Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

769 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
10 11 12 13 14
oh my gosh! This forum is amazingly helpful. Thank you for being honest. My herion addicted mother died in October leaving my Grandmother all alone is a discusting hordered pig stye. My Grandmother bought my mom's drugs my whole life and they both sent me away on my fourtenth birthday. I moved my grandmother with me to Vegas and she is making my wonderful life miserable. It doesn't matter she as a nice apartment with brand new everything and I take her out twice a week. She acts life I'm am ruining her life. She is ruining mine. Augh. Let's move her into a bigger place and let my grandmother and her mom be roomies and leave us the hell alone.
Okay - I vented I feel better lol. People look down on you if you say anything negative on a parent or grandparent.
(0)
Report
I meant "thread."
(0)
Report
I've learned not to let Mom move in with me, especially after reading all your posts. In fact, we barely tolerate a visit. So sad. But what happens when parents need more help than living on their own can provide, and they aren't willing or able to go to ALF and don't yet qualify for a nursing home? Even visiting health services cost more than some can afford, and Day Care services are a challenge, as well. Seems we're all struggling with something, and there's no perfect solutions. If our parents were blogging about us, what would they say? Do we sacrifice our desires and plans or do they sacrifice theirs? I'd like to start a new tread called: "When Needs and Wants Collide."
(0)
Report
Austin,
Glad to hear positive news from you too. I know from my mom that the grand kids are such a source of joy! Get the help you need and don't feel guilty. That is one the the main points that I have learned from all of you on the site. Good luck!

nauseated, thanks for the good thoughts. Hope this is a good week for us all.
lovingdaughter
(0)
Report
I am so glad that things are working out better for you it is important to have some time away from caregiving lovingdaughter, we are trying to make things easier for me also and the husband finally is starting to get it that if he wants to come home we have to have help and I have gone to see him for short visits and our son and grand-daughter have been visiting also.
(0)
Report
lovingdaughter, so good to hear a positive. And so good you can get out for some much needed family time. Your mother is so very lucky to have you.
(0)
Report
I have decided that I can't watch my mom 24 hours a day, nor can I pay for someone to do it. So, this weekend, we left her alone for 3 hours at a time so that we could go and do the things that we wanted to do. It worked out really well. She likes having time to herself, and we were happy to give her that time. She has an alert system around her neck, so it makes it easier. We have been having some needed discussions, and they have been very helpful. Mom has been positive about some long brewing issues and I feel better. We bought a sleeper sofa for her suite of rooms on our house. So whenever we want to go away, someone will come and stay with her. The warmer weather gives her the opportunity to go outside, and that has been very positive. Thanks again to everyone.
lovingdaughter
(0)
Report
To Mitzi, Anne, Austin, Nauseated,Crislynp, and other supportive caregivers,

Thanks you to all my sisters in the same boat. Thank you for all your support. You have been so wonderful. notavictim, you need to take a step back. You have to look at your own situation and not judge us!
lovingdaughter
(0)
Report
Notavictim-until you have walked a mile in our shoes do not judge us and yes I have been to counseling by myself and couples and with the husband with his counseling and it is not the end all all of us that have been on thios site for a long time-for me it has been over a year and I could not have survived with out the comfort and support of these precious folks not just daughters but men also wheather sons or husbands or in laws or friends and our mission has been to listen and to share not to act like we have all the answers and to judge us this is not Judge Judy's form and I have met her and she is a nice women she acts like she does on TV when dealing with dumb selfish people of which the dear men and women here are not I am sure there are sites that will appreciate your opions but we do not need anyone to put us down or fix us we are doing fine without your comets do not tell us to get real you have no idea what our reality is and we do-we are not victims just Gods children trying to do our best with the jobs that we were dealt with and did not ask for besides our parents we have other family members that we are responsible for and also need us daily and we do the best we can and are harder on ourselves then anyone else I know I need these dear people greatly and we have been doing fine with out snide hurtful comets from you if you are not part of the solution take your attitude some where else
(0)
Report
Thank you everyone for your advice. It really helps to see the clearer picture. For me that means that yes its okay to set boundries for her. For me if I know that I am doing the very best that I can do and then if its still not enough then at least I have done my very best. And finally for me the hardest part hasnt been her care its everything else. The insurance, the property, the divorce she insisted on. Its learnig about all of the legal and medical issues that has made me feel like someone slammed me into a brick wall. I personally feel that she would be so much happier in assisted living, she could make friends and do things but she doesnt feel that way. Anyway thanks for the advice and for the one that said that I needed counseling, I dont what I need ......is hope.
(0)
Report
Dear notavictim, I see what it is you are trying to do here. You are bored, and trying to just stir up a hornets nest here. This site is about caregiver support. Again, if you don't have any support to offer, then maybe you should go to another site where you will be more helpful. God Bless You!
(0)
Report
Let's just put this on the other foot as well. What if the parents need some good counseling and need to get over things as well and live life in pleasantries?

