been sharing about their own experiences. The one thing I don't think I saw yet, is he might be able to connect with his local area council on aging about a roommate matching service. Especially in this down economy there are alot of seniors who are retired on fixed income that don't own their own homes - - it is just a thought, and would definitely take some screening & oversight, but maybe the income from the rental and companionship might cover the costs of in home services & reduce the hours of service needed. This is supposing that 95% of the time or more, Edrex's mom only needs to have someone else there to 'be there'. It would not take the place of whatever actual care she needed, but might help balance things out and take some pressure off Edrex too.
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Dear Edrex...I know how important is a pet for a person that owns it...it is like a family member, but when it threats life or health, you most give away the pet.
do not feel guilty, your child is first.
I think you are a good son. Not all of the "boys" I know do what you are actually doing.
I hope your mom is more flexible and can give her cat to a person that can take good care of him, otherwise you most keep her in a nice nursing home.
God Bless you.
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Hello everyone, and welcome edrex, there is a lot of good information on here. Yes, put your family first.

Over the weekend mothers blood pressure dropped drastically it is usally so high so guess something is going on like I suspected but she is so stubborn won't tell the doctor anything so need to call him and inform him. There is that old stigma that goes with nursing homes but for the most part they have come a long way. If it gets to the point where my mom has to go to one she will whether she agrees or not. Over the week end my arthritis' and muscles and deteriorating discs gave me a fit I don't see me a 122 lb woman liting a 175 lb woman anytime in the future. I will visit often and let the staff know I am a part of their team so there will not be anything going on tha shouldn't because mother does like to make up stories that is why she is living with me, she made up a great big story. LOL have a good day neon
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wow, i read these, and i think i don't have ti so bad. i feel for all of you!! i am my dad's sole caregiver. i have lived with him the past 2 1/2 years(he has terminal lung cancer). i basically have no life, though i try to stay involved with my 9 yr old's activities. it makes it hard though, because dad can't really do for himself. like meals, etc. i have 2 brothers who live in the same town. one hasn't even stopped by for the past 2 months. the other basically only stops when he has to, like to take dad to appts. they both keep up with their lives. personal lives, etc. they go here and there..etc. i am in charge of all the grocery shopping, cleaning, yard and garden work, playing gopher to him...get me this, hand me that...etc, etc, etc. he gets up out of his recliner only to eat and go to the bathroom. he sleeps, etc other wise in the recliner. and who am i to judege that he canor cannot do for himself. sometimes i think he could do more. but i do know he is already on oxygen and some days he is really bad. heck,even changing sometimes i think he only changes clothes to go to the drs. outer clothes is just that. he changes when he has to to go to the dr's whether that is once a week, or every 3 weeks. he does change under clothes....once a week! yuck! sometimes if he wets himself he does change then...but i said sometimes. it is just all so frustrating. if something doesn't get done that he wants done, then in his eyes you do nothing. he is very picky about what he eats, so he is catered to his liking completely with meals. and then i fix for me and my daughter. i use to babysit full time, but now have been unable to do so due to living in his house. which means my income is down to my whopping $470 a month child support. which sucks. my bills, and late charges are piling up drastically. i will never get out from under. he is on the last chemo treatment, and they are just waiting for this to quit working. after that it is downhill fast. which means more on me i am sure. i am thinking once it gets to a certain point, hospice is just going to have to come in and do alot. my dad can't afford nursing home, and doesn't qualify for medicaid programs that offer in home care. he has too many assets, but to him he has NOTHING. he won't spend a penny on anything, but his monthly have to bills. i buy all me and my daughter's groceries. even down to our own toilet paper cause i refuse to give him any reason to blame us on his grocery bill which he has tried to do many many times. he even tries to blame us if his water or electric bill goes up. but i am still expected to be there 24/7 most of the time.

oh well, i am just venting. sorry. like i siad, there are Sooooooooo many of you in so much worse situations!! my heart goes out to you! good luck to all! hugs and take care.

cindy
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wow, i read these, and i think i don't have ti so bad. i feel for all of you!! i am my dad's sole caregiver. i have lived with him the past 2 1/2 years(he has terminal lung cancer). i basically have no life, though i try to stay involved with my 9 yr old's activities. it makes it hard though, because dad can't really do for himself. like meals, etc. i have 2 brothers who live in the same town. one hasn't even stopped by for the past 2 months. the other basically only stops when he has to, like to take dad to appts. only because i don't drive....for right now. ..long story, but working to change it. i am in charge of all the grocery shopping, cleaning, yard and garden work, playing gopher to him...get me this, hand me that...etc, etc, etc. he gets up out of his recliner only to eat and go to the bathroom. he sleeps, etc other wise in the recliner. heck, sometimes i think he only changes clothes to go to the drs. outer clothes is just that. he changes when he has to to go to the dr's whether that is once a week, or every 3 weeks. he does change under clothes....once a week! yuck! sometimes if he wets himself he does change then...but i said sometimes. it is just all so frustrating. if something doesn't get done that he wants done, then in his eyes you do nothing. he is very picky about what he eats, so he is catered to s liking completely with meals. and then i fix for me and my daughter. i use to babysit full time, but now have been unable to do so due to living in his house. which means my income is down to my whopping $470 a month child support. which sucks. my bills, and late charges are piling up drastically. i will never get out from under. he is on the last chemo treatment, and they are just waiting for this to quit working. after that it is downhill fast. which means more on me i am sure. i am thinking once it gets to a certain point, hospice is just going to have to come in and do alot. my dad can't afford nursing home, and doesn't qualify for medicaid programs that offer in home care. he has too many assets, but to him he has NOTHING. he won't spend a penny on anything, but his monthly have to bills. i buy all me and my daughter's groceries. even down to our own toilet paper cause i refuse to give him any reason to blame us on his grocery bill which he has tried to do many many times. he even tries to blame us if his water or electric bill goes up. but i am still expected to be there 24/7 most of the time.

oh well, i am just venting. sorry. like i siad, there are Sooooooooo many of you in so much worse situations!! my heart goes out to you! good luck to all! hugs and take care.

cindy
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Hi Cindy,
You've got a lot on your hands. The idea of hospice coming in to help is something you need to look at. They are wonderful.

Meanwhile, it's your dad's assets that are the problem with Medicaid. He needs paid caregivers. Obviously, he won't spend the money and expects you to do it all. You are not alone in this. Please keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing.

Carol
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Dear Cindy, don't cut yourself short. You're doing a lot more than most people would do. And your father should be more appreciative towards you. But he is sick, and that does affect the brain. However you should be getting a paycheck for doing what you do. A paycheck from him, that is. Prayers to you, and hang in there, it won't last forever. Nauseated
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