The higher road is that we do care for our parents. As a matter of fact with love, but some people that have a dysfunctional history do the caregiving out of a tough love while remembering the past. Sometimes we have bad days, sometimes we have good days, but we don't go to a low road.... we've decided to care for them because we understand it is about much more than that. Despite hurtful pasts, we still continue to provide. Sharing experiences with someone who can relate is a huge relief and helping to continue the caregiving.

The selfishness depends on what view you are taking. I myself have found nothing wrong with setting boundaries for my own life while providing for my parents. If boundaries make me selfish well then by God... so be it. But I refuse to let someone trample my right to choose a boundary.

Thank you for the prayers. All the caregivers need that grace and mercy. It is not a career path that I would choose, but love on those tremendously that do it daily. Including you notavictim.

I love my mother enough to make sure she has the best of everything. Some people don't get over that and it is wrong to blatantly tell someone to get over it and take the higher road. If they could the healing would have occurred a long time ago.

Opinions are great, but harsh comments can cut to the core. Freedom of choice to ignore or respond is the beauty of life. You can find some great information, stories and life experiences through this site that have helped many of us. Please do not negate that fact by saying we are not in reality.
(0)
Report
crislynp,
(continued from cut off message.)
with a business ID. Also put passwords on all your accounts. This way no family members can interfere. She will fight, but don't back down. Take her checkbook. Did you know that there is now a 5 year wait for medicaid to not be able to take money you have hidden? That is why you need to get money out of her Social Security #. After 5 years , they can't touch it. This is a big help to you for what you need to give her that medicaid won't supply. Good luck
lovingdaughter
(0)
Report
crislynp,
My message was cut off again. Look for an attorney who specializes in elder law. Most lawyers don"t know the ins and outs of elder law and can really make more trouble for you in the end. We put mom"s money in a trust
(0)
Report
I totally agree with everything. Especially , why do we have no options but nursing homes? I had put myt mom in a nursing home and she was there 20 mintutes and fell and broke her nose. so i brought her to our home and she has been here one year mothers day. ajnd it has been a long year. she is depressed, she can't talk clearly anymore since her stroke and she has been diganosed with dementia. she had 10 days to live when she went ointo the hospital and it is now a year later.
I have given her myt all and i still get crap from her about how i don
(0)
Report
Dear Austin, I just read your post. I am so glad you are getting the help you need. I pray you get all you need. I don't think God was confused at all, or have you mixed up with anyone. We don't always understand why prayers aren't answered immediately, but God does things in his way according to his timing. His answers might come in unexpected ways, and sometimes the answer is "no," or "not now," or "Surprise!"
(0)
Report
Crislynp,
I have been so busy the last week that I have not been able to get on the computer. I just read all the recent entries, and I agree with the advice you have been given. Get an attorney
(0)
Report
I have full power of attn. but frankly she still manages her money and she would disown me if I even tried to help. I tried talking to her about it and her defenses went up and she said "I am just fine". I do understand. I cant imagine being like that, thinking you are normal, still physically able to care for yourself and but yet you mind is not right. Its a constant enter and exit in and out of reality but never fully exiting like her mind is stuck inbetween two worlds. Always teetering.
(0)
Report
Dear cris, even if you do not get a diagnosis, you can still get a letter of competency, stating that they require assistance managing finances, etc.
(0)
Report
I was just think something a doc has to give the insurance people a diagnosis to get paid so why is he not telling you-I would tell him my lawyer is going to write him a letter demanding a clear diagnosis that might get hir rear in gear-even if I was not planing to go to my lawyer I would say I was anyway
(0)
Report
Dear Austin, don't cut yourself short, you are a strong woman. Look at what you have had to deal with for so very long. To be able to stand up for yourself and say NO, is one of the hardest things to do. We have trouble saying NO to others, because we as children have been told by our parents to never say NO, it's a bad word, "don't you every tell me NO again" they would say to us. Now look at us, not being able to say NO still. But you have stood up and did it. We are proud of you! It takes a tremendous amount of courage to do what you have done.
(0)
Report
Thank you- I documented everything and faxed it ahead of time to the Drs and still nothing.This new Dr in a couple of weeks has got to give me some clarity. I am going to demand a diagnosis if he doesnt give me one. Once a Dr tells her something I will have leverage right now I am just the evil daughter who thinks she is not able to live on her own.

Its very lonely out here. I am glad I found this site.
(0)
Report
Since I stood up and said I can not be his main caregiver anymore others have supported me where were they the last few years- I was waiting to get rescued and could not understand why no one else felt the same -it was too easy for them to look the other way -now they are telling him and me I can no longer do it all-I prayed and prayed for so long and cried out to God- he must think I am a strong women and did not need his help- I am not- he might have me mixed up with my sister- I am 7 yrs. older but her old classmates call me by her name, that must be it LOL
(0)
Report
Dear crislynp, I agree with what Carol said earlier about getting social services involved. She is definately a danger to herself and others. You must get a diagnosis, or a letter of incompetancy, and go from there. Document your concerns, and provide it to a physician you trust and go from there. I had to do everything on my own. I tried to get help from social services, but for some reason, they did not help, and I ended up having to do it all on my own. Hoping things work out better for you, and you get the help you need. Let us know, and take care of yourself.

Dear Austin, great advice! If we don't take care of ourselves, we cannot expect to be able to take care of others. I too cannot take the strain of caring for my father due to my own health concerns. I feel if I continue too much longer, just the stress alone may do me in physically, and mentally. So think hard about it, and don't feel guilty that you can't do it all. None of us can, because we are only human.
(0)
Report
Crislyynp- probably why she does not want to spend her money is the same as most older people-they want to be able to pass it along to their children-but there comes a time when they need to use it for their own care-have her use it and if she is on medicare -it will pay her Drs. visits and if she needs to go into a nursing home she will have to pay until she is on Medicade at which time she will not have to pay for her care- they can not touch her childrens money like they can a spouse. But look what it is doing to you you will end up sick or worse-our elder lawyer told my son 60 per cent of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for and if something happens to you like it did me you will not be able to be her main caregiver and she will have to pay for care at home or be placed and your health will be ruined and your family will suffer greatly- it is not worth-sometimes it works- many of the ladies I sew cancer pads with live in extended families and it works but often it does not and I know how hard a decision it is -my husband is fighting with us my son and I about have daily care which I have to pay for or go in a nursing home which will take most of our income and savings but if something is not done I will probably die first and he will have to be placed neither of our kids- adults now could have him at their homes they and their spouses work morer than 40 hrs a week. It has come to that for you and I know you want to do the right thing for your Mom - think if your best friend had this to deal with what would tell her- in these days an older person has to forget what use to be and use their money for there cares. I am saying this as a friend-it only took one more fall for me to fracture my back and now have pain and restrictions for the rest of my life because I spread myself too thin.
(0)
Report
She certainly sounds mentally ill. It's hard to imagine doctors brushing you off like that! I'm glad you are able to talk about it here, and I certainly hope you can find a doctor who can deal with her symptoms. She may be dangerous to you.
Carol
(0)
Report
Thank you for the advice. I just am so tired of being judged. (by her siblings) The Drs she was seeing didnt diagnose her I looked at her medical records so when i moved her here to another state I lined up Drs and went in the room each and everytime. She seemed perfectly sane. So this last time I coaxed her into telling the Drs what she was seeing and he looked at me in shock I said DOC 7 years of this can you tell me something, he referred us to yet another DR he said he wasnt qualified to make the diagnosis she had to see another nuerologist. He wouldnt even tell her she couldnt drive!!! Because of these drs shes wreaked havoc and divorced her husband. I feel like if I can just get a diagnosis she might be willing to listen to me. In her mind shes fine. She accused her husband of trying to kill her and even said he shampood up the blood. When in reality she had sepsis and was rushed to the er. ouyvi. Before moving her in here I had to disarm her. She carried a gun because she thought he was going to kill her now she says he is breaking in here and locks herself up in her room at night. She has all of her belongings locked in trunks so he cant steal them.

It feels really good to tell someone all of this. As an only child I have never felt onlyier :-)
(0)
Report
Crislynp, Are the doctors working with you to get her help or what is the deal that the doctors cannot diagnose her? I agree with MindingOurElders... the doctors can't see it? Have you been at the doctor's appointments with them to discuss your concerns and her behavior?

I will say this from what I've learned about my mother... there is no way in hell my mother would talk to my family like that no matter how much I love her (you'd have to read all my posts to understand that statement). I think I would get a free consultation with an elder law attorney on how to handle this situation.

As for care, sometimes you can only go so far. My mother, due to her own psychotic behavior (undiagnosed at the time), got herself into her own mess and into the geriatric psych unit. My mother forced my hand to put her into assisted living. My mother also did nothing to help my father with Alzheimer's because she was so selfish and in denial about dad's condition, that he's gone so down hill there's no turning back or even maintaining.

Each decision I made, no matter how difficult, I made off of my mom's decisions. I still gave her my best at every level even if it was her own doing. I've cried, I've done it stone-cold, but through my own counseling, I've come to realize I cannot get blood from a stone.

You have to resolve what works in your heart. I can't say that you shouldn't care for your mother, but I found in my own life, I could not do it. I took care of dad for three weeks. I could not do it. I do not feel the guilt. Dad is much happier now and socializing, eating and being cared for 24/7. Mom is still mom, but I also know that she is also provided for and she cannot hide from the help that she so desperately needs.

Tough choices hon and tough love. You have to decide what you can live with. My mom still is hostile towards me over moving her into assisted living (and I'm an only child), but when she has her good days I give her the tolerable time. When she's miserable, I leave.

I wish I could give you a solid answer but all of us here have made extremely difficult choices. Seek God is my recommendation.

Keep in touch... we're all here for you.
(0)
Report
You can't continue to sacrifice your whole family, your marriage and all that you value. Your mother is delusional and paranoid and the doctor can't see it? I hope you can find a doctor who can. You are right about her money - it's there for her care. When she gets to a certain point, she will go on Medicare. Keep good records. Get the help of social services or a third party to stand by you and find a good assisted living or nursing home for her. You are paying too high a price. You've tried your best and then some. Now, it's time to make some changes while you still are healthy enough to enjoy your grandchildren.

Carol
(0)
Report
Thanks and yes I feel trapped. y family is my husband and grown children. They were all part of it but I have been told "they have their own families" my husband feels trapped as well. She is compitent but has halucinations and has divorced her husband. She is paranoid and very delusional sp then before you can turn around she seems fine. She has one more drs appointment to try to get a diagnosis. The MDs for the last 7 years have failed to say anything about it. SO I have pushed and pushed but she is pushing against me. She wants to live in her home but I cant just drop her off there so I am trapped. She will no live any where else. his has changed my life- my children use to come over with my grandchildren now they dont. My husband and I use to have a life now we dont. We built her an effeciency apartment right off of our house and she refuses to stay in there. If I say anything her feelings get hurt and she says take me home. And to top it off she says hurtful things to my youngest (19) she tells her shes fat and no men like fat girls. UGH welcome to what I grew up with, but in front of my husband she acts perfectly normal fixing him cups of coffee and treats. Which she does to spite me because of my profession. So until the Drs can say something its a constant fight to even get her to let me dose her medcaitions. I dont care if medi. takes everything she has as long as she is being cared for. What I do care about is how do you force your parent to go to a nursing home and still find it easy to sleep at night. I dont think I can do it and if I dont I sacrifice everything. I do not want this for my kids, I will check myself into a home.
(0)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